My (31M) girlfriend (27F) wants a prenup, but I don't

[alexkerr]

12 hours ago, Els said:

Huh? You make 6 figures and she pays most of the bills. How on earth do have you not saved a very significant nest egg to fall back on? Are you irresponsible with your money in general?

My ex was irresponsible with my money. We had a joint bank account and she would always drain it because she had a spending problem (always doing her hair, nails, buying unneeded subscriptions, clothes, bags, etc). I never had the opportunity to save with her so now I'm just starting. I do have a nest egg (25k in my bank account) but I would have been a lot farther if it wasn't for her. 

Again, that's in the past and I'm trying to move on from her but that was just the reality of the situation. She wasn't good with money at all so it's refreshing to have a woman who's independent and ambitious and I don't want to worry about money all the time because I have her to fall back on if something were to happen. 

[alexkerr]

12 hours ago, Els said:

Sorry, but that's an incredibly suspicious reason. Reading this, I'm not at all surprised she's trying to protect herself.

It's not suspicious. All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility. That's a huge payment and I couldn't do it by myself. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, alexkerr said:

It's not suspicious. All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility. That's a huge payment and I couldn't do it by myself. 

From what you say, you can't afford a luxury house on your own, so the mortgage would be joint.  Or in her name only.  You will not be responsible for a mortgage on your own if the mortgage is not 100% in your name

Stop being silly and cease with these impossible outcomes.   Have her get a prenup drawn up and get your lawyer to look it over.

[Andy_K]

2 hours ago, alexkerr said:

The reason I feel like there should be some deterrent to leaving the marriage is because nowadays people leave marriage for stupid reasons (just like my ex). To give my experience, we got into an argument and out of anger I told her that she wasn't the same person I married and after that she decided to divorce me over something so small and she threw me away after being together for over 11 years. She probably just got bored and wanted to move on with her life which is fine, but she didn't even try to work things out with me because I suggested marriage counseling/therapy after this fight but she refused and she moved out 3 nights after. 

You don't get it... your ex didn't divorce you over a single argument. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. She'd likely been unhappy or losing interest for a long time, and it just tipped her over the edge into action. You know what would have happened if there was a prenup if she was afraid to leave? Exactly the same thing, but with MORE resentment and unhappiness on both sides.

Your desire for a prenup comes from a place of insecurity and desire to control your partner and your future. You can't. Let go of it and embrace whatever is meant to be. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, alexkerr said:

It's not suspicious. All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility. That's a huge payment and I couldn't do it by myself. 

Then if you can't buy her out you sell it.

If l got married with a wealthy man l would never co-buy a luxurious house with him. If he wants that type if lifehstyle he can buy it. I will Proportionally provide to our living expenses with paying other bills. I would use part of my income to invest in my own assets. You're far from being in the street, you have a 6 figure income.

[Els]

7 hours ago, alexkerr said:

It's not suspicious. All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility. That's a huge payment and I couldn't do it by myself. 

You really need to talk to a lawyer, because you don't seem to have any idea of how things work. If her name is on the mortgage there's no way she can leave you solely liable for the mortgage without you voluntarily buying out her share of the house.
 

Quote

 

My thought process is that my current girlfriend would be less likely to threaten divorce without a prenup because she knows the consequences if she were to do that (divorce me). I don't want to ever have to be in a position where divorce is being threatened because my ex did it all the time when we fought. My point is that if me and my current girlfriend were to argue and we had a prenup when married, she would say things like "Well I can leave this marriage easily because we have a prenup and there's no financial consequences for me." 

I also don't want to feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around her to not make her mad because it's easier to lose her (she has her own money and life and doesn't depend on me financially). I feel like now I have to work extra hard to keep her because of that whereas I was more relaxed with my ex because she couldn't leave so easily as she depended on me. 

 

With all due respect, you don't sound anywhere NEAR ready to get married. If you're approaching this with such an adversarial attitude (and wanting to basically trap the other person financially into staying with you), why are you even getting married at all?

[Leihla_B]

8 hours ago, alexkerr said:

It's not suspicious. All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility. That's a huge payment and I couldn't do it by myself. 

