Aa

[JS17]

Why is our culture so effing centered on alcohol. Every effing social event I hear about amongst my friends involves going to a bar, or "getting a drink". FEH. I AM FRUSTRATED TODAY AND PISSED OFF. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Bars and getting drunk really aren't that important. I know a few people who don't drink and they still go out, they just have fun without the alcohol.

 

I'm not going to quit. It sucks. I haven't even gotten to the point where I can go one day at a time. It's like one HOUR at a time. I will not get messed up for the next hour. And, my higher power willing, I won't get wasted the hour after that.......

I've never been through this so I have no idea what it's like but is there anything you can do to occupy yourself like a hobby or something so that you think about it less?

 

I love your avatar.

[blind_otter]

I've never been through this so I have no idea what it's like but is there anything you can do to occupy yourself like a hobby or something so that you think about it less?

 

I love your avatar.

 

Thank you.

 

I get better, when I quit, but it takes time. Usually what happens is that I spend about 2-3 weeks curled up in the fetal position pissed off, not talking to anyone, and then I start to find things to distract myself.

 

And I simply cannot go out to bars and not drink. Think of it this way. I''m the same way with cocaine. You put a plate with a pile of cocaine on it in front of me, I will try to do it. Even though I don't want it. Because I do, but I don't. It's just stupid.

 

I meant I'm not quitting my attempt at sobriety. I am not giving up but I am frustrated and I am not thinking clearly today. I am just saturated with this discomfort. Like I can't even sit still inside of my skin. My skin is crawling. My jaw hurts. I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time. I am a mess.

[blind_otter]

Why have I been crying all morning?

 

All the things I have to cry about and I can't get them out of my head, or get enough control of myself to talk to anyone. I tried and I cry too much when I talk and it's hard to talk.

 

I'm trying to make amends to the people I wronged and it is not going well. On TV they always welcome you and seem happy that you ask forgiveness. In real like they still hate you and make you feel worse.

 

I want to drink so bad right now.

 

I just want the feelings to go away.

[slubberdegullion]

Otter, sweetie, I think you may be forgetting something.

 

Forgiveness has little to do with the other person involved, and everything to do with you. Whether they dislike you or not really isn't the issue; it's got much more to do with cleaning out the muck that lays on the floor of your conscience.

 

And you know that having a drink or two will only numb the wounds; once you're sober, they'll still be there, but you'll be hungover on top of it all.

 

So stay strong, and the feelings will eventually diminish. It is only through facing them head-on, and dealing with them with a clear head, that you can truly let go.

 

I'm not a praying sort of dude, but I'll offer one up right now, just for you.

[blind_otter]

Thank you. I have never been one to pray but I have been praying a lot lately.

 

I think that, as I am not in spasms with tears right now, I have a lot of feelings that I have put away and used drugs and alcohol to not feel. A lot of shame, regret, anger at myself and others, self-loathing, embarassment. I don't know what to do or how to deal with all these feelings.

 

When I was raped the second time, I spent many months alone. I rarely talked to anyone. It's my favorite way to cope. To push everyone away and wallow on my pity pot. I realized I had to forgive the men who had violated me in my past, in order to just live because I was so sad. I felt like it was my fate since I was 5 years old to be the sexual plaything of men - every 7 years like clockwork, since then, I have been raped. This is the 7th years since my 2nd rape.

 

On New Years I cried and freaked out all night. I wasn't drinking, I was afraid. I am still afraid. I'm afraid something will happen to me this year. Like when I was 5, and then 12, and when I was 19. I don't know why I am convinced of this.

 

I told my Mom yesterday that I was in AA. She asked in a sarcastic, mocking voice, "Oh really? Do you have a drinking problem? I didn't know."

 

I feel really alone right now. I wish a lot of things. I mourn for the life I have lived, and the things I have done, and the shame that I feel. I mourn for the people I have hurt and the years I have wasted.

