Needing some insight

[silentpen]

Recently, a college friend (25F) of mine (28M) visited me after years of not seeing each other. However, prior to her trip in town, we had a huge last minute fight that almost resulted in the whole plan falling through. At the time, I had no interest in resolving the situation, figuring it was best we call off the meeting. But her persistence eventually won and we ended up proceeding with our plans. Her apology letter and her determination to see me made me soften my stance. There was awkwardness the first night we met, but we worked our way out of it, talking/reminiscing about the past while catching up with the present, just like old times. But now that she left town after almost a week of us catching up, I find myself a little confused about where we stand. We’re definitely still friends, but a few things from this trip raised some questions in my head.

Prior to her arriving, she had told me the city I live in is her dream city, so naturally I assumed there were places she wanted to visit. Yet, for the duration of her visit, she had no concrete plans to go anywhere on her itinerary and never asked to go sightseeing. Not even a single restaurant. Looking back, we ended up spending most of her trip talking at home, mostly about romance. When asked, she replied that she just wanted to catch up with me more than anything. I respect that, but I just find it a little odd that someone would rather sit at home and talk on a trip rather than go sightseeing, especially after flying 15+ hours.

Since we were home most of the time, I figured it’d be fun might as well do a TikTok together. After recording and posting it, she expressed concerns about other people seeing and judging her, since a portion of my audience is our college friends. She sounded nervous about those friends making "assumptions" of her / spreading misinformation of us maybe being an item, which is understandable. I asked if I should delete it, she firmly said "no" but it was definitely weighing on her mind, to which she eventually came around to the idea.

The last incident that left me scratching my head was a talk we had. I had asked her if she wanted to maybe come back sometime and take a trip to [another city]. She hesitated before agreeing, which I assumed was her probably not wanting to send the wrong message to me in terms of being more than friends. Since I really enjoy her company, I told her to stop worrying about that, and that I have the same concerns, but  also that I am learning to be vulnerable and facing the fear of uncertainty/unpredictability even if something were to develop. I advised her to just go with the flow of life instead of denying or refusing whatever comes at her. She gave it some thought, and eventually said she’d be back in town soon, and that we don’t even have to go to that city, but she’d be more than happy to come back to my city again. Before dropping off at the airport, she and my parent met for dinner, and they hit it off really well, even going as far as to exchange numbers. But she’s been very quiet with me lately and I can’t help but feel as if I messed something up.

So now I’m a bit confused about where we stand. As stated, I’m open to remaining friends, and if something were to develop, I wouldn’t stop it either. I just don’t know what’s with all the hesitance and inaction on this trip of hers. One thing’s for sure. It seems that we both will not openly talk about whatever is between us, and neither of us is willing to make the first move for fear of rejection, even if there is anything there. Am I missing something here? Or am I just making something out of nothing?

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, silentpen said:

Prior to her arriving, she had told me the city I live in is her dream city, so naturally I assumed there were places she wanted to visit. Yet, for the duration of her visit, she had no concrete plans to go anywhere on her itinerary and never asked to go sightseeing. Not even a single restaurant.

I'm wondering if you tried to take the lead at any stage.  For example "I thought we could go to the marina for dinner on Saturday night" or "there is a great lookout and we can have lunch at X place after".   Did you not offer or did she refuse?    And I can understand her being uncomfortable with the TikTok - I'd rather die than be seen on social media haha.  But hey, she braved it out, so good on her.

Moving to the present, it doesn't sound like there's anything much going on with her with respect to feelings for you.   It sounds a bit like she sees you as a friend, but not a best friend, and probably not a love interest.  But perhaps she said something to give you hope and you didn't mention it here?

May I ask what you argued about so terribly before she came?  Did anybody call the other names or swear at the other?   I imagine it was something very important for the two of you to nearly end up in a situation of not speaking.

[silentpen]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering if you tried to take the lead at any stage.  For example "I thought we could go to the marina for dinner on Saturday night" or "there is a great lookout and we can have lunch at X place after".   Did you not offer or did she refuse?    And I can understand her being uncomfortable with the TikTok - I'd rather die than be seen on social media haha.  But hey, she braved it out, so good on her.

Moving to the present, it doesn't sound like there's anything much going on with her with respect to feelings for you.   It sounds a bit like she sees you as a friend, but not a best friend, and probably not a love interest.  But perhaps she said something to give you hope and you didn't mention it here?

May I ask what you argued about so terribly before she came?  Did anybody call the other names or swear at the other?   I imagine it was something very important for the two of you to nearly end up in a situation of not speaking.

I did, I offered to take her to various parts of my city, which she seemed to have enjoyed when I was able to drag her out of the house. Otherwise, she insisted on staying home for the most part.

As for her feelings towards me, just her saying she’ll be back “very soon” and that she needs to learn to let things happen naturally instead of controlling situations is what got me kinda confused. She also said her biggest fear in life is getting rejected, which I don’t know if that should mean anything.

