Still chronically single

[hotpotato]

Hi, all. I havent posted in awhile, and I have some mew insights. 

 

I haven't had anything serious in about nearly 9 years, and I dont see a change. I pretty much gave up on dating, but it allowed me to truly be me.

 

I was in an off and on again situationship with someone for awhile. He said that when he thinks of me, he sees a sword. 

 

In my current situationship somehow got the impression that I'm a strong independent woman, and im not sure how. I think we are both standoffs, so this arrangement is working for us. I did break one of my rules, which is to never date someone from a place I frequent. He is the bartender at an entertainment venue I frequent. 

 

We hit it off. In fact, we went to high school together, but we didn't recognize each other. He was with ex wife for about 15 years and then with the next gf for about 5 years. I've been single most of my adult life. I've maybe dated seriously a total of 4 or 5 years. I am a little embarrassed. A lot of people in my town are late 30s but are having 15 year anniversaries. 

I don't know if I'm even capable of being in a real relationship anymore. I dont like the changes of getting together and then it ending. I've been dumped everytime I date someone. I'm used to short relationships and then I go back to doing me. 

 

 

Bartender said I was "a lot," which I guess is one of my issues with people in general. I think he will run, and I dont expect any real commitment from him. He is one of the very few men who didn't try to have sex with me immediately, which I appreciate. 

 

I dont plan to ever be serious about anyone ever again. I don't bother with dating apps anymore, which was primarily how I was meeting men. However, it does seem like I chance upon someone once every 3-4 years. 

[semble]

He sees a sword. There's a couple of ways to interpret that given the complete lack of context and none of it is good.

[Gebidozo]

41 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I think he will run, and I dont expect any real commitment from him.

Perhaps it would be better if you broke up with him and worked on your confidence and self esteem before you begin dating again. 

From my experience, people who think their partner will run and don’t expect any real commitment from them are the ones who often have problems with commitment and run.

Low confidence is an absolute murderer of relationships.

[Weezy1973]

Emotionally unavailable people seek emotionally unavailable people. 

[hotpotato]

11 hours ago, semble said:

He sees a sword. There's a couple of ways to interpret that given the complete lack of context and none of it is good.

I interpreted as that I seemed strong and tough,not soft. That's how I thought of myself, but he verbalized it. I feel like i was forged. 

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Perhaps it would be better if you broke up with him and worked on your confidence and self esteem before you begin dating again. 

From my experience, people who think their partner will run and don’t expect any real commitment from them are the ones who often have problems with commitment and run.

Low confidence is an absolute murderer of relationships.

Well, we are not really serious like that so there's no need to actually break up. 

I've never run from a relationship or ran away from commitment once I had it. In fact, I've never broken up with a boyfriend. They've always left me. 

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

I interpreted as that I seemed strong and tough,not soft. That's how I thought of myself, but he verbalized it. I feel like i was forged. 

Maybe that’s what he meant. I wouldn’t have chosen the word “sword” to describe a strong person. Swords are normally associated with sharp edges, inflicting pain and damage, danger, militant character, aggression, and so on.

 

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

I've never run from a relationship or ran away from commitment once I had it. In fact, I've never broken up with a boyfriend. They've always left me. 

You said yourself you weren’t planning to be serious about anyone ever again. First of all, that sentiment is not indicative of strength or independence; on the contrary, it’s usually a sign of disappointment, fear, and weakness. Second, is this bartender guy aware of your stance? You should tell him this will never grow to be anything serious, so that he knows where he stands.

[NuevoYorko]

OP - your whole post has a tone of complete passivity.   It's like you see yourself as a passenger in your life, at least where romantic connections are concerned, and have no agency whatsoever regarding what goes on.  

Do you feel like this? 

[mark clemson]

On 9/3/2024 at 8:44 AM, hotpotato said:

I dont plan to ever be serious about anyone ever again.

 

If that's the case, you have few worries about how this thing plays out. He will stay as long as he stays, then one or the other of you will break it off.

There's more than one solution to the question of how to live one's romantic life. If this is you, AND you're not seeking to change it, well - it's how you are and you seem to be running with it.