 

This is weird crying. I haven't cried like this in years, since I was raped, like a little baby. Wailing. I hurt so bad. I don't wanna hurt any more. I don't wanna hurt any more. I just don't want to feel anything.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm trying to make amends to the people I wronged and it is not going well. On TV they always welcome you and seem happy that you ask forgiveness. In real like they still hate you and make you feel worse.

 

This is vague for me, but it's not necessary for you to go into any details.

 

Let's start by not requiring forgiveness as a reward for regret. I think it's wholly possible to find some level of personal contentment within yourself by the very act of acknowledging regret and attempting to make those amends. It requires introspection, accountability, humility and most importantly COURAGE … which are virtues few people possess. It makes YOU the bigger person in spite of your self perceived handicaps.

 

So what, if a few doors have slammed shut behind you. It only hurts for a little while and maybe the past should stay just where it is … in the past. (???) It's only the end of one chapter in your life, but the beginning of a whole new one. A blank page that you can rewrite any way that you like.

 

People are cruel, yes. But no one is nearly as hard on Otter as Otter is sometimes on herself.

[blind_otter]

This is vague for me, but it's not necessary for you to go into any details.

 

Let's start by not requiring forgiveness as a reward for regret. I think it's wholly possible to find some level of personal contentment within yourself by the very act of acknowledging regret and attempting to make those amends. It requires introspection, accountability, humility and most importantly COURAGE … which are virtues few people possess. It makes YOU the bigger person in spite of your self perceived handicaps.

 

So what, if a few doors have slammed shut behind you. It only hurts for a little while and maybe the past should stay just where it is … in the past. (???) It's only the end of one chapter in your life, but the beginning of a whole new one. A blank page that you can rewrite any way that you like.

 

People are cruel, yes. But no one is nearly as hard on Otter as Otter is sometimes on herself.

 

Word up. In step 4 you have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. I had NO problems doing that. Heh. I do it all the time. My problem has never really been being honest with myself. Being accepting is a whole other thing.

 

You are right. I can't move forward until I let go of the past. I can carry the shame and regret with me for the rest of my life but it does about as much good as if I carried a pair of balls for the rest of my life. Extra weight. How long must I feel ashamed and bad for the mistakes I've made?

 

When I was little, before I had done so many stupid things, I used to think that people who did bad things should feel bad for the rest of their life. As I get older I realize the impossibility of this statement. I doesn't make it right, or make it better.

 

Thank you for letting me write it out. It makes more sense when I put some external order on the sheet in my head.

[Geoffrey]

Otts,

 

I've been following your posts and, first, I want to tell you that I understand your feelings. The feelings we have aren't right and they aren't wrong....they just ARE. Blaming yourself, feeling angry with yourself, these things are side effects of the addiction manifesting itself.

 

Second I, too, have struggled with depression and drugs, alcohol, you name it. I started drinking when I was 15 and I am now 41. My depression hit bottom about three years ago, and I basically lost my mind for about six months, went through my divorce, and my whole life tilted over and crashed. I was unemployed for a year and a half, drank like a fish, finally got into counseling and a change of meds (the serzone quit working)....and slowly and painfully came back to life.

 

It took some excruciating effort to unwrap the heavy chain that was wound tightly around my neck and finally throw it away for good....but with the right help and support, I did it.

 

I have been off the meds for about two years now...and I feel GOOD.

 

Sadly, my ex GF, who is a wonderful person, is going through the same thing right now, she is not well. I pray for her recovery on a daily basis. I love her and I miss her terribly but there is nothing more I can do for her right now. She needs to make her own mind up about helping herself and seeking wellness. All of my goading, urging, and prodding have come to nothing.

 

I want to share a link with you here, it's about addiction and how it can turn you into a puppet on a string, with you being the puppet and the addiction pulling the strings:

 

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

 

If there were a way I could buy all those years of pain back, I would do it. It cost me a LOT. More than I can probably get back with whatever years I have left on this planet. 41 comes around a lot faster than most people realize!

