Does she love me or am I just a 'himbo'

[TrainerMike]

So like, I'm feeling sort of insecure lately.  Here's the setup-

My fiance and I live together for the last year.  We are really really different people.  I'm an instructor at local gym.  I never graduated high school.  She's a doctor at a hospital - pediatrics.  Since we moved in together, we have gotten into a pretty good routine that works.

--I spend a lot of time at the gym, both working at my job, and working out myself.  It shows - I'm a pretty big guy.  I think I'm pretty good looking - never had an issue getting dates or whatever

--she spends a lot of time at the hospital (of course) and it's really hard work - both physically and emotionally (constantly involved with sick children).  I am probably the proudest boyfriend in the entire world.  She's so smart and caring.  Honestly she's like a goddamn superhero, to me

--I cook all of our meals, and even make her lunches and dinners she can eat at work.  She has always had a bit of a weight issue, so I do my best to make stuff that tastes good AND is healthy and low-fat options.  I'm good at cooking (IMO) so this isn't a big deal.  I like it, actually!

--I won't go into details, as this isn't the place for it, but we have a great sex life.  We also try to do romantic stuff as much as her schedule allows.  Whether it's a romantic dinner alone, or a fun getaway when we can manage it.

--I have way more free time than her, so I do all the house stuff - like laundry, yard stuff, cleaning, etc

--her job can be really rough sometimes, so I try to be there for her emotionally.  I listen to her and give her a shoulder to cry on

 

So like, I support her a lot, right?  Honestly I love to do it.  She does such important stuff, it's like maybe I kinda feel like I'm helping her do her thing?  It sounds corny and stupid now that I put it in words, but that's kinda how I feel.  I mean I'm just a gym instructor - she's like saving kids each day.  I guess I feel like me taking care of her helps her to do her job better?  I guess I just kind of like thinking that - it's probably bullshit.  She can do what she does whether I'm there or not.  I just love being a part of something important, in some small way

So what's wrong?  I'm like...what's she doing with me?  I'm like not smart enough to really talk to her about anything she's passionate about.  Any time she talks technical stuff, I just get lost.  Even when we like watch a show together, afterwards she's making these really smart insightful comments about it, and I'm like "...yeah that was really cool".  I'm just not in her league in a lot of ways - I've never been good at that.  I wish I were smarter, but I'm not.

And I get that this is probably just me feeling low self-esteem, but it's hard.  What if she's only with me because I'm a pretty nice looking big-muscle guy, who treats her nice, takes care of her in bed, cooks and cleans, and lets her cry on my shoulder sometimes.  What if I love her more than she loves me?  I guess I just want to know that she loves me for me, and not just because of all the nice stuff I try to do for her, you know?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

I spend a lot of time at the gym, both working at my job, and working out myself.  It shows - I'm a pretty big guy.  I think I'm pretty good looking - never had an issue getting dates or whatever...............What if she's only with me because I'm a pretty nice looking big-muscle guy, who treats her nice, takes care of her in bed, cooks and cleans, and lets her cry on my shoulder sometimes. 

I doubt she's with you because you're a himbo.  But you sure as heck are sounding like a himbo in the way you describe yourself, so I think this is where your fear stems from.   

How about you try being a regular fit guy instead of all this time standing in front of the gym mirror just to get muscles on muscles?   And in the time you save when not going over and above on your body,  pick up a book.  Or watch youtube docos.  Or watch quality current affairs TV of an evening.   I'm in my late 50's and didn't finish school either, but I still keep watching, reading and learning.  You're obviously literate, so there's no excuse to be a himbo

 

[Gaeta]

She's with you because you love her the way she wants/needs to be loved. You're kind, attentive, you notice what she needs and you're on top of it. I doubt she would have felt in love with you if you were a good looking a-hole.

She talks medical bumbo jumbo all day with her colleagues, l'm sure she doesn't want to talk shop at home.

I would suggest you to discover other interests than the gym to discover your other facets.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

What if she's only with me because I'm a pretty nice looking big-muscle guy, who treats her nice, takes care of her in bed, cooks and cleans, and lets her cry on my shoulder sometimes. 