And as for the argument, it was basically about her postponing her trip at the very last minute after I had taken my vacation from work and had confirmed various reservations for activities I had planned for us. It was mostly me venting, but she ended up apologizing and explaining her difficulties, which we were able to move past in the end.

[basil67]

I suspect that this girl is really pretty and her attractiveness is making you think with your little head.  Either that, or you're desperate.

Firstly, you've got major incompatibility about how you want to spend time: you like to be out and about, but you've got to drag her out of the house.  You'd get really bored and frustrated with this long term.  And then there's the whole thing about her over thinking relationships and worrying about not being able to deal with rejection.   

I believe that if you were dating, you'd be frustrated that she never wants to go out and do nice stuff.   And she'd do your head in with all the overthinking.  And lastly, there's the glaring issue of her not being at all enthusiastic about dating you.

Find yourself a sensible, stable woman who enjoys life like you do.  Someone who wants to have a fun life and who has her s*** together emotionally

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, silentpen said:

I’m a bit confused about where we stand.

Think about this in more practical terms: you clearly live really far apart if it took her a 15-hour flight to reach you. How realistic would it be to even try to make something happen here? 

Add in her hesitation and going around in circles and generally more closed-off stance, and what have you really got to work with? 

[semble]

You can't be serious.

You had a major blow out fight with her right before she was scheduled to fly 15 hours to meet up with you.

You had no interest in resolving anything, she had to go so far as to write an apology letter to placate you, and thankfully you "softened your stance" otherwise her trip would have been ruined.

You act like she was entirely to blame.

And you wonder why she's hesitant to do it again?

 

Edited September 4 by semble

[Sony12]

You should delete the TikTok video. You should not put people on social media with you unless they are completely comfortable with it. 

[ShyViolet]

Why would you even think there's potential for a relationship with someone who lives a 15 hour flight from you?  That makes no sense.

On top of that, it sounds like you and she do not have great chemistry and there is an awkwardness between you.  I'm not sure why you would think there's potential for anything romantic there.  Are you just desperate and grasping at straws here?

Date people who are in your local area.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me she gets anxious/has anxiety about committing to things. Over analyzes, over thinks. That would explain the back and forth behaviour.

[NuevoYorko]

I get no impression from your post that you're even very interested in her - and she's pretty much in the same boat as far as her feelings towards you.

Why are you even entertaining these thoughts of something developing?   Do you really think there's anything to work with?  

For the record I would say the same thing if she lived in the same town as you.  The15 hour plane flight makes it all the more strange that you're musing about this.

[FredEire]

I personally think you were justified in getting frustrated with her at trying to move the trip last minute if you'd already taken time off work and booked various things you would have taken a loss on. But the fact that she was willing to do that just to make her own life a bit easier doesn't suggest she has a huge amount of respect for you to me. If there was some strong romantic interest there I think she wouldn't have even considered doing that.

From what you said the general awkwardness and long chats about relationships suggests there might be some small level of attraction or that you've both at least entertained the idea, but as others have said you don't seem to be very compatible and live 15 hours apart, so is it really worth thinking about? It doesn't seem practical enough or that either of you are attracted enough to make something like that work.

[Els]

On 9/4/2024 at 4:13 PM, silentpen said:

However, prior to her trip in town, we had a huge last minute fight that almost resulted in the whole plan falling through. At the time, I had no interest in resolving the situation, figuring it was best we call off the meeting.

Looking back, we ended up spending most of her trip talking at home, mostly about romance. When asked, she replied that she just wanted to catch up with me more than anything. I respect that, but I just find it a little odd that someone would rather sit at home and talk on a trip rather than go sightseeing, especially after flying 15+ hours.

I had asked her if she wanted to maybe come back sometime and take a trip to [another city].

I just don’t know what’s with all the hesitance and inaction on this trip of hers.

HER inaction!?!?

Wow, are you really that dense? Dude, she already took plenty of "action". Specifically, flying for 15 hours to come and see YOU! Even after you acted like a selfish jerk by refusing to resolve an argument and asking her to "call off the meeting" after she had already spent all that time and money on a flight ticket! And after all of that, you asked her to fly for 15 hours again, to come and see YOU again and take a trip to a city near YOU? Just.... wow. I have no words.

She was interested in you. Nobody takes a 15 hour flight (and PAYS for a 15 hour flight, which isn't cheap!) to spend all that time in the home of a person whom they want to be "just friends" with. She was clearly hoping that something could develop between the two of you in private. She could probably have been more outspoken about that interest, but she already took 100% more "action" than you did. You literally just sat at home, waited for her to come to you, didn't broach the topic of taking things further (if you were even interested?), then asked her to fly to see YOU again next time.

She's gone quiet because she's probably realized she can do better than this. A lot better. Things are probably done between the two of you, but I think some self-reflection would do you good.

 

Edited September 5 by Els