 

Reading between the lines in your posts....I KNOW that inside of you is a beautiful, wonderful girl who is struggling mightily to get out....just remember, with God, all things are possible. It's true. And with the proper help, support, and encouragement, we will see her very soon.

 

On with the campaign.....get going, and good luck, dear.

 

You can PM me if you want someone to talk to....

[Outcast]

I think that, as I am not in spasms with tears right now, I have a lot of feelings that I have put away and used drugs and alcohol to not feel. A lot of shame, regret, anger at myself and others, self-loathing, embarassment. I don't know what to do or how to deal with all these feelings.

 

This is why you used. Are you still getting counselling for PTSD? Or did you ever? You certainly do need help to deal with those feelings which the booze and drugs numbed. It can be done, Otter! It absolutely can and you for sure are strong enough and smart enough to do it but enlist help. You need the best PTSD therapist you can find to help deal with all the garbage from the past.

[blind_otter]

This is why you used. Are you still getting counselling for PTSD? Or did you ever? You certainly do need help to deal with those feelings which the booze and drugs numbed. It can be done, Otter! It absolutely can and you for sure are strong enough and smart enough to do it but enlist help. You need the best PTSD therapist you can find to help deal with all the garbage from the past.

 

Yes, I've been in counseling. I've had a bunch of different therapists. On the one hand I could say, the therapy always stalled out after a few months. I would get into arguments with the therapists regarding the course of therapy because I've never wanted to re-experience the traumas. I decided to try a different way and get sober for a few months BEFORE I try again...

 

I'm always a bit fussy in therapy because I've done it so much, and I have a psych degree, and it's SO HARD to find a therapist that can respond to you authentically. Maybe I would work better with a male therapist because of my mommy-issues.

 

But I don't want to re-experience the traumas because in therapy I usually start out OK and fall apart. As I go over what has happened, I lose control of my life -- lose my job, freak out on family members...I have begun to wonder whether I should just save up my money and try an inpatient course of therapy? Do I simply get so overwhelmed that i can't handle every day life?

 

I was crying yesterday and this morning like a baby. Literally. With those screaming sobs you hear little children cry with when they are so hurt they are inconsolable.

 

When I was very young, and my mother was not yet being treated for her bipolar mood disorder (she didn't get treatment until all the children left the house, nice one) -- I never really had an opportunity to experience my feelings. I put them away to deal with my mother. And after that I leapt from bad relationship to bad relationship, distracting myself with the same tactic - close relationship with unstable person - because by that time (age 19) I had such a backlog that the prospect to dealing with such hurt was utterly terrifying. And maybe with my two mentally ill parents (Dad has severe PTSD) - the only relationships I'm "comfortable" in (familiar with) are relationships with mentally unstable people?

 

It's like a pus-filled wound that needs to be drained. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. At times I feel so strong that I am shocked at my inner strength. At times I feel like a vulnerable, lonely little girl. The same little girl I was 20 years ago. Still in there. Still being ignored to deal with "more important matters."

 

When I was praying this morning, at first I was praying for strength and guidance. Then I began to sob and I stopped and started praying for love. Not somebody else's love...I was praying for divine love from my higher power. I pray for nothing else. No guidance. No help. Just the unconditional love. I pray that I can find love for myself and others. And for love from the divine. I suppose I can do the rest on my own, eh?

 

I cannot fully express the relief I feel being able to vent and sort through my feelings with such thoughtful input. Heck, it's like having a therapist in some ways. Good questions to direct the pathway of my whirling thoughts. Bless you...all of you. You guys are working up good karma.

[Outcast]

But I don't want to re-experience the traumas because in therapy I usually start out OK and fall apart

 

I highly recommend EMDR. The idea is to re-experience the traumas but to disconnect their ability to make you feel horrible while you think about them; to remove the feelings from the experience so you can recall them as dispassionately as you do other events. And until you can do the work to make that disconnect happen, you'll be stuck, I believe.