What if she loves you because you’re all that? You seem like a really good guy. You’re probably her type. Has she given you any reason to think that she doesn’t love you? Any real reason, besides your own low self esteem and insecurity?

 

7 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

What if I love her more than she loves me?

Can I give you an advice? Never torture yourself with this question. It’s just way too deep and complex and in most cases impossible to answer. Every person loves the way they can, and yes, their ways are different. Do you feel loved? Then don’t worry about anything else.

 

7 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

I guess I just want to know that she loves me for me, and not just because of all the nice stuff I try to do for her, you know?

It’s not just you, we all want to know that. For example, what I do professionally tends to impress a lot of people, and I’m quite good at it. So, should I be torturing myself with the question whether my fiancée truly loves me or she is just under the thrall of my professional skills? My best friend is a very rich businessman. Should he worry that his GF is with him for his money? 

The only answer is to stop worrying and have some faith in the person you love.

Also, if you think you aren’t sophisticated enough for your fiancée, you can actually fix that. Just start educating yourself. It’s so easy nowadays, with a mind-boggling wealth of amazing information available on the internet. 

[Gaeta]

I know this couple she is highly educated and works for one of the biggest city in my country. Her husband is a postman and has lots of free time so he plays guitar in the subway as well.  Imagine this:  while he plays guitar in the subway - and people throw money in his guitar case -  his wife is sitting on the city board making plans for the new subway. They've been together for like 30+ years. It works because they accept each other as they are and they don't try to be someon else. 

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

treats her nice, takes care of her in bed, cooks and cleans, and lets her cry on my shoulder sometimes.  What if I love her more than she loves me?  I guess I just want to know that she loves me for me, and not just because of all the nice stuff I try to do for her, you know?

That doesn't sound like a "himbo" to me, it sounds like you're the kind of guy many women could be attracted to.

Suggest you read up on the "Love Languages' - your relationship seems to have a lot of the "acts of service" type. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that (although be careful to avoid burnout on this).

While it's certainly not the be all/end all, good compatibility in the "love languages" can be part of a good foundation for a strong LTR/marriage and is likely part of why you're both continuing to have a good relationship.

[Leihla_B]

She's in pediatrics because she loves children, so she's not likely in the habit of evaluating one's worthiness for love based on superficial models of performance. She chose you for your intrinsic value as a human being.

Women who are healthy and secure in their own worth can often appreciate a definition of a 'power husband' as one who empowers himself and others, and is equally willing to power a stroller. Head high.

[BreakOnThrough]

You have life on easy street, enjoy it.

[Els]

If it helps, there are lots of couples that fit the mold that you describe. Yes, the genders tend to be flipped in most of them, but why would that matter? It's not something that I can personally understand either, but it very clearly works for many, many couples. If the two of you are happy and there are no red flags, I think you are probably overthinking it. Just be yourself, she loves you for you.

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Els said:

If it helps, there are lots of couples that fit the mold that you describe. Yes, the genders tend to be flipped in most of them, but why would that matter? It's not something that I can personally understand either, but it very clearly works for many, many couples. If the two of you are happy and there are no red flags, I think you are probably overthinking it. Just be yourself, she loves you for you.

I agree. You're overthinking. Unless she's given you a reason to assume that she takes you for granted, learn how to appreciate that this education gap often works well for couples because they're not competing with career schedules and quibbling over who has time to manage the really important aspects of their household and their quality of life. Head high.

[Alpacalia]

You're very generous and it sounds like that's a big reason she loves you. For the same reason she is generous taking care of  'saving' kids she yields that to you as well in the facets she obviously loves about you physically and emotionally. You balance each other out:

1) You're nice looking. Not just superficially or because of your muscles (and it's not the size, most women don't care about it to an extent), but because there's something strong behind the muscles to begin with. As long as you're not vain, maybe she admires the fact that you are committed to taking care of your body and health which you are, no big deal.

2) You listen to her and make her feel supported, understood, and loved. This plays a big role in her being with you because we all need emotional support. She trusts you because there is no strings attached and for the same reason you only worry about her, and not yourself or anything it's powerful to have someone like that in our lives because they tend to keep us humble.

