I really need all the advice here.

[Eddie]

I'm 27 and my gf is 19. we been seeing each other for 7 months now. i really love her and she told me she loves me very much and can't live without me. somehow, i felt that it's true but i'm confused about her behavior.

 

she grew up in a broken family. her dad had a wife and 4 mistresses. her mother was the 2nd. all 4 of her stepmoms are in good terms with her father except her mom. her father even set up a business for each of her stepmom except her mom. her father only gives a little money just enough for them but her father pays for her tuition and other stuff. her mom is in good terms with her 4 stepmoms.

 

i asked her the reason why only her mom is not in good terms with her dad and she told me that her mom was upset bcoz her dad was not faithful and went to look for other woman.

 

her father is very conservative that he arranged my gf to marry someone else but my gf don't like him and she has to face the guy but doesn't talk to him. her stepmom was the one entertaining the guy. she has to face the guy whether she likes it or not bcoz she still needs his dad's support. my girlfriend told me that i'm the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with and she'll run away with me when the wedding is getting closer.

 

my gf lives with her mom since she was 3 in a small house and they are very close. her mom always gives her what she wants but for me the way my gf is treating her mom was disrespectful. her mom doesn't seem to mind at all. she likes to ask her mom to do something for her all the time, like if she's talking on the phone with me, she'll ask her mom to change channel and adjust the volume of the tv or radio. she even ask her mom to get water for her. she even ask her mom to scrub her back when she's taking a bath and she even ask her mom to put on her bra coz she can't reach the lock at the back. sometimes when she ask her mom to buy something for her and it turns out to be the wrong item, she gets upset and raise her voice while complaining to her mom. if she ask her mom to do something or to get something and it's taking time she'll ask her mom in a disrespectful tone to hurry up. she even ask her mom to pluck the hair on her armpit. in short, it's like she's treating her mom like her maid.

 

aside from her disrespectful manners towards her mom, she's also extravagant. she doesn't seem to know how to be a little trifty knowing that her dad only gave them a small amount each week. sometimes if a certain food is not delicous for her she'll just leave it and her mom is the one who's finishing it. sometimes if she can't finish what she's eating she'll just leave it and let her mom finish it. sometimes when she's talking to me on the phone and it's dinner time but she insists on talking to me, her mom will voluntarily feed her while she's on the phone. she told me her mom did it voluntarily.

 

I then asked my gf why she's doing that to her mom and if she ever thought to herself to do the things she's supposed to do by herself already especially she's 19 already. she just told me that, that's how close she and her mom are and that her mom don't mind coz her mom loves her. she told me that she thought of doing it by herself but she's already used to such pampering and besides everytime she tries to do something by herself, her mom would do it for her so she just lets it be. she really overpowers her mom and besides she's somehow lazy.

 

i must admit that it came to my mind that if she can treat her mom like that, maybe she could treat me the same especially if we are already living together. right now, she hasn't treat me like that yet, but she keeps asking me to do all if not, most of her homeworks whenever we see each other during the weekends. well, somehow i don't mind bcoz i treat it as helping her bcoz she got many homeworks and she doesn't have enough sleep during schooldays but lately it bothers me whenever i thought of her behavior towards her mom.

 

by the way, all her friends even super close friends doesn't know that the woman she's living with all her life was her mother. she keeps telling them that the woman is her aunt. i didn't know it too, until we have a mutual understanding before having a relationship. when i asked her why, she told me that it is her mom's idea not to let people know that she's her mom bcoz it's embarrasing that people will know she's from a broken family so she just tells everyone that her mom is in the states. although, it's quite reasonable that it might be her mom's idea, it can also be my gf's idea. bcoz my gf is a very shy person, she's even shy to tell her friends in school that she's 19 coz most of them is 17. she's also shy to let her friends in school know that i'm 27 and she even turns off the light when we're making love bcoz she's shy if i look at her vagina.

 

My gf has a quick temper and gets angry and irritated so easily that sometimes she gets involve in small word war with strangers. she's also full of pride.

 

now, my questions are:

 

1.) is her behavior towards her mom acceptable? isn't it it's disrespectful?

 

2.) why does her mom just lets it be, is it bcoz she wants to treat her daughter like that, so my gf won't feel bad having a broken family? or she just loves her?

 

3.) is the behavior of my gf normal? will it have any negative effect on our relationship? if yes, in what way and how?

 

4.) is it normal or acceptable as a help for her asking me to do most if not all of her homework?

 

5.) am i unreasonable for thinking negative stuff about her asking me for help in her homework?

