Still chronically single

[hotpotato]

On 9/15/2024 at 9:11 PM, Gebidozo said:

Exactly. And it works in both directions, for both genders.

I really don't know how everyone thinks I live. I rarely talk like this in the real world. Guys who actually date me think I'm fun, vibrant, energetic, maybe a bit of risk taker, too. 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

The only time I get like that is when they dump me.

Have you ever considered dumping them first when they show that they aren't actually good partners?  

[hotpotato]

On 9/15/2024 at 9:09 PM, Gebidozo said:

Yup, you do. And that’s why they don’t like you back.

What would you say to one of those guys that whine on forums about how women don’t really like them, how women are only in it for money, how women can’t tell a good guy from a bad guy? That’s right, “shut the f*** up and grow up”. But these things work both ways, for both genders.

 

There you go, there is your problem. You don’t really like men and you’re scared of them. But you’ve got to understand, fear invariably generates unpleasant emotions in other people. As long as you’re afraid of men, they are going to be afraid of you, or get tired of you, or just won’t be interested in you. 

Instead of looking for a man to solve your problem, try working on it. Become confident and brave. Stop obsessing with your previous rejections, they mean nothing. If you get rejected 273 times and the 274th time you get together with the man of your dreams, doesn’t this success completely annul all those rejections?

Hey, I've had men kind of like me for awhile. Men aren't bad, they just have different priorities. 

I've literally had to fight men off of me amongst other things. Recently I was afraid some guy would shoot me and my friends. I haven't exactly had the best time with men. I haven't seen that much kindness from men. 

I doubt any man is afraid of me! 

I just don't feel like that. I don't understand why I should be confident if guys keep dumping me. To keep in means a lot because its proof men don't want me. I don't have a lot of proof that men like me like that, unless I deal with a bunch of their issues. One man's trash is another man's treasure. I don't feel like that. 

I'm looking for a man to solve what problem? I've been single foe about 9 years with not much to do with men. 

I will give up we before 274 times! 

[hotpotato]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you ever considered dumping them first when they show that they aren't actually good partners?  

If I dumped them, I wouldn't have any long term relationships. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

If I dumped them, I wouldn't have any long term relationships. 

Is being in a long term relationship with a guy who’s not a good partner better than being single?  

Have you ever considered that while you’re wasting time with Mr Wrong, that Mr Right May have passed you by?

[hotpotato]

On 9/15/2024 at 9:10 PM, NuevoYorko said:

 I do have sympathy for you because you're feeling bad. But my soft heartedness is tempered, because YOU are the one who keeps doing the same things over and over and then complaining about how it turns out.

You seem to know how it will turn out - so why keep doing the same thing?

You have a few huge misconceptions.  One of them is that people choose someone to love.  Maybe in some cases.  Generally though people FALL in love with another person.  This happens because of what goes on between them.  It's a two way street.  Not just guys picking out women to love and then being in love.  

Another glaring thing is that you speak of relationships as completely transactional, and of yourself like you're merchandise on a shelf waiting to be picked.  

Surely you're aware that people need to get to know each other before either one of them decides that they want to  pursue a serious relationship with the other.   And just because some guy "picks" a woman, who's to say that the woman is going to like him back in the same way?

Finally, the sex thing.  As long as you're ready and willing to have sex with any guy who shows interest in you, you're going to continue to have experiences of feeling "used" for sex.  Believe me, almost every woman who is alive has had men trying their luck at getting into her pants.  You are one of many.  Where you are on a different track is that you continue to go along with that ... which is fine, except that you then complain a lot about where you end up.

Your choices ...

 

That's why I don't date- I know how it will turn out so don't bother. I did stop dealing with men for the most part. With the current guy, im actually cutting off the sex. I do want more effort out of him even if we are not official. We can be casual and then have a clean break if need be. 

I understand no one can make another person love them. I've said that many times on this board. In fact, I have a policy to not try to make men like me. If a man doesn't show proper interest, I take it as it is. I've never had to go behind a man and make him spend time with me and get to know me if he really wanted to. If someone's not feeling it, then that's just how it is. 

If a man were to come at me in a sexual way, i wouldnt even try to make him talk to me and get to know me. If thats how he feels, theres nothing i can do. 

if a man doesnt choose to love me, tgen we cant go any further. So not being picked is a barrier to finding a relationship. 

