Long distance girlfriend's male language partner - update

[Centurion]

New thread, fresh slate and an update (see link below for what this is based on) 

So thanks to the advice I received in that thread, things got better. Both in my own head and the relationship. 
 

My girlfriend came to visit about a week after the thread was created and after a few days we went on vacation to a popular city here in Texas. Had a wonderful time. 
 

While on this trip, I had mentioned a particular word, “scamming”, because the part of town we were in. She then mentioned this guy and said he often gets scammed by people on the language exchange website we met on. I then had a mental meltdown. 
 

We sat down and I finally told her that her (seemingly) often mentioning this language partners name bothered me. She was very transparent. Handed me her phone and allowed me to browse the texts as much as I want. I didn’t see anything remotely concerning. I felt idiotic. And no, I did not ask to see her phone nor did I mention it or hint at it. She said (and verified this with the texts) that this male language partner knows that I’m her boyfriend and that if I ever have any questions about this in the future, then to please ask her. She was not mad or defensive about it. Probably more surprised than anything. 
 

In my mind, her letting me have free reign in that moment over her texts (again, I didn’t want it or ask for it) was the cherry on top. That’s as good as it gets for providing assurance that there’s no emotional affair non-sense going on. She also said (which she’s not wrong) that if there was some extra, non-faithful business going on, that I would not know about it. 
 

As it stands now, she rarely mentions the guy’s name unless it pertains to an upcoming scheduled call, she showed me her text correspondence, she was very transparent and seemingly honest, so there’s nothing to worry about. This should be a done deal. 
 

There is one thing though keeping me from completely burying this for good- 

In august, when a couple of days after she arrived at my house (and before our trip and our talk), she showed me her English workbook and needed helped on a particular page. She showed the pages where she needed help, and on one of them, she laughed and smiled and said “xxxxx helped me with this” 

 

A couple of nights ago, we were video chatting (we do this every night) and I asked her what she had planned for the next day. She listed a few things. Then said she has a call with this male language partner, kind of laughed and smiled, then said it’s been a couple of days since they had a call. And then she added his phone of 4 years is broken and he needs a replacement - she laughed and smiled after saying this too. 
 

If I had to bet everything, I’d say, as I’ve been told here, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s a ME problem. But with these two instances, why the laughing and smiling?

 

Thanks.

[Gaeta]

I think because she knows mentioning his name makes you nervous, the smiling/laughing is probably her way to lighten the conversation. When we smile or laugh we try to send the message all is fine. 

See, she opened her phone to you and you are STILL imagining all sorts of none sense. You need to address your 'you' problem. It's a matter of time before you have another melt down and she's not gonna put up with that for very long. 

[Centurion]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think because she knows mentioning his name makes you nervous, the smiling/laughing is probably her way to lighten the conversation. When we smile or laugh we try to send the message all is fine. 

See, she opened her phone to you and you are STILL imagining all sorts of none sense. You need to address your 'you' problem. It's a matter of time before you have another melt down and she's not gonna put up with that for very long. 

Well she did laugh/smile before we had the talk, when I looking at one of the pages in the English workbook she needed help with, she “xxxx helped me with this” (laughed/smiled). 
 

But yes, I need to get my issue under control.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

But with these two instances, why the laughing and smiling?

Either she is just trying to lighten the mood, or she smiles to cover an awkward, uneasy feeling. She now has to tiptoe around your insecurity and filter her speech in order to avoid making you jealous.

Showing you her phone messages is really an extreme measure to soothe your jealousy. Most women wouldn’t do that, and with a good reason: this is the first step on the path of killing real trust. When you need proof to believe someone, it’s no longer believing.

Please work on this issue of yours. Your GF is being exceptionally nice to you, but sooner or later your jealousy will make her regret she ever got together with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

But with these two instances, why the laughing and smiling?

Because she's a light-hearted and happy person, maybe? 

