Still chronically single

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I think the man who wants nsa sex with woman will be much more loving to the right woman, so to me they are often the same man with different intentions. 

Of course, because you agree to have NSA sex with those men.

Don’t agree to NSA sex, and you’ll filter out men who only want that from you. 

It’s a bit hard to understand why you haven’t thought of that elementary solution to your problem.

It’s like complaining that every time you go out in the rain, you get wet. And wondering why people who carry umbrellas don’t get wet. Indeed, why?..

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I've found that most men 35 and up and very hung up on exes.

Nope. It’s just the men that you’re meeting.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I have never had at large a bunch of men trying to actually love me, it's mostly been the sex. 

OK it sounds like you have had a lot of boyfriends.   Who cares about whether you had a bunch or not.   Most people don't fall in love with that many people in their lifetimes.  Also most people have to get to know someone to come to love them.  They're not necessarily "trying to love."

[Leihla_B]

On 9/12/2024 at 10:29 AM, hotpotato said:

The last two have been situationships, but I have also had actual boyfriends. It has always ended the same no matter what I wanted to expected. 

Most people are not our match. It's not a reason to lower your standards and hook up.

Quote

I think many men like Nsa sex. I've met maybe one or two men in my life who weren't willing to have sex with me with no commitment. 

If you offer no-strings sex, that's all you're going to get. 

Quote

I think the man who wants nsa sex with woman will be much more loving to the right woman, so to me they are often the same man with different intentions. 

Obviously, that hasn't been working for you. 

Edited September 13 by Leihla_B

[hotpotato]

I found some videos online by women who felt the way I do about dating. I don't feel like I get loved or picked. 

I found a few videos about and by women who feel they didn't get chosen. One lady said it started with the relationship with her mom. Her mom preferred her brother over her, which I can relate to. I'm definitely not the favorite, and most if the time I don't feel like she likes me. 

The woman said she was bullied , and she was different from a lot of people in her family. She went her own way and had her own opinions. 

Then she got into these romantic relationships that didn't work, and she felt replaceable. Pretty much everything she said I could relate to. 

She also said it's easy to act pitiful to get sympathy. I've honestly not had a lot of love in my life. 

I understand people in here saying that situationships or whatnot are temporary, and that I'm setting myself up to be a temp. Most of my relationships even boyfriends who said they loved me, the relationships was short and temporary. They'd dump me for other women. I feel very replaceable in the dating world. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

Most people are not our match. It's not a reason to lower your standards and hook up.

If you offer no-strings sex, that's all you're going to get. 

Obviously, that hasn't been working for you. 

Apparently no one's my match. Other people seem to not have so many problems. 

I also meant for this guy and myself to be more like situationship where we go out and be almost like boyfriend and girlfriend. We did go out once, and I thought it would be on a regular basis. 

Even when I was out there trying to actually date, I was mostly getting sexual offers. 

The situationship I have now has worked very similarly to me actually trying date. Most men date me for a few months and then leave for another woman. The situationship guy tried to get back with an ex, but he was unsuccessful. 

I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't have a lot of long term relationships under my belt. Like say dating for a few months and having a situationship for a few months don't feel that different to me. It's not like I go out into the dating world and a lot of guys are trying to be with me long term. 

[bpb2017]

Real sad attitude towards dating. You get what you give out.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

Apparently no one's my match. Other people seem to not have so many problems. 

Everyone has this problem. The ones who value themselves will hold out and only date for an actual relationship. Those are the ones who eventually strike gold and enjoy those relationships. Those who devalue themselves and settle for no strings sex end up getting nothing better than that.

Quote

I also meant for this guy and myself to be more like situationship where we go out and be almost like boyfriend and girlfriend. We did go out once, and I thought it would be on a regular basis. 

What you 'meant' doesn't translate to into anything better. If you settle for no-strings then try to pretend your way into an actual relationship, you just fool yourself.

Quote

Even when I was out there trying to actually date, I was mostly getting sexual offers. 

Everyone gets the sexual offers, they just don't bother with them. Just say, "No, thank you." Boom. Done. Move forward.

