Can a friendship recover after unrequited feelings?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently got very close to a man whom I met in person through friends a few months back. He and I were both going through some heavy things and we found a friend in each other. We connected so well, on a very deep level, and understood each other brilliantly. It is seldom that I have been able to reach this deep level of understanding and connection with someone; it felt almost like we are like soulmates, in whatever sense. We would text for hours every single night.

I found myself starting to develop feelings for this man. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way about anyone before. But I sensed that these feelings might be one-sided.

He likes someone else whom he used to date several years ago and now hangs out with as a friend (not FWB). This girl doesn’t like him back in that way anymore but mainly just uses him for company, which he doesn’t mind. All of this he shared with me. He did ask me if I wanted to hang out with him 1:1 just to continue our conversations in person, but I declined, mainly because he already has this other girl on his mind whereas I like him more than a friend.

I found myself getting upset in our communications when he would mention her. I knew I had to withdraw from our friendship; pull away for a bit until my feelings dampened down. I did so, but this left him with doubts, and the fear that he did something wrong. He came after me. At the same time he expressed that if I really want him to leave me alone he will, since he respects my feelings, but that when I’m ready to talk that would be great and he’ll be ready.

It was then that I knew this couldn’t end in any way other than a confession from me. I told him how I felt, and heartbreakingly I was right; these were unrequited feelings.

Naturally I had to state again that I need to step back, and this time he respected it. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to be able to be friends with him again; I don’t know if we can ever go back to that even.

He’ll likely feel uncomfortable for us to be as close as we were. He’ll be wary of giving away any misleading signs. Whereas me, I’ll continue to feel hurt for this and always be reminded of the rejection.

I have had it happen before when I have been on both ends of unrequited feelings, and unfortunately each time it meant that the friendship died a sad death and could not recover. But the friendship I had with this man is so dear to me, that I would love to try to find a way of recovering it. I would love to hear success stories on this from anyone who’s had experience of a friendship being saved after feelings develop on 1 side but not the other?

Thanks very much 💐 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I would love to hear success stories on this from anyone who’s had experience of a friendship being saved after feelings develop on 1 side but not the other?

I’d love to hear those stories too, because I’ve never encountered them in real life. Not in my own life, not in the lives of anyone I know or heard about. Never.

I had a really good friend, a girl, when we were both 18. We talked on the phone all the time, met each other regularly, had a really good connection and a lot of fun together. I didn’t see the woman in her. She looked like a boy, and to me, she was just a great buddy. Only a year later did I understand that she’d been in love with me all that time. I was incredibly stupid and told her, “Look, I love you as a friend, but I just don’t see you as a woman”. I can never forget the hurt on her face. She never spoke to me again.

I’m firmly convinced that friendship is absolutely impossible when one of the friends has romantic feelings for the other. Friendship, by definition, excludes romance. A person who is in love with their friend can’t be a friend anymore.

[NuevoYorko]

Not really.  I was on the receiving end of such a situation but we were very young, in a super dynamic and crazy friend group, and there were probably quite a few who had unrequited crushes on others in it.  

I didn't care if the person "had feelings" for me or not.   I didn't have them.   This is the selfishness of youth - at least MY youth - but I liked hanging out, didn't want them to disappear,  and I just kept on.  

Nothing romantic or sexual ever happened between us.

Ok.   Now it's over 30 years later and we are very dear friends with nobody having "feelings".   We both have marriages behind us,  grown children, and a very deep connection because of things we shared in youth. 

We also live in different countries and have seen each other very rarely over the past many years.

But,  we are "family" and we have a real love between us, which has nothing to do with sex or romance. 

So ... maybe you'll know in a few decades whether you and this man have what it takes to be real true plutonic friends. 

Edited September 7 by NuevoYorko

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’d love to hear those stories too, because I’ve never encountered them in real life.

Me neither, unless years and years had passed and both parties had completely moved on with their lives. 

I think that in order for you to move forward, OP, you are going to need to shelve this friendship. It will hurt you too much otherwise. 

[MsJayne]

Yes, you can have friendship success stories when the one who was in love finds someone new and fully moves on. Until then you don't want to be that sad-eyed rejectee who tragically watches on while the object of their affection pines for The One That Got Away, so you're right to back off. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I fully agree with all posts so far.

This man confessed to me that he has Asperger’s, and this does partly explain his lack of awareness of how something he innocently says or does can come across differently (in this case, ‘lead someone on’) without him meaning to. He is very keen to keep friendship with me because in truth nobody else understands him like I do, but I explained to him that we can’t- there are one sided feelings here. 

He doesn’t see me as a woman but just a buddy whom he connects with well. He said it wouldn’t matter if I were male or female; it wouldn’t change how he feels about me. He connects with me well and that’s what matters to him; he tries to get close to me on the basis of what he sees as a purely platonic connection. Since both of us are heterosexual, in my view this is not a healthy friendship. It is hurting one party.

It is upsetting me to have him in my sphere, let alone this close sphere that he keeps trying to create with me. He keeps saying he wants to get closer to me, even after this happened. I tell him to please not act or talk like this because it can lead a woman onto thinking he means something that he doesn’t, then he understands and backs off. He doesn’t properly get why I need to distance myself on the basis of finding out he doesn’t actually like me in that way. I have now asked him for some time apart and I hope he respects it; I need to heal.

