Aa

[blind_otter]

Soooo...I went to a few AA meetings like 7 years ago, when I first started having drug problems and trying to get sober. I really didn't put any effort at all. Having abused as many things as I've abused I barely remember it. I mean, I remember that IT happened. I just don't remember WHAT happened. Story of my life.

 

But, some years and various drugs of choice later I'm going to AA again, and I'll try an NA meeting. My first meeting is tonight and for some reason I feel anxious. I think because I'm older now and there's more at stake. Or, I've had so many negative consequences that for some reason now it seems more vital than in the past. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I'm just anxious.

 

Anyways, wish me luck.

 

 

I always feel like I'm more...boring or something. Now. I don't know.

[slubberdegullion]

All the best, blind_otter. Stay the course and you'll be just fine.

 

Boring is as boring does, by the way. I can never imagine you, in a bazillion years, being boring. No chance.

[JS17]

Good Luck B_O!!!

 

Giving up subtance abuse doesn't make you boring it makes you healthy. I hope it works out for you!

[Becoming]

Yeah! Good for you!

 

Sure, you're anxious. It sounds like you're preparing to face your demons for real this time, and it's hard. But having spent the past few months doing this and at times wondering if it was worth it or even if I was completely losing my sanity, I can only tell you I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I feel a peace I have rarely felt in my life, the peace of self-control. I wish for you that same peace.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I always feel like I'm more...boring or something.

 

You're too damn "smart" to ever be boring. I think your past is what gives you so much depth. While I admit to cringing sometimes when I read your "oops" threads, I'm absolutely amazed at your clarity and intelligence when you share your advice and opinions with the rest of us. Because it comes from a place of real understanding.

 

Maybe the others in AA will be able to benefit from that as much we do once you're comfortable enough to finally share yourself. Until then, you can always hide in the back row like I did in all those Alanon meetings.

 

Blend! Blend!

 

Good luck Otter, and let us know how it goes!

[933KJL]

Hey BO--all the best and remember us old timers here at LS are pulling for ya! Go get em girl!

[blind_otter]

Wheee! I'm excited.

 

Oh you know, Engima, I'm cringing when I experience it, and when I write about it. I am constantly cringing at my choices, my inebriated, emotionally f***ed up choices.

 

Which is why, here we are in a New Year and I didn't get drunk on New Year's Eve! Which is why I'm going to an AA meeting again. I'm tired of being embarassed by my big nasty oopses.

 

Maybe I'll write a book. God knows I have enough stories for more than one characted. heh.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I am so glad you are getting help hang in there BLIND OTTER !! Keep up the good work and if you need a friend you know you have friends in LS always!!!

[Geoffrey]

I am going to an AA meeting tonite also....I've been battling the bottle for years, I started when I was 15, and now I'm 41. How I wish I could buy those years back....

 

I recently got out of a relationship with an alcoholic girlfriend that I dearly love, even now....she has gotten worse over the past year and I believe is very close to hitting bottom. I left because I could not take any more erratic alcoholic behavior (and some of it was very bad), my own sanity (and my childrens' too) was at stake. I've been in the same place she is a few years back and it was damn hard work fighting my way back, but it was sooooo worth it. She is in very heavy denial and refuses to help herself right now.

 

I could write a very long story, maybe I will later on, I'm not ashamed to talk about my adventures in depression and alcoholism....you don't have to bury the pain, YOU CAN USE IT. I still fight the battle myself.

 

Life is beautiful sober, please come join it!

 

God bless you.

[Art_Critic]

Good Luck BO.. pick up that white chip..

there isn't a better feeling

 

I'm almost 19 years sober and could not have done it without AA and my sponser..

 

There are a few of us on LS.. if you ever need an ear just pm me..

 

[blind_otter]

So I went. I was trying to find all sorts of excuses not to but by the time the meeting was scheduled I had nothing to do but to go. It was an unsettling experience (in a good way). At first, I was uncomfortable. Most of the attendees were 10-20 years older than me, and most were men.

 

I think there arent more male alcoholics, I just think women might be better at the whole denial thing.

 

I learned a lot in one night. I figured out that even though I have quit in the past, I was a "dry alcoholic"?? With the same addictive behaviors and faulty coping mechanisms, I have been trying to struggle with those, trying to stop using the drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism while never really learning the NEW, healthy coping skills that I needed to replace the drugs and alcohol with.

 

I realized that, all these years I blames other things: my rapes, the abuse I suffered as a child, and I never took responsibility and admitted that I put myself in some bad situations as an adult. I probably PUT myself in bad situations subconsciously -- a convenient way to have "valid" excuses to be the wreck that I am today.

 

I didn't say much but when we had to go around the room and say "HI, my name is _______ and I'm an alcoholic." The introductions stopped awkwardly when it came to me, and I found myself squeaking in a falsetto, "HI, my name is Otter and I'm an addict."