[Becoming]

Otter,

 

It's helpful to me to read your posts. I know some of what you're going through. I know that wailing. Mine went on for days, and I, too, wondered if I didn't just need to go inpatient for awhile. So I what you mean about therapy and an inability to function in the real world. Fortunately, I have a job where I had extended time off to experience the grief I'd stuff for decades. It sucks, frankly, but it's necessary.

 

The wailing really is from that little girl who wants someone to come care for her. You've tried to console her with booze, drugs, others (any others because like a naive child you trusted they would help you and you didn't have the more discerning adult completely intact), whatever--anything to avoid feeling that awful, awful pain.

 

I have been in therapy 4 times now (once in a situation where I had a new therapist every year). I have some background and experience in psychology as well, and frankly, I could always outsmart my therapists to avoid having to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child. Except the one I have now. She's good. She's always making me "feel my feelings" which I hate because they suck. One day she expertly led me back to a time of abuse I experienced as a 5-year-old, and I literally whined like a little child, "I don't want to go there. Don't make me go there." But she persisted gently, saying we did have to go there and that she would be with me and help me out."

 

Reexperiencing the old traumas is like falling into a mud pit or quicksand. When we do, we get stuck. We need someone to help us out. Someone who knows what to do, not someone we want to help us out (our mother, SO, friend, etc.) because they often don't know what to do so they just stand there and watch us wallow or say something snide or run off, and that just makes us hurt worse.

 

Find a therapist who specializes in PTSD and cognitive therapy to help you out of the pit you're experiencing. It's hard work, but it really helps.

 

You have so much to offer, Otter, and you deserve to be as happy as an otter, not an oughter who beats herself up with guilt.

[blind_otter]

That's a good one - "Oughter". I think too much on what I ought to do.

 

Last night at the meeting we talked about how addicts want what they want when they want it. Gung ho in the beginning of any new adventure, always losing momentum because we try to exert our will over everything. In an attempt to create a world that doesn't feel chaotic or overwhelming.

 

I find so many excuses to not attend my meetings. Once I'm there I feel so much better but to get there is a difficult process.

 

I have heard this over and over, about the therapy issue. I know that eventually I will have to face this and enter into therapy again. I think this time I will take my sweet effing time and interview as many therapists as possible before I get started. I need to let them know that I am a difficult case, more because of my attitude than anything else. hah.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Blind otter sounds like you are doing well and am so proud of you for taking the plunge to get help !! Keep up the good work and keep us posted to the accomplishments you make....

[Becoming]

I have heard this over and over, about the therapy issue. I know that eventually I will have to face this and enter into therapy again. I think this time I will take my sweet effing time and interview as many therapists as possible before I get started. I need to let them know that I am a difficult case, more because of my attitude than anything else. hah.

 

I think you're right to interview folks like this. You'll have to go in and take charge of the situation by saying briefly here's who I am, what I've been through, that I'm afraid of facing the rapes and being retraumatized by the memories to the point where I can't function even though I know I need to. I'm not interested in . . . . but I need help doing . . . So what can you do for me, and how?

 

I've gone into therapy before just giving away all trust. It took me years to figure out what I just said to you. And because of the intelligence and control issues we have:) , we are a handfull. A good therapist will be ok with this and not try to force. I got the head honcho psychol. here, someone with a decent book out, on the speakers' circuit, etc., and after being preached to for two sessions, as though I were in one of his serminars, I got angry, told him he couldn't possibly do his job if he wasn't ever going to listen to me, told him thank you (he did give me some good insights), no hard feelings, and walked out. Best thing I ever did. I never would have done that before. I'd have just accepted whatever "the expert" told me. You are the expert on you; a therapist just helps you quit hurting yourself by reviewing current coping strategies that worked given your history but aren't working anymore and helping you go on to be/do what you really want.