We need to clarify. I am not having sex with any and every man who shows a little sexual interest in me. I may have a fwb here and there, but that's not the same as just having sex with whoever. I stopped doing that maybe 15, 20 years ago. 

I don't like men coming at me in a hypersexual way in general. I may complain about guys attempting to treat me in a certain way, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in. I've also met men who will outright lie in an attempt to get sex. I do consider that trying to use me. 

So me complaining about a lot of men coming at me in a sexual way does not necessarily mean I'm actually having sex with them. I don't like the treatment in general. 

[hotpotato]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is being in a long term relationship with a guy who’s not a good partner better than being single?  

Have you ever considered that while you’re wasting time with Mr Wrong, that Mr Right May have passed you by?

No, but that's why I'm single. I get tired of dealing with certain things. 

I've been single for about 9 years, and Mr Right hasn't come along. Mr Right has had plenty of opportunity to come along. 

The current situationship guy is almost everything I want in a guy. That's just kind of happened. Even with the other guy who almost kind of a boyfriend, that just happened. This so called Mr Right has yet just happen.

Dating nowadays is a lot different. Now  with their kids and all of their baggage from being married and divorced and all of their long term relationships. 

I pretty much retired from the dating world. I think if Mr Right were gonna show up, he would've done it by now. I'm glad I gave up because it allowed me to live my life to the fullest and be who I truly am. I may be too weird for love now. A lot of things I do my current situationship is actually into. 

Edited September 17 by hotpotato

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I don't understand why I should be confident if guys keep dumping me.

I told you several times, you have it upside down. Guys keep dumping you because you aren’t confident, not the other way round.

I don’t feel that you’ve been actually reading what I wrote to you. You reply in circles, repeating the same complaints like mantras. 

You said men described you as fun, vibrant, and energetic. I’m not getting this vibe from you at all, quite the opposite. Can it be the reason for your lack of success?

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I told you several times, you have it upside down. Guys keep dumping you because you aren’t confident, not the other way round.

I don’t feel that you’ve been actually reading what I wrote to you. You reply in circles, repeating the same complaints like mantras. 

You said men described you as fun, vibrant, and energetic. I’m not getting this vibe from you at all, quite the opposite. Can it be the reason for your lack of success?

I understand what you are saying, I just don't feel that way. I feel like you are saying I should be confident just because regardless of what happened in the past. I don't feel that. 

I do have faults. I'm reserved I'm not super loud and talkative like other women, I'm more subtle. I've had guys say I don't talk a lot, and to be fair, a lot of women are extremely chatty. I had one say long ago that my charms are more subtle. If I went to a club, I'd easily be drowned up by much louder women. 

Well, you've never actually met me! One thing I did do with exes was have a lot of fun. Nola dude has some weird things going on, like bringing his adult daughter to our dates. Then he would call me selfish for complaining, and he was still fawning over second ex wife. My longest relationship was just plain bad. He was close to hitting me, and he had multiple addictions. Even with situationship guy now we have fun together, laugh, have great times together. 

I'm not the sad chic from Inside Out lol. Maybe I am dreary about dating now, but im not like that all day every day. 

You are trying to judge me by some internet posts. 

Edited September 17 by hotpotato

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I feel like you are saying I should be confident just because regardless of what happened in the past. I don't feel that. 

Well, that’s exactly the problem. You don’t feel confident. Start working on it. It’s a long, difficult process. It took me years and multiple divorces to get out of a terrible mental state and to gain confidence. You seem to be giving up before you’ve even started. Try and you can do that!

 

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I do have faults. I'm reserved I'm not super loud and talkative like other women, I'm more subtle.

I had to laugh at this one🙄 Just listen to yourself. You even manage to praise yourself right after saying that you do have faults. “I do have faults, I’m not like all those bad, bad other women you guys like so much! Hmmm!” 

Can you please believe me that this is a serious turn off? Lack of humility is very unattractive.

 

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

You are trying to judge me by some internet posts. 

I’m not trying to judge you at all. You’re the one asking for advice, and I’m giving it to you. I don’t believe you’re fun. You keep thinking you’re a catch, which is an automatic turn off. You keep dating some weird, pathetic dudes who moan over their exes or worse, which is another huge turn off. You agree to be exploited for sex. You don’t break up with men you should break up with. You have a low opinion of men. You’re very insecure and you overpraise yourself, which is the opposite of being confident and humble. All turn offs.