3) Intelligence really is subjective, and many people are smart in different ways. There's emotional IQ, which is just as, if NOT, more valuable than, say, a high IQ in a certain area or subject. I'm sure you're intelligent in many areas and in  different ways she can learn from as well. Plus - she loves talking to you - maybe the fact you don't have the same interests as she does that plays into the fact she can explain them to you, and that is a sort of bonding.

Stop feeling unworthy. If you want to expand 'erudition,' do it for yourself, no one else. Or do it for it's positive benefits to you and your lifestyle. Hit her between the spot: she's an awesome anchor. Feel lucky you landed her and congrats you're already happily taken. Be-ith grateful.

If there are instances where you feel she is ungrateful and is not showing you much appreciation, then of course, you're going to feel insecure and undervalued.

So, you need to figure out is this a "you" issue (meaning you have insecurities that you need to address) or is this a legitimate issue within your relationship that needs to be discussed and addressed.

[TrainerMike]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I truly appreciate it.

I guess I do have some self-esteem problems.  I guess everyone (including me) has always thought of me as the " big dumb jock" type of guy, and that's whatever.  But as time passes, it gets harder - like I'm not always going to be this way.  Like she's always going to be gorgeous and brilliant, but someday I'm going to be the sad stupid jock that peaked in high school (which I had to get a GED for).

And it's stupid because that's just me being sorry for myself, when really things are awesome.  I guess I just worry for nothing.  I'm just like really proud to be with her, and I guess I just want her to feel that way too?  Like long-term?  My folks really hate each other, and insult and complain about the other all the damn time.  Probably should have left each other a long time ago, but didn't for some reason.  I don't want to end up like that, you know?  I hate that I'm feeling this way

[Els]

16 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

Thanks for the advice everyone, I truly appreciate it.

I guess I do have some self-esteem problems.  I guess everyone (including me) has always thought of me as the " big dumb jock" type of guy, and that's whatever.  But as time passes, it gets harder - like I'm not always going to be this way.  Like she's always going to be gorgeous and brilliant, but someday I'm going to be the sad stupid jock that peaked in high school (which I had to get a GED for).

And it's stupid because that's just me being sorry for myself, when really things are awesome.  I guess I just worry for nothing.  I'm just like really proud to be with her, and I guess I just want her to feel that way too?  Like long-term?  My folks really hate each other, and insult and complain about the other all the damn time.  Probably should have left each other a long time ago, but didn't for some reason.  I don't want to end up like that, you know?  I hate that I'm feeling this way

Different people have different things that they find attractive. Are you happy in your relationship and does she seem happy? If the answer is "yes", you're probably just overthinking it.

[Leihla_B]

16 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

I'm just like really proud to be with her, and I guess I just want her to feel that way too?  Like long-term?

This is a worthy goal. There's always room for self development in everyone, even in the most secure among us. If you want to make her proud, one tiny place to start might be to break the habit of using the filler word 'like' in most of your sentences. Losing this reflex will help you to come off as less nervous and enhance your social interactions when she introduces you to people.

Head high, you've got this.

[TrainerMike]

Well, quite frankly, I AM nervous.  Even in an anonymous setting like this, it's really hard for me to talk about stuff like this.  I don't really like thinking about the ways that I feel inadequate about stuff.  It's just that I'm going to marry this woman, and I want everything to be healthy and good, and I can't make that happen if I'm bringing in all this baggage

It's funny, because early on in our relationship, she was the one who had bigger the self-esteem issues.  I mentioned she had weight issues early on, and that's accurate.  She's around the 300 lbs area, I would say.  So she was concerned that I would feel attracted to her?   Especially considering what I do for a living.  She didn't need to worry - she's one of those kinds of people who would be a smokeshow at any size.  I told her that often.  Plus would do little things like saying she looked nice in a certain type of outfit, or that her new hair style looked pretty - stuff like that.  All that was TRUE of course, but I kinda thought that it would be good for her to hear it from me?  Reassuring her.  I swear this lady could get bigger or she could get smaller, and either way I'd still be trying to get in her pants, lol.  Kinda rude to say, but that's how I feel lol

So I think she's more comfortable with us and that I find her attractive, etc.  But now that time has passed, it's me who's feeling insecure?  But it's like worry that I'm not good enough for her or something.

