Reaching out to an ex - or not?

[danguitartart]

Hi folks,

I've posted on here a couple of times before about my anxiety in a previous relationship:

and the subsequent breakup:
 

A quick recap - a week after we broke up I accidentally called her via WhatsApp (as ridiculous as it sounds - I clicked on her profile pic and rang her...so she called back), and we agreed to meet. As the attraction was as insane as it was when we were together, one thing led to another and we got back together.

A couple of weeks passed, she went into hospital for a kidney complaint, and when she came out we had a disagreement over social media...so she ended it this time around via WhatsApp (she sent me a list of everything I did "wrong" in the relationship). She also said she needed to focus on healing, her career (she was in the process of finding a job and starting a small business) and couldn't be a girlfriend to anyone at that time...so that was that. She sent a subsequent message the next day saying she'd like to be friends, but I ignored both messages due to being hurt and confused.

A couple of weeks later I wrote to her saying that I didn't necessarily agree with everything she'd said in the WhatsApp, but I did agree we weren't good together. I said I'd like to be friends too, but I never heard back from her after that.

I've been having therapy and I'm aware I have anger issues, which reared their ugly head in the relationship. She wasn't perfect by any stretch - I was triggered by what I interpreted to be narcissistic behaviour and deep insecurity, but I accept some of my behaviour was unacceptable.

So my question is this - part of me would really like to reach out to apologise for the role I played in the breakup of our relationship, but definitely NOT to ask her back. I know most relationships never present opportunities for closure after they end, but I wanted to send a message from a place of love to say that I've become more aware of my issues and how they adversely affected the relationship.

Of course, she played a part in the breakup too, but the intention of the message or perhaps meeting over a coffee would be an apology.

In your opinion, and if it's done from a place of love and not blame, would reaching out be a good idea?

I'd love to hear you thoughts...

Edited September 9 by danguitartart
Grammatical error

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a can of worms not worth opening. 

You two have now broken up twice. It's time to put it to bed (even if you intention is not to reconcile)  Reaching out like this risks stirring the emotional pot for both of you, and you may not reap the benefits.  

[danguitartart]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a can of worms not worth opening. 

You two have now broken up twice. It's time to put it to bed (even if you intention is not to reconcile)  Reaching out like this risks stirring the emotional pot for both of you, and you may not reap the benefits.  

You're right - I think I'm grieving what we had at the beginning and the potential of what could have been. My therapist said not to beat myself up as we were both at fault, but I'm really struggling not to reach out, if I'm honest 😞

[flitzanu]

let's be honest.

i've been there, and done what you're doing, thinking that all you want to do is apologize because you feel like your behavior misrepresented who you truly are.

but it isn't really "just" an apology, because you are looking for a reaction, no matter how much you tell yourself you're not, you at least want your apology to be "seen" and replied to, and when she doesn't reply, it's going to make you angry and resentful and you'll be saying you regret sending it, she wasn't worth your apology, etc., and you'll be back where you started.

she didn't care enough the first time to stick it out and work through any problems, so it is even more unlikely that she cares about you now and is probably going to be annoyed that you reached out again when she ignored your last message.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

I'm really struggling not to reach out, if I'm honest 😞

Ask yourself this: 

How will you feel if she doesn't reply to you? Or replies negatively? Or says thank you but she's seeing someone else now and please don't contact her anymore?

Will you still be glad you reached out? I doubt it. The risk outweighs any hypothetical reward, in my opinion. 

[danguitartart]

15 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

let's be honest.

i've been there, and done what you're doing, thinking that all you want to do is apologize because you feel like your behavior misrepresented who you truly are.

but it isn't really "just" an apology, because you are looking for a reaction, no matter how much you tell yourself you're not, you at least want your apology to be "seen" and replied to, and when she doesn't reply, it's going to make you angry and resentful and you'll be saying you regret sending it, she wasn't worth your apology, etc., and you'll be back where you started.

she didn't care enough the first time to stick it out and work through any problems, so it is even more unlikely that she cares about you now and is probably going to be annoyed that you reached out again when she ignored your last message.

 

All very good points - I know I'm not in a good place at the moment, so any negative response from her would probably tip me over the edge. 

[danguitartart]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ask yourself this: 

How will you feel if she doesn't reply to you? Or replies negatively? Or says thank you but she's seeing someone else now and please don't contact her anymore?

Will you still be glad you reached out? I doubt it. The risk outweighs any hypothetical reward, in my opinion. 

You're right. I just keep thinking how complimentary she was about me at the beginning, and I'm craving and missing that. But I know reaching out won't bring that back 😞

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

I just keep thinking how complimentary she was about me at the beginning, and I'm craving and missing that.

So, if you're being totally honest with yourself, your sole motivation in reaching out is not just to apologize. 

You're hoping for some sort of validation or sign from her that she still wants you in some way. You're human and it's normal to miss those warm fuzzies, but this is not where you're going to find them. 

Head high. Push through the cravings. They will pass, and you will be glad (when you're in a stronger place) that you didn't cave in and try to contact her again. 

