Still chronically single

[Acacia98]

On 9/17/2024 at 2:46 PM, hotpotato said:

I don't have a lot of proof that men like me like that, unless I deal with a bunch of their issues. One man's trash is another man's treasure. I don't feel like that. 

These issues you're referring to seem to be character traits or circumstances that make them lousy partners. So your compromise in those cases translates into a whole lot of wasted time and energy on your part and the sense that you're not worthy.

On 9/17/2024 at 2:47 PM, hotpotato said:

If I dumped them, I wouldn't have any long term relationships. 

That's not accurate. If you dumped them, you wouldn't have long-term relationships with them. But you would be freer to notice, meet, and date other men.

On 9/17/2024 at 3:06 PM, hotpotato said:

No, but that's why I'm single. I get tired of dealing with certain things. 

I've been single for about 9 years, and Mr Right hasn't come along. Mr Right has had plenty of opportunity to come along. 

The current situationship guy is almost everything I want in a guy. That's just kind of happened. Even with the other guy who almost kind of a boyfriend, that just happened. This so called Mr Right has yet just happen.

Dating nowadays is a lot different. Now  with their kids and all of their baggage from being married and divorced and all of their long term relationships. 

I pretty much retired from the dating world. I think if Mr Right were gonna show up, he would've done it by now. I'm glad I gave up because it allowed me to live my life to the fullest and be who I truly am. I may be too weird for love now. A lot of things I do my current situationship is actually into. 

You honestly don't sound like you've been living your life to the fullest. You sound like a person who wishes she could live her life more fully.

Also, if you've been dealing with the emotional fallout from toxic relationships and situationships, would you have the presence of mind to notice if Mr. Right was right in front of you? Would it occur to him to approach you if he got the sense that you were struggling with complex issues or unavailable to date?

On 9/17/2024 at 9:26 PM, hotpotato said:

I do have faults. I'm reserved I'm not super loud and talkative like other women, I'm more subtle. I've had guys say I don't talk a lot, and to be fair, a lot of women are extremely chatty. I had one say long ago that my charms are more subtle. If I went to a club, I'd easily be drowned up by much louder women. 

(...)

Nola dude has some weird things going on, like bringing his adult daughter to our dates. Then he would call me selfish for complaining, and he was still fawning over second ex wife.

My longest relationship was just plain bad. He was close to hitting me, and he had multiple addictions.

Undoubtedly, you have faults. We all do. But what you describe are not faults. They are perfectly normal tendencies and traits that plenty of people have. Someone who wants to date loud and talkative women obviously isn't right for you. You are incompatible. So you should dump him, not waste time dating him or sleeping with him. If you spend too much time with this kind of guy, he'll keep making negative statements about who you fundamentally are, and that will leave you feeling like there's something wrong with you and you must change your personality in order to be loved or treated right. If you subject yourself to regular doses of such treatment, you will lose your confidence. 

Nola dude should have been dumped immediately. Someone who brings his daughter along on a date and is still pining for his ex-wife needs to be attending therapy sessions, not going out on dates. 

You should have dumped the guy you had the longest relationship with. The abuse and addictions made for an unhealthy relationship. Staying with him must have done considerable damage to your self-esteem.

10 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I dont know if these guys are confused. They seem to know what they want, which is their exes. I guess it's hard for me to envision men who are 35 and up who aren't some degree pining over or mad about an ex. When I tried to date younger men, I didn't have that issue. 

Don't waste your energy dating men who want to be with their exes or feel vengeful towards them.

[hotpotato]

12 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's the impression I've gotten.   Very passive, and also not even engaged at all in deciding whether YOU like a guy or want to be with him.  You're just there ... you have sex if they want to ... and it's up to them whether they choose to go any further with you or just summarily dump you.  

A revolving door of guys who all might as well be the same person, and you don't make any efforts to distinguish between those who might be a good match for you and the rest of them.

I'm not just having sex with every guy I encounter just because he wants to. Saying guys come at me sexually  doesn't mean I'm having sex with them. It doesn't mean imnactually going along with it. 

Whoever is willing to end tge relationship has the control. It is up to them. I'm usually the one who wants to work things out. Honestly, I've never felt like what I want in dating mattered. 

[hotpotato]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree.  Your comment about how Mr Right hasn't arrived also speaks to passivity.  What had you been doing to help find Mr Right?

I quit actively dating about 8 years ago or so. I don't like dating apps, and I dont like clubbing, so my prospects naturally dry up. I go out, but most of what I enjoy people are doing with a significant other (movies, out to eat, etc). 

I feel like if I'm not married by 30, I'm not going to worry about. By 30 my right had plenty of time to come along, and back then I was at least using the apps. 

Current situationship was very happenstance. The last one was happenstance. I don't try to date anymore. 

I'm I don't anymore because it has allowed me to live my life instead of worrying about getting married. 

My nola ex is perplexed as to why I don't bother dating. Some guys think I'm gorgeous and sexy, but I don't bother with active dating anymore. I think if I were so great, he would not have dumped me. He told me that his friend said,"If I looked like hotpotato, I wouldn't stop dating."

