Financial Fidelity Horror Story

[JJ74]

 

So, I'm basically on the brink of a divorce. Let me explain the horror story I have lived the past 6 years. It's long - but I know other survivors of Financial Ghost Stories will appreciate it.

 

Household income in 2017 and prior: Approx $95,000

Household income when this began in 2018: $135,000

Bank balance: $12,000

Household income in 2021: $175,000

2018 - We have all debt paid off. Begin saving for a new home. She says she's on board and that we're paying off all our cards every month.

Feb 2019: I discover our credit card has $30,000 in debt! (I'm outraged, and literally break out in a rash due to the stress caused to my autoimmune system. My descent into hell has just begun.)

Wife swears up and down this will never happen again.

August 2020: Discover another credit card with debt of $35,000. (I was watching closely, but she took this card out in her own name, and was taking the money out of her paycheck before the statement posts to hide it. My brain pops.

March 2021: After finally allowing me the password to the credit card accounts, I notice one of the cards, the password isn't working anymore. After gently bugging her for a couple weeks for the password, I get it. $10,000 (for Lady Gaga concert suite tickets she was going to "resell and make money on"...WHAT??!

I continue to find several thousand additional dollars missing here and there. She used her debt consolidation credit card to charge more items! 

So, we're looking at a grand total here of at LEAST $75,000. That's not counting the various additional amounts of money that were spent paying the cards balances down. These figures I posted were just the balances at the time of discovery! I think this has cost us upwards of $100,000 when you calculate the interest fees and various payments made along the way.

I am sorry...I love our little life we have here. Been with this woman for 19 years total. But this has f*cked my skull so hard, that I have been in emotional disassociation from this, unable to even grasp and grieve because my brain is literally unable to actually grasp this has even happened.

I told her recently I want a divorce. My mind still has not wrapped around this reality, but I DO know I'm pretty p#ssed. Sadly, her alligator tears start flowing. I think of the kid. My heart is wrenched. I dunno, everyone....I think I'm past my limit here. This has wrecked my life. It's absolutely inconceivable to me that this is my reality. But I am "opening my eyes" to this pain and starting to process it. Think I'm gonna have to cut this horse free. It's a shame. Life destroyed....all the work in my career. Not sure what it was even worth now.

I don't think I can let her get away with this.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

She may have an addiction / compulsion to do this.   It's not an excuse, but it's also not exactly her "getting away" with anything.  

Have you discussed the option of her getting help in order to save the marriage?   You would need to be involved.  

On the other hand, if you're done you're done.

[S2B]

When you decide to file - print out all the debt on that date she has created.

any further debt she creates will be only her responsibility.

she has disrespected you and your wishes and your goals together. Purposely ruining the union - she’s lied by keeping info from you.

that’s not a partner. That’s a person working against you.

if you want to remain friends after divorcing her - fine - just don’t continue to put your future at risk. 

 

[Els]

Umm, okay, so... I wouldn't go so far as to call this "infidelity". But she clearly has a problem - probably an addiction, and she doesn't seem to be willing to work on this. Is she at all willing to see a marriage counselor and an individual therapist (who could give her a referral if addiction is diagnosed)? Or does she think that she did nothing wrong?

You can choose to leave - that's a valid choice. Don't do it out of revenge (your own words: not letting her get away with it), though. Separating will cost you just as much as it will her, so you need to be sure that you are doing this for your own future and your own good, not just to "get back at her".

Edited September 5 by Els

[MsJayne]

Wow, this would make me homicidal. People who can't stop spending on credit are a special variety of stupid, and "spending addiction" is no excuse. I think you're doing the right thing divorcing her, before you end up in the bankruptcy court. The stupidity alone would make me embarrassed to be married to her. Hurry up and serve her with divorce papers, you'll still get saddled with the current debt but you need to take action immediately. She's lied by omission, she's basically been stealing from you and jeopardising your whole future. Not a good person to be tied to. She bought Lady Gaga tickets with the intention of reselling them for profit? What a low-life moron! 

[Leihla_B]

I'm not clear why the two of you have never created a budget to follow as you both pay the bills together each month. Even after you discovered the first debt, you still never insisted on doing this while taking a full financial inventory together?

I'd skip the threats and get myself to an attorney for legal advice. The threats just prepare her to hide more stuff from you, which may require more expensive legal action to uncover. Go get advice quietly.

[Gaeta]

She bought $75,000 of junk in the past 4 years and you didn't realize it along the way? You did not notice the designer bags and shoes, the expensive skin care products,  the clothes?  I mean what could she buy with those credit cards other than retail products that would end up home.

Also after you discovered the 1st 30k credit card balance why did you not implement some credit alarms. If anyone tries to get credit with my name equifax alarms me. After discovering that 30k you could have registered both your names to a credit monitoring company with all alarms going to you. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You can also put a credit freeze so that to open credit requires you to unfreeze for a particular creditor, for a set period of time (usually 2-3 days), by contacting all the credit bureaus. I have a credit freeze due to ongoing fraud and finding out cards were attempted to be opened in my name. Fortunately all the fraud attempts failed and no impact on me even before the freeze.

I’d be heading to the lawyers also in your position. Get a credit freeze set up on Monday….call all three credit bureaus. Sorry you are having to deal with this, it’s unconscionable to me that a spouse would do this. 

 

 

[Nellea]

You both need help from a professional psychologist.  She has an addiction problem. She actually has some serious issues, so this isn’t something she can stop on command.
 

You, on the other hand are very emotionally attached to money. Not everyone is. Perhaps most people are to a degree. Your degree of attachment seems a little bit higher. It could be due to past experiences, like maybe growing up not having financial stability or something along those lines - that has had an impact on you.
 

It’s completely legitimate that you are upset about this, but the extent of the reaction and how much it is emotionally affecting you is a bit over the top. There are people out there who even spend 75k on a wedding, as frugal as it may sound. But we’re all different. 

I think you both need an intermediary … someone who understands your side and her side and who can explain each perspective to the other person. 

Filing for divorce….. do you love her? I think that’s the main question. Things can get hard in life for many many reasons…. some people can end up bankrupt and living under a bench. I know a family whose entire house was demolished during an earthquake and they lived in govt housing for 2 years. It’s up to you whether what’s happening now is grounds for divorce… or whether it’s something you can overcome as a couple. 

[S2B]

If you don’t start taking action now to protect yourself - you’ll be even MIRE sorry!

every day you don’t file for divorce you will have to pay half of what she continues to spend behind your back.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

every day you don’t file for divorce you will have to pay half of what she continues to spend behind your back.

Actually even married we don't have to pay our spouse credit card debts BUT if our spouse does not pay their debts and it goes in collection/court then both spouses assets can be seized.

[S2B]

Where I am each spouse holds 50% of any debt unless otherwise agreed upon.

JJ74 what are you doing to change the situation now?

Edited September 8 by S2B

[tzorno]

Let's slow the roll on just hurrying up for a divorce.  Do you love her?  Is money the most important thing to you?  She has an addiction.  It's not that she's purposely trying to hurt you.  She can't help herself.  It's money, not infedelity.  Yes, she lied to you, but it's the only way she could feed her addiction.  She knew no other way.  

Divorce is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and isn't the answer for everything although in today's society it sure seem's like it.  You are understandibly hurt, but do you love her enough to try and work through this?  If the money is more important to you, then you have your answer.