Quote

The situationship I have now has worked very similarly to me actually trying date.

Right. You got one date and enough heartbreak to bring you here to complain about him. That's not exactly a 'win'.

Quote

Most men date me for a few months and then leave for another woman. The situationship guy tried to get back with an ex, but he was unsuccessful. 

Your skills of screening out users are lousy, because you're unwilling to do it. You accept situationships, so you end up getting what you settle for.

Quote

I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't have a lot of long term relationships under my belt. Like say dating for a few months and having a situationship for a few months don't feel that different to me. It's not like I go out into the dating world and a lot of guys are trying to be with me long term. 

You haven't developed the skill of resilience to stand your ground solo until you meet a decent match. You're selling yourself out for no-stings sex, and then you're trying to pretend that into relationships.

My heart goes out to you. You don't believe you deserve better, so you're settling for scraps from people who will never come through for you. If you can learn how to value yourself and stabilize solo, you won't feel needy enough to accept scraps. You'll adopt pride and raise your standards. You'll enjoy being alone rather than accept sex with bottom-feeders, and this will buy you enough time to learn how to meet and date better people. It's true that this isn't instant, it takes time and commitment to your SELF. But once you're willing to do that, you'll never go back to what you're doing now, and you will thank yourself.

Head high, you are worth more than you realize.

Edited September 13 by Leihla_B

[Weezy1973]

So a bit of a different take, but could explain the issue. If I recall OP, you’re not attracted to the vast majority of men out there, so the men that you actually do engage with are a tiny percentage of men out there. I suspect you’re only attracted to very attractive men with a ton of options. And so they’re treating you as just an option. 
 

I also suspect you struggle with self worth so part of you believes that if one of these attractive men with tons of options does finally “pick” you, it will mean you’re worthy of being loved. But since it’s never happened, you don’t feel worthy of being loved and the cycle goes on and on. 
 

But as long as you’re seeking self worth externally, you will continue on the same path. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I feel very replaceable in the dating world. 

As long as you keep feeling replaceable, you are going to get replaced.

[hotpotato]

On 9/13/2024 at 8:02 PM, Gebidozo said:

As long as you keep feeling replaceable, you are going to get replaced.

Even at the beginning of my dating career, I was still being replaced. I've never felt like how I feel or wanted mattered in the dating world. 

On 9/13/2024 at 5:06 PM, Weezy1973 said:

So a bit of a different take, but could explain the issue. If I recall OP, you’re not attracted to the vast majority of men out there, so the men that you actually do engage with are a tiny percentage of men out there. I suspect you’re only attracted to very attractive men with a ton of options. And so they’re treating you as just an option. 
 

I also suspect you struggle with self worth so part of you believes that if one of these attractive men with tons of options does finally “pick” you, it will mean you’re worthy of being loved. But since it’s never happened, you don’t feel worthy of being loved and the cycle goes on and on. 
 

But as long as you’re seeking self worth externally, you will continue on the same path. 

Not being sexually attracted to a man doesn't mean it won't date him. Also, im really into fitness, and I dont see a problem dating men who are in good shape as well. My first real boyfriend was actually a computer nerd, and her certainly wasn't nicer than other men I dated. 

On 9/13/2024 at 3:16 PM, Leihla_B said:

Everyone has this problem. The ones who value themselves will hold out and only date for an actual relationship. Those are the ones who eventually strike gold and enjoy those relationships. Those who devalue themselves and settle for no strings sex end up getting nothing better than that.

What you 'meant' doesn't translate to into anything better. If you settle for no-strings then try to pretend your way into an actual relationship, you just fool yourself.

Everyone gets the sexual offers, they just don't bother with them. Just say, "No, thank you." Boom. Done. Move forward.

Right. You got one date and enough heartbreak to bring you here to complain about him. That's not exactly a 'win'.

Your skills of screening out users are lousy, because you're unwilling to do it. You accept situationships, so you end up getting what you settle for.

You haven't developed the skill of resilience to stand your ground solo until you meet a decent match. You're selling yourself out for no-stings sex, and then you're trying to pretend that into relationships.