 

6.) does her age got anything to do with her behavior? is there a big chance that she'll treat me the same?

 

pardon the long message, i just feel that i should give as much details as possible because i'm really confused. in fact, i kept thinking that if she's going to treat me like that, especially when we're living together already, it will be hell and we would end up parting ways.

 

I hope you could give me some advice regarding the matter and could give me more insights. Thank you very much.

[Tony T]

1.) is her behavior towards her mom acceptable?

 

Very unacceptable. But her mother puts up with it and has taught her that it's acceptable.

 

isn't it it's disrespectful?

 

Extremely so. This girl does not know the meaning of respect.

 

2.) why does her mom just lets it be, is it bcoz she wants to treat her daughter like that, so my gf won't feel bad having a broken family?

 

Her mother has extremely low self esteem and, more than that, is incompetent as a mother. She has NO IDEA how to raise children.

 

or she just loves her?

 

No, if she loved her she would have taught her to have respect for her parents and would have taught her to do things for herself. This has nothing to do with love at all. A loving parent prepares a son or daughter for the real world. Your girl is living in a fantasy.

 

3.) is the behavior of my gf normal?

 

No. It's highly dysfunctional. If you stay with this girl, you will be miserable all the days of your life and into the afterlife as well.

 

will it have any negative effect on our relationship?

 

Negative is putting it nicely. Her behavior will have a FATAL effect on any relationship she gets into. She is one of the most screwed up chicks I've ever heard of.

 

if yes, in what way and how?

 

Give me a break. If you can't figure that out, you are more messed up than she is. See 6b below for details on what you may be in for.

 

4.) is it normal or acceptable as a help for her asking me to do most if not all of her homework?

 

No it's not normal or acceptable. The purpose of homework is to assist in the educational process. It's HER homework. It's material that SHE is supposed to learn. You helping her is doing her NO good at all.

 

But you are treating her just like her mother. Getting sucked into this whole deal of doing everything for her. You are a sucker and it's only going to get worse unless you wise up and move on.

 

You are NOT helping her by doing her homework. You are robbing her of knowledge and reinforcing her idea that everybody is her servant and everybody has to kiss her butt. You are showing her you are not a man at all.

 

5.) am i unreasonable for thinking negative stuff about her asking me for help in her homework?

 

No, it's actually one of the smarter things you've done here. Not only do you need to stop doing her homework for her, you need to stop seeing her and find yourself a girl who is a lot more functional. This one doesn't even come close to being normal.

 

6.) does her age got anything to do with her behavior?

 

No way. It's the fault of the way she was raised and a mother who just has no idea of what's going on. My guess is that when your girlfriend was younger, she put up incredible anger tantrums and the only way her mother could get her to shut up was to give in to her. What a girl you have here!!! YUK...I want to throw up.

 

is there a big chance that she'll treat me the same?

 

She's already started, bub. She's got you doing her homework. If you marry her, mom will be out of the picture so you'll have to scratch her personal parts, comb her hair for her, rub her back for her, put on her shoes for her, brush her teeth for her, floss for her, wipe her butt after she goes to the bathroom, feed her while she talks to people on the phone, run errands for her, read her bedtime stories, wake her up, scrub her in the shower, etc. etc.

 

Wow, what a lady you'll have. She's your dream girl. You have a great life to look forward to.

[Artlover]

This is too scary for words. Run RUn RUN!!!!!!!!

I'm 27 and my gf is 19. we been seeing each other for 7 months now. i really love her and she told me she loves me very much and can't live without me. somehow, i felt that it's true but i'm confused about her behavior. she grew up in a broken family. her dad had a wife and 4 mistresses. her mother was the 2nd. all 4 of her stepmoms are in good terms with her father except her mom. her father even set up a business for each of her stepmom except her mom. her father only gives a little money just enough for them but her father pays for her tuition and other stuff. her mom is in good terms with her 4 stepmoms. i asked her the reason why only her mom is not in good terms with her dad and she told me that her mom was upset bcoz her dad was not faithful and went to look for other woman. her father is very conservative that he arranged my gf to marry someone else but my gf don't like him and she has to face the guy but doesn't talk to him. her stepmom was the one entertaining the guy. she has to face the guy whether she likes it or not bcoz she still needs his dad's support. my girlfriend told me that i'm the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with and she'll run away with me when the wedding is getting closer.

