Is it advisable to pursue this person romantically, or should I think of her just as a good friend?

[Qwe24]

I met someone on an online pen pal site about four months ago. After exchanging several letters in two weeks, I felt we clicked. We were both single and open to dating and had compatible personalities. Unsurprisingly, the letters we exchanged in the following weeks progressively became longer and more personal.

Eventually, we agreed to move to WhatsApp, where we enthusiastically exchanged personal and sometimes borderline-romantic messages for up to eight hours a day when she wasn’t on duty as a physical therapist. She didn’t just send me emojis but also long and well-thought-out replies and occasional questions. She also initiated texting me several times.

Recently, though, she’s been dropping hints of wanting to take a break from or at least reduce the duration of our conversation. For example, she told me twice in a friendly tone that she couldn’t focus on her studies with me asking “thought-provoking” and “interesting” queries now and then. On one occasion, I believed she also lied about making pizza for her godson to let me know she couldn’t reply to my messages instantly. Oddly enough, she sent me a message an hour later, which led to several hours of conversations.  (By the way, I could tell she had lied because whenever I asked for a photo of the pizza, she’d find an excuse to send it to me later despite supposedly having already taken it.)  

I seem to be getting mixed messages. Is it advisable to pursue her romantically, or should I think of her just as a good friend? Thank you so much in advance for your advice!

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Qwe24 said:

 (By the way, I could tell she had lied because whenever I asked for a photo of the pizza, she’d find an excuse to send it to me later despite supposedly having already taken it.)  

How many times did you ask for a photo? I can see asking once just out of genuine interest, but more than that would hae tipped me off that you were searching for "evidemce", so to speak. That would turn me off of sending a photo, even I had been doing exactly what I said I was. 

1 hour ago, Qwe24 said:

should I think of her just as a good friend?

For now, just this. You haven't met this person so it's never a good idea to get ahead of yourself with ideas of romantic pursuits anyway. . How far away does this woman live? Is meeting in person fesible? 

[Ami1uwant]

How far apart do you two live?

[smackie9]

You have no clue who this person is...could be some 65 year old looking for attention, a dude making up stories about everything, cat fishing, etc Very dangerous to get involved with strangers over the net. can't even do a background check to see if this person is even who they say they are. You better clear your feelings and your head on this.

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You have no clue who this person is...could be some 65 year old looking for attention, a dude making up stories about everything, cat fishing, etc Very dangerous to get involved with strangers over the net. can't even do a background check to see if this person is even who they say they are. You better clear your feelings and your head on this.

I second that.

[Leihla_B]

Too much time spent building a fantasy with ghaad-knows-who. Could be a catfish team, for all you know, which would explain why they can keep you messaging your hours away while giving out personal information.

If you don't live close enough to meet someone for a cup of coffee to check one another out, then hang it up and find someone local enough to date.

[Qwe24]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For now, just this. You haven't met this person so it's never a good idea to get ahead of yourself with ideas of romantic pursuits anyway. . How far away does this woman live? Is meeting in person fesible? 

She lives in Europe, and I'm on a different continent, so I'm afraid meeting her in person is not an option for now. 

[Qwe24]

8 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Too much time spent building a fantasy with ghaad-knows-who. Could be a catfish team, for all you know, which would explain why they can keep you messaging your hours away while giving out personal information.

If you don't live close enough to meet someone for a cup of coffee to check one another out, then hang it up and find someone local enough to date.

Thanks for the reply! Fortunately, the pen pal site I met her on requires its members to verify their identity before interacting with others, so I'm pretty sure she's real. Moreover, I've never given her any sensitive personal information, nor has she asked for it. She sticks with ethical questions. I'm the one who often asks her personal questions.

[Qwe24]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You have no clue who this person is...could be some 65 year old looking for attention, a dude making up stories about everything, cat fishing, etc Very dangerous to get involved with strangers over the net. can't even do a background check to see if this person is even who they say they are. You better clear your feelings and your head on this.

Thanks for the advice! Fortunately, the pen pal site I met her on requires its members to verify their identity before interacting with others, so I'm pretty sure she's real. Moreover, I've never given her any sensitive personal information, nor has she asked for it. She sticks with ethical questions. I'm the one who often asks her personal questions.

[ShyViolet]

This is a person who not only have you never met in person, but she lives on a different continent than you.  You are really getting caught up in a fantasy here and not thinking clearly.  Even if there was romantic potential here, it makes no sense to try to pursue someone who lives on the other side of the world.  Dating is an in-person activity.  You have no idea whether you have actual chemistry with this person unless you are spending time with them in real life.  Otherwise it is truly just a fantasy you have built up in your head.

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Qwe24 said:

Fortunately, the pen pal site I met her on requires its members to verify their identity before interacting with others

So? That doesn't mean she's not after a green card or after getting money out of you. There is noway for you to sue her if she frauds you. You also have no clue what she looks like. Nowadays you cannot trust pictures, she may be a *he* for all you know.

[smackie9]

I doubt very highly that this website has any high security to prevent scammers the like from infiltrating their website. A big company like Ashley M#$%^ lied about their security measures....they didn't have any.

[Helen A]

While it can be exciting to talk to someone online,  I would imagine after four months you would arrange to talk to them in person to see how it went. 
 

you have no idea who a person is online and texting is different from reality - there’s no tone in text. 
 

I wouldn’t get my hopes up too high, but I probably wouldn’t stay involved too much longer if there’s no real meet up going to be on the cards.  
 

I feel like the shift in energy could be a red flag also, and why would you think she was lying it wouldn’t enter your head otherwise so trust your intuition. 
 

take care 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Qwe24 said:

She lives in Europe, and I'm on a different continent, so I'm afraid meeting her in person is not an option for now. 

So, I must ask why you are even considering a romantic pursuit?

It doesn't sound like a realistic option at all. 

[Leihla_B]

On 9/7/2024 at 10:00 AM, Qwe24 said:

Thanks for the reply! Fortunately, the pen pal site I met her on requires its members to verify their identity before interacting with others, so I'm pretty sure she's real. Moreover, I've never given her any sensitive personal information, nor has she asked for it. She sticks with ethical questions. I'm the one who often asks her personal questions.

Okay, good. How far away does she live, and how would you close that gap to date her?

EDIT: I saw your answer above. She's across the world from you--she's a pen pal. Unless one of you is extremely wealthy, this is a waste of your time in terms of romance. Unless you want to close yourself off from real opportunities, set up quick meets over coffee or tea with local people to in person to pick the ones you want to date.

Edited September 8, 2024 by Leihla_B