 

I have a therapist now whom I was referred to by our marriage counselor who knew folks it'd be good to work with. We were referred to our marriage counselor by a friend who's a psychologist.

 

Something in you wants to be well. Follow that something over against the something else in you that keeps you enslaved to the fear of facing your powerful emotions. It's understandable that you're afraid of all those emotions. I was, too, but I'm here to tell you that they're much less powerful over my life now because I'm gaining some transcendent perspective that can choose what it is I really want to be/do. So the emotions just don't automatically overwhelm me as often now and send me into a panic I numb with work, food, TV, etc. And when I do get back there, I can say, "Oh, I know this place. I can swim out of it now."

 

I say all of this as encouragement to undertake the journey. Step by step by step. You really can do it and have the life you really really want and deep down in (past the unjustified shame) know you deserve. Don't be afraid of the depths where the fear and desire are duking it out right now. "When you walk through the deep waters," God/Higher Power promises, "I will be with you. My almighty hand will uphold you."

[blind_otter]

It has been difficult for me to give up my will. Easy to say, but hard to face when I realize that I have tried to exert my will over everything around me, to the point of leading myself into disasterous situations. I have to constantly remind myself that I cannot control everything around me.

[Becoming]

Of course you don't want to give up your will. It means you'll be hurt.

 

I don't think will is necessarily a good word to use. Seeking to control others and situations beyond your control is what they're talking about, not the power to choose, which is what will is to me. If we give up the power to choose how we're going to respond, we've given up our will and are at the mercy or abuse of others, which is really not a good thing for those who've been abused by others against their will.

[blind_otter]

I thought it was sh*tty word choice myself but I can't think of another word. I try to use the force of my personality to change the course of everything around me, to control the uncontrollable. It's an elaborate method of self-deception, I think. "If I can control everything, no one can hurt me, and if I do get hurt I'll blame myself because I can lie to myself and say that since it's my fault, I can keep it from happening again."

 

Being self-centered. All the lies. My Dad always said, lie to everyone else if you have to but don't lie to yourself. I never understood what he meant until now.

[Becoming]

I thought it was sh*tty word choice myself but I can't think of another word. I try to use the force of my personality to change the course of everything around me, to control the uncontrollable. It's an elaborate method of self-deception, I think. "If I can control everything, no one can hurt me, and if I do get hurt I'll blame myself because I can lie to myself and say that since it's my fault, I can keep it from happening again."

 

Being self-centered. All the lies. My Dad always said, lie to everyone else if you have to but don't lie to yourself. I never understood what he meant until now.

 

 

I'm fabulous at the whole control thing, too. Only there's a fear running my show--a fear that if I get hurt I'll cease to be. I'll go numb, be at everyone else's power and control. (Child abuse issues from early age). I suspect you have some of the same issues, given your history. In order to avoid that horrible feeling of powerlessness, we'll use every ounce of power we have. This is a good thing as long as we use our deeper wisdom to use the power to choose without any of the deceptions we've also held.

 

It's weird. I blame myself, too, but I haven't seen the rationale before as you so aptly spelled it out here. Thanks.

 

But you know, despite all that's happened to us, we didn't die. We just embodied the false messages that there was something wrong with us because we had our own mind/will that wasn't in accord with those who hurt us. We didn't act like we "should" have. So now we violate ourselves on their behalf--there's the problem! We should on ourselves.

[alphamale]

My Dad always said, lie to everyone else if you have to but don't lie to yourself.

This makes no sense whatsoever....lying to everyone else around you is also lying to yourself. You cannot seperate the two.

[blind_otter]

This makes no sense whatsoever....lying to everyone else around you is also lying to yourself. You cannot seperate the two.

 

Wow, that was very Buddhist of you, Alpha.

 

Anyways, isn't there a difference between lying to everyone else and lying to yourself? Haven't you heard of a confidence man?