 

I got some weird looks because I didn't say "alcoholic" -- but I have always considered alcohol a drug, is it important to differentiate between being a drug addict and an alcohol addict? I was too shy to ask at the meeting, plus a few guys were really going through it and I felt like my technical question would spark a debate that would detract from the therapeutic process for them. Or maybe that's me being deferential and codependent again?

 

I didn't join yet. I was going to attend a few NA meetings at other locations to see if that might be a better fit. But regardless of which meetings I attend, I will keep going. I plan to go to a meeting Friday or Saturday night -- the nights I usually am weakest when it comes to drugs, the nights when I have friends calling me to encourage me to go out and drink.

 

Funny though, when I woke today I was in a foul mood. I keep thinking about all the work I have to do. I am loathe to move on to the step where I have to honestly catalogue my moral defects. I am uneasy still, but I think that might be sobriety making me feel uncomfortable.

 

There's this myth going around that, if you are an addict, if you quit using you'll feel all sunny and great in no time. One guy admitted that he had stopped drinking 5 years ago, never attended a meeting until 3 months ago, and he was in hell until he started doing the steps....sobriety for me, and many I think, is a terrifying prospect. I've been wasted so often for the past 8years, I missed out on my college years, my young adulthood, it's a fuzzy blur. Like it happened to someone else.

 

This is harder than the other times. I suppose the longer you wait, the harder it becomes. The idea of spending the rest of my life without a cloudy mind is so, so scarey. I feel alone, but I know I ALONE put myself in this place that I am at. I've lost all my real friends, alienated my family, had a series of abusive relationships with addicts and alcoholics. For what? A big fat stinky pile of nothin'.

[slubberdegullion]

This discomfort you're feeling is an unfortunate, but necessary, part of the healing process. But as you near the end of the gauntlet, you'll likely find inner reserves of strength and fortitude that you didn't know existed. They were always there, of course, but were clouded by chemicals.

 

While it may be meaningless to you, my respect for you and your choices has just zoomed upwards, well beyond any readable scale.

[blind_otter]

This discomfort you're feeling is an unfortunate, but necessary, part of the healing process. But as you near the end of the gauntlet, you'll likely find inner reserves of strength and fortitude that you didn't know existed. They were always there, of course, but were clouded by chemicals.

 

While it may be meaningless to you, my respect for you and your choices has just zoomed upwards, well beyond any readable scale.

 

It does have some meaning. I am using my shame to motivate me, I suppose. It's actually good to be able to look back on my old threads and see how utterly ridiculous my train-wreck of a life looks like in black and white.

[Becoming]

I'm travelling and deliberately signed on to just see about you. Good for you! There's something about really having to come clean about our lives that's hard to face. We can shame ourselves to the point where we make the rebellious child in us say screw this! You're fighting the war that is beating you up now. This is tough, but you are up for the battle.

 

And when you don't think you are, call for backup here on LS and in whatever meeting you find that fits. Good for you that you're going to check out other meetings.

 

What you're doing takes incredible courage, and I just wanted to give you a little praise. You can't change the past; you can only change the now which will change the future. Though things may feel bad for awhile, your future's not gonna be what your past was. The fog will lift to reveal sunshiney days.

[Outcast]

Eventually, you'll develop an addiction to a clear brain and a healthy body - which in the whole scheme of addictions is the way to go.

[BigB]

Good luck Ott's, I'll be pulling for ya.

 

I hope everything works out for the best.

[blind_otter]

Thank you guys...it's been tough. I know that the consequences of my behavior and my addictions are a lot tougher to deal with than getting sober. It's like as I face the reality of the life I have created for myself, it gets harder, harder than the initial days of being consumed with just wanting to get wasted, now it's like I have a backlog of sh*t I have to wade through that I've been avoiding for years.

 

I woke up this morning at 5:30am in a fit. My neck and back were all rigid and tense, my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth. My back was in spasms. My body tries to trick me into thinking that I am in physical pain, so of course I need some kind of drugs. Any kind. My brain keeps running around in circles, and it's hard to organize my thoughts enough to communicate clearly.

 

It's weird -- having spent so much of my life numbing myself, now that I can experience my physical space it's almost overwhelming.

 

At times I find myself curled up in a ball on the couch, uncomfortable in any position. I know it will pass but the temptation is so strong to make it easier on myself. I get anxious, I can't relax. I'm tense even when I sleep.

 

Funny thing, though, I've been watching the first season of "Lost" on DVD, I've been selecting various TV series to watch to distract myself (plus daytime TV sux). There's one episode about a guitar player who's addicted to smack. Of course in TV land he gets sober in like a day and a half or something. But I thought it was cool when the old dude explained about the moth in a cocoon to the smack addict. It struggles to free itself, and to open to cocoon too early would ease the struggle, but the moth would be too weak to survive. The struggle to free itself is nature's way of making the moth strong.

 

So right now, I'm in the cocoon. Struggling.

 

It sounds so weak to other people, probably. To be such a slave to intoxication, to struggle so much to get sober. I feel so weak right now. But I erased all my drug connections from my phone. And I don't want to drink. I do but I don't. Does that make sense? I'm not making much sense today.