[hotpotato]

On 9/4/2024 at 12:00 AM, Gebidozo said:

Maybe that’s what he meant. I wouldn’t have chosen the word “sword” to describe a strong person. Swords are normally associated with sharp edges, inflicting pain and damage, danger, militant character, aggression, and so on.

 

You said yourself you weren’t planning to be serious about anyone ever again. First of all, that sentiment is not indicative of strength or independence; on the contrary, it’s usually a sign of disappointment, fear, and weakness. Second, is this bartender guy aware of your stance? You should tell him this will never grow to be anything serious, so that he knows where he stands.

Well, I wouldn't consider myself dangerous. I can be intense sometimes. The current guy somehow got the idea I was a strong independent woman, maybe because I've been single for so long. 

Unfortunately, I kind of caught feelings a little, but it'll pass. I still don't want to date seriously. I don't think he wants to be serious or he would've said so right now. I think he's not over his ex. 

I've never had a relationship that ended. Ice always been dumped. How am I supposed to feel? 

Are such conversations customary? I'm not sure if I've ever had one especially not upfront. I don't think I've ever had a guy who wasn't interested in being serious with me be upfront. 

 

[hotpotato]

On 9/4/2024 at 12:30 AM, NuevoYorko said:

OP - your whole post has a tone of complete passivity.   It's like you see yourself as a passenger in your life, at least where romantic connections are concerned, and have no agency whatsoever regarding what goes on.  

Do you feel like this? 

Dating and relationships aren't like anything else in life. I can't pursue a person like I'd pursue a goal. Like if someone doesn't want you, then they just don't want you. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

Dating and relationships aren't like anything else in life. I can't pursue a person like I'd pursue a goal. Like if someone doesn't want you, then they just don't want you. 

You're quite right.  But you can choose to put yourself in situations where you're more likely to meet someone.  And work on any personal issues which the average man doesn't want to have in a partner. 

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

The current guy somehow got the idea I was a strong independent woman

Perhaps because you are strong and independent!  It sure beats being told that you are a useless crybaby

This comment tells me that you are employed, can support yourself, can sort out your own problems and have an active life.   Of course, being strong and independent doesn't exclude you from being kind and thoughtful.   Or from finding a partner - you just need a strong, independent man.  The kind of man who won't feel emasculated by a women who's functional.  

 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Dating and relationships aren't like anything else in life. I can't pursue a person like I'd pursue a goal. Like if someone doesn't want you, then they just don't want you. 

That's true.  This doesn't make you a passive passenger in life.  If you are attracting men who want to have some type of "situationship" with you but not a solid relationship, you certainly could be attracting some who would want a solid relationship with you.  But it seems as if you choose to spend your time on these men in obviously dead-end situations.  

A key would be to stop wasting yourself on those guys and look for something real.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Are such conversations customary?

In my life, yes, they are. I usually make clear whether a connection is just temporary or a basis for a long-term relationship. And I want to know how the woman feels about that as soon as possible. 

[Leihla_B]

If you tell yourself that you don't want a committed relationship, you can set your bar very low, and that's all you'll shoot for and settle for. So then you're in 'casual' situations where nobody is going to step up and offer you more than what you believe you deserve, and of course they'll walk at some point.

If you base your view of your future prospects on these situations, you're not likely to build any confidence that you can do better if you ever decide that you want love. You'll just keep repeating the same cycle. But if you ever decide that you want a real relationship, you'll raise your conditions for engaging. You'll view yourself as relationship material, you'll state that up front, and you'll be willing to take a pass on anyone who wants 'casual'.

Head high. You deserve to find love if you ever want it. It'll require you to love yourself enough to avoid messing around with anyone who won't give it.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Are such conversations customary? I'm not sure if I've ever had one especially not upfront. I don't think I've ever had a guy who wasn't interested in being serious with me be upfront. 

Adding on to @Gebidozo's comments on this. 

Given the the dating world now is full of casual sex and FWB, if I was back out there I'd be taking things a lot more slowly than I did in the olden days.   I'd want a few dates and and idea of what they were looking for before I jumped into bed with them...part of this would be conversation and the other part would be observation.   How keen is he to see me?  Does he send little texts a couple of times during the day/evening or does he go days between making contact?   Is he into multi dating?   If a guy isn't giving you prime date nights quickly then he's not into you and it's time to move on.