I HAVE been trying to work on trying to feel more like I'm being valuable to our relationship.  I mentioned that I do all the cooking before.  I had a lot of experience working in some fairly fancy restaurants and hotels, and there was a time when I considered making it more of a career?  I love cooking and I do pride myself in my skills in that area.  It's not everyone who knows what sous vide is, or who can poach an egg with as much perfection as I can ;) lol.  It's just that being a chef pays really bad, has terrible hours, and the risk of burnout is so high.  BUT I love bringing those skills to our little family situation here, and I know she appreciates my effort there.  Like, I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can make some really tasty meals!

I guess it's just stuff I have to put the work in on - I have thought about speaking to a professional as well.  Not that there's some crippling issues going on here, but like I said before, I don't want to ignore stuff that will get worse later on.

[basil67]

I think you're being too hard on yourself.  You're talking about not being the sharpest tool in the shed, but when I read your text I can't see it.  You've got good spelling, grammar so you've obviously very literate

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, TrainerMike said:

But it's like worry that I'm not good enough for her or something.

I understand this. I also worry that I’m not good enough for my fiancée. My worry is more about my moral character than about my skills, but sometimes it’s about skills too. I might be something like the opposite of you - I’m a professor and I have college degrees and all that, but I’m not athletic at all, can’t cook anything, can’t drive a car, can’t fix anything in the house, don’t know how to dress well. I’m generally really lousy with things - I’m clumsy, I tend to bump into things, break things, destroy clothes and shoes, and so on. I have bad eyesight and can’t hear well.

I used to worry about not being “manly” enough because of that, but at some point I understood that, instead of bemoaning my weaknesses, I can capitalize on my strengths. Luckily, people are different and we’re all attracted to different types and have different requirements. Women who have loved me simply don’t care much about my deficiencies, they aren’t a dealbreaker to them, because their type is someone like me, that’s why they choose me. I’m certain your fiancée doesn’t care about your perceived shortcomings because her type is someone like you, that’s why she chose you. She loves you for what you are, and she won’t stop loving you for something you aren’t.

 

[bpb2017]

Based on what you said, it sounds like you are indeed a Himbo. 

This is the reason why most guys avoid dating women that make more than them, especially when it is unlikely to change. You just end up adopting the both the traditional man's and woman's burdens  — you have to be the 'man', go to work, AND make her meals, do all the house work, adjust to her schedule, and so on. Also you have to expect a discrepancy in physical attractiveness. When I read your post I immediately assumed this, even before I spotted the "she was a weight issue" part. 

The reason why you feel that you're not good enough is because of the career differences, and it will always hang over you. Either learn to accept your feelings as part of life, or find a girl that is more compatible.

Edited September 15 by bpb2017

[Gforce77i]

From the details you've provided, I think you're worrying over nothing fella. Your insecurity has created a problem that doesn't exist. It's a funny thing (not laughing) that many of the dad gym addicts around me also have insecurities about themselves and compensate by getting bigger at the gym. They've actually admitted it. 

Try to set aside similar time you put in the gym, to your own mental health and self-discovery, it may be the only muscle that's not getting exercise..

Identify those demons and start eliminating them, theu have no place in your life.

[jasonblackheart01]

Lets just say...What if...Your role are reverse no? You are the sweet doctor with professional career and she is the sexy instructor with highschool degree. So she take care of you, cook for you, and she's great in bed. But...this woman was insecure, what is she doing with this guy with a professional career with a gym trainer? Does the doctor love her because of what? She was good looking? Nice sex? The woman feel insecure because she cant think what she can give to this doctor. Why did the doctor choose her?

Can you get my gist?

Whatever point of view you have, you are looking at the perspective that status is much important than love. You feel low because she has much more higher status than yours so you doubt her sincerity. You think at the back of your mind, she's just interested in your physical body not the emotion. 

Is true thought?

There was something called...communication?

Why don't you talk your feelings to her? instead of second guessing whatever your imagination you have?

And maybe a little called trust?