conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 hiya guys, have only recently discovered this forum and am very impressed. there's a bit to get through so here goes... Started going to uni in october, a year and a half ago [am in england btw]. For the first few weeks was not sure if i was going to enjoy it much, did not have many close friends and certainly no romantic possibilities. Then of course as these things tend to be, i found friends and they turned out to be great. One of them included a girl i had seen from a distance and had thought was gorgeous. I got on really well with her as i did with the rest of the group. We talked loads but both daft things and serious stuff. At the time i saw her as a friend but i thought i could see it go somewhere. i tend not to rush into things. Anyway, holidays came soon and i talked to her quite a lot over msn and i started to think about her more and more and how it might be if we got together. When got back to uni it turned out she had been asked out by someone at the end of the last term and they started to go out pretty soon. I felt pretty dejected but i continued to be her friend and things started to go on like before. We joked a lot, took the piss out of eachother and all the things that friends seem to do. As the year went on a friend in the group seemed to notice and she kept on asking me if i loved her. i denied it, and made a joke about it, but i think and that stage it was kind of true She's now been together with this guy for nearly a year. They are not the strongest of couples, he seems very immature, they argue over lots of things, one time he pulled some other girl and for a few days it looked like they were going to split up. Every time this happened i would get my hopes and then when they got back together i would get quite low. it has got a lot worse this year, i continuously think of how life will pan out if we got together. I find being with her magical, when i walk down the street with her i feel all dizzy, i find myself staring at her [not in a creepy way, i think :-s]. we cook eachother meals. other people have said we could be a married couple. Have also started feeling very depressed, when i am with her it is great, but when i see her with her boyfriend. i feel all empty and feel really ****ty. Got drunk one night and told a friend in my group, she said she had thought this was the case and said that i seemed to be the one who made her really laugh and be happy, and that we would make a great couple. have tried to keep cheerful and forget about it, but it's hard. have gone from someone who could drink loads and be really happy and funny to someone who has a few drinks and becomes a miserable git. have confided to a couple of other friends and they all seem to think that it could happen and that at the mo she is not that happy with her boyfriend. we all went on holiday [our group of friends and her boyfriend] in the summer and there were times when i thought she could feel the same way, her boyfriend was being a bit of a damp cloth and she and i were talking and messing about in a boat, and i just remember being relly happy. She and her boyfriend have had another up and down term, but are still together. and i am still on the sidelines feeling like nothing. have nearly told her a couple of times, but do not see the point as i can't see anything amounting from it if she is still with him. have also thought about not being such a close friend to her but cannot bring myself to do it, as it would hurt to much, and we also all live in a big house at uni. really dont know what to do, just dont want to get drunk and end up telling her in a text or somehting, as that would be disastrous, and i can see myself doing that. Am sorry this is a bit of an essay, but it's the first time i have really said it all Do not expect any magic answers but think the forum is a great way of confinding in people and getting some decent advice Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 What are you looking to find out conostar? Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 i dont know really, maybe i don't want to know anything. i've just written bout how i feel. this girl is off on a year abroad in september and i can see her going and me feeling the same Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Well sometimes it helps to write things out. I'm not an expert in this arena by any means, maybe some of the people here that are will post but I think you have a decision to make. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't be able to continue as things are, I would either decide to discuss my feelings with the friend or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasarts Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 well it would seem that something dramatic has to happen to her for her to see you as more then a friend if you can wait patiently, and if you truly love this girl, then i would remain her friend until she breaks off with her boyfriend. Although you'll be a rebound man, if you can prove to her that your more then just a comfort buddy, and that you'll love and respect her, she might warm up to you even more then she is now. Its hard to watch the one you love not know how you feel in the arms of another "unworthy" guy. heh but i think all guys are unworthy to the eyes of the guy that wants the girl. I would only suggest doing this if you have a strong heart and can accept the fact that she might never be with you even if you stick it out and do everything in your power to have her fall in love with you. Love is hard and it is funny, but if its there its beautiful. good luck and i bid you well on whatever decision you make. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 I'll back up what Lucasarts says. You seem to have befriended a potential lover here. That in some peoples eyes is a mistake from the get go. I am not so sure. Why on earth did you not tell her? Shy, frightened of rejection? Either way you have to overcome these feelings. Your shyness may have made you miss this particular boat. Your fear may make you miss other potential boats. Overcome your fears and act like your feelings are telling you to act. Go for the girl. I am sure as, you are in England, you will know the phrase "Who Dares Wins". Don't step across someone elses relationship though as this will probably lead to a world of pain and mistrust, as you already seem to be aware. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 lol, yeah i know 'who dares wins', do they not have that saying in the states?. There isn't a moment that i don't regret not saying something at the start, i wish i had. but did not think i would have such little time before she got into a relationship. i dont see wat i can do while she's still with this guy, so will have to just sit it out. have decided though that if it makes me feel this bad for to much longer i will be selfish and just tell her. Am tired of feeling **** and i hate the way i have become. me thinking he is unworthy isn't just jealousy, quite a few of us think the same thing, that she she should be treated better. if she doesn't end up with me i hope she ends up with someone better that him, that isn't me trying to be noble, it is the truth. i won't be happy if it wasn't me but i wnat her to be completely happy with the person eventually gets together with Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 sorry, just realised you're in ireland, thought it was strange that americans would know about del boy Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 conostar, always remember => if u r friends with a woman u can never ever become her boyfriend!!!! ur OA will not break away from her current boyfriend and even if she does she is not going to take u as her new man. if u spill ur guts out she will say "oh but i will only like u as a friend". move away from her and date other women! just trying to save u some heart-ache... Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 do not think that is true, i know two people, they were firends for over a year and are now going out Link to post Share on other sites