[hotpotato]

 

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Adding on to @Gebidozo's comments on this. 

Given the the dating world now is full of casual sex and FWB, if I was back out there I'd be taking things a lot more slowly than I did in the olden days.   I'd want a few dates and and idea of what they were looking for before I jumped into bed with them...part of this would be conversation and the other part would be observation.   How keen is he to see me?  Does he send little texts a couple of times during the day/evening or does he go days between making contact?   Is he into multi dating?   If a guy isn't giving you prime date nights quickly then he's not into you and it's time to move on.

We actually didn't have sex for a month or two. He didn't try to have sex with me right off the bat like men usually do. However, he is having a weird issue with his ex. I think she is a stalker, and I think he still has a thing for her. I caught him hanging out with her on one of the days he was 'busy.' She posted a picture of him on her Fb with day, location, and time stamp. She popped up on ny page thanks to the algorithm. He's in the doghouse right now, kind of. 

He sends mixed signals, and im concerned he does this to the ex as well. He swears he cut ties with her, but I did catch him in a lie thanks to the exes post. He lied, but im also concerned that she is possessive and vindictive. He's messed up in my eyes, but she brought it to light. I do suspect he told her he went on a date with someone(me), and she let the world know he was with her. 

In thus picture he wasn't posed or smiling and actually looked kind of miserable lol. I don't think he knew she even took the picture. 

Since he's a bartender and general manager, he works prine date times like Fridays and Saturdays. Usually I go visit him, often making special trips to see him. 

He texts sporadically. 

I dont think he's super into me, and that's why I'm not very concerned with letting him know we probably won't ever be serious. 

[hotpotato]

On 9/6/2024 at 10:22 PM, basil67 said:

You're quite right.  But you can choose to put yourself in situations where you're more likely to meet someone.  And work on any personal issues which the average man doesn't want to have in a partner. 

Perhaps because you are strong and independent!  It sure beats being told that you are a useless crybaby

This comment tells me that you are employed, can support yourself, can sort out your own problems and have an active life.   Of course, being strong and independent doesn't exclude you from being kind and thoughtful.   Or from finding a partner - you just need a strong, independent man.  The kind of man who won't feel emasculated by a women who's functional.  

 

I haven't quite figured out what was wrong, and I dont get a lot of feedback. The most I get was cook and clean more, but I've also tried that. Sometimes I'm forgetful, and im a bit weird. I'm reserved as opposed to social butterfly. 

Honestly, I don't feel like guys are anywhere near as forgiving to me as I am to them. That's one reason I don't feel impetus to date. 

At the same time I see men tolerate a lot of things from other women, like physical abuse. 

 

My life isn't perfect, but I have some things going for me. I have good credit, paid off my own vehicle and student loans. I have my own hobbies. I'm pretty popular locally for my performing arts. I've been trying to live my best life!

[basil67]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I haven't quite figured out what was wrong, and I dont get a lot of feedback. The most I get was cook and clean more, but I've also tried that. Sometimes I'm forgetful, and im a bit weird. I'm reserved as opposed to social butterfly. 

Honestly, I don't feel like guys are anywhere near as forgiving to me as I am to them. That's one reason I don't feel impetus to date. 

At the same time I see men tolerate a lot of things from other women, like physical abuse. 

 

My life isn't perfect, but I have some things going for me. I have good credit, paid off my own vehicle and student loans. I have my own hobbies. I'm pretty popular locally for my performing arts. I've been trying to live my best life!

For what it's worth, I'm forgetful, weird and an introvert....but it won't stop the right guy.   If you're eating healthy, I don't see why cooking is huge issue.  But cleaning is something most would expect.  But I do read plenty of stories where people who don't clean their places are considered undatable - and that's because the clean person knows they'll be doing all the work on their own.

Are you perhaps too forgiving on guys?  Perhaps you're wasting time on the guys who other women wouldn't touch with a 40ft pole.   What kind of things do you forgive...and could this be part of the problem?   For example, a guy who never gets around do doing stuff or not find work will never get around to committing to a relationship.