I’m trying to help you by explaining to you why attractive men wouldn’t be interested in you and why you’re attracting unattractive men and why even they dump you. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but what if I’m right? Maybe it’s time to think about these issues of yours?

Edited September 18 by Gebidozo

[hotpotato]

47 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, that’s exactly the problem. You don’t feel confident. Start working on it. It’s a long, difficult process. It took me years and multiple divorces to get out of a terrible mental state and to gain confidence. You seem to be giving up before you’ve even started. Try and you can do that!

 

I had to laugh at this one🙄 Just listen to yourself. You even manage to praise yourself right after saying that you do have faults. “I do have faults, I’m not like all those bad, bad other women you guys like so much! Hmmm!” 

Can you please believe me that this is a serious turn off? Lack of humility is very unattractive.

 

I’m not trying to judge you at all. You’re the one asking for advice, and I’m giving it to you. I don’t believe you’re fun. You keep thinking you’re a catch, which is an automatic turn off. You keep dating some weird, pathetic dudes who moan over their exes or worse, which is another huge turn off. You agree to be exploited for sex. You don’t break up with men you should break up with. You have a low opinion of men. You’re very insecure and you overpraise yourself, which is the opposite of being confident and humble. All turn offs.

I’m trying to help you by explaining to you why attractive men wouldn’t be interested in you and why you’re attracting unattractive men and why even they dump you. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but what if I’m right? Maybe it’s time to think about these issues of yours?

How is admitting my faults a problem? Me not being super talkative has been something men brought up to me. How did I praise myself by pointing out something man men would find as being a fault? Some men find it quite odd. 

My ex from Nola told his friend and mentioned to me that a big reason I stay single is beacuse I am reserved and not like a social butterfly. I also had another guy tell me how my charms are more subtle, and thus, it was easy for men to pass over me. 

No one said anyone was bad for being talkative and outgoing. Thats just not me. 

I'm telling you what actually happened in my relationships, like the guy bringing his 23 year old daughter on his dates. He was hot, so I can attract hot guys if I want. I've dated semi pro athletes in the past as well as a beautiful man or two. I had a good looking man come on to me just the other day. 

You've never met me in person. Yes, I can be dreary at times like anyone else. You believe I am sitting around moping and constantly complaining because I'm complaining on a website. I certainly didn't say I was a catch especially after saying I get dumped for other women.

I thought I was supposed to be confident. So I shouldn't think I'm a catch? I thought that's what you were complaining about, the whole confidence thing. 

I've yet to meet a man over 35 who at some point didn't get sad over an ex, some men just do it more than others. 

Once again, how did I praise myself by bringing up something men literally think is strange and unusual???

Situationship guy didn't dump me. He sent that text, but we are still friends. 

[hotpotato]

I have been called insecure before. The guy who called me that dumped me (nola guy). I don't know how or why I should feel so confident. Every time I get dumped, it gets worse. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I thought I was supposed to be confident. So I shouldn't think I'm a catch?

There is no connection between confidence and thinking oneself a catch. Confidence comes from within, and leads to humility. You constantly seek approval from the outside, as though you were an object waiting to be appraised.

I don’t understand your approach to dating at all. Instead of connecting with men on the basis of mutual attraction and compatibility, you’re choosing some weird dudes just because they are “hot” (?) and athletes. How strangely superficial… I wouldn’t even know how to talk to you if we were dating. 

Sorry, we seem to have too different ideas about love and relationships, I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to tell you, and I probably can’t help you. 

[basil67]

19 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Dating nowadays is a lot different. Now  with their kids and all of their baggage from being married and divorced and all of their long term relationships. 

Would you be open to meeting a man who has kids IF he didn't come with a boatload of drama?   

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Would you be open to meeting a man who has kids IF he didn't come with a boatload of drama?   

Depends on how many. The last time I tried to talk a man who had kids, he was also very stuck on the ex. Because they had kids together, she had to be in the picture. He made good money, but he had 5 kids which made him broke. He was living very different lifestyle from myself. 

