Retroactive Jealousy, My Wife, Her Friends and Her Ex

[texasguy1982]

My wife has a past. Of course, so does everyone else, me included. The issue here is a little different. She had a boyfriend on and off through part of high school and part of college, and she and he were pretty wild, in terms of typical partying, drinking, drugs etc, but also sexually. She's referred to it in the past, usually limiting it to general 'wildness' but her high school friends generally feel the need to comment on it too. And she definitely holds me at a distance when we're around those friends, even though we're in our 40s. Our sex life has certainly slowed down, but we've been married for a while and have a couple of kids. Am I crazy that this stuff bothers me? Is there a deeper meaning to it I'm missing or am I just being insecure? 

[Gaeta]

Does it bother you every day or just when her and her friend brings it up?

It's really bad taste to refer to this in front of you. I would ask her to not talk about this in front of you and to tell her friend the same.

I don't know anyone that would talk about their wild sexual past randomly in front of their spouse.

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

...her high school friends generally feel the need to comment on it too. And she definitely holds me at a distance when we're around those friends

Can you please clarify some thing? Is the ex BF present among these friends?

What do you mean by their "need to comment", and in what ways are you held "at a distance"?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

her high school friends generally feel the need to comment on it too. And she definitely holds me at a distance when we're around those friends

What kind of comments are they making, exactly? How often do you meet them? Why are they even discussing her past, what’s the context? Is her ex-BF among them? In what way is she holding you at a distance?

 

3 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

Our sex life has certainly slowed down

Is this the real problem? Are you satisfied with your sex life?

Regarding the topic - yes, retroactive jealousy is just being insecure, but I’m not sure this is a case of retroactive jealousy. Need more detail to understand the situation.
 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's really bad taste to refer to this in front of you.

Agreed. Your wife needs to assert better boundaries with her friends. In short, she needs to tell them to behave more respectfully toward her husband and chosen life partner. 

[texasguy1982]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Does it bother you every day or just when her and her friend brings it up?

It's really bad taste to refer to this in front of you. I would ask her to not talk about this in front of you and to tell her friend the same.

I don't know anyone that would talk about their wild sexual past randomly in front of their spouse.

It's gotten to the point that it bothers me every day - it's not something that's happened a bunch of times, but it's memorable when it does happen. 

[texasguy1982]

2 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Can you please clarify some thing? Is the ex BF present among these friends?

What do you mean by their "need to comment", and in what ways are you held "at a distance"?

No, no one in the group (or my wife) are in contact with the Ex. He lives in the same town as us, but we don't ever see him. 

I feel like they make these kind of comments (not just about my wife, but about each other) any time they get together. Maybe 'need' is not a good word. As far as the distance thing goes, my fear that my wife 'settled for someone safe' comes in part from how she sort of acts like she doesn't care that much about me in front of certain friends. 

[texasguy1982]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

What kind of comments are they making, exactly? How often do you meet them? Why are they even discussing her past, what’s the context? Is her ex-BF among them? In what way is she holding you at a distance?

 

Is this the real problem? Are you satisfied with your sex life?

Regarding the topic - yes, retroactive jealousy is just being insecure, but I’m not sure this is a case of retroactive jealousy. Need more detail to understand the situation.
 

 

I answered these in another comment. No the Ex is not present. No one in the group has any contact with him. He lives in our hometown, as do my wife and I, but I haven't seen him around since we moved back 10 years ago. She gets together with these friends a couple of times a year, usually once just girls and once with all of us as couples. 

They'll refer to how wild they all were, how much they partied, drank, ran around with guys, etc. When referencing my wife it's primarily about partying and how crazy she was about her ex, how obsessed she was, etc. They also talk about his dick size, which is super awkward. They'll also tell stories on each other, this certainly isn't targeted at my wife. As far as the distance thing goes, I've always felt she acts aloof to me around her old friends. 

No, I'm not satisfied with our sex life, and that's certainly part of it. It bothers me that she's held some of the fun/wildness/whatever back from me, but it also makes me concerned that she misses those years due to discontent in her current life. 