As for the men who tolerate bad behaviour in women, that's about being stuck in a circle of abuse - it's not about lowering one's standards.

Glad to hear you living your best life when you can.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I haven't quite figured out what was wrong, and I dont get a lot of feedback. The most I get was cook and clean more, but I've also tried that. Sometimes I'm forgetful, and im a bit weird. I'm reserved as opposed to social butterfly. 

Honestly, I don't feel like guys are anywhere near as forgiving to me as I am to them. That's one reason I don't feel impetus to date. 

At the same time I see men tolerate a lot of things from other women, like physical abuse. 

 

My fiancée is the very opposite of a social butterfly, forgets things routinely, is very weird in some ways, and doesn’t clean anything in the house. She is a great cook, but that’s beside the point. All her life she’s been getting attention from men, and I mean serious attention. Multiple men have professed love to her and wanted to marry her. Why? 

Well, besides the fact that she is the kindest person and the hottest woman I’ve ever known, she’s always been very confident about herself. She’d date attractive, interesting guys who’d be genuinely into her, or no guys at all. She weeded out incompatible men at the earliest possible stages of acquaintance and dating, without looking back. That way, she made sure she always got together with her preferred kind of men. The older she got, the more selective she became. Obviously, she worked on her own flaws as well, but she didn’t do it to accommodate men’s preferences. 

The moment you begin to adapt yourself to the shallow whims of some random, run-of-the-mill, average, mass representatives of the opposite gender, you’re mixing them in the same “pool” with the more mature people who have integrity and confidence, who know what they want and won’t just engage in a meaningless connection because they are lonely. And then you can’t tell who is who anymore.

When you keep asking yourself “what’s wrong with me, why don’t men love me enough and break up with me”, you’re projecting insecurity, and that is precisely what stops attracting those potential men who would love you enough and wouldn’t want to break up with you, because they, too, would be looking for women they genuinely want rather than for some temporary cure from loneliness and heartbreak.

 

Edited September 9 by Gebidozo

[Alpacalia]

It's perfectly fine if you just enjoy his company here and there and not thinking about it beyond that. 

If you have fears of getting dumped and can't handle another short term dating disappointment, then you need to be mindful of where you place your emotional investment. 

Friends with benefits isn't such a bad thing for someone who doesn't want a heart sparking connection. Keeps the hubba hubba, but without the responsibilities. But then I don't think you'd be in quite the dilemma you are bringing here with doubts, insecurities, suspicions, and misgivings. Any inclination or such perception ... would have just passed thru as any smooth customer. 

It's different if one wants a 'simple' uncomplicated experience versus one that wants a fence or self-protection which the person don't admit, much less know exists. It could also well be you don't want yourself to know what you really want as it opens up expectations which exist in a world outside of you i.e. BF/GF - husband/wife - not s/o or some regular yum yum supplier.

I do agree with another member's post that you are passive in that you don't expect to date seriously and you've accepted 'the dump mentality'. You have lowered your standards bar inwardly maybe but it's this kind of invitation that leads to getting entangled -directionless and 'muddied' underneath your own flooring.

If bartender man is content in his role as situationship FWB or non committal thing ...and; that's where you are comfortable too then it's all good.... however if you are feeling it's not enough for you or it brings you down because you start doubting you have it in you and fears of being dumped or dumped on, the best thing to do is to pull the plug without much ado.

Maybe if he felt you were more open towards him he might feel more romantically inclined towards you, hard to know for sure, but saying you're a "sword" has the implication that what he senses from you is your guard.

But I also think if it were the right relationship for you...you'd not only feel warmer fuzzy comfortable feelings inside but you'd also experience this kind of mutual gravity for one another. 

The guarded complexes are well in operation and enough for what you seek for now. Just be fully aware of where your comfort zone is...and that; is mostly the same for the guys you choose. It's just what each is able to provide for now.

[hotpotato]

On 9/7/2024 at 1:53 AM, Leihla_B said:

If you tell yourself that you don't want a committed relationship, you can set your bar very low, and that's all you'll shoot for and settle for. So then you're in 'casual' situations where nobody is going to step up and offer you more than what you believe you deserve, and of course they'll walk at some point.

