Fiancée got blowjob from ex-wife in an attempt to keep his children around

[Rataphelia]

Hey guys.

This is my first time posting on a forum like this and I'm looking for some advice.

Before I get into the actual event, I'd like to provide some backstory. My fiancée and his ex were together for 7 years, married for 2, before he divorced her. According to him, throughout the 7 years of their relationship she had abused him physically, mentally, and emotionally. He would go out to go fishing or ride his motorcycle and when he got home she would fly into a rage and hit/punch/slap him in the face/chest/arms, etc. She manipulated him into feeling like it was his fault forbher being upset. When she found out he was leaving, she punched him in the face, splitting his lip and knocking one of his front teeth loose. He left the house and went to stay with family. We met about a year later at work, and hit it off, but took it slow as he was still recovering from the abuse. She has used the children repeatedly as pawns to force him to do something for her that he legally does not have to do, but she threatens to take him to court to take the kids from him and he's terrified she will win, so he does them even though she has no basis for taking custody.

My current partner, who I'll call H, and his ex-wife, who I'll call X, have been less than agreeable when it comes to childcare/custody schedule. I recent found out (yesterday at around 11:00 AM) that she had given him 3 blowjobs while he was at her house dropping their youngest off as a "favor" to keep the children around.

According to him, H dropped his youngest off and X asked him to help her with something in the bedroom. H went in and attempted to help X put a painting or something up on the wall. When the youngest started crying, H went out to check on them and X asked him to finished helping her in the bedroom. When H went back into the bedroom, X pulled H's pants and boxers down and began performing oral on H. At this point, I called H to ask what was taking so long. He declined my call, texted me saying it was taking longer than usual to talk to X, came on X's chest, and left.

 

The second time, H was picking the kids up from X's house. While sitting on the couch talking about their oldest's school schedule. During this conversation, X began groping/massaging H from outside the pants he was wearing. At one point, X pulled H's pants down, took her shirt off, and began performing oral on H in the living room. H, again, came on X's chest, grabbed the children from their beds and went out to the car to leave. 

The third time, H was dropping the youngest off at X's house again. According to him, he went to the bathroom before leaving the house and she cornered him and began undressing to take a shower. X again pulled down H's pants and began performing oral on H, but stopped and began rubbing her butt on him to try and convince him to have sex. H pushed X off and said "I will never have sex with you again. The most I will do is this." She "understood" and began performing oral again. For the first time, he was unable to stay erect and had to finish himself on her chest again before leaving.

 

He finally told me yesterday that it had happened within the past 2 weeks and he began crying profusely and promising me that he only did it because he was scared of losing his kids. He said that he rationalized it out to be the same as when he's watching p*rn and it wasn't real, just a means to get off. I truly do believe he is remorseful and feels guilty for his actions. I do believe that the prior abuse that she inflicted on him had a big part in him not fighting back. He told me that after each time it happened, he cried and told her he felt guilty for doing it. He's let me look through his phone, and there is zero evidence of him doing anything like this with anyone else. I'm inclined to forgive him, but I wanted advice from people who had gone through this before or had a different perspective I could look at. 

Thank you so much for the advice.

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Rataphelia said:

he only did it because he was scared of losing his kids

It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense that she'd give him a sexual favour so that he can have access to the kids.    Why are you giving such a nonsensical story the time of day?

.

[Gebidozo]

25 minutes ago, Rataphelia said:

I'm inclined to forgive him

It’s not about forgiveness, it’s about whether you really want to be with a person who is either a shameless cheater and liar or an unstable, emotionally unavailable man who is still in an abusive, codependent relationship with his ex wife.

No sane man would ever be intimidated or bullied into receiving a blowjob for any reason whatsoever. Either he did it because he liked it, and then he is a cheater and a liar, or he did it because he was scared, in which case he needs to be left alone and dedicate all his time and mental effort to prolonged therapy sessions.

In both cases, I don’t see why you would want to date such a man, let alone marry him eventually.

[S2B]

I wouldn’t marry him. He’s likely to always cheat with her. He’s a willing one if she literally got his pants off three times - he wants to do this.

 If he didn’t want to - he would be meeting her on the corner to exchange kids - where everyone can see them.

but he keeps going there knowing he is going to get extra goodies even if it means betraying you.

he could have stopped - but he’s a willing participant.

I would actually no longer see him.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Rataphelia said:

I'm inclined to forgive him,

Bad idea. 

He thinks you are dim enough to believe his stupid excuses. (And they are utter BS; eevn though you don't want to see that yet) That alone would have me kicking him to the curb. The cheating is a deal-breaker as well. I could not tolerate being treated like a dummy, as he's trying to pull with you. I could not tolerate this infidelity, as he's also trying to pull on you. 

Get rid of this man. He's no good and there's probably much more to his cheating than he is admitting to. You will regret hanging on this clown, mark my words. 