[texasguy1982]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Agreed. Your wife needs to assert better boundaries with her friends. In short, she needs to tell them to behave more respectfully toward her husband and chosen life partner. 

I think if I wasn't afraid I'd be surprised by what they said, or if it didn't some way reflect negatively on our relationship, I wouldn't care. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, texasguy1982 said:

They'll refer to how wild they all were, how much they partied, drank, ran around with guys, etc. When referencing my wife it's primarily about partying and how crazy she was about her ex, how obsessed she was, etc. They also talk about his dick size, which is super awkward.

Are they in middle school? This kind of behavior is very immature. I would never dream of doing this in front of my partner and I would not be impressed in any way if my partner behaved similarly when talking with his buddies in my presence. 
 

1 hour ago, texasguy1982 said:

if it didn't some way reflect negatively on our relationship, I wouldn't care. 

Clearly, he is not a threat to your relationship. 

If these comments have become a repetitive pattern of thought for you, something that you think about and something that bothers you every day, you would benefit from some counselling. As for your relationship, maybe couples counselling would help? It certainly sounds like she has some room for improvement in terms of how she should treat a partner - with respect, sensitivity, consideration and kindness. If you are not able to assert yourself and have the hard discussions with her, related to boundaries with friends and your frustrations with the relationship/your sex life, you may find it easier to have the discussion with a counsellor. 

Edited September 11 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

They'll refer to how wild they all were, how much they partied, drank, ran around with guys, etc. When referencing my wife it's primarily about partying and how crazy she was about her ex, how obsessed she was, etc. They also talk about his dick size, which is super awkward.

I’m confused.  You said you were all in your 40’s, but this is the behavior of particularly immature 15-year olds. Why on earth would you and your wife spend time with those people? 

I can’t imagine any partner of mine allowing others to talk that way about her and her exes in my presence. This is very disrespectful. Have you asked your wife to stop seeing those people, or at least make them stop such talk?

 

3 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

No, I'm not satisfied with our sex life, and that's certainly part of it. It bothers me that she's held some of the fun/wildness/whatever back from me, but it also makes me concerned that she misses those years due to discontent in her current life. 

That’s what I thought.

To me, it would be a definitive deal breaker if my partner withheld fun and wildness from me because she didn’t feel sexually open enough with me and missed the “wild” times because she wasn’t willing to recreate them with me.

This is not retroactive jealousy, it is a legitimate concern in both cases (your wife allowing friends to say lewd things about her in your presence, and your sex life being unfulfilling).

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

When referencing my wife it's primarily about partying and how crazy she was about her ex, how obsessed she was, etc. They also talk about his dick size, which is super awkward.

These women sound like they're very bored with their current lot and resort to clinging on to memories of a life they enjoyed more -  as if they're desperatley hanging on to their "glory days," and ithat's just cringe and embarrassing. But these comments about his unit are flat-out inappropriate. I would shut that down myself, if I were you. Make them feel awkward for continuing to bring it up. 

4 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

I've always felt she acts aloof to me around her old friends. 

Meaning what? She doesn't talk to you when they're around, or? You've mentioned this a couple times but I don't really understand she's doing exactly (or not) that triggers your insecurity here. 

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

They'll refer to how wild they all were, how much they partied, drank, ran around with guys, etc. When referencing my wife it's primarily about partying and how crazy she was about her ex, how obsessed she was, etc. They also talk about his dick size, which is super awkward.

They get a 10/10 for being crass, and 11/10 for immaturity. No one wants to sit around listening to a bunch of shrieking middle-aged women boring on about their youth. Personally, I drift off at the first sniff of someone ambling down memory lane, unless it's a truly interesting story or is relevant to a conversation, so this alone would make me view these gatherings with fear and loathing.

5 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

As far as the distance thing goes, I've always felt she acts aloof to me around her old friends. 

Teenager stuff. This would annoy me enough that I'd call the behaviour out and ask what the story is. 

[texasguy1982]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Are they in middle school? This kind of behavior is very immature. I would never dream of doing this in front of my partner and I would not be impressed in any way if my partner behaved similarly when talking with his buddies in my presence. 
 