 

 

[hotpotato]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no connection between confidence and thinking oneself a catch. Confidence comes from within, and leads to humility. You constantly seek approval from the outside, as though you were an object waiting to be appraised.

I don’t understand your approach to dating at all. Instead of connecting with men on the basis of mutual attraction and compatibility, you’re choosing some weird dudes just because they are “hot” (?) and athletes. How strangely superficial… I wouldn’t even know how to talk to you if we were dating. 

Sorry, we seem to have too different ideas about love and relationships, I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to tell you, and I probably can’t help you. 

I do agree I talk about myself like a piece of fruit on a tree waiting to be picked. 

I dont see how admitting ones faults bragging. It is a different life. My friend is a hard-core talker and very social. She can talk about anything or nothing. She's been married 3x, and she was a bartender. 

If I go to a bar, it's easy to be drowned out by much more aggressively social women. Even the friend drowns me out sometimes. That doesn't mean she or anybody is bad, it just what it is. 

Those guys were attractive, but we still had a connection. One of them said he would've married me had he been in his 30s. I'm also athletic so that's something I have in common with these guys. I genuinely like him, but he just had some weird stuff going on. He would bring his grown daughter on dates, and she would literally stand between us. If he could admit he is wrong sometimes he might still be with the love of his life, second ex wife. 

I feel like you are saying I was only hanging around him because he was 'hot.' I was legit crazy about him! 

I do understand what you are saying. I think the difference I want to social proof first. 

 

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, hotpotato said:

.He was hot, so I can attract hot guys if I want. I've dated semi pro athletes in the past as well as a beautiful man or two. I had a good looking man come on to me just the other day. 

As long as this continues to be top priority for you, things won’t change. You’re attracted to a very small subset of superficially attractive men. They have lots of options, and you’re treated like just another option. You’re not seeking depth or connection or long term compatibility. So you get a situationship instead of a relationship. Or men thinking of you just for sex and nothing else.
 

You do realize plenty of women are in long term, healthy, satisfying  relationships right? This is not a “men” problem. This is a you problem. You’re the common denominator. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

As long as this continues to be top priority for you, things won’t change. You’re attracted to a very small subset of superficially attractive men. They have lots of options, and you’re treated like just another option. You’re not seeking depth or connection or long term compatibility. So you get a situationship instead of a relationship. Or men thinking of you just for sex and nothing else.
 

You do realize plenty of women are in long term, healthy, satisfying  relationships right? This is not a “men” problem. This is a you problem. You’re the common denominator. 

Nola guy was boyfriend and relarionship. I'm really into fitness, and I dont see what's wrong if I want another guy into fitness. In fact, he was a very excellent boyfriend aside from a few of his aforementioned tendencies. 

I dated a man who was a computer nerd, and current situationship is quite pudgy. It's all been the same in the end. I'd say situationship guy and I have a lot in common personality-wise, so no, I'm not just going for superficial things. 

I dont always date me who I find the most attractive. In fact, I've tried to date guys i found very so so. 

I guess men just want them more. So be it. I pretty much retired from actively dating around 8 years ago. There's a guy I could date right now, I would just have to deal with his issues. 

Eta: Being a good looking man doesn't mean a man is a player. Some of the worst men I dealt with were average and below. I've met men who were beautiful but also dependable and thoughtful. 

Edited September 18 by hotpotato

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I do understand what you are saying.

No, you don’t.

You appear to view relationships in an artificial, superficial light. You talk about yourself and about men as though they were wares in a store. Hence your constant disappointment and envy, which is akin to a seller who sees customers buying wares in a rival store.

Because of that, you’re attracting all sorts of weird men, men you have no real connection with, men who are as confused as you are. If you want to attract more confident, mature, attractive men, you need to change your entire mindset.

I tried to explain these things to you, but you really aren’t listening. 

 

[hotpotato]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

No, you don’t.

You appear to view relationships in an artificial, superficial light. You talk about yourself and about men as though they were wares in a store. Hence your constant disappointment and envy, which is akin to a seller who sees customers buying wares in a rival store.

Because of that, you’re attracting all sorts of weird men, men you have no real connection with, men who are as confused as you are. If you want to attract more confident, mature, attractive men, you need to change your entire mindset.

I tried to explain these things to you, but you really aren’t listening. 