Why not just write down all these fears of yours in a list to cover with your attorney AFTER reviewing the actual document? Then your atorney can legal'splain to you and address the clauses in the doc that protect you and build in revisions to the ones that don't.

You're hell bent on running your emotions before you actually see the agreement.

That makes no sense. You're not being served with a subpoena or an eviction--you're discussing what will be 'an agree-ment'. Meaning, if you don't agree, you won't need to sign it. Instead, you'll be able to negotiate the addition of changes that protect you, or you can walk away altogether.

Edited September 13 by Leihla_B

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, alexkerr said:

All I'm saying is that since she makes significantly more than me, there are some things that I wouldn't be able to maintain if we divorced. For example, let's say we buy a huge house together and she leaves me and now the house is my responsibility.

I’m sorry, but this statement shows such ignorance it’s almost unbelievable. 

This is exactly the reason why you visit a lawyer to draft an agreement prior to moving in/marriage. It will spell out exactly what your options are in the event of divorce. 

Educate yourself. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, alexkerr said:

My thought process is that my current girlfriend would be less likely to threaten divorce without a prenup because she knows the consequences if she were to do that (divorce me). If me and my current girlfriend were to argue and we had a prenup when married, she would say things like "Well I can leave this marriage easily because we have a prenup and there's no financial consequences for me." 

Dude, a prenup isn’t going to stop her from threatening or filing for divorce. She could wake up on a random Tuesday and decide that she no longer wants to be married - she can file for divorce at noon with or without a prenup. 

You think you can trap her into staying and being a good partner to you by not signing a prenup? That’s nonsensical.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, alexkerr said:

We plan on retiring early and moving out of the country and I hope that eventually me (and her) wouldn't have to work. 

Indeed, because you plan to live off her money…
 

10 hours ago, alexkerr said:

But I'm saying that it wouldn't really make sense for me to be paying for everything if she was sitting on millions.

Are you paying for everything now? Because, it sounds to me like you said she is paying your bills and finding your vacations already… so, I don’t see your concern. 
 

10 hours ago, alexkerr said:

How would it be fair though if her parents passed away and she got her inheritance money and just kept it all to herself?

Why exactly do you feel entitled to her family money?

 

[bpb2017]

8 hours ago, Andy_K said:

Your desire for a prenup comes from a place of insecurity and desire to control your partner and your future.

This is it.

[bpb2017]

12 hours ago, alexkerr said:

The reason I feel like there should be some deterrent to leaving the marriage is because nowadays people leave marriage for stupid reasons (just like my ex). To give my experience, we got into an argument and out of anger I told her that she wasn't the same person I married and after that she decided to divorce me over something so small and she threw me away after being together for over 11 years. She probably just got bored and wanted to move on with her life which is fine, but she didn't even try to work things out with me because I suggested marriage counseling/therapy after this fight but she refused and she moved out 3 nights after. 

I don't think it would be fair for my current girlfriend to have it that easy to leave without trying to work things out. That's why I feel like the prenup is an easy out because she could cheat on me and just leave the next day and it would be so easy. At least when people don't have prenup there is consequential thinking and there's more at stake so she would likely try to work things out with me since it wouldn't be so easy to leave. That's my standpoint. 

The reason stated is never the real reason and breakups are never easy.

For example us guys, would we break up with a long term gf over just 1 dumb reason? No. She would have done many things that annoyed us, maybe let herself go, and in the end it's best to just come up with something stupid as a reason so you don't have to explain because breakups are already hard enough. It would be the same for women, and perhaps this is why it gave you the impression of being dumb or out of nowhere.

What would be at stake to her is her marriage or relationship to you, and how much it means to her, and should not be about having to lose financially. Making it difficult to leave just delays the breakup and prolongs the misery. This is more common with men that don't want to divorce their horrible wives due to losing their assets, and both end up living in misery.

Also by what you have said, it doesn't sound like you have a choice anyway.

Edited September 13 by bpb2017

[bpb2017]

A fair lawyer will also bring up things like what happens after 10 or 20 or 30 years of marriage (for example), maybe you are entitled to xx. Prenups can be a lot more fair than they are made out to be.