Eveningprimrose Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 I’m 45 with 3 grown kids, iv been divorced from an abusive marriage for 13years and apart from one other failed attempt at a relationship decided to just concentrate on my kids, life and job. All of which I’m happy with and relatively successful, I havnt been interested in getting out there seeking anyone new, but I have been open to it and believed if love were to find me it would just happen. A committed trusting relationship is something I would like, it just hasn’t taken a priority nor happened . I won’t like online dating, it wouldnt work for me. The thought feels me with dread. I need to get to know someone first and then allow friendships to grow naturally. I’m very old skool But … I have now met someone (10years older) that I do like, through work (although not directly working) and he has also helped me out with little jobs around my own home that have needed doing (he is a tradesman) I have spent several months getting to know him. He has been single for about 4 years, as a single dad. And has shared a lot of personal stuff with me. when we are together we laugh a lot, i feel comfortable, there is always so much flirting which is out of character for me but yet so natural when I am with him, He always instigates hugs and we have a lot of physical contact., there is no invasion of personal space, We have just naturally become close. I’m not a big texter and neither is he, so text messages between us are very few but in our few messages he will greet me as his beautiful or lovely lady and reacts to messages with heart emojis but it does appear neither of us are comfortable texting so can’t push the conversation forward. He does ring me occasionally if he has a reason to and again because we are directly talking we are comfortable and end up talking for ages. He just feels like the right fit. What we have now is great, I enjoy his company. Which is why I’m so stuck. Having his friendship has bought a spark back in me I thought I had lost, I do want to try to lead it to more. I don’t want to rush, I want to enjoy it. there is mutual attraction without a doubt, but i have got myself really scared of rejection. And this nagging thought in my head that if he really wanted to, he would have asked me on a date already which I guess is a very legitimate thought to have. Im scared to put myself out there just to be hurt and rejected.I have spent so many years working on my peace but I don’t want to lose the friendship , I also don’t want to lose my opportunity if I did put myself out there and I get rejected Iv lost it all. If I’m not rejected it could be really great. People tell me they don’t think he will reject me but the thoughts as stated above take over. Is there a simple answer to this. I don’t wish to go back to being cold hearted and not feel anything for anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 4 hours ago, Eveningprimrose said: if I did put myself out there and I get rejected Iv lost it all We cannot gain great love without accepting a certain level of risk. It goes hand in hand and no one is exempt from it. If this man calls you his beautiful lady I doubt he would reject you unless he calls all women beautiful lady. You tend to dramatize this a little. There is nothing to lose here. This man doesn't make you or break you. Maybe he would have good reasons to not get into another relationship that doesn't mean your friendship would end. Rejection is part of life. It would mean though that you have to search love elsewhere. If I were you I would use humor to get my message across, next time he calls you his beautiful lady tell him you're starting to think he will never ask you on a date with a wink. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eveningprimrose Posted September 10 Author Share Posted September 10 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: We cannot gain great love without accepting a certain level of risk. It goes hand in hand and no one is exempt from it. If this man calls you his beautiful lady I doubt he would reject you unless he calls all women beautiful lady. You tend to dramatize this a little. There is nothing to lose here. This man doesn't make you or break you. Maybe he would have good reasons to not get into another relationship that doesn't mean your friendship would end. Rejection is part of life. It would mean though that you have to search love elsewhere. If I were you I would use humor to get my message across, next time he calls you his beautiful lady tell him you're starting to think he will never ask you on a date with a wink. that is quite smart actually, i should use humour. although ideally I would rather ask him out as a friend and let it do its thing naturally if it were to happen im so confident in all other areas of my life but this one has thrown me a little, i wasn't expecting it. i'm far too old to be worrying about this. i'm such an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 22 minutes ago, Eveningprimrose said: ask him out as a friend That would send him the message you are friendzoning him and it's what men fear the most when they're interested in a woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 (edited) 7 hours ago, Eveningprimrose said: I have now met someone (10years older) that I do like, through work (although not directly working) Congrats! Your whole post sounds lovely. Work is this man's 'respectful' barrier. Step up to break that FOR him. This doesn't mean stretching past your traditional values, it only means offering an invitation. There's nothing more traditional than that. Next time you're enjoying a relaxed conversation, segue the discussion toward inquiring about his private take on relationships in the workplace. You can mention a friend who has started dating someone within her industry. She believes that the work world has changed--she hasn't suffered the professional blowback she expected. Ask what he thinks about that. Thumbs up, and enjOy! Edited September 10 by Leihla_B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dear_intuition Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 Loss and rejection is a mental image you are taking to your idea of dating. It’s not real. It’s not happening. But if you decide that you will be rejected, you bet you’ll find proof of it and subconsciously do things that make it happen. You’ll also accidentally mentally manipulate your energy and the energy of anyone you date to make rejections real. (I’ve intuitively channeled this message because it’s what I do. Hope this helps you!) If you fear something it’s like telling your brain that it’s true. There is evidence for everything. If you tell your brain to find it, it will. Your brain is a master at finding details to prove to you what you must pay attention to so that it can help you. It’s designed to be vigilant about perceived dangers to protect you, It’s so good at this that it will look at your life like a magazine, picking out all of the possibilities for that danger. It will make a mental “vision board” of all the information that comes your way matching the perceived fear. Then you’ll see it and act on it. Even when it was never a thing. You will make it real. You will manifest that fear. Instead, decide what you want from dating. Make a list. Allow yourself to do the physical things for yourself that get you ready for dating. Feel great about yourself. Get dressed up, fix your hair, nails; whatever makes you feel more of yourself. Tell yourself all of the good things about yourself. If you say it is so, you’ll find evidence for that too. In that energy of knowing who you want to date and why, feeling good about yourself, and thinking that you’re great, your brain will find evidence for this to find matches (however you choose) that create this new story on its “vision board”. It’s designed to protect you and it’s designed to search out pleasure - also essential for survival. The brain is an amazing machine. Use it to your advantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eveningprimrose Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 Thank you for this very kind response. As a family we have been through several years of very traumatic experiences which has required a lot therapy for all of us and both my daughter and i have diagnosed ptsd. We have been working very hard to get through it through counselling and also spiritual work. I do a lot of meditation to help me keep my mind focused. There are still times where i go back down that dark hole mainly during the night but still able to function albiet exhausted. but this is something that i have learnt to live with and the past few years we have been thriving. i think this has just simply knocked me, he is the first person who i have been remotely interested in and i just dont know how to handle this. i have decided to just relax and what will be will be ... i secretly wish it will be in my favour Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 How old do you think you are? 43? Yes 43! It means your not young anymore so why worry on complicated stuff? Why don't you just enjoy the journey, let it be. Feel the romance in the air, enjoy the music of love. In other words, don't care in other things, if it works it works, if it not then it does not. Your already at age where you are ready for your retirement and ready to enjoy the fruit of your work. Why don't you just enjoy your life and not to complicate matters? Caprice? Link to post Share on other sites
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