Need further advice

[Diane]

I posted a message a couple of weeks ago "Married to an alcoholic." Something happened over this week that pushed me to my breaking point. (Not as bad as cheating, but calling in sick to work, all day in a Strip Club and $600 dollars later!)

 

I had previously arranged to take a long weekend and visit my family before this had happened. I told him that when I went this time, I wasn't coming back. He said he understands, because he doen't see himself quitting. He also said he loves me very much and doesn't want me to go. I have been with him for 10 years (since I was 18) and I am very nervous and hope I'm making the right decision.

 

Any thoughts?

[midori]

I told him that when I went this time, I wasn't coming back. He said he understands, because he doen't see himself quitting.

This says it all I'm afraid. I was once involved with an alcoholic. It took me more than a year to realize that as much as he claimed to adore me, to admire me, blah blah blah, he wasn't going to change his habits. He "stopped" for a week or two at a time but then dove right back into it, deeper each time. There is no solution other than to leave. He's not going to make it easy for you by refraining from saying "I love you." He might well love you -- but it doesn't matter because his alcoholism far outweighs his love for you. I'm sorry to say that but I promise it's true. Horrible though the prospect may be right now, the best thing you can do for yourself -- and for him -- is to leave and never look back. To remain, even on the periphery of his life, simply encourages him to carry on as he is. That's what being an enabler is all about.

[Tony T]

Dear Diane:

 

You are making the right decision. It could be many, many years before he seeks treatment. An alcholic is an alcholic for LIFE, even when they get treatment. He seems to acknowledge his problem now but he doesn't see himself quitting. That means he may never seek treatment until he accidentally kills somebody or a court orders treatment.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the RIGHT decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the RIGHT decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the RIGHT decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision.

 

You are making the RIGHT decision.

 

I can't tell you much more clearly than that. Don't walk, RUN!!!

 

Oh, yes, did I tell you you are making the RIGHT decision.

[Been There]

Diane, to add to the good advice and support of the others who posted responses, may I also say I was married to an alcoholic who is now recovered...but it was tough...even more so for the family than it is for the abuser. I was told that there is a 99% chance that one day...be it 5 months down the road, or 20 years...Most recovered alcoholics will find themselves with a drink in there hands again one day. They say that even after years of recovery, they somehow convince themselves that they can handle it "this time." And thus the recovery process must start all over again.

 

One thing I learned through all of our counciling...which has helped me in all aspects of my life since, is that you can not control or change the behavior of another person. You'll kill yourself trying. The hardest lesson for us is learning to "let go." They call it "tough love." Although your husband realizes he has a problem (the first step in recovery) he obviously hasn't hit rock bottom. And in order to do that you must stop cushioning his fall. You can love him, but don't carry him. YOU need to come first! No one should tell you to leave or to stay. That choice is yours. You'll know what to do when the time comes...but like Midori says, don't become an enabler.

I posted a message a couple of weeks ago "Married to an alcoholic." Something happened over this week that pushed me to my breaking point. (Not as bad as cheating, but calling in sick to work, all day in a Strip Club and $600 dollars later!) I had previously arranged to take a long weekend and visit my family before this had happened. I told him that when I went this time, I wasn't coming back. He said he understands, because he doen't see himself quitting. He also said he loves me very much and doesn't want me to go. I have been with him for 10 years (since I was 18) and I am very nervous and hope I'm making the right decision. Any thoughts?