 

I've actual had boyfriends. I don't view relationships as superficial. I've actually took time dated, gotten to know people, etc. I'm not envious. Everything just is what it is. 

I dont know if these guys are confused. They seem to know what they want, which is their exes. I guess it's hard for me to envision men who are 35 and up who aren't some degree pining over or mad about an ex. When I tried to date younger men, I didn't have that issue. 

When I deal with love, I go by what I've seen and experienced, not things that are hypothetical to me. 

I'm listening. You're telling me to be confident, and i don't see why I just be that if I'm not already doing well in dating. 

[Gebidozo]

11 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I'm listening. You're telling me to be confident, and i don't see why I just be that if I'm not already doing well in dating. 

If you don’t understand that confidence comes from within, I can’t help you.

Also, it’s not just your lack of confidence. It’s the way you connect to men, it’s like they are objects and you’re an object too. 

Sorry, I can’t explain it better, and honestly I’m a bit tired from repeating the same things over and over.

[hotpotato]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you don’t understand that confidence comes from within, I can’t help you.

Also, it’s not just your lack of confidence. It’s the way you connect to men, it’s like they are objects and you’re an object too. 

Sorry, I can’t explain it better, and honestly I’m a bit tired from repeating the same things over and over.

Maybe you are asking me to do something I've never experienced?!??! I don't know. I don't know if I've ever had anyone love me deeply. 

The men I've dated or tried to date I don't see them as objects. The men I dated I would consider that close and loving, or at least the closest I've ever had to such things. Maybe it's not what you would consider close, and I could see that being an issue. 

I don't feel like I can be confident in dating if I get dumped pretty much every time. It's just feeding into that feeling of not being picked. That's why I doesn't bother so much to have a loose relarionship that can break cleanly. To me it would just end anyway, im just making it more pleasant for myself. 

I watched some YouTube videos about women who don't feel like they were picked. They admitted that it's a negative question to ask in the beginning. It's like saying off that bat there is something wrong with you. These feelings have a root, and i know what mine is. Everytime I get rejected whether bullying, or being rejected it was just feeding into the issue and giving it more life. 

That's why I think a male therapist acting almost as a boyfriend kind (of like reparenting). That way I could have something good and positive and stable as a foundation. 

I feel like you are saying to just be confident no matter what has happened, you got this. 

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I do agree I talk about myself like a piece of fruit on a tree waiting to be picked. 

That's the impression I've gotten.   Very passive, and also not even engaged at all in deciding whether YOU like a guy or want to be with him.  You're just there ... you have sex if they want to ... and it's up to them whether they choose to go any further with you or just summarily dump you.  

A revolving door of guys who all might as well be the same person, and you don't make any efforts to distinguish between those who might be a good match for you and the rest of them.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's the impression I've gotten.   Very passive, and also not even engaged at all in deciding whether YOU like a guy or want to be with him.  You're just there ... you have sex if they want to ... and it's up to them whether they choose to go any further with you or just summarily dump you.  

A revolving door of guys who all might as well be the same person, and you don't make any efforts to distinguish between those who might be a good match for you and the rest of them.

I agree.  Your comment about how Mr Right hasn't arrived also speaks to passivity.  What had you been doing to help find Mr Right?

[Leihla_B]

8 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I don't feel like I can be confident in dating if I get dumped pretty much every time.

Most of us have been dumped multiple times. The difference is, we've also been willing to do the dumping when it's clear that we're not with a good match. But from what you've described, you just hang in there regardless of red flags or mistreatment until you get dumped.

Of course, this harms your confidence. When you're not even willing to ditch men who are lousy for you, you won't come out recognizing that you've dodged a bullet. That recognition would build your confidence, not sink it. But hanging onto bad matches is a form of mistreating yourself--and when you're willing to do that, people can sense it, and they won't respect you, either.

You've spoken confidently about enjoying your life for the last 9 years. But if that confidence were true, you'd gladly pass on situationships and anyone who isn't willing to properly date you to get to know you as a human being despite a standard that tells him you're only willing to date to find the right person for a committed relationship, which to you, doesn't involve getting sexual until you know a person well enough to establish trust.

But I do think you're right about working with a therapist. They are trained in this stuff. Hopefully, they can help you to appreciate your value--and once you have that, that IS confidence. You won't sell that out to settle for anyone who offers you a lousy match.

Head high.