Guilt holding a 'Backup' Friend

[awallauggie32]

36M, Married

Goal: decide to postpone, or keep a close friend/relationship

Please help!  I'm in a bit of an ethical bind and need help working through it.

I have a really good female friend I've known since kindergarten with tons of history (first kiss, romantic as adults, support during parents passing, said we'd get married someday, etc.) that has me in a bind.  I think there's unresolved feelings on both sides between her and I - she likes the emotional attention and I want to keep her as a potential 'backup' (as apparently relationships unexpectedly go south a ton these days).  I want to be there for her now during her emotional trials (ie aloneness during moves, etc.), but have guilt texting a really close friend/woman when my wife struggles with 'jealousy' and after many attempts shuts down when I try to have a healthy conversation together.  I also get attached (as I'm admittedly alone after a move too) and still have unresolved feelings for my friend to the point I texted her stating 'we probably didn't know how good we had it' with our relationship in the past' that went unacknowledged.  I truly love her as a friend, but is she using me as a crutch (not actually emotionally invested) and my goals to keep her around unrealistic and/or not worth my time/guilt (distracting thoughts one month a year) in the future?  I'm just stuck and can't get guidance from my best guy friend (ie is a bit aloof with finding a partner/romantic relationships), so any tips are very welcome as the guilt is mounting like crazy!  

Gut Feeling: Not ghost my female friend, see a counselor with my wife about opening up more. 

[S2B]

You aren’t being a good husband.

you also aren’t being a good friend - keeping her as your backup plan.

looks like using women to your own benefit is your method of operating. That’s mean to both gals.

at the minimum let your wife know your truth - she deserves to know how much you’ve been disrespecting her with this master plan.

I doubt you love her - you barely mentioned her (your wife!)

do work on yourself with a professional to understand how to be UNselfish and how to respect a woman you are with.

[Leihla_B]

You're choosing to call this woman a friend rather than an ex lover, despite having been romantically and sexually involved with her. That may be convenient, but it's also not accurate.

This isn't some moral finger-wag, because I can only speak for myself. My private rule is to never involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex--in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You are a prime example of WHY.

If you want to rationalize being disloyal to your wife, you'll use her jealousies as an excuse and a justification rather than reconciling that you knew about her jealousies long before you married her. A large part of her problem might be that she senses a disloyalty in you, and she's not wrong about that. So I understand the inconvenience of your wife seeing through you. Based on your choices and behaviors, that's not likely to change.

Good luck with that.

Edited September 10 by Leihla_B

[MsJayne]

The big, unasked, question in your post is, why do you think women are put on Earth for your convenience? No surprise that your wife is insecure, she's married to a guy who has zero respect for her and deep down she knows you don't give a s**t about her or the relationship. No wonder you expect your marriage to fail, I'm predicting it probably will when your wife wakes up and realises her gut-feeling has always been right about how deceitful and shallow you are. And then you'd be free to go marry your needy friend, so at least then she'd have her own husband instead of hanging around someone else's like a stinking fart that won't go away. 

[Gaeta]

You have children? then ask yourself how would that make you feel if your daughter was married to a man like you? A man that keeps another woman on speed dial as a back up. 

 

[basil67]

Not surprising your wife struggles with 'jealousy'.   You got some good gaslighting going on there

[S2B]

It’s not right to your wife and it’s not right to the single gal either. No wonder you feel guilty.

you are using them both and being completely unfair to them as well.

causing harm isn’t any way to live.

why would you marry your wife if you are pining after this OW?

[Gebidozo]

First of all, why are you calling that woman “friend”? She is something else entirely, essentially an ex that you still can’t get over. Worse, you’re actively keeping her as a “backup”. That’s emotional cheating of the highest order.

You’re saying your guilt is mounting like crazy? Well, it should be mounting. If you want it to stop, there are only two things you can do. Either divorce your wife and be together with that “friend”, for whom you clearly have romantic feelings; or, if you want to save your marriage, drop all contact with that other woman and focus on repairing your relationship with your wife.

Edited September 11 by Gebidozo

[S2B]

You obviously don’t respect your wife. You disregard her for this other woman.

tell your wife the truth so she knows who she’s really married to. Let her decide if she wants someone like that.

[Georgia46]

Who do you really love? 
 

you know the answer. 
 

Life is very short also… 

[BaileyB]

Which relationship do you value more?

If it’s your wife, you will end contact with the friend with whom you have unresolved feelings.

If it’s your “friend”/emotional affair partner, you should divorce your wife and move to your “back-up” plan. 

Staying in your marriage and continuing this relationship with your friend benefits one person - you. It’s not a kind or fair thing to do to either woman. 

Edited September 17 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 9/10/2024 at 4:38 PM, basil67 said:

Not surprising your wife struggles with 'jealousy'.   You got some good gaslighting going on there

The best quote I’ve heard recently applies here - “don’t blame me for your disrespect.” 

That pretty much what’s happening here - she is being blamed for his disrespectful behavior. She should feel jealous and insecure - her husband has a very inappropriate relationship with another woman. 

Edited September 17 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/10/2024 at 8:10 PM, awallauggie32 said:

my wife struggles with 'jealousy'

I can't imagine why. 

Good grief, man. 

[jasonblackheart01]

So...She's your spare parts in case your current relationship got to crap? Well anyway, as a man, I say your spouting BS. If You really care about her well being, you clearly need to cut her off in your life because your MARRIED. Your clearly baiting her in the illusion that you have some feelings as more than a friend on her which you don't  no? Your both clearly using each other but she's in the disadvantage because she's investing her feelings to you which is sad. You clearly know what you need to do which is stop being a douche and spare the woman of her feelings. 

[awallauggie32]

Op here. I see all your points and choose to own them. Thank you for those who gave constructive, not coward (hide behind a desk spewing toxic) comments who helped me work through this.