My heart goes out to you. You don't believe you deserve better, so you're settling for scraps from people who will never come through for you. If you can learn how to value yourself and stabilize solo, you won't feel needy enough to accept scraps. You'll adopt pride and raise your standards. You'll enjoy being alone rather than accept sex with bottom-feeders, and this will buy you enough time to learn how to meet and date better people. It's true that this isn't instant, it takes time and commitment to your SELF. But once you're willing to do that, you'll never go back to what you're doing now, and you will thank yourself.

Head high, you are worth more than you realize.

Many people I know just married someone from high school or college. I know a lot of people who are in their 30s and having 15+ year anniversaries. They avoid the dating issue for the most part. 

I got tires of men who lie and manipulate trying to get sex out-of me, and thus, I have very little interest in dealing with them. I can weed them out, but that's almost every man. Sometimes it's hard because even men who seem to like me try to have sex quickly the same way another man would. I've met very few men who didn't try to have sex with me quickly, one being the kind of situationship guy, another was paralyzed from the chest down, and one was extremely religious. 

The last situationship was almost like bf/gf, we just never made it official. We both had our issues, one of his being drinking too much. This guy said he would marry me. 

I've gone years without a man in my life. I sometimes meet guys now beacuse I do more activities. I met one guy at a festival. The guy I want a situationship with goes to my entertainment venue. Normally I wouldn't have talked to him that much, but I knew him from school. I broke one of my rules kind of, and I would rather a cleaner break rather than make my happy place unhappy. 

I do enjoy being in my own. I have a bustling and exciting single life. I've not had anything serious in about 9 years. I don't have to have a man in my life.

I dont understand why I should act so confidently if I get rejected everytime intry to-date. 

[hotpotato]

Honestly, I'd been having a tough time lately. I have been having a lot of crushes lately, and finally, I kind of got a taker. We started talking, and it just kind of happened. He's really nice to me, and we actually have a lot in common. I think my crush will go away eventually. I already swore off dating. 

I am kind of leftover in the dating world. Sometimes people ask why I'm not married. I've always been hard-core single, and being dumped a lot doesn't exactly make me want to date. 

 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Even at the beginning of my dating career, I was still being replaced.

So what? Everyone get dumped. Everyone experience heartbreak. We can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can only change ours. You got replaced and then began to think yourself replaceable, so now you’re being replaced all the time because that’s what you’re projecting. It’s not too late to change your thinking. 
 

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Not being sexually attracted to a man doesn't mean it won't date him.

Do you mean you’ve dated men you weren’t sexually attracted to? Why would you do something like that? The whole point of dating is trying to build a connection with people we’re attracted to.

 

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I got tires of men who lie and manipulate trying to get sex out-of me, and thus, I have very little interest in dealing with them. I can weed them out, but that's almost every man.

Almost every man you meet. Please think why you’re attracting men like this and why you’re agreeing to date them in the first place. It’s not their problem, it’s your problem.

 

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Sometimes it's hard because even men who seem to like me try to have sex quickly the same way another man would.

And what is wrong with that, exactly? The more I am in love with a woman, the quicker I want to have sex with her. Why would you be offended by that?
 

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I dont understand why I should act so confidently if I get rejected everytime intry to-date. 

You shouldn’t act confidently, you should be confident. The reason you get rejected is the overall vibe you’re projecting, that of insecurity, self-pity, and a strange kind of prudishness that I personally find very off-putting.

Obviously, I can’t speak for all men, but I’m not attracted to women who keep complaining about lack of love, or to women who have such a low opinion about my gender. I’m attracted to women who give and receive a lot of love, and who genuinely love men. I don’t get this impression from you at all. On the contrary, there is something dreary and unromantic in the way you talk about these issues. 

So you see, I haven’t even met you in person, and I’m already turned off... I’m sorry for being so blunt. I certainly don’t represent my entire gender (no man does), and you can write me off as a mean a**h***, but I’m trying to help you by telling you honestly why I wouldn’t want to date you, for example. It’s your attitude. Change it, and I assure you men will begin flocking to you.