 

my gf lives with her mom since she was 3 in a small house and they are very close. her mom always gives her what she wants but for me the way my gf is treating her mom was disrespectful. her mom doesn't seem to mind at all. she likes to ask her mom to do something for her all the time, like if she's talking on the phone with me, she'll ask her mom to change channel and adjust the volume of the tv or radio. she even ask her mom to get water for her. she even ask her mom to scrub her back when she's taking a bath and she even ask her mom to put on her bra coz she can't reach the lock at the back. sometimes when she ask her mom to buy something for her and it turns out to be the wrong item, she gets upset and raise her voice while complaining to her mom. if she ask her mom to do something or to get something and it's taking time she'll ask her mom in a disrespectful tone to hurry up. she even ask her mom to pluck the hair on her armpit. in short, it's like she's treating her mom like her maid. aside from her disrespectful manners towards her mom, she's also extravagant. she doesn't seem to know how to be a little trifty knowing that her dad only gave them a small amount each week. sometimes if a certain food is not delicous for her she'll just leave it and her mom is the one who's finishing it. sometimes if she can't finish what she's eating she'll just leave it and let her mom finish it. sometimes when she's talking to me on the phone and it's dinner time but she insists on talking to me, her mom will voluntarily feed her while she's on the phone. she told me her mom did it voluntarily. I then asked my gf why she's doing that to her mom and if she ever thought to herself to do the things she's supposed to do by herself already especially she's 19 already. she just told me that, that's how close she and her mom are and that her mom don't mind coz her mom loves her. she told me that she thought of doing it by herself but she's already used to such pampering and besides everytime she tries to do something by herself, her mom would do it for her so she just lets it be. she really overpowers her mom and besides she's somehow lazy. i must admit that it came to my mind that if she can treat her mom like that, maybe she could treat me the same especially if we are already living together. right now, she hasn't treat me like that yet, but she keeps asking me to do all if not, most of her homeworks whenever we see each other during the weekends. well, somehow i don't mind bcoz i treat it as helping her bcoz she got many homeworks and she doesn't have enough sleep during schooldays but lately it bothers me whenever i thought of her behavior towards her mom. by the way, all her friends even super close friends doesn't know that the woman she's living with all her life was her mother. she keeps telling them that the woman is her aunt. i didn't know it too, until we have a mutual understanding before having a relationship. when i asked her why, she told me that it is her mom's idea not to let people know that she's her mom bcoz it's embarrasing that people will know she's from a broken family so she just tells everyone that her mom is in the states. although, it's quite reasonable that it might be her mom's idea, it can also be my gf's idea. bcoz my gf is a very shy person, she's even shy to tell her friends in school that she's 19 coz most of them is 17. she's also shy to let her friends in school know that i'm 27 and she even turns off the light when we're making love bcoz she's shy if i look at her vagina. My gf has a quick temper and gets angry and irritated so easily that sometimes she gets involve in small word war with strangers. she's also full of pride. now, my questions are: 1.) is her behavior towards her mom acceptable? isn't it it's disrespectful? 2.) why does her mom just lets it be, is it bcoz she wants to treat her daughter like that, so my gf won't feel bad having a broken family? or she just loves her? 3.) is the behavior of my gf normal? will it have any negative effect on our relationship? if yes, in what way and how? 4.) is it normal or acceptable as a help for her asking me to do most if not all of her homework? 5.) am i unreasonable for thinking negative stuff about her asking me for help in her homework?

 

6.) does her age got anything to do with her behavior? is there a big chance that she'll treat me the same? pardon the long message, i just feel that i should give as much details as possible because i'm really confused. in fact, i kept thinking that if she's going to treat me like that, especially when we're living together already, it will be hell and we would end up parting ways. I hope you could give me some advice regarding the matter and could give me more insights. Thank you very much.

[midori]

It sounds like you and your girlfriend are not living in mainstream American society, in fact you mentioned that your gf tells people that her real mother lives in "the states" so perhaps you are in another country? If that's the case there might well be different cultural norms where you are and some of the behaviors you describe might be perfectly normal where you are but will sound bizarre to the average American. I address your questions with that in mind:

1.) is her behavior towards her mom acceptable? isn't it it's disrespectful?

I certainly think your girlfriend sounds terribly spoiled and is appallingly disrespectful to her mother. Do other girls you know interact that way with their mothers? It's hard for me to judge. I would never ever dream of treating my own mother this way, not even when I was a bratty teenager.

2.) why does her mom just lets it be, is it bcoz she wants to treat her daughter like that, so my gf won't feel bad having a broken family? or she just loves her?