 

I'm going through it right now. I drink too much coffee, I think. It's the alcoholic's replacement drug, caffiene. haha.

[JS17]

It sounds so weak to other people, probably. To be such a slave to intoxication, to struggle so much to get sober. I feel so weak right now. But I erased all my drug connections from my phone. And I don't want to drink. I do but I don't. Does that make sense? I'm not making much sense today.

Kicking an addiction sounds like one of the strongest things a person can do.

 

I'm going through it right now. I drink too much coffee, I think. It's the alcoholic's replacement drug, caffiene. haha

Actually it's sugar. Sugar replaces a lot of the same neurotransmitters that drugs provide. It would be best not to use either but if it's a choice between drugs and a sucking candy, I would say have a sucking candy.

 

Keep it up B_O

[BigB]

You sound like me Ott's, a lot like me.

 

Living my own life makes me uncomfortable, anxious, and tense...

 

I've been a dry drunk for many years. to many...

 

Coffee, Cigarette's if you're a smoker, candy, TV, books, and long walks will help.

 

When is gets though, just hold on, breath, push through it, distract yourself with anything you can find, and keep telling yourself it will get better, because eventually it will, it has to.

[blind_otter]

I am a sugar addict. Last night I poured a half a bag of wildberry skittles in my mouth. Actually I remember one time, I was on a health-food kick - I was a vegan for 6 months and I severelly restricted my sugar intake and I was suffering! Shaking uncontrollably, jittery, nervous, sleepless, edgy, bitchy. Hey, that was right before I got divorced. Huh. Well the divorce was a lot of things....

 

Sugar, huh? I read an article years ago about sugar addiction. I'm going to look that up on the net. It gives me something to do besides sit on the couch holding my head.

 

Yeah, B -- I heard about being a dry drunk, someone exlpained it and I realized that's why I probably had a hard time quitting on my own. One guy at the AA meeting hadn't had a drink in 5 years, but joined AA and actually started to recover 3 months ago.

[JS17]

I'm a vegan and eat pretty healthy. I read a book called Potatos Not Prozac about the effects of sugar on the body and mind. A few chapters discussed the neurological similarities between alcohol addicts and sugar addicts. It's all about how your receptors function in receiving certain enzymes, hormones, and proteins. Pretty interesting read.

[blind_otter]

I'm a vegan and eat pretty healthy. I read a book called Potatos Not Prozac about the effects of sugar on the body and mind. A few chapters discussed the neurological similarities between alcohol addicts and sugar addicts. It's all about how your receptors function in receiving certain enzymes, hormones, and proteins. Pretty interesting read.

 

You're kidding me. I have that book on one of my numerous bookshelves. I believe it was left here by a previous roommate. I'm going to read it.

[BigB]

Yeah, B -- I heard about being a dry drunk, someone exlpained it and I realized that's why I probably had a hard time quitting on my own. One guy at the AA meeting hadn't had a drink in 5 years, but joined AA and actually started to recover 3 months ago.

 

My mom told me about the dry drunk thing, I haven't looked into it much, I'm just recently starting to figure out that it may be the source of a lot of my problems.

 

My Dad's a dry drunk, he quite because my mom threatened to leave him, but he never went to any kind of recovery.

 

I'm extremely addicted to sugar, caffeine, and nicotine. At one time or another I've had problems with Alcohol, Weed, Coke, food, video games, compulsive exercising, and overeating....

 

I've quite the dangerous stuff on my own, but the coke and the alcohol still scream at me all the time, and I'm recently starting to figure out that I need some help dealing with all my emotional crap.... I'm supposed to be seeing a shrink, but I chicken out every time I try to call one...(that's a whole other thread:rolleyes: )

 

The weird thing is I can have a few drinks with friends when I'm in the right state of mind and I don't have any problems. I know I probably shouldn't drink at all, but like I said I'm just recently figuring some of this out.

 

When I'm anxious, depressed, hurt, etc. my first instinct is to get my hand on the nearest 5th of Jack, and I know that can't be good...

 

Good luck with everything hun.

[blind_otter]

Grrrrrr. What if I was one of those "functional alcoholics"...what if I could use and abuse all my intoxicants with no ill effects to my job.

 

Would it still be ok to be an alcoholic?

 

Why is our culture so effing centered on alcohol. Every effing social event I hear about amongst my friends involves going to a bar, or "getting a drink". FEH. I AM FRUSTRATED TODAY AND PISSED OFF. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

 

I'm not going to quit. It sucks. I haven't even gotten to the point where I can go one day at a time. It's like one HOUR at a time. I will not get messed up for the next hour. And, my higher power willing, I won't get wasted the hour after that.......

[loony]

Why is our culture so effing centered on alcohol. Every effing social event I hear about amongst my friends involves going to a bar, or "getting a drink". FEH. I AM FRUSTRATED TODAY AND PISSED OFF. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I doubt that it's society in itself that is so centered in alcohol. It's more likely that you just have the wrong circle of friends.