Am I too old to want to be married?

[Sheba]

I am 41, my partner is 55. We live together, and have been together for 9 years. I have been married once before, he has been married 3 times. Early in our relationship, he said he would "love to be married to me". I mulled over that idea for months, fretting about the foolishness of being the FOURTH wife. Eventually, the topic arose between us again and he said he would NOT get married again, to me or anyone. I guess his early comment about marriage was "sweet talk".

 

Well.

 

Since then, I have tried to overcome my strong wish for the symbolic and social commitment of marriage, to no avail. Rather than becoming more comfortable, I have become resentful. He is well aware of my wish to be married. He tries to convince me that marriage means nothing to him - but I know that he admires the long marriages of others, and of course this makes little sense coming from a man three times married.

 

I do love him and think that he loves me. I have been a good and devoted partner to him. I feel the need to be married very keenly for a long list of reasons, however, and don't think I will ever stop feeling this way. My feelings have become VERY intensified of late, because his eldest son just got engaged.

 

I would never give him an ultimatum - however there IS one. I have "almost" had it and am ready to end the relationship because it appears to me we will never marry and it has become clear to me that I will never feel "ok" about being unmarried.

 

Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

[Shana]

I know a YOUNG women of 76 years old that just got married so to answer your first question.... absolutly not, your not too old to get married. You're a younging!!!

 

Do what your heart tells you to do. If you long for marriage, then find it. You should be happy and with your S/O not wanting what you want it will only put future strain on your relationship and who wants that? Life is too short!

 

Good luck to you!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

What would it change?

[Sheba]

I would feel more valued and secure. It is the very public nature of the marriage commitment that is one important aspect, for me. To me, silly though it may sound to some, so long as we remain unmarried it is like saying to the world "well, we really haven't decided yet". Or, more honestly, "ONE of us has not decided yet".

 

I would feel the relationship was clarified for the benefit of others who are interacting with us - our kids, our relatives, our peers (as we are "older", this DOES make a difference, I hear a lot of "joking" comments about being shacked up, etc... from our peers, surprisingly enough).

 

There are a few legal issues of some concern, including the matter of "who is next of kin" when it comes to health care issues and the like.

 

I thought it was quite telling that one of the men who answered another "why won't he marry me" thread said that there was no difference between a commitment and a marriage and then remarked that marriages were more difficult to extricate oneself from. He is quite right, and that is perhaps another point - if you are REALLY committed you are not contemplating the difficulty of ending the relationship, are you???

[Sheba]

I ask that question in part because it is an observation that my partner has made - that getting married is something young people do. I find this comment a little "motivated" - after all, I have no silly notion of a big or any wedding - it is the MARRIAGE, not the party, that I am concerned with.

[Walk]

I would actually think it more important to get married being older. (I don't think 41 is old either.) For several of the reasons you mentioned in your post. Next of kin, wills, health care, social security benefits, etc.

 

Not to mention the social ramifications, like you were saying. Most people accept younger adults living together without marrying, but I don't think society readily accepts older adults living together without moving toward marriage.

 

So what's hanging him up? Does he feel he's doomed to repeat past mistakes, and if he doesn't get married again then he won't repeat them?

 

When you talk to him about marriage, have you told him this is something important to you? Have you explained your feelings on the subject? Do you know what your reasons are for wanting to get married, and do you feel you can express those to him?

 

He definitely has a reason to mistrust marriages. And even though he may have respect for marriages that have made it, it doesn't mean he understands the basic components of how to make it work. One divorce for me was enough to shy me away from the subject completely. And I made the same statement to my current bf, that I would NEVER get married again. However, views change over time. No one is stagnant. If you're talking about marriage to him while he's stressing about his sons marriage, you may get a negative response. Or if there are some problems in your relationship at the time, or any other stressors in his life.

 

Broach the subject in a way that isn't going to leave him feeling as if there's an ultimatum. You can express your feelings and opinons without requiring him to feel the same, or implying that he should. Optimally, you'd have an open discussion on the pro's and con's of marriage, with shared dialogue between the two of you. Maybe hypothetical discussion of marriage as an overall topic, not specifically marriage to you.

 

You've probably already talked to him about this, but if not, its better to address this now, rather then waiting another 3 years to find out that your desires are not going to be fulfilled.

[circusfood]

Men can get set in their ways and kinda have that

"if it ain't broke, Why fix it?"

 

Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Tim Robbins

and Susan Sarandon...

 

If things are good in the relationship, i wouldn't push the

subject, because maybe the guy is just a little gun shy to

make the big plunge since he's already been married several

times and well, they obviously didn't work out.

 

If marriage is SUPER important to you and he's not into marriage,

then i guess you'll have to just find someone else...It has to

be mutual.

[lindya]

I would never give him an ultimatum - however there IS one. I have "almost" had it and am ready to end the relationship because it appears to me we will never marry and it has become clear to me that I will never feel "ok" about being unmarried.

 

It sounds as though you know yourself pretty well. If you can't really be happy in a long term relationship that has no prospect of ending in marriage (and those are perfectly valid and understandable feelings) then ending the relationship seems like the most sensible option. I sympathise with your wish not to serve up an ultimatum. It's an ugly thing to have to do, and it rarely seems to work anyway.

 

If he's been married three times before, then that suggests he many not be the easiest person to have a relationship with...so the fact that you've continued a successful relationship with him for 9 years surely reflects very well on your relating abilities. Think how much they'll be appreciated when you meet someone who actually wants the same things that you want.

[Sheba]

Walk, he is well aware of how I feel. There could be no doubt in his mind, as I have been very specific, though I am sure he does not think it is a "deal breaker". I too understand why he is gun shy, of course, as you and circusfood pointed out. Who wouldn't be, in his shoes? I assume that he went into each of those marriages believing it was "forever".

 

Lindya, your remarks are appreciated. I so often second guess my feelings! I am giving up something important to me, and I find myself feeling resentful, for example, at the news of his son's engagement. I am so wrapped up in my regret about this situation I can't even be glad for the young couple!

 

I agree, there seems to be no way for me but out, as I have been unable to overcome my desire to be married. I thought "time" would make me feel differently, but I think things are worse, not easier.