Cripes. I think this is a situation where she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. You are searching for confirmation bias, in other words. Because you are leading with fear, you are filtering every small and bening gesture from her as proof that your worst fear is true. But it seems she really couldn't have done more to prove that you are wrong. 

1 hour ago, Centurion said:

when I looking at one of the pages in the English workbook she needed help with, she “xxxx helped me with this” (laughed/smiled). 

The harlot! 

Seriously, man. You need to stop before you lose her. I dated a man like you once. He was dang-near convinced I had a thing for a local baista (I most definitely did not) I reassured him once. And then after that, I felt incredibly disrespected that he continued to insinuate I was into this guy. 

Keep than in mind. 

[smackie9]

It's still a "ME" problem...cut it out. She's aloud to enjoy another person's company and feel a friendly fondness...doesn't mean it's sexual/romantic. You can't govern how she expresses herself, egad. You are one jealous person. This will be your last chance of her being understanding...do it again and you will be kicked to the curb. She sounds like a lovely person don't ruin this for yourself. 

Edited September 12 by smackie9

[Leihla_B]

On 9/12/2024 at 10:04 AM, Centurion said:

...She showed the pages where she needed help, and on one of them, she laughed and smiled and said “xxxxx helped me with this” 

...And then she added his phone of 4 years is broken and he needs a replacement - she laughed and smiled after saying this too. 

...with these two instances, why the laughing and smiling?

The first instance seems to be laughing at herself for still needing help after already receiving help. The second sounds like she's being good natured about the delay and the freak reason for it. Maybe she believes people should keep their phones updated, so this is what can happen to a 4 year old phone...like, what did he expect?

You still sound like you're hovering about this guy. 

Edited September 13 by Leihla_B

[Centurion]

Thank you everyone for the insight. 
 

It will take a little time to answer each post. 
 

I agree, I need help and need to get out of my own way. 
 

Just to clarify/ask

1. If from here on out, she laughs every time she mentions his name, as one person said - it’s ok, because I need to be ok with my girlfriend having fondness with others? 
 

There is almost countless evidence that suggests I have nothing to worry about, as people here are saying. 
 

2. Just so I know, what would be the signs that I should be suspicious? I just want to know for my own sake, so I can correctly recognize what is a red flag and what isn’t. 
 

I am sleep deprived today so my thinking is incoherent and distorted. Thank you!

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Centurion said:

2. Just so I know, what would be the signs that I should be suspicious? I just want to know for my own sake, so I can correctly recognize what is a red flag and what isn’t. 

If something was going on she would have never ever handed you her phone. She would keep it face down at all time, you would not be able to borrow it for a call or just check the internet. She would delete her text with him. She would bring her phone with her to the washroom, or every room she goes.

I know, l was cheated on. Those are the flags.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Centurion said:

2. Just so I know, what would be the signs that I should be suspicious? I just want to know for my own sake, so I can correctly recognize what is a red flag and what isn’t. 

Suspicious of what - of your GF cheating on you? Depending on how well she lies, you’d get anything between very clear signs to no signs at all. Plenty of people have been cheated on and never saw it coming. You can’t control those things. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

If something was going on she would have never ever handed you her phone. She would keep it face down at all time, you would not be able to borrow it for a call or just check the internet. She would delete her text with him. She would bring her phone with her to the washroom, or every room she goes.

I know, l was cheated on. Those are the flags.

Just to add to this, I don’t think that needing to check the partner’s phone to alleviate suspicions is a good thing. She is entitled to her privacy and she didn’t have to show the phone to prove her innocence. She was just being extra nice and comforting.

[Leihla_B]

10 hours ago, Centurion said:

Just so I know, what would be the signs that I should be suspicious?

You are already poised for suspicion, so it doesn't mater what we say or she says--you're going to torture yourself regardless.

Good luck with that.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Centurion said:

Just so I know, what would be the signs that I should be suspicious? I just want to know for my own sake, so I can correctly recognize what is a red flag and what isn’t. 