Lifestream Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 conostar, always remember => if u r friends with a woman u can never ever become her boyfriend!!!! ur OA will not break away from her current boyfriend and even if she does she is not going to take u as her new man. if u spill ur guts out she will say "oh but i will only like u as a friend". move away from her and date other women! just trying to save u some heart-ache... That is entirely untrue. You can be friends, but you can't become another one of the girls. THAT'S when you're screwed. The first time I got into a relationship was with my best friend who happened to be a woman. As long as you're not in the trap of "needy young guy who's insecure and wants a girl" or "one of the girls" then you still have a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 It's not true. He's just bitter over one bad experience. It happens all of the time. It may or may not happen in your case. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 You have a decision to make. Your relationship has reached the point that it is no longer fun to be "just her friend". This happens in many friends relationships where one person develops feelings for the other and there is a point that one of them is no longer happy with the status quo. You will have to tell her how you feel if you want to know if there is anything more between you. If she says no then the best thing for you to do is walk away as you will not be able to be just her friend. You have to think of you and your feelings and not be so concerned about hers. She probably has an idea you like her ( as most women know ) and maybe is waiting for you to make a move. If you tell her and she acts awkward and nervous that is not a good sign. I guess all I am trying to say is you will have to tell her and hope for the best. In in the end you will feel better as you can't continue as you are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 so what?, tell her even though she is already involved with someone Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 It's not true. He's just bitter over one bad experience. It happens all of the time. It may or may not happen in your case. yes i had a horrible bad experience but at the same time it got me thinking.. i went thru several forums and found that many guys were exactly in the same position and got the same results. now i am not saying that this happens 100%, there r exceptions! friends can become lovers, but those r just that, exceptions!! women find it hard to redefine their relationships with their guy friends... i don't understand that but that's how it seems to be. they prefer to date strangers and not their male friends. conostar, if u r really into this girl then go ahead and tell her how u feel. and plz do let us know what happened. it shud be interesting to know how ur female friend responded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 thanks for the advice guys, not sure what i am going to do. will try and not let it get me down and think i am just going to have to wait till she breaks up with this guy, hopefully not too long Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 good luck dude! keep us posted.. u (and a lot of ppl on this forum) may tend to disagree, but i once again want to emphasize the fact that u should not become a friend of ur OA. just treat her as an acquaintance... becoming her friend will only ruin ur chances even after she breaks up with her BF. and of course, if ever she comes to u for emotional support or men problems then run for the hills 'cos the battle is pretty much over at that point.. u wud have just made the transition from friend to 'girl friend' again this is just my opinion! Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 sorry, wats OA? Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 sorry, wats OA? Object of Affection Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 and of course, if ever she comes to u for emotional support or men problems then run for the hills 'cos the battle is pretty much over at that point.. u wud have just made the transition from friend to 'girl friend' I know that you stated that this is your opinion but I have to disagree. I did this twice at two different times. I had discussed relationship problems with these guy friends and once a few weeks/months passed after my relationship problems were resolved I ended up developing feelings for these guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 well when/if she breaks up with this guy, am not going to lay it all on her straight away, as am sure hearing that a friend as secretly been crazy about you for ayear is not the easiest thing to taken when uve just come out of a long term relationship. shud probably move on, but dont think i can Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 well when/if she breaks up with this guy, am not going to lay it all on her straight away, as am sure hearing that a friend as secretly been crazy about you for ayear is not the easiest thing to taken when uve just come out of a long term relationship. shud probably move on, but dont think i can u can let her know of ur interest thru subtle hints. that will also make her see u as more than a friend... compliment her occassionally, make her laugh, be cheerful when u r around her, touch her slightly, show a genuine interest in her life and finally, do not spend too much time with her. should her bf break up with her u can let her know of ur interest and she wudn't be terribly surprised. because u have already been hinting... best of luck to u Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 ok, ta for advice, will give some pdates if anything of interest happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author conostar Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 just writing to update the situation. nothing positive has happened. i have tried to get over it, but just can't. seem to be depressed a lot of the time, and friends have commented that i don't seem to be as happy or jokey as i once was. our group of friends are all quite close, so it is not as if i can not see her. i feel sick whenever she talks about him. have not been out at all lately, as alcohol makes me feel a lot worse. i know writing all this is not going to make me feel better but there you go. i know it's never going to happen but i cant see myself being happy with myself any time in the forseeable future dont think any more updates will be necessary Link to post Share on other sites
Ja5e Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 No help I know , but you aint alone friend , lots of us in the same position out here in the world :-( Keep busy. If you start thinking of her , try your best to turn your attention to something else. If you have to see her ( socially ) then I can only suggest you try and limit your time spent in her company. Make excuses to leave early before you have to watch her kiss or cuddle with other guys or her b/f. Ask yourself would it be better for yourself if you simply took time out from being her friend. I`ve just done this , and yes its been a difficult week since , but nothing compared to 2 yrs of hoping. Link to post Share on other sites
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