Edited September 15 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I got tires of men who lie and manipulate trying to get sex out-of me,

Can you define "lie and manipulate?"  Yes, I'm sure it happens on occasion, but I don't believe for a minute that it's a common thing for the average woman.  Are you choosing badly, or misinterpreting their approaches?

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 

Not being sexually attracted to a man doesn't mean it won't date him.

It can certainly happen that we give a first date to someone in the hope that sexual attraction may happen.  But any person who has a functioning sex drive will not want repeated dates with someone who isn't sexually attracted to them. 

If you're giving repeated dates to someone who you're not sexually attracted to, then they will quite rightly see you as a timewaster. 

Edited September 15 by basil67

[hotpotato]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Can you define "lie and manipulate?"  Yes, I'm sure it happens on occasion, but I don't believe for a minute that it's a common thing for the average woman.  Are you choosing badly, or misinterpreting their approaches?

It can certainly happen that we give a first date to someone in the hope that sexual attraction may happen.  But any person who has a functioning sex drive will not want repeated dates with someone who isn't sexually attracted to them. 

If you're giving repeated dates to someone who you're not sexually attracted to, then they will quite rightly see you as a timewaster. 

Nope, not exaggerating. I've had mean be very deceptive and lie and pretend like they like me trying to get that sex out of me. In fact, after awhile these guys admit to me they were trying to run game. I haven't had a lot of men try to love me at all. Its mostly been sex coming from them. 

Physically I just think men are ok. I dont expect to he wildly sexually attracted to most of them. With the current guy, he's not necessarily my physical type, but I still like him.

 

[hotpotato]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

So what? Everyone get dumped. Everyone experience heartbreak. We can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can only change ours. You got replaced and then began to think yourself replaceable, so now you’re being replaced all the time because that’s what you’re projecting. It’s not too late to change your thinking. 
 

Do you mean you’ve dated men you weren’t sexually attracted to? Why would you do something like that? The whole point of dating is trying to build a connection with people we’re attracted to.

 

Almost every man you meet. Please think why you’re attracting men like this and why you’re agreeing to date them in the first place. It’s not their problem, it’s your problem.

 

And what is wrong with that, exactly? The more I am in love with a woman, the quicker I want to have sex with her. Why would you be offended by that?
 

You shouldn’t act confidently, you should be confident. The reason you get rejected is the overall vibe you’re projecting, that of insecurity, self-pity, and a strange kind of prudishness that I personally find very off-putting.

Obviously, I can’t speak for all men, but I’m not attracted to women who keep complaining about lack of love, or to women who have such a low opinion about my gender. I’m attracted to women who give and receive a lot of love, and who genuinely love men. I don’t get this impression from you at all. On the contrary, there is something dreary and unromantic in the way you talk about these issues. 

So you see, I haven’t even met you in person, and I’m already turned off... I’m sorry for being so blunt. I certainly don’t represent my entire gender (no man does), and you can write me off as a mean a**h***, but I’m trying to help you by telling you honestly why I wouldn’t want to date you, for example. It’s your attitude. Change it, and I assure you men will begin flocking to you.

A lot of people I know just dated and married college or high school sweetheart. They didn't spend years in the dating world. Other people have more positive experiences amidst their negative ones. My friend has always had men try to love her, even when she was a kid it was easy for you. She had some negative experiences, but she's also had positive ones. She was married several times. 

I don't have a reason to feel be confident.

I'll date someone I'm not 100% sexually attracted to if I like them otherwise. Current guy, if you want to call him that, is a wee pudgy, but he's really nice. I think you can like someone and not like everything about them. 

Idk. Even when men like me, they come at me sexually very quickly. It's just something men do to me. I can't control a grown man. I can only reject him if I see something I don't like.

Most of tge time sex has nothing to do with love. Only lust. I'm glad you're like that, but that's not what I have encountered. Most men whobtry to have sex with me are not in love with me, ba door the most part knew very little about me. I like when men slow down and get to know me. 

I dont usually have this kind of discussion with anyone especially not other men. I've had this discussion with my ex from Nola (one who was bringing grown daughter onnmost of pur dates) after he dumped me and current guy after he essentially sent me a break up text. 