Clearly, he is not a threat to your relationship. 

If these comments have become a repetitive pattern of thought for you, something that you think about and something that bothers you every day, you would benefit from some counselling. As for your relationship, maybe couples counselling would help? It certainly sounds like she has some room for improvement in terms of how she should treat a partner - with respect, sensitivity, consideration and kindness. If you are not able to assert yourself and have the hard discussions with her, related to boundaries with friends and your frustrations with the relationship/your sex life, you may find it easier to have the discussion with a counsellor. 

I've certainly mentioned that it made me uncomfortable or that it was weird, and I think my wife ultimately understands that, particularly when it pertains to sexual stuff. But to my knowledge she's never said anything to them about it. 

I don't feel like he is currently a threat, but if there's any longing for the past on my wife's part, it's certainly a possibility. 

[texasguy1982]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m confused.  You said you were all in your 40’s, but this is the behavior of particularly immature 15-year olds. Why on earth would you and your wife spend time with those people? 

I can’t imagine any partner of mine allowing others to talk that way about her and her exes in my presence. This is very disrespectful. Have you asked your wife to stop seeing those people, or at least make them stop such talk?

 

That’s what I thought.

To me, it would be a definitive deal breaker if my partner withheld fun and wildness from me because she didn’t feel sexually open enough with me and missed the “wild” times because she wasn’t willing to recreate them with me.

This is not retroactive jealousy, it is a legitimate concern in both cases (your wife allowing friends to say lewd things about her in your presence, and your sex life being unfulfilling).

You're 100% right on both counts. I've mentioned it to my wife, and I think she feels like they're not around enough for it to be worth it to make it awkward. Obviously there is a pretty bright line between reminiscing about the past, even in bringing up exes, on one hand, and then bringing up sexual things related to those same topics. 

I can't 100% say she's withholding stuff, but it certainly seems that way. Our sex life is something I've brought up before, but I've honestly never looked at it in the context of the past or anything like that.  

[texasguy1982]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

These women sound like they're very bored with their current lot and resort to clinging on to memories of a life they enjoyed more -  as if they're desperatley hanging on to their "glory days," and ithat's just cringe and embarrassing. But these comments about his unit are flat-out inappropriate. I would shut that down myself, if I were you. Make them feel awkward for continuing to bring it up. 

Meaning what? She doesn't talk to you when they're around, or? You've mentioned this a couple times but I don't really understand she's doing exactly (or not) that triggers your insecurity here. 

On the face of it, getting older means looking back on the 'glory days' at times, and all of our kids are getting close to high school age. I reminisce with buddies from high school too, and have a lot of laughs. I've gotten a lot of laughs from hearing my wife and her friends too, it's just a line that gets crossed every once and a while, and I don't like how my wife handles it. 

Regarding the aloofness, she doesn't do anything physical or otherwise to show that she and I are married. She's not a super-touchy person, but I feel it's especially the case around these friends. She also speaks to me in a different way - not rude per se, but not in the tone she'd use when we're at home, or even out with other friends she didn't know in high school.  

[texasguy1982]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

They get a 10/10 for being crass, and 11/10 for immaturity. No one wants to sit around listening to a bunch of shrieking middle-aged women boring on about their youth. Personally, I drift off at the first sniff of someone ambling down memory lane, unless it's a truly interesting story or is relevant to a conversation, so this alone would make me view these gatherings with fear and loathing.

Teenager stuff. This would annoy me enough that I'd call the behaviour out and ask what the story is. 

I think that's fair. Generally that's what I try to do when I can. There are other guys there (spouses of the friends) that didn't grow up in our town (my wife and I grew up in the same town, but went to different high schools, mine private hers public) and they aren't as clued in on the old stories either. 