If you base your view of your future prospects on these situations, you're not likely to build any confidence that you can do better if you ever decide that you want love. You'll just keep repeating the same cycle. But if you ever decide that you want a real relationship, you'll raise your conditions for engaging. You'll view yourself as relationship material, you'll state that up front, and you'll be willing to take a pass on anyone who wants 'casual'.

Head high. You deserve to find love if you ever want it. It'll require you to love yourself enough to avoid messing around with anyone who won't give it.

I understand what you and everyone else is saying, that I shouldn't go into in thinking I will be left, but that's the only thing I've ever known. I've never been married. Every guy dumps me no matter what I put up from him. I've honestly never felt a lot of love or like I was wanted romantically by and large. 

I also think that if a man really wanted to commit, he would make that obvious. I wont have to goad him or convince him. When I did date, I got used to men who wanted to swoop me up fairly quickly. 

To me guys leave anyway so not committing in the first place makes breakups easier for me. I would have to sit her and imagine that something that doesn't or rarely happens for me will happen. I'm used to guys coming at me very sexually, ignoring me, or dating me shortly. I'm used to men dating men, dumping me for another women shortly thereafter, then having to be sad. I understand that I am very defensive. In fact, I wouldn't be dealing with current guy if I didn't already know him. We were in the school band together in high school. I do have a lot of rules which would normally excluded him (no dating men who frequent where I have fun). 

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

... I shouldn't go into in thinking I will be left, but that's the only thing I've ever known. I've never been married. Every guy dumps me no matter what I put up from him. I've honestly never felt a lot of love or like I was wanted romantically by and large. 

Of course, because you keep going into 'casual situationships.' You're agreeing--up front---to being a 'temp' sex partner, and you're positioning yourself for the exact endings you speak of.

Quote

I also think that if a man really wanted to commit, he would make that obvious. I wont have to goad him or convince him. When I did date, I got used to men who wanted to swoop me up fairly quickly. 

You're conflating men who want no-strings 'temporary' sex with 'every' man, including those who are only willing to date women who would NOT do that, because they're looking for a future partner.

You're hooking up casually, then you're wondering why you aren't valued. 

Consider researching how to 'date' men to find a loving relationship. There are millions of books, podcasts, videos--plenty of material to teach you. Head high.

[NuevoYorko]

You are setting all of this up for yourself.  You are getting something out of this, whether you are invested in being a kind of "victim," or you really don't want true intimacy in your life so you are protecting yourself by  ONLY getting "involved" with men who aren't offering intimacy.  

[hotpotato]

On 9/9/2024 at 11:02 AM, Leihla_B said:

Of course, because you keep going into 'casual situationships.' You're agreeing--up front---to being a 'temp' sex partner, and you're positioning yourself for the exact endings you speak of.

You're conflating men who want no-strings 'temporary' sex with 'every' man, including those who are only willing to date women who would NOT do that, because they're looking for a future partner.

You're hooking up casually, then you're wondering why you aren't valued. 

Consider researching how to 'date' men to find a loving relationship. There are millions of books, podcasts, videos--plenty of material to teach you. Head high.

The last two have been situationships, but I have also had actual boyfriends. It has always ended the same no matter what I wanted to expected. 

 

I think many men like Nsa sex. I've met maybe one or two men in my life who weren't willing to have sex with me with no commitment.  I think the man who wants nsa sex with woman will be much more loving to the right woman, so to me they are often the same man with different intentions. 

The current guy made me mad, so the sex may stop. 

[hotpotato]

On 9/9/2024 at 12:03 PM, NuevoYorko said:

You are setting all of this up for yourself.  You are getting something out of this, whether you are invested in being a kind of "victim," or you really don't want true intimacy in your life so you are protecting yourself by  ONLY getting "involved" with men who aren't offering intimacy.  

I've had boyfriends, but nowadays I don't meet a lot of men. For me to maybe have a boyfriend, if have to wait for chance, which usually takes years, or go back to the apps. Even when i managed to get boyfriends, I have never had at large a bunch of men trying to actually love me, it's mostly been the sex. 

 

I've found that most men 35 and up and very hung up on exes. It gets old. I had boyfriends like that, too.