Most of my experiences with men have been either neutral or negative, sometimes very negative (like assault, stalking, lying, etc). I don't have a lot of positive experiences with them. I do have a lot of anxiety. 

To be honest, I haven't had a lot of love in my life in general from anybody. I wrote tht in the long post in this thread. 

What makes you think I don't like men? They're different, they're not bad. 

I dont have a problem attracting guys. In fact, I turn them away. I would have turned away current guy if I didn't already kind of know him. Not that he was bad, I try not to get dates from fun places I frequent aka don't 💩 where you eat. 

I could probably go to a club and easily attract a lot of guys. I get told I'm nice and pretty. I've had a few men say they would marry me (but didnt). 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

What makes you think I don't like men?

Because you keep saying negative things about them and nothing positive at all.

That alone is a reason for someone like me not to want to date you. Just saying.

I don’t know anyone who married their high school sweetheart. Or if they did, they are long divorced. 

I’m 48 and I was married several times and had a lot of drama and heartbreaks in my life. I was dumped several times, was in crazy states of mind. But I love and respect women. I don’t think any woman has ever “used” me. I’m grateful to everyone I’ve been with. Try to have the same mindset towards men.

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Because you keep saying negative things about them and nothing positive at all.

That alone is a reason for someone like me not to want to date you. Just saying.

I don’t know anyone who married their high school sweetheart. Or if they did, they are long divorced. 

I’m 48 and I was married several times and had a lot of drama and heartbreaks in my life. I was dumped several times, was in crazy states of mind. But I love and respect women. I don’t think any woman has ever “used” me. I’m grateful to everyone I’ve been with. Try to have the same mindset towards men.

I haven't had a lot of positive experiences with men, especially not in general. I think men can be gallant and brave. I definitely had plenty of guys try to use me. 

It's common where I live for people to marry young. They don't have to deal with a bunch of dating as long as they stay married. 

 

[hotpotato]

Ok, I can admit I come across as not liking men. I just haven't had a lot of good experiences with them. 

I feel like trying to date them and being rejected most of the time isn't making it better. I don't find men to be loving and sweet most of the time. 

Years ago, I tried to date a man. One day he asked "Do you play softball?" I said no and asked why he would asked that. I thought it was because I'm athletic. He said, "Well isn't that what women who don't like men do?"

For a long time people have thought I was a lesbian, partially because I've always been single a lot. Situationship guy even asked who I dated in high school. 

I have a lot of anxiety and around men, dating, and relationships. Going out and dating and being rejected has never helped. I used to literally run away when a guy tried to talk to me. I used to have anxiety attacks when guys asked me out, and I nearly stood up my nola guy because of my anxiety. 

I'd almost have to have a male therapist be like a surrogate boyfriend, a rock I can depend on. I would need something like reparenting. 

I told current situationship guy that I haven't had anything serious in 9 years which many men find scary. I did get negative with him when he sent essentially a break up text. I knew it was gonna be an issue when he said i was "a lot."

Edited September 15 by hotpotato

[Alpacalia]

On 9/12/2024 at 7:35 AM, hotpotato said:

Even when i managed to get boyfriends, I have never had at large a bunch of men trying to actually love me, it's mostly been the sex. 

Why do you need such a "large bunch of men" trying to actually love you?

What you see as men just wanting sex is also because you're a willing participant. That is NOT your only value.

However, because you seem to go for it, you're constantly telling yourself what value you have. Or rather you're reinforcing your belief through their behavior of them not wanting to care, not wanting to get to know you and actually fall in love with you. 

I'm not discrediting possible bad behavior from some men in your life but somewhere, there must be a time where you shared responsibility by engaging with them.

Now this could be superficial or deep-seated. But you consciously can look at yourself and start to think 'what is it about me that is making these people behave towards me this way.'

You have to have your own love and be the one to cut out people who simply don't want to invest in you. 

I think there is a lot of self pity here. Are you trying to attract someone by being pitiful? That never works with men. True, most men aren't going to marry a woman they feel sorry for or want to "save." Well, some might. Most want a confident woman who brings joy, humor, intellect, challenge and beauty into their life. They want a woman who has a mental and emotional maturity.