I have advised him that he use this time apart to try and build some connections with more males rather than females, since the way he tries to get close to women without actually liking them in that way can mislead significantly 🤨

Edited September 8 by babybrowns

[Leihla_B]

It's not likely that you would enjoy the new dynamic. You both connected as equals without an agenda. Then you developed a spark of feelings that created an imbalance. Meanwhile, he's pursuing his own imbalance with someone else. He still wants the intimacy of equality with you because he's not fully satisfied by his own imbalance. But that's no basis for a friendship, because it doesn't satisfy your imbalance.

Maybe someday after you've found your own romantic match and can fully enjoy equality with this guy sans the imbalance of an agenda, that might be your cue to connect with him again. Meanwhile, it's not your job to teach him WHY he can't automatically have the equality back. That's his blind spot, not yours.

Edited September 9 by Leihla_B

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

It's not likely that you would enjoy the new dynamic. You both connected as equals without an agenda. Then you developed a spark of feelings that created an imbalance. Meanwhile, he's pursuing his own imbalance with someone else. He still wants the intimacy of equality with you because he's not fully satisfied by his own imbalance. But that's no basis for a friendship, because it doesn't satisfy your imbalance.

Maybe someday after you've found your own romantic match and can fully enjoy equality with this guy sans the imbalance of an agenda, that might be your cue to connect with him again. Meanwhile, it's not your job to teach him WHY he can't automatically have the equality back. That's his blind spot, not yours.

Thank you so much. I think it’s quite telling that he didn’t feel the need to respect my distance and let me heal; due to his diagnosis he does find it hard to ‘grasp’ the other person‘s feelings sometimes. In his mind he couldn’t rationalise why stepping back was necessary for me. I even had to say the words to him: “hurt feelings need some space” !! He just can’t see it, he can’t,  but he respects it’s something I want to do and he’ll stand by my choices.

So now he has finally started to leave me alone and give me that space. It is tough since we did connect on a very deep level, I miss our communications; it’s hard to replicate that kind of thing with others. Oh well 😭

Edited September 9 by babybrowns

[NuevoYorko]

How long have you been friends with this man?

[balletomane]

15 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How long have you been friends with this man?

In her first post BB said that she recently became close to him after meeting "a few months back", so not long.

BB, everything you've said about this man so far seems to be following a similar pattern. In the past you've made several posts about developing a rare friendship or special connection with someone. This has happened so many times in such a relatively short time frame that you've often had to clarify that you were talking about a different person, because other posters assumed not unreasonably that the posts must all refer to the same guy. You've also said, separately, that you tend to get attached easily. I don't know if your insistence that these are rare, unique connections is a way to make the situation feel more romantic, or if you're trying to be the kind of person you'd like to be (someone who isn't easily attached), but you're only making life more difficult for yourself if you don't acknowledge the pattern you're in.

What usually happens after you begin talking about a special connection is that you discover it's unrequited, and you then step back to protect your heart (or possibly in the hope that the man will pursue you). You then decide that as the friendship was so special, you don't want to lose it, and you will spend time with the guy after all. This is followed by you getting upset that he's leading you on/disrespecting your feelings/being narcissistic and selfish or whatever else. This has already started to happen in this thread.

In a nutshell, the most helpful question you could ask here is not, "Is it possible for me to still be friends with him?" but "Why do I frequently end up in these situations, and how can I end the cycle?".

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

In a nutshell, the most helpful question you could ask here is not, "Is it possible for me to still be friends with him?" but "Why do I frequently end up in these situations, and how can I end the cycle?".

Wow, very astute. Another question, "Do I form the same degree of closeness in my friendships with women?" If yes, great. If not, then why not?

Maybe you believe friendship is what you want with men, even while you're trying to back-door a romance under the guise of a fabulous friendship? Are you too afraid of rejection to put a clear desire for 'dating' on the table, up front, so you buy time to wow them with a great connection by claiming that you aren't interested in that?

This doesn't work. As you've noticed, you end up tricking yourself in the process. You waste lots of time while compounding your fear of rejection by feeling ripped off.

Most people are NOT our match. This is natural odds, and it's true for everyone. The difference is, most people put their desire to date ON the table, up front, and when they're rejected, they just move forward to the next person until they strike simpatico. You form bonds instead. That is deadly.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, balletomane said:

 

In a nutshell, the most helpful question you could ask here is not, "Is it possible for me to still be friends with him?" but "Why do I frequently end up in these situations, and how can I end the cycle?".

Exactly my thinking.  

Another common feature of these scenarios is that the object of interest generally ends up in a "bad guy" role when their only real crime was not returning your feelings.  

OP - what do you think about this?  Does it resonate at all with you?

 

[Mrin]

This is going to sound terribly sexist - because it is - but I have never heard of a MF friendship recovering when the woman had the unrequited feelings. Conversely, I know of multiple instances where friendships recoverd when the man had the unrequited feelings. 

Men typically handle rejection "better". Or at least men can do a better job compartmentalizing feelings. 

Sorry. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

Men typically handle rejection "better". Or at least men can do a better job compartmentalizing feelings. 

Or maybe our male feelings are sometimes not really “feelings” but more like “I want to get into my hot female friend’s pants”. A rejection of that is easier to handle, indeed😁

[jasonblackheart01]

First of all, the other side need to acknowledge that you have feelings for him

Second, he need to state what level of friendship he can give you

Three, you both need time to adjust to what kind of relationship you two both willing to forge.

Four, find someone to love and cherish instead of waiting for romeo to wake up and  climb your tower.