We're having less sex, and she's upset.

[Cactus Harlow]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

So how often are you guys having sex? I know you said it feels like the frequency is the same but how often is that frequency?

1-2 times a week. But if I am not feeling like sex, I will gladly use a toy on her. 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[Mrin]

8 minutes ago, Cactus Harlow said:

1-2 times a week. But if I am not feeling like penetration, I will gladly use a toy on her. 

That's definitely in the normal healthy relationship range. But, just as a reference, my GF and I have very high libidos (47 & 52) and our happy place is twice a day. So if she is like us - I can see where there is a libido mismatch.

Also just going to toss this out there... A lot of what you said sounds like she's coming from a place of wanting to be desired rather than pure libido. I know you're trying to be a good BF and show up for her with using the toy when you didn't feel like PIV sex but I'm thinking that comes across as soft rejection to her. Especially with her genital HSV 1 issues. 

My suggestion is to finding ways throughout the week to convey your desire for her even if you aren't having sex. See how it lands for her. 

 

Mrin

Edited September 8 by Mrin

[Keeves1]

I agree with most people saying that this has to be an internal issues with her that she needsa professional to resolve. I'd do appreciate that you come to this forum and speak open about this! The mismatch in libido could be even worse if your relationship was not open. She definitely needs to stop her sex addiction tho. I'm saying alot of things that has been said so I don't know how much I can be of help.

I would try to give nice compliments to her throughout the day to let her know that you think that she is sexy and see where this goes. Maybe she has compliments as her 2 choice in her love language? 

Best of luck! 

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, Cactus Harlow said:

What sort of medication can lower her libido? 

This is a question for her doctor.

Do you live together? Because at both your age just having sex 1-2 times a week seems low.  How much sex with you would satisfy her? 

[Els]

On 9/9/2024 at 5:31 AM, Cactus Harlow said:

1-2 times a week. But if I am not feeling like sex, I will gladly use a toy on her. 

In the context of a monogamous relationship, this can potentially be reasonable. Many couples survive mild frequency mismatches by doing what you describe because the person with the higher libido understands that their partner just has a lower libido and it has nothing to do with them. My husband does this sometimes (he doesn't feel like having anything for himself, but offers to do something for me) and it's fine with me.

On the other hand, if you are having an open R but only desire sex 1-2 times a week with your primary (while still having sex with other people) and she wants much more than that, it can be hard for her to accept this. Because you clearly want to have more sex... just not with HER. That can feel very personal. I know you said that she asked for the open R, but it doesn't change this fact.

How much communication have you had with her re: her feelings on sex, the open relationship lifestyle, and the state of your relationship in general?

Edited September 10 by Els

[Leihla_B]

On 9/8/2024 at 11:47 AM, Cactus Harlow said:

On 9/8/2024 at 11:36 AM, Gaeta said:

...Hsv1 ...when it's [transmitted] below the waste, after the initial outbreak, it rarely comes back.

I have told her that, but she feels like I'm minimizing it. ...

I'd re-raise this. I'd stress to GF that she's taking for granted my love for her, which inspires my willingness to 'minimize' this virus in favor of working through it together.

I'd point out that, while I can understand her need to work through her grief, she must also consider that I'm the one who is voluntarily staying rather than walking away. However, my decision can change if she continues to treat me as her adversary rather than viewing us as being on the same side.

I'd give her until tomorrow to tell me whether she opts for us both to stay and manage this as a team. I'd provide her with a list of 3 couples counselors from which she can choose and set up our first session if she decides to stay together.

This decision allows her to recognize this as HER choice rather than something you're imposing to gang up on her. However, if she refuses the professional help, you are left with a decision whether to struggle forward in misery with someone who is too damaged and self centered to value you and your sacrifices as her partner.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

EDIT: The reason for couples rather than individual counseling is that a qualified professional can recognize and refer her to individual counseling, even while you remain in the loop and benefit from working with a couples counselor together.

Edited September 10 by Leihla_B

[bpb2017]

On 9/8/2024 at 3:31 AM, Cactus Harlow said:

We have an open relationship

There is your problem.

[BreakOnThrough]

You're dating a vacant vessel, or a filled one depending on how you look at it.

[smackie9]

I get it it's hard to find someone that accepts open relationships that also ticks off all your boxes and feel passionate about. She is a complicated case for sure. Her anxiety isn't making things easy for her...she's all over the place, so a mere suggestion may seem like an attack from you. How to approach? Ask your therapist to find the best way to approach her, showing the most compassion for her situation. Feeling understood is the key.