Take a huge breath.... Love men EQUALLY as yourself!

If you're only going to do it thinking you're lesser, you're going to attract an a**h***.

 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Ok, I can admit I come across as not liking men.

Yup, you do. And that’s why they don’t like you back.

What would you say to one of those guys that whine on forums about how women don’t really like them, how women are only in it for money, how women can’t tell a good guy from a bad guy? That’s right, “shut the f*** up and grow up”. But these things work both ways, for both genders.

 

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I have a lot of anxiety and around men, dating, and relationships. Going out and dating and being rejected has never helped. I used to literally run away when a guy tried to talk to me. I used to have anxiety attacks when guys asked me out, and I nearly stood up my nola guy because of my anxiety. 

 

There you go, there is your problem. You don’t really like men and you’re scared of them. But you’ve got to understand, fear invariably generates unpleasant emotions in other people. As long as you’re afraid of men, they are going to be afraid of you, or get tired of you, or just won’t be interested in you. 

Instead of looking for a man to solve your problem, try working on it. Become confident and brave. Stop obsessing with your previous rejections, they mean nothing. If you get rejected 273 times and the 274th time you get together with the man of your dreams, doesn’t this success completely annul all those rejections?

[NuevoYorko]

 I do have sympathy for you because you're feeling bad. But my soft heartedness is tempered, because YOU are the one who keeps doing the same things over and over and then complaining about how it turns out.

You seem to know how it will turn out - so why keep doing the same thing?

You have a few huge misconceptions.  One of them is that people choose someone to love.  Maybe in some cases.  Generally though people FALL in love with another person.  This happens because of what goes on between them.  It's a two way street.  Not just guys picking out women to love and then being in love.  

Another glaring thing is that you speak of relationships as completely transactional, and of yourself like you're merchandise on a shelf waiting to be picked.  

Surely you're aware that people need to get to know each other before either one of them decides that they want to  pursue a serious relationship with the other.   And just because some guy "picks" a woman, who's to say that the woman is going to like him back in the same way?

Finally, the sex thing.  As long as you're ready and willing to have sex with any guy who shows interest in you, you're going to continue to have experiences of feeling "used" for sex.  Believe me, almost every woman who is alive has had men trying their luck at getting into her pants.  You are one of many.  Where you are on a different track is that you continue to go along with that ... which is fine, except that you then complain a lot about where you end up.

Your choices ...

 

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Are you trying to attract someone by being pitiful? That never works with men. True, most men aren't going to marry a woman they feel sorry for or want to "save." Well, some might. Most want a confident woman who brings joy, humor, intellect, challenge and beauty into their life. They want a woman who has a mental and emotional maturity.

Exactly. And it works in both directions, for both genders.

[Acacia98]

On 9/4/2024 at 6:34 AM, hotpotato said:

Well, we are not really serious like that so there's no need to actually break up. 

I've never run from a relationship or ran away from commitment once I had it. In fact, I've never broken up with a boyfriend. They've always left me. 

You say that like it's a positive achievement. A lot of the time, breaking up is the right thing to do. You should get into the habit of breaking up with men you're dating once you start to recognize they are not right for you. Breaking up with someone doesn't automatically mean they're unlovable or there's something fundamentally wrong with them. It means you are not a good relationship match and you're letting them go so that they can find a better match and you can find a better match.

On 9/7/2024 at 4:22 AM, hotpotato said:

Unfortunately, I kind of caught feelings a little, but it'll pass. I still don't want to date seriously. I don't think he wants to be serious or he would've said so right now. I think he's not over his ex. 

I've never had a relationship that ended. Ice always been dumped. How am I supposed to feel? 

In every situation you've described in detail, the relationship's end has seemed inevitable to me. If a relationship is bound to end, and if you have made a commitment to never dump the guy, he will ultimately have to be the one who does the dumping.