It's hard to say. Some parents believe that showering their children with affection and unconditional approval without discipline or any expectation of responsibility is the best way to demonstrate their love. You say the father is a "conservative" man, but in American society a man with a wife and four mistresses would not be viewed as such. Would you say that a family situation like your girlfriend's is usually considered shameful where you live? Regardless, it's obvious that your gf's mother has problems with the situation so you may well be right in guessing that she tries to compensate for it by over-indulging her daughter. Whatever the mother's reasons are, it doesn't sound like she has a healthy relationship with her daughter -- at least it would not be considered healthy in modern American society. And it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with it.

3.) is the behavior of my gf normal? will it have any negative effect on our relationship? if yes, in what way and how?

You know better than anyone here can as to whether or not your gf's behavior is normal in your society. But she seems to lack any sense of responsibility for herself, expecting others to take care of her and provide for her. Right now it's primarily her mother who is taking care of her (with you helping on the homework front). But if you were to marry her do you think it likely that your gf would suddenly be able to put on her own bras, scrub her own back, eat the food on her plate and handle her money responsibly?

4.) is it normal or acceptable as a help for her asking me to do most if not all of her homework?

 

&

5.) am i unreasonable for thinking negative stuff about her asking me for help in her homework?

How exactly does she benefit from you doing her homework for her? I doubt that she is so incredibly smart that she knows the material without doing the related homework. So she's basically saying that she doesn't care to know the material. Is that because she doesn't intend to build a career for herself when she's done with school? Is she assuming that someone else will provide the money she'll need to live (her father, her future husband)? I'd say you're not doing her a favor, you're just encouraging her to limit her options in life. If she shortchanges herself when it comes to her education, what choice will she have but to marry -- and maybe she'll have no choice but to marry the man her father has picked.

6.) does her age got anything to do with her behavior? is there a big chance that she'll treat me the same?

Who can say? But I think it's almost always a mistake to believe that people can and will make enormous changes in character and habit. Especially when they can get away with remaining as they are.

[Miss Mojo]

hi eddie,

 

it goes without saying that this situation is extremely dysfunctional.

 

if it were me, i would be out of there quicker than you could say, "pluck my armpits".

 

she doesn't seem to have the qualities that are necessary for a stable, secure relationship. you're right...if she can treat her mother with such disrespect, there's a 9 out of 10 chance she will always treat those close to her like that.

 

this situation is bizarre....i'm lost for words.

 

good luck

[Tony T]

My mama always had a simple way of puttin' things. She said life is like a box of chocolates...eat too much and you get constipated.

 

I never did her my mama say pluck my armpits but she sure did say if a wuhman ever did act real crazy-like I should just leave and go out in my boat and net for Bubba Gump Swimps.

[vicki]

This is too scary for words. Run RUn RUN!!!!!!!!

If I where you I would be totally honest with your girlfriend and say what you feel, that many mother and daughters have close relationship but if you truly loved and respected yr mother you would not want to put your mum out ALL the time, nor complain or not appreciate her when she obviously loves and cares for her. Though perhaps the insecure and maybe unstable family foundation makes both mother dote on her daughter and the daughter need it all the more.

 

If you say that you feel that this is unhealthy and uncaring to ur g.friend to "use" her mother in this way. As she will need to both enjoy and practice her freedom and own independence as a young woman soon. Their relationship will change as she becomes a woman as yours may do too.

 

Be firm about her homework as it is for her development not yours.

 

I feel sure she will grow out of it and perhaps it is both their way of coping with being on their own in a very insecure family, unit, perhaps her mother really needs to feel wanted and loved.

 

hope it helps

 

luv Vicki (uk)

[vicki]

If I where you I would be totally honest with your girlfriend and say what you feel, that many mother and daughters have close relationship but if you truly loved and respected yr mother you would not want to put your mum out ALL the time, nor complain or not appreciate her when she obviously loves and cares for her. Though perhaps the insecure and maybe unstable family foundation makes both mother dote on her daughter and the daughter need it all the more. If you say that you feel that this is unhealthy and uncaring to ur g.friend to "use" her mother in this way. As she will need to both enjoy and practice her freedom and own independence as a young woman soon. Their relationship will change as she becomes a woman as yours may do too. Be firm about her homework as it is for her development not yours. I feel sure she will grow out of it and perhaps it is both their way of coping with being on their own in a very insecure family, unit, perhaps her mother really needs to feel wanted and loved.

 

hope it helps luv Vicki (uk)

Ps I forgot to say that perhaps you could say that you do not want to replace or play the mother /father role for her as u want her to be able to stand on her own two feet in life.

 

Vicsx