Is this a red flag that I should have seen and then ended?

[Gebidozo]

22 hours ago, fred123 said:

The funny thing I noticed about dating and women is that they do treat men differently when they like them. The values do change. Iv been on both sides and seen it. A girl who is into a guy wouldn't say or talk like that. Even I'm sure she knows this too. She even said herself if she had a crush on a guy she would be happy to get her wallet out

Of course women treat men differently when they like them. It happens because they like them. All normal human beings are like that, we are nicer to those we like more. What does this have to do with values? When a woman spends more money on a guy she likes or sleeps faster with a guy she likes, her values don’t change. She just likes the guy more and therefore does things differently with him than with other guys she likes less. 

[basil67]

On 9/11/2024 at 3:28 AM, fred123 said:

I understand that. Yes it's my ego probably. I don't want to be that guy- sexond option etc when I know she treats guys she likes differently that's all

But your insecurity is so extreme that you're thinking about being butthurt instead of what you were asking of the woman.  Doesn't hindsight make you realise just how ridiculous and unsafe this situation was for a woman?   

At what point does commonsense override your insecurities?

 

Edited September 11 by basil67

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course women treat men differently when they like them. It happens because they like them. All normal human beings are like that, we are nicer to those we like more. What does this have to do with values? When a woman spends more money on a guy she likes or sleeps faster with a guy she likes, her values don’t change. She just likes the guy more and therefore does things differently with him than with other guys she likes less. 

I think the values are more about reporting this stuff to the next guy--and why.

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I think the values are more about reporting this stuff to the next guy--and why.

Yes, these are pretty dubious values, but my point is that a woman’s values don’t change because she treats men differently, as the OP suggested. If they are high, they stay high. If they are low, they stay low. How much a woman is willing to sit on someone’s lap and how fast she decides to sleep with someone has nothing to do with her values changing and a lot to do with how much she likes the guy in the first place.

My problem with the OP’s statement is that it attempts to cast a morally negative light on that woman because she slept with someone else faster than with the OP.  It’s part of the fundamental flaw in his reasoning. He is trying to explain that woman’s behavior in ways that would help his bruised ego heal faster. He either wonders whether the whole thing could have been salvaged had he acted differently (“Was I right to be offended?” “What would you do?”) or blames it on the woman’s moral deficiency (“women”s values keep changing”). Apparently, he’s having a hard time accepting that she simply wasn’t that much into him and liked some other guy more than him.

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Apparently, he’s having a hard time accepting that she simply wasn’t that much into him and liked some other guy more than him.

But, even if she liked the other guy better she remains a 'user'. She may act all lovey dovey with the other guy but a user doesn't stop using, she will eventually use the guy she liked better. 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But, even if she liked the other guy better she remains a 'user'. She may act all lovey dovey with the other guy but a user doesn't stop using, she will eventually use the guy she liked better. 

Exactly. Her values don’t change. Instead of torturing himself over what could have caused her behavior, the OP should simply understand that 1) She liked the other guy better 2) Her values were never high to begin with.

My problem with the OP’s reasoning is that he seems to judge a woman’s values by the amount of time elapsed until she sits on guys’ laps or sleeps with them. 

[basil67]

On 9/11/2024 at 3:34 AM, fred123 said:

The funny thing I noticed about dating and women is that they do treat men differently when they like them. The values do change.

And men treat women differently when they like us.  And it's not a change in values, it's a change in behaviour according to the level of romantic interest

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

My problem with the OP’s reasoning is that he seems to judge a woman’s values by the amount of time elapsed until she sits on guys’ laps or sleeps with them. 

I've asked Fred a couple of time in this thread what are the qualities he's looking for in a woman and he doesn't reply. I don't think Fred sees women as human beings with qualities. I think he sees women as a thing he wants to acquire.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've asked Fred a couple of time in this thread what are the qualities he's looking for in a woman and he doesn't reply. I don't think Fred sees women as human beings with qualities. I think he sees women as a thing he wants to acquire.

Unfortunately, many men struggle to accept the simple fact that any woman can reject them just because she choose to. Such men must find some sort of a reason because they still view women as mechanisms that predictably react to their actions, rather than agents of their own free will. And depraving a human being of free will is exactly that, viewing them as objects. 

[fred123]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've asked Fred a couple of time in this thread what are the qualities he's looking for in a woman and he doesn't reply. I don't think Fred sees women as human beings with qualities. I think he sees women as a thing he wants to acquire.

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want. Yes maybe you are all right and accepting that she is more into other guys than me that's why she treated them better or kissed them or spent more time or slept with them quicker.  Yes maybe I wish i was one of those guys she was really into.

I'm working on all this with my therapist atm

[fred123]

On 9/10/2024 at 2:22 AM, Leihla_B said:

 

I wouldn't have this kind of conversation in the first place. Discussing details about what prior men have purchased for me, or what I have bought for them? That's crass. It sounds like a transactional conversation between a hooker and a john.

It appears that you are accustomed to offering relationships based on material transactions. If you believe that the only way to attract women is to imply that you are wealthy and can buy them, then the only women who will be interested in you are the ones who want to use you to be bought. And that's how they will treat you--like an ATM at The Bank of Fred.

Have you ever avoided disclosing your financial position with potential dates and just asked a woman to meet you for a simple cup of coffee to get to know one another as human beings?

Yes. Sometimes you talk about things like this with people. Like in conversation  oo what did u do this past valentines. 

But one cant help and compare and one doesn't want to be a simp. 

Imagine that I did drop this girl to the airport that morning. Then I find out that she went on a date with a guy whilst on vacation.  Isn't that like rude? And not a nice?  Thank God I didn't drop her

[basil67]

6 hours ago, fred123 said:

But one cant help and compare

People who have good self esteem don't go comparing.   And why compare yourself to a failed relationship anyway?  Obviously, it wasn't good enough to sustain, so it must have been incompatible anyway

Quote

and one doesn't want to be a simp. 

You're already well and truly there: desperate to be liked by women who treat you badly, comparing yourself to their previous dates, and spending far too much money on them.

Quote

Imagine that I did drop this girl to the airport that morning. Then I find out that she went on a date with a guy whilst on vacation.  Isn't that like rude? And not a nice?  Thank God I didn't drop her

Why are you ruminating over something which didn't happen?   

Edited September 14 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, fred123 said:

But one cant help and compare

Absolutely untrue. Confident people don’t worry about comparison. They know their own value and what they have to offer.

 

9 hours ago, fred123 said:

one doesn't want to be a simp. 

Sorry, but you are already behaving like a “simp”. You date women you don’t even like and who don’t even like you. You’re insecure and obsessed with comparison to other men. You are full of doubts and are afraid of stopping a date that makes you miserable and depletes your pockets for no reason.

 

9 hours ago, fred123 said:

Imagine that I did drop this girl to the airport that morning. Then I find out that she went on a date with a guy whilst on vacation.  Isn't that like rude? And not a nice?  Thank God I didn't drop her

You should do or not do things following your own inner conviction and your principles. What some girl you barely know would or would not do is entirely irrelevant.

Your entire line of reasoning feels like something out of a schoolboy’s mind. Sorry to be so blunt, but man… You need to grow up!