Is there a chance for my long distance love and me

[Cayt]

I met my first love again through classmates.com in May of 2005. He lives in another country and had already scheduled his visit to the U.S. in October before I even met him again. He asked me to meet him for a reunion. In the months leading up to our reunion, I fell so deeply in love with him and he said he loved me. Through emails, chats and phone calls we kept in touch almost daily. We spent a wonderful week together and then he went back home. He has a lot of commitments in his life that he will continue to have. I on the other hand have none. He is married.. But I believe and I know that we are meant to be together. The question I would like to have advice on is should I go after him, so to speak? He has never cheated on his wife before and I know that. This sounds like and old story of cheating in a marriage but only he and I know how we feel about each other. He has also said that someday we could meet again. I believe he loves me, but his commitments are just that right now, commitments. Life is too short and I know we are meant to be together.

[bluetuesday]

i don't believe in 'meant to be together'.

 

i particularly don't believe in it when one of the people in this fantasy scenario has vowed to be faithful to someone else for the rest of his life.

 

this man is a cheat. that's a fact. he is also very probably a liar - i take it that he didn't tell the wife about his week with you? i don't care how much you feel he would never cheat or lie to you. that's what his wife probably thinks too. and she's got more cause to think it than you. they have a life together. a life he won't give up. a life he's committed to. anything else is a delusion. i understand it, but it's a delusion nonetheless.

 

move on. yes, i know that's hard. but he's married. to someone else. he went back home. to someone else. he is very probably right now in the arms of someone else.

 

this man was your first love. you'd be a fool to make him your last.

[justagirliegirl]

Bottom line

 

He isn't available for a relationship

[EMJ]

You had a lovely week, an escape from reality, which pretty much describes the nature of most extramarital affairs.

 

"He has a lot of commitments in his life that he will continue to have. I on the other hand have none. He is married.. But I believe and I know that we are meant to be together

 

What you know is called "wishful thinking", a syndrome perpetrated by the fantasy of having great conversations & sex with someone you don't have to see or deal with on a daily basis, in other words LIVE WITH IN THE REAL WORLD.

 

He has a lot of committments. True. A wife is a HUGE public committment that involves entire families, sometimes entire communities, depending on where you are from. Nobody walks away from that committment easily.

 

You on the other hand have none?? Why is that? Aren't you committed to a successful happy life at a minimum? That does not happen by getting involved with married people to whom you are an escape from reality, NOT their actual reality.

 

He did work it well though, the e-mails, calls, etc. Sounds like he knows what he is doing? Don't kid yourself that this is the first time for him. He sounds pretty experienced in these matters. You sound a little young. That's good. You can get over this is if you CHOOSE, and it's ALWAYS a choice. Or you can believe your fantasies about how "special and different" this situation is from any other. Your choice. You are smart enough to figure it out.

 

One last thing- "He has also said that someday we could meet again."

 

Sure, wait around for him to throw you a bone. But why? I think you are much better than this but just don't know your real value yet. A lot of people never do. Best wishes and good Luck.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Newbby HELP! We need an intervention!

[newbby]

well i think emj has said it all, great post!

how convenient it is for him that he lives in another country.

theres a thread somewhere in infidelity about cheating and how it is so easy to do, far away from home, where it is unlikely to ever be discovered.

it is tough to face, but better faced sooner than later

if you want to know the real truth, ask him to leave his wife. if you are meant to be together he will. unless that happens discontinue any future correspondence.

(hugs)

[Cayt]

I have gotten very good advice from people I don't even know. Thanks.

The thing is, will I take that advice? It is very hard for me because I am now 50 years old and this is really the first time I have loved anyone like this. I was married for a long time and that was a very unloving relationship. This guy swept me off my feet, so to speak. I will consider this advice given. In the back of my head I have always thought that he might have done this before, I even asked him before we were reunited again. He told me no, and I believed him. He said he only considered being with me, because it was me. His first time lover when we were sixteen years old. I don't like to think he played with my heart, but I guess I might have to accept that.

[newbby]

whether he played with your heart or not doesnt matter. it is very easy for a man to compartmentalise. the longer you continue to be piece on the side, thats exactly where you will stay. either you demand what you what from him, thus making yourself look like you think youre worth it, or you tell him by allowing this to continue that you are okay with being a piece of a$$.

whether he feels something for you or not, it can very easily be lost by you allowing him to disrespect you, and if it is lost it will not likely come back.

GET OUT NOW.

so what if your 50? you can be 50 and you can be used and miserable or you can be 50 and happy, independent or finding a decent guy. loads of people find love at 50+. that is just an excuse.

i know its not easy, but look after yourself, no one else is going to.

[Lil Honey]

Cayt: I was in a similar situation several years ago - right down to the knowing that we were meant to be together.

 

I met my first love again through classmates.com . . . He asked me to meet him . . . Through emails, chats and phone calls we kept in touch almost daily . . . He has a lot of commitments in his life that he will continue to have . . . He is married.. But I believe and I know that we are meant to be together . . . Life is too short and I know we are meant to be together.

 

I think that if you were really "meant to be together," you would have met accidentally - after a divorce or death of spouse(s). IOW, you would not have had to search for him online, etc., had it been in the hands of God or fate or whatever you believe in.

 

Keep in mind that you searched for him. He didn't search for you. This meeting and "relationship" would not have happened had you not looked for him.

 

He is married. That means that he is unavailable to you. And on the rare occasions that you would see him, you will be someone else's leftovers. You will always come after the wife and kids on his list of priorities.

 

{Edited to add: I think that, rather than this happening because it was meant to be, it happened because one or both of you aren't happy with the life that you have. A relationship won't fix that. Only each person working on their own happiness with fix that.}

 

Because I have been in a similar situation, I can say from experience that "meant to be together" is the mind's way of justifying something that you already know is wrong or won't work out or you are troubled over.

 

Let it go.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

This whole thing is wrong on so many levels. UGH! Why did I come in here? I'm just gonna say some things that some people don't want to hear, and then all the OW will gang up on me for not "understanding" that they are "soulmates" with some a**h*** who is cheating on his wife.

[Cayt]

Although I think anyone can express their opinion about certain things, that doesn't mean that will be taken seriously by everybody. So Jen Jen Heartbroken if you feel you should say something about my situation of loving a married man, feel free to do that. It sounds as though you might have been very hurt by someone in the past, and if that is true I can feel for you since I'm in that very situation at this minute.

[newbby]

so cayt,

how're you doing?

whats the plan?

[Cayt]

Thanks for asking newbby. Since October mm and I have been sort of communicating via email, not in the same way we used to of course. He doesn't write as often and I'm sort of waiting to write him when I can be firm enough, in my heart and mind to tell him I don't want to be in touch with him anymore. I know that is the best for me, I really do. Just carrying it out is the hard part. After all I have been through he has told me he still loves me in his own way, whatever that may mean. I just need to be strong enough to go on with my life and not have anything stop that.

[newbby]

writing to him to tell him you dont want to communicate with him is communicating with him. you owe him no explanations. just stop.

my aunt is 59 and has always gone out partying etc, she has just found love, with a very decent man, and is blissfully happy. your age doesnt mean anything. good luck and peace to you.