[danguitartart]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, if you're being totally honest with yourself, your sole motivation in reaching out is not just to apologize. 

You're hoping for some sort of validation or sign from her that she still wants you in some way. You're human and it's normal to miss those warm fuzzies, but this is not where you're going to find them. 

Head high. Push through the cravings. They will pass, and you will be glad (when you're in a stronger place) that you didn't cave in and try to contact her again. 

Thanks - the idea was to contact her when I'm through it and could handle the rejection or ghosting, but it's apparent that I'm not. And I thought I was until today. 

Yep, I'm missing the things she used to say, the way she used to look at me, the intimacy, the laughter, the dates...but I always knew something was off? So it's not her I miss, but the way she made me feel. 

Edited September 9 by danguitartart

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, danguitartart said:

I'm missing the things she used to say, the way she used to look at me, the intimacy, the laughter, the dates...but I always knew something was off? So it's not her I miss, but the way she made me feel. 

And this is important insight for yourself. 

Another woman can more than likely offer those same things, and more. This one wasn't right for you. 

[Leihla_B]

10 hours ago, danguitartart said:

In your opinion, and if it's done from a place of love and not blame, would reaching out be a good idea?

Nope, not a good idea. Even if it came from love-not-blame, there's an agenda attached to it. Otherwise, you wouldn't envision sharing coffee or even receiving an acknowledgment of any kind. 

A sincere apology isn't motivated by trying to obtain forgiveness or anything else beyond admitting wrong doing--and without excuses or explanations to temper the admission. Anything beyond an honest statement of regret for one's own behavior voids the apology because it converts it into a form of manipulation to achieve an outcome.

Edited September 10 by Leihla_B

[Nellea]

It feels like you still have hopes of getting back together. It’s a difficult situation. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all been hurt after a breakup.
 

There is no guarantee she would want to try again. I think it is ok to email her - once- just to get everything off your chest and say sorry. But if you don’t get a reply, you also need to be ok with that.

I know it’s hard to move on when you really have feelings for someone… so take your time and be kind to yourself. But please don’t hold out hope for this, if she does not reply and has no desire to communicate or be in contact. You need to live your life. 

[MsJayne]

17 hours ago, danguitartart said:

I was triggered by what I interpreted to be narcissistic behaviour and deep insecurity, but I accept some of my behaviour was unacceptable.

What did she do that warranted an aggressive reaction? 

[danguitartart]

36 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

What did she do that warranted an aggressive reaction? 

She was very wary of other females - two of her exes had run off with her so-called best friends. She didn't trust any of my close female friends, asked me twice if there was anything going on between my cousin and I (she's like a sister and family, obviously 😬), freaked out in a hotel bar because she felt intimidated by an attractive woman and thought I might see her...I unfollowed a lot of Insta accounts that she thought were unsuitable and out of respect for her...including friends. I felt under surveillance a lot of the time 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

asked me twice if there was anything going on between my cousin and I

And this is the same woman you want to contact? 

I am surpised you hadn't alrrady dumped her for accusing you of cheating and incest. What the hell, man. 

[danguitartart]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And this is the same woman you want to contact? 

I am surpised you hadn't alrrady dumped her for accusing you of cheating and incest. What the hell, man. 

She meant before we got together because I'm very close to my cousin...but I was offended because she's my cousin! 

When I was single I used to meet with a married friend and go for a walk and a coffee. Maybe it was blurring the lines a little, but my intentions were always just friendship and her husband knew we'd meet up for a chat and a walk. 

My ex didn't trust her at all, thought she was trying to move in on me. 

I tried to reassure her over and over that she was the only one I wanted, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears and my anxiety went through the roof. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, danguitartart said:

She meant before we got together because I'm very close to my cousin...but I was offended because she's my cousin! 

D'ya think?!

I wouldn't have continued dating someone who was disrespectful and unhinged enough insinuate I'd had a romantic encouter with my own dang family. They would be immediately been discared in the Reject Pile. 

 Why on earth did you not run screaming for the hills?

[danguitartart]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

D'ya think?!

I wouldn't have continued dating someone who was disrespectful and unhinged enough insinuate I'd had a romantic encouter with my own dang family. They would be immediately been discared in the Reject Pile. 

 Why on earth did you not run screaming for the hills?

I have no idea - I think I was almost trauma bonded to her, and the first couple of months were so wonderful that I couldn't see past that. The physical attraction was strong but it almost went past that into something toxic... 

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, danguitartart said:

I think I was almost trauma bonded to her... 

Good point. This might explain your impulse to apologize and stay connected with her. Toxic bonds are why some couples still find themselves still fighting through lawyers and courts for years after their divorces are finalized. They want to stay attached no matter the context.

Hash this out with your therapist to pinpoint some drivers of your intense attraction to people who are lousy matches. Explore ways to unhook yourself from these drivers, not only to liberate yourself from your attachment to this person, but also from the impulse to seek various versions of her in the future. Learn why healthy and secure women don't interest you in the way that someone who insults you does.

Edited September 10 by Leihla_B