Edited September 19 by hotpotato

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

My nola ex is perplexed as to why I don't bother dating. Some guys think I'm gorgeous and sexy, but I don't bother with active dating anymore. I think if I were so great, he would not have dumped me. He told me that his friend said,"If I looked like hotpotato, I wouldn't stop dating."

So you're sinking your own potential to find a good match just to spite some ex who dumped you?

You haven't grasped natural odds. We've ALL been dumped, and we all contend with the risks. Whenever two people don't fit together, they're in the majority, and it doesn't devalue either person. It's just a signal to keep weeding through the haystack. You haven't used Online Dating in years, but most people don't use apps to set up long boring dates anymore. They just grab a fast drink or coffee. Most don't match, so they move on to the next person they've scheduled that week. It's not 'rejection,' it's two equally valid people who seek different things in a partner. No big tragedy.

You are the only one who can decide to step up and do things differently, nobody else can do that for you. If you don't want to, then there you are.

[hotpotato]

On 9/18/2024 at 7:37 PM, Acacia98 said:

These issues you're referring to seem to be character traits or circumstances that make them lousy partners. So your compromise in those cases translates into a whole lot of wasted time and energy on your part and the sense that you're not worthy.

That's not accurate. If you dumped them, you wouldn't have long-term relationships with them. But you would be freer to notice, meet, and date other men.

You honestly don't sound like you've been living your life to the fullest. You sound like a person who wishes she could live her life more fully.

Also, if you've been dealing with the emotional fallout from toxic relationships and situationships, would you have the presence of mind to notice if Mr. Right was right in front of you? Would it occur to him to approach you if he got the sense that you were struggling with complex issues or unavailable to date?

Undoubtedly, you have faults. We all do. But what you describe are not faults. They are perfectly normal tendencies and traits that plenty of people have. Someone who wants to date loud and talkative women obviously isn't right for you. You are incompatible. So you should dump him, not waste time dating him or sleeping with him. If you spend too much time with this kind of guy, he'll keep making negative statements about who you fundamentally are, and that will leave you feeling like there's something wrong with you and you must change your personality in order to be loved or treated right. If you subject yourself to regular doses of such treatment, you will lose your confidence. 

Nola dude should have been dumped immediately. Someone who brings his daughter along on a date and is still pining for his ex-wife needs to be attending therapy sessions, not going out on dates. 

You should have dumped the guy you had the longest relationship with. The abuse and addictions made for an unhealthy relationship. Staying with him must have done considerable damage to your self-esteem.

Don't waste your energy dating men who want to be with their exes or feel vengeful towards them.

I would be freer, but that doesn't mean I would have anything long term. There were times I tried to date after relationships, and I never had anything long term after them. 

Not having a significant other doesn't mean someone isn't living life to the fullest. Ikontheres actually a lot of freedom in being single. It has allowed me to really lean into who I am. I think some people in this thread may have the impression that I sit at home sad all day. I'm good at finding new things to do and really good at filling my time. I've basically been dating myself. 

Mr Right has had 9 years to show up, and he didn't. Mr Right has actually had 20 years or so to show up. There was a time when I was really, really trying to date and very available, and he didn't show up. Now he's gonna show up with the divorces and kids from other relationships. 

I have men approaching me. I may give off vibes that I don't want to date, and I have rules when it comes to who I will entertain. I broke one of my rules with current guy partially because I already kind of knew him. Then we started talking and we had a lot in common. He's into many of the same things, but I never felt like he was interested in actually committing to me. 

Nola dude was boyfriend of the year aside from a few things. Too bad he had some weird issues. My longest relationship definitely wasn't a good one. 

[hotpotato]

On 9/19/2024 at 12:36 PM, Leihla_B said:

So you're sinking your own potential to find a good match just to spite some ex who dumped you?

You haven't grasped natural odds. We've ALL been dumped, and we all contend with the risks. Whenever two people don't fit together, they're in the majority, and it doesn't devalue either person. It's just a signal to keep weeding through the haystack. You haven't used Online Dating in years, but most people don't use apps to set up long boring dates anymore. They just grab a fast drink or coffee. Most don't match, so they move on to the next person they've scheduled that week. It's not 'rejection,' it's two equally valid people who seek different things in a partner. No big tragedy.

You are the only one who can decide to step up and do things differently, nobody else can do that for you. If you don't want to, then there you are.

It's not to spite anyone. I haven't had much of an urge to date. I have to be in the mood to really date, and it never came back. 

Since I started leaning more into who I am and what I like, I've become even more niche. The situationship guy happens to like many of the same things. Searching for a needle in the haystack is about right. I don't blame people for marrying high school or college sweethearts. 

I used the apps to go on coffee dates sometimes. I think if a date feels long and boring, that's already a problem. If you like them, it shouldn't feel tedious even if the date lasts all night. 

Dating feels like a job I don't get paid for, and it can become dangerous as well. My last two situationships just kind of happened. 

[Foxhall]

On 9/4/2024 at 6:30 AM, NuevoYorko said:

OP - your whole post has a tone of complete passivity.   It's like you see yourself as a passenger in your life, at least where romantic connections are concerned, and have no agency whatsoever regarding what goes on.  