I've mentioned to her how uncomfortable it is, but she doesn't think it's worth saying anything about, as them getting together is relatively rare and she wouldn't want to make it awkward. Which is rich considering how awkward it is for me, but to me it's easy to still have fun talking about how dumb you were in high school and not putting anyone in the position to feel weird about it. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, texasguy1982 said:

On the face of it, getting older means looking back on the 'glory days' at times, and all of our kids are getting close to high school age. I reminisce with buddies from high school too, and have a lot of laughs. I've gotten a lot of laughs from hearing my wife and her friends too, it's just a line that gets crossed every once and a while, and I don't like how my wife handles it. 

Agree, reminiscing is a common activity as people age. There is nothing inherently wrong with what they are doing, it just as you say -  crosses a boundary sometimes. 

And, it’s definitely not as much fun for those who were not part of the group way back when… Thats where a little consideration comes into play, just as people try not to talk about work when others present do not work for the same organization… they could limit or do their reminiscing at times when their spouses who were not a part of the group are not present. The fact that they do not do this is inconsiderate and shows bad manners. 
 

1 hour ago, texasguy1982 said:

Regarding the aloofness, she doesn't do anything physical or otherwise to show that she and I are married. She's not a super-touchy person, but I feel it's especially the case around these friends.

People have different comfort levels with physical affection in private vs with other people. I would suggest that it’s not really appropriate for her to be physical with you in the presence of her friends.
 

1 hour ago, texasguy1982 said:

I've mentioned to her how uncomfortable it is, but she doesn't think it's worth saying anything about, as them getting together is relatively rare and she wouldn't want to make it awkward. Which is rich considering how awkward it is for me, but to me it's easy to still have fun talking about how dumb you were in high school and not putting anyone in the position to feel weird about it. 

Maybe it’s not worth making a big deal of it if they don’t get together often. If the other men are there and they don’t have a problem with it, that suggests to me that this is primarily your issue. 

If it happens again, there are easy ways to deal with this… she could simply say to them “guys, let’s not have this discussion now…” and redirect the conversation. It’s difficult to understand why she doesn’t seem to be able to draw this boundary (probably because she doesn’t think it’s a big deal) and why you have built up so much resentment… A little consideration and communication would solve this problem in a way that respects and honours your relationship and the relationship that she has with her friends.

Edited September 11 by BaileyB

[texasguy1982]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Agree, reminiscing is a common activity as people age. There is nothing inherently wrong with what they are doing, it just as you say -  crosses a boundary sometimes. 

And, it’s definitely not as much fun for those who were not part of the group way back when… Thats where a little consideration comes into play, just as people try not to talk about work when others present do not work for the same organization… they could limit or do their reminiscing at times when their spouses who were not a part of the group are not present. The fact that they do not do this is inconsiderate and shows bad manners. 
 

People have different comfort levels with physical affection in private vs with other people. I would suggest that it’s not really appropriate for her to be physical with you in the presence of her friends.
 

Maybe it’s not worth making a big deal of it if they don’t get together often. If the other men are there and they don’t have a problem with it, that suggests to me that this is primarily your issue. 

If it happens again, there are easy ways to deal with this… she could simply say to them “guys, let’s not have this discussion now…” and redirect the conversation. It’s difficult to understand why she doesn’t seem to be able to draw this boundary (probably because she doesn’t think it’s a big deal) and why you have built up so much resentment… A little consideration and communication would solve this problem in a way that respects and honours your relationship and the relationship that she has with her friends.

I think you're right - it's more of a case of figuring out why it bothers me so much lately. It hasn't even happened recently (last time was maybe 6 or 8 months ago) - but I think it's all part of a larger feeling that she settled in some way. I need to figure out to what extent that's a me issue vs a we issue. I have not ever done couples therapy, but I have heard mixed reviews. 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

On the face of it, getting older means looking back on the 'glory days' at times, and all of our kids are getting close to high school age. I reminisce with buddies from high school too, and have a lot of laughs. I've gotten a lot of laughs from hearing my wife and her friends too, it's just a line that gets crossed every once and a while, and I don't like how my wife handles it. 

I hear, I have old friends and must admit that when we get together, we regress.

How does your wife handle this in ways that are objectionable to you?