You really don't trust this young lady, do you?

At this point, you're a red flag yourself. 

[Centurion]

I have already acknowledged I have my own issues! 
 

All I want to know, is that what does it (likely) mean if every time she ever says his name she laughs and smiles. I’m not saying I expect it to be good or bad. I just want to know what is means.

[Centurion]

9 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

You are already poised for suspicion, so it doesn't mater what we say or she says--you're going to torture yourself regardless.

Good luck with that.

This sort of comment doesn’t help. Just answer the question, please.

Edited September 14 by Centurion

[Centurion]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You really don't trust this young lady, do you?

At this point, you're a red flag yourself. 

I come from a family of cheaters and my brother was cheated on as well. I want to know what actual signs would be in general and particular to my case. I am able to differentiate. 

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, Centurion said:

I want to know what actual signs would be in general and particular to my case.

Listen, not that long ago I was in a somewhat tough spot mentally, insecure and irrationally jealous. My now-fiancée was working in another country for a month or so. One day she was so busy that she forgot to text me “good night” or something like that. I was going mental with worry and suspicions. I called my best friend and asked him the same question you did: is that a sign that she’s being unfaithful? If not, what would the actual signs be?

My friend sighed and said, “Do you think that if she really wanted to cheat on you, she’d give you a sign? On the contrary, she’s be extra careful to remember everything so as not to arouse your suspicions. Remember, if she wants to cheat on you there is nothing you can do. You can only trust her that she doesn’t. So relax and stop worrying”.

 

Edited September 15 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, Centurion said:

I come from a family of cheaters and my brother was cheated on as well.

So? I was also betrayed by an ex-partner. That doesn't mean I don't trust my current one. 

19 hours ago, Centurion said:

I want to know what actual signs would be in general and particular to my case.

Essentially the opposite of what your girlfriend has done. 

19 hours ago, Centurion said:

what does it (likely) mean if every time she ever says his name she laughs and smiles.

You realize none of us can answer that definitvely, right? We are not her. We cannot speak for what she is tihnking or feeling. We can only offer speculation, as many of us already have. Did you read the above responses to that question? 

19 hours ago, Centurion said:

I have already acknowledged I have my own issues! 

And what exactly are you doing to address your own issues? 

[Gaeta]

On 9/14/2024 at 10:00 AM, Centurion said:

I have already acknowledged I have my own issues! 
 

All I want to know, is that what does it (likely) mean if every time she ever says his name she laughs and smiles. I’m not saying I expect it to be good or bad. I just want to know what is means.

Many members have already answered, you might want to re-read your thread.

You sound terrified at the idea she could cheat. You are filled with anxiety for something that may never happen. You are living in a fake future that means you are wasting your present.

So she may cheat on you one day? So what? You will cross that bridge when you get there. You'll fix things or you'll breakup and move on. Several of us were cheated on and it didn't kill us, life goes on and we end up loving again.

[Acacia98]

On 9/14/2024 at 5:00 PM, Centurion said:

All I want to know, is that what does it (likely) mean if every time she ever says his name she laughs and smiles. I’m not saying I expect it to be good or bad. I just want to know what is means.

But how are we supposed to know what she means? It's human interaction. There are probably a million and one possible reasons for the smile.

[Centurion]

Well my girlfriend said that this guy (language partner) told her that he had been talking to a girl for two months and then once this guy (the language partner) told the girl that he lives with his brother, the girl ghosted him. 

 Nothing to worry about! 

[Centurion]

She laughs and seems a bit enthusiastic about her other language partner who is a 70-something year old man who is married and retired. My girlfriend is just very nice, friendly and outgoing. Never has anything negative to say about anyone and she smiles and laughs often… it’s who she is.

[Centurion]

Regarding the original topic- 

 

She would have never showed me the texts had there been anything going on. She even said, if she was to cheat or have something extra on the side, that I wouldn’t know. Which.. is true.

 

So, I’m making progress!