Do you feel like this? 

I enjoyed this post and @ hot potatos subsequent answer,

 

hmmn its not easy out there it is,

 

a lack of confidence can hamper a person a lot,

take little pieces like this on board perhaps- good to be more decisive and less passive.

 

 

[Leihla_B]

10 hours ago, Foxhall said:

...good to be more decisive and less passive.

That's exactly the thing, isn't it? While it's far easier to keep replaying the same loop of blaming and bemoaning the behaviors of others as though we are at the mercy of their lousy judgment, it's far more beneficial to recognize our responsibility for screening OUT bad matches and setting higher standards for dating.

This is not rocket science. If we don't believe that we have any control over our own choices, then we will continually position ourselves for mistreatment, and we will never build the confidence to make better decisions.

[hotpotato]

On 9/24/2024 at 2:05 AM, Foxhall said:

I enjoyed this post and @ hot potatos subsequent answer,

 

hmmn its not easy out there it is,

 

a lack of confidence can hamper a person a lot,

take little pieces like this on board perhaps- good to be more decisive and less passive.

 

 

How do you recommend? If someone doesn't want you, there's not much that can be done. For most other things in life, I can work hard at and get it. I couldn't just walk up to someone and take them as your significant other. Dating is very subjective. If someone doesn't want you, they don't want you. If I could've made some guys want me and love me, I'd be married a long time ago. 

[hotpotato]

On 9/24/2024 at 12:56 PM, Leihla_B said:

That's exactly the thing, isn't it? While it's far easier to keep replaying the same loop of blaming and bemoaning the behaviors of others as though we are at the mercy of their lousy judgment, it's far more beneficial to recognize our responsibility for screening OUT bad matches and setting higher standards for dating.

This is not rocket science. If we don't believe that we have any control over our own choices, then we will continually position ourselves for mistreatment, and we will never build the confidence to make better decisions.

If I want to date someone, and they don't want to date me, I don't have any control. I really did go out there and try to date for a long while, and it was a battle. 

I dont think it was good for me living that way. Being away from dating scene allowed me to just myself and lean into things I really want to do. 

Confidence comes from having successes. 

Edited September 27 by hotpotato

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

...Being away from dating scene allowed me to just myself and lean into things I really want to do. 

Confidence comes from having successes. 

That's wonderful, and I agree. You can jump off or onto the dating merry-go-round whenever you want. That's confidence. You can always return to dating with the same standards, confident that whenever you need a rest, you can take one instead of settling for scraps or putting up with someone who remains involved with his ex.

I think when you're happy enough being single, it creates confidence in your soft place to land as opposed to an urgency to accept less from others than the relationship you'd prefer.

[Foxhall]

On 9/27/2024 at 12:25 PM, hotpotato said:

How do you recommend?

Ive not offered a recommendation based on my own dating failures- how could I have lost those chances or one chance in particular etc,

I dont know perhaps that it is ok to be still finding oneself and that the best may yet be ahead is the hope we have to hang onto.

regretting too much can also break the spirit- ii s good to regret in the sense of learning but there is a point also where we have to look to the future.

 

Edited October 3 by Foxhall

[hotpotato]

On 9/27/2024 at 10:32 AM, Leihla_B said:

That's wonderful, and I agree. You can jump off or onto the dating merry-go-round whenever you want. That's confidence. You can always return to dating with the same standards, confident that whenever you need a rest, you can take one instead of settling for scraps or putting up with someone who remains involved with his ex.

I think when you're happy enough being single, it creates confidence in your soft place to land as opposed to an urgency to accept less from others than the relationship you'd prefer.

I am fine with being single. I haven't had anything serious in about 9 years. 

I do really like situationship guy, I just understand it won't go anywhere. I've never had a relationship go anywhere aside from maybe a few months of dating, or a few years if the guy was very abusive. 

I could maybe find someone if I went on 300 dates, but that's a lot of work. As I become more and more who I really am, I'm becoming more and more niche. Situationship guy hasn't run and is quite fascinated with me. Maybe he's just not romantically crazy about me. It's better than most of what I get in the dating world. 

I, honestly, haven't had a lot of love in my life. Maybe love isn't for everyone. 

Edited October 6 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

On 9/15/2024 at 3:40 AM, Gebidozo said:

 

And what is wrong with that, exactly? The more I am in love with a woman, the quicker I want to have sex with her. Why would you be offended by that?
 

 

I thought about this. What's missing is the context. If it's a significant other trying to have sex with me, that's one thing. Otherwise he needs to show me that he really likes me as a person, for me sex doesn't count. A woman can be whats conventionalky considered ubattractive, and men will line up to have sex with her. Many men have very low standards for a sexual partner, and it's unwise for a woman to assume a man likes her because he will have sex with her. 

If a he's doing is trying to have sex, I have to judge him by that. If a man doesn't want me to think that, he needs to show me effort-dates and generally getting to know me as a person. 

Maybe it's different on the other side, as in a woman is more likely to actually want to date a man she's trying to have sex with.