On 9/7/2024 at 7:34 PM, hotpotato said:

he is having a weird issue with his ex. I think she is a stalker, and I think he still has a thing for her. I caught him hanging out with her on one of the days he was 'busy.' She posted a picture of him on her Fb with day, location, and time stamp. She popped up on ny page thanks to the algorithm. He's in the doghouse right now, kind of. 

He sends mixed signals, and im concerned he does this to the ex as well. He swears he cut ties with her, but I did catch him in a lie thanks to the exes post. He lied, but im also concerned that she is possessive and vindictive. He's messed up in my eyes, but she brought it to light. I do suspect he told her he went on a date with someone(me), and she let the world know he was with her. 

This is a perfect example of a situation that is going to end. The guy is being dishonest with you about his ex. He claims she's not in his life, but he's secretly spending time with her. Why would he lie about that? As you yourself observed, it sounds like he still has feelings for her. His feelings for her will eventually overpower his casual situation with you. There's history between them and their boundaries are very weak. So it's inevitable. That means he will dump you eventually. Instead of waiting to be dumped, you should end things and walk away with some dignity. But you're not going to do that. And then when he dumps you, you will feel sorry for yourself.

On 9/8/2024 at 10:00 PM, hotpotato said:

I haven't quite figured out what was wrong, and I dont get a lot of feedback. The most I get was cook and clean more, but I've also tried that. Sometimes I'm forgetful, and im a bit weird. I'm reserved as opposed to social butterfly. 

Honestly, I don't feel like guys are anywhere near as forgiving to me as I am to them. That's one reason I don't feel impetus to date. 

At the same time I see men tolerate a lot of things from other women, like physical abuse. 

Perhaps you are too forgiving of the men you date. Some of their character traits or actions make them completely unsuitable partners. The appropriate response is not to "forgive" them and stand by them, it's to wish them well and say goodbye.

The men you see tolerating a lot of things, including physical abuse, are making the same mistake as you. Viewing their passive acceptance of disrespect as making them somehow ideal boyfriends is very problematic.

[hotpotato]

On 9/15/2024 at 8:57 PM, Alpacalia said:

Why do you need such a "large bunch of men" trying to actually love you?

What you see as men just wanting sex is also because you're a willing participant. That is NOT your only value.

However, because you seem to go for it, you're constantly telling yourself what value you have. Or rather you're reinforcing your belief through their behavior of them not wanting to care, not wanting to get to know you and actually fall in love with you. 

I'm not discrediting possible bad behavior from some men in your life but somewhere, there must be a time where you shared responsibility by engaging with them.

Now this could be superficial or deep-seated. But you consciously can look at yourself and start to think 'what is it about me that is making these people behave towards me this way.'

You have to have your own love and be the one to cut out people who simply don't want to invest in you. 

I think there is a lot of self pity here. Are you trying to attract someone by being pitiful? That never works with men. True, most men aren't going to marry a woman they feel sorry for or want to "save." Well, some might. Most want a confident woman who brings joy, humor, intellect, challenge and beauty into their life. They want a woman who has a mental and emotional maturity.

Take a huge breath.... Love men EQUALLY as yourself!

If you're only going to do it thinking you're lesser, you're going to attract an a**h***.

 

As far as number, I can barely get one or two interested in me unless I go on apps and go through some serious numbers. I thought being a woman meant men were so loving, at least towards other women. 

 

Just because a man comes at me sexually doesn't mean I have sex with him. I'm not necessarily a willing participant. The vast majority of them get turned away. There was a time when I did try to date seriously, and I still had a bunch of men just trying to have sex with me. I gave up on actually trying to date in general, hence the current situation. 

With the current one, people think he's my boyfriend. To others it looks like we are kind of sweet on each other, and he's pretty much a friend. He's really nice to me, he just doesn't want to commit like that. I messed up and broke my rules. Normally I wouldn't have dealt with him anyway, but I developed a crush on him. 

Guys who dated me thinking I'm smart, vibrant, energetic, etc. I don't go around woe is me all the time. The only time I get like that is when they dump me. At that point it doesn't matter anymore. 

I've been single for about 9 years. I've been living my best life filled with adventures. I'm not really sure how people think I live. 

 

Edited September 17 by hotpotato