Quote

Regarding the aloofness, she doesn't do anything physical or otherwise to show that she and I are married. She's not a super-touchy person, but I feel it's especially the case around these friends. She also speaks to me in a different way - not rude per se, but not in the tone she'd use when we're at home, or even out with other friends she didn't know in high school.  

Okay, her tone is addressable. You can point out that when she's cold to you in front of others, it reflects badly on both of you--including her--as well as the state of your marriage. I'd stick with discussing how she treats you directly because that's within her scope to manage. However, expecting her to moderate or censor the behaviors of others isn't reasonable. You can opt out of these outings if you'd prefer, but it's not up to wife to control fully grown adults on your behalf.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, texasguy1982 said:

You're 100% right on both counts. I've mentioned it to my wife, and I think she feels like they're not around enough for it to be worth it to make it awkward. Obviously there is a pretty bright line between reminiscing about the past, even in bringing up exes, on one hand, and then bringing up sexual things related to those same topics. 

I can't 100% say she's withholding stuff, but it certainly seems that way. Our sex life is something I've brought up before, but I've honestly never looked at it in the context of the past or anything like that.  

I think you need to have an honest, open, serious conversation with your wife about your sexual needs and why you feel that they aren’t being fulfilled.

Otherwise this won’t get better, you’ll develop pent-up resentment and that is never good. It’s very important to be completely transparent with other concerning sexual issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/11/2024 at 6:45 PM, texasguy1982 said:

On the face of it, getting older means looking back on the 'glory days' at times,

Yes, I get that. I'm around your age as well. 

However, I certainly wouldn't be reminiscing about former loves in front of my parnter, nor my friends' partners. That's just basic courtesy and it's quite disrespectful to do so. If any of my friends started discussing the size of my former boyfriends, dear lord, I would shut that down immediately and make it clear not to go there again. 

But it sounds like what is really underlying all of this is the lack of intimate connection you feel with your wife lately. You say your sex life isn't the best, and you are worried she's longing for former lovers. You two need to have a respectful and open conversation about your mutual sexual needs and satisfaction. 

[texasguy1982]

On 9/11/2024 at 5:36 PM, Leihla_B said:

I hear, I have old friends and must admit that when we get together, we regress.

How does your wife handle this in ways that are objectionable to you?

Okay, her tone is addressable. You can point out that when she's cold to you in front of others, it reflects badly on both of you--including her--as well as the state of your marriage. I'd stick with discussing how she treats you directly because that's within her scope to manage. However, expecting her to moderate or censor the behaviors of others isn't reasonable. You can opt out of these outings if you'd prefer, but it's not up to wife to control fully grown adults on your behalf.

I have mentioned these things before, but it usually falls on deaf ears. I agree regarding the friends - if they're determined to do it, I can't stop it or really expect my wife to. Again, I'm not sure their intent is to make things awkward, but who knows? 

I'm not judging anyone for regressing - I fall victim to that too, especially when I'm with people I grew up with that I no longer see in everyday life. I also don't think of myself as an overly sensitive person. 

[texasguy1982]

On 9/11/2024 at 7:23 PM, Gebidozo said:

I think you need to have an honest, open, serious conversation with your wife about your sexual needs and why you feel that they aren’t being fulfilled.

Otherwise this won’t get better, you’ll develop pent-up resentment and that is never good. It’s very important to be completely transparent with other concerning sexual issues.

I think finally having it out will be freeing. I think I've already got the pent-up resentment! 

[texasguy1982]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I get that. I'm around your age as well. 

However, I certainly wouldn't be reminiscing about former loves in front of my parnter, nor my friends' partners. That's just basic courtesy and it's quite disrespectful to do so. If any of my friends started discussing the size of my former boyfriends, dear lord, I would shut that down immediately and make it clear not to go there again. 

But it sounds like what is really underlying all of this is the lack of intimate connection you feel with your wife lately. You say your sex life isn't the best, and you are worried she's longing for former lovers. You two need to have a respectful and open conversation about your mutual sexual needs and satisfaction. 

Like other posters, you're spot on. I can't imagine me or any of my buddies having a similar conversation in front of our wives. 

I have addressed it in the past, and obviously should do so again.