[Els]

Out of all the worst excuses I've seen for cheating, this gets a 10/10. So he had one-sided sex with her (one-sided to HIS benefit, I might add!) just so he could "keep seeing his kids"?? 🤣 If he was giving HER oral at least it would be a marginally less stupid excuse.

Here's a hint: There's absolutely no shortage of dicks out there willing to receive free BJs from anyone (and I do mean ANYone). If the ex-wife really feels like she NEEDS to give a BJ right now, she could go out and have a taker in 5 minutes.

[Rataphelia 2]

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, Rataphelia 2 said:

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

Err… you do understand it’s not about X, don’t you? It’s about your fiancé, who invents idiotic excuses for a blatant act of cheating. 

[S2B]

56 minutes ago, Rataphelia 2 said:

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

Good to know. Suggestion still stands. You will be eternally miserable if you stay with this cheater. She will always be a part of his life since they have kids together. You should be leaving him instead of finding excuses for his cheating.

[stillafool]

Why hasn't he seen at attorney to set up child support arrangements and joint custody.  She can't take his children from him without a good reason.  He needs to see an attorney.  The rest of the story sounds like lies and excuses he's made up to cover his cheating with her.

[introverted1]

H needs to wear a belt so it's not so easy for X to just pull his pants down without his help/agreement.

C'mon, OP.  Do you really believe this ridiculous story?  

Also, why did you call DCF?  This suggests that X is an abusive or unfit parent, in which case H should be petitioning for full custody, not "allowing" X to give him blowjobs as some sort of appeasement strategy.  

[S2B]

Why would he keep going back to her place? 
why wouldn’t he report it as assault?

looks like he wanted more of what she offered him. But I don’t believe him - he looks like a willing participant.

if she is that bad a parent - why would she have the kids? Didn’t she have supervised visitation?

why do t they exchange the kids at the local police dept the way most parents do when there is tenuous scenarios?

why would you stay with him?

 

[Nellea]

He’s lying. 

Can you see an adult woman actually say out loud “I am going to take the kids from you unless you let me give you 3 blow jobs right now”

Is this a bad porn script he watched once? 🫣
 

I’m sorry but it really sounds made up.

If it’s not, then he should go back and record her - then send it in to court. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Rataphelia 2 said:

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

Why did you create a new username?

Story smells off. 

[S2B]

What was her other username?

[introverted1]

40 minutes ago, S2B said:

What was her other username?

Rataphelia, without the 2.  In the OP.

[Els]

On 9/10/2024 at 12:21 AM, Rataphelia 2 said:

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

So.....?

[Acacia98]

Even if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume everything happened exactly as he says it did, he would be a completely unsuitable relationship partner for anyone.

The conditions that he says led to the oral sex are still in place. In other words, it can and will happen again and again. Are you going to keep having a crisis and forgiving him each time it happens?

And then there's this:

Quote

X again pulled down H's pants and began performing oral on H, but stopped and began rubbing her butt on him to try and convince him to have sex. H pushed X off and said "I will never have sex with you again. The most I will do is this." She "understood" and began performing oral again. For the first time, he was unable to stay erect and had to finish himself on her chest again before leaving.

So this guy is sufficiently empowered to refuse to have PIV sex, but he can't say no to oral sex? And when he lost his erection, he was invested enough to do something else that would ultimately make him ejaculate? And what on earth was he doing in the same enclosed space as his abuser in the first place?

Look, OP, for all practical purposes, this man is still in a relationship with his ex. I have no difficulty believing that it was/is an abusive relationship. But it is also clear to me that he has almost nil boundaries when it comes to this woman. He clearly was not ready to start a new relationship with anyone. He never actually did what he needed to do to end the first relationship once and for all. 

Edited September 11 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

On 9/9/2024 at 10:21 AM, Rataphelia 2 said:

As background to anyone reading this X was upset because I called DCF on her and was trying to get back at me for it.

Why did you call DCF on her?

[stillafool]

On 9/8/2024 at 8:16 PM, Gebidozo said:

No sane man would ever be intimidated or bullied into receiving a blowjob for any reason whatsoever. Either he did it because he liked it, and then he is a cheater and a liar, or he did it because he was scared, in which case he needs to be left alone and dedicate all his time and mental effort to prolonged therapy sessions.

I agree.  He must have been aroused or she couldn't have done it.  That should tell you something.

[Sony12]

This story sounds like something out of a porno video created by someone who is using multiple different accounts.

Edited September 14 by Sony12

[Gforce77i]

Wow, what a story....

Once its happening, no man is stopping it. There's no other excuse or story, simple.

[Gforce77i]

On 9/12/2024 at 5:58 PM, stillafool said:

I agree.  He must have been aroused or she couldn't have done it.  That should tell you something.

He was 100% aroused and 100% loving it, then after he climaxed over her tits, 100% regretted it. But not enough to do it a few more times. I'm sorry, I'm calling bullshit.

The x is getting a thrill from doing it knowing she's getting one over on the other woman, simple.

Edited September 16 by Gforce77i