In Love with a Friend and depressed

[conostar]

ok, some hope, kind of gave up trying to phase her out, was too difficult :-p. have been getting on really well lately, not sure if i am any more than a best friend at the mo, but the boundary between that and getting together is usually quite blurred. i know or am pretty sure that her bf is a bit jealous of the way we are. they are not going through the best period at the mo, and he has asked her if they can go on a break, to which she is not too bothered, says she is sick of the hassle. she is having a few problems at the moment, and said something like maybe she has been pouring her heart out a bit too much to him. i said that, if you can't do that with him then who can you do it to. and she said to me. [she made a joke of it straight afterwards] i know this means pretty much nothing, but it seemed rather deliberate and everything. also when we talk about our friends and stuff, we always go on about their relationship with each of us. i.e. we go through all the permutations, but we always avoid talking about the nature of our own friendship. i know this could be seen as a negative thing. but neither of us are that forward so i sometimes think she may realise that there may be something more to our friendship. am kind of clutching at straws, but even a faint hope keeps me going

[conostar]

right update on the situation

 

she now knows how i feel about her. had been plucking up the courage for a few days to tell her, as she was leaving for a year out soon, and i wasnt going to see her. her boyfriend had made it clear that he didnt want to try any long term distance relationship. as it happened a mutual friend blurted out how i felt whilst drunk. she did not seem to take it too well, and we didnt speak at all for about 5 days. however after that we had a chat, and she said .....close friend....dont see you that way.......etc. and everything was ok

 

So anyway, her boyfriend has broken up with her, we talk pretty much everyday, sometimes for hours. she asked me once if i had sorted out my feelings for her, i said yeah, not strictly true, though i am not as depressed about it as before. I seem to be locked into the friend zone, and to be honest cannot see me getting out of it. she has told me that she hasnt really gotten over her ex, and she seems comfortable talking to me, which was not the case for a while.

 

Word of advice to anyone else, do not get too friendly to your object of affection, as you will end up miserable like me. all my friends know bout it now, and all of them say that we make a good couple and that to them it was obvious. so prob, if i had been braver in the first place, would be better now.

 

am never really going to stop loving her, but would like to move on, can still be a close friend, but thats it

 

lol, sorry this is all a bit long, and i am sure no one else will find this intersting, is more for me to write it down

[Yamaha]

I still think you are doing yourself a disservice by staying her close friend. She has all she wants from you but you have but a morsel. If she can't understand how you are hurting then she isn't worthy of being your friend. She would not want to be friends with you if she had feelings and you did not see her "that way".

Guys have drove themselves crazy staying friends with a women they love who doesn't return their feelings. Please do yourself a favor and go NC with her. It will hurt for a time but you will feel better and it will give you a chance to find someone who returns your love.

[conostar]

not too sure what NC is, am guessing it means get rid. she is going to be abroad for a year anyway now, so will probably talk to her very seldom, so do not have to actively freeze her out, which makes it easier.

thanks for your advice though, it is gratefully received!

[Yamaha]

NC means no contact.

 

Since she is leaving for a year it should help you get over her by not having any contact.

[TJettman]

I'm right at the exact same spot conostar. I just told mine last Tuesday. Was expecting to get a probable no but got a complete unexpected response. Anger. She won't even talk to me. Wouldn't even talk to me face to face about it. We had gotten probably as close as I've ever felt to another person. It's killing me but I just had to know the truth. Was there a future? I can't believe how much this hurts. I never hurt this bad throughout my terrible marriage. I'm pretty much being forced into NC. She was a great friend too. It will be extremely hard to get over, but it's best that I don't see her so hopefully it will fade. I hope it fades for you too.

[dennen]

Hey Conostar,

 

I gotta agree with Yamaha here. She's getting everything she wants (emotional support) and you're getting nothing. She will stay with you because you are her security blanket but she will be looking elsewhere at the same time for another b/f. I know what you're going through too because I'm in the same spot. I don't think you have to go the "no contact" route, but I would certainly make sure you aren't available for these long chats. YOU ARE BEING USED! She's prob not doing it out of meaness (it's just comfortable for her) but it will never make her see the value you have as something other than a friend. Give her the gift of missing you and see what happens. Good luck!

[Guest]

Hey Conostar,

 

I gotta agree with Yamaha here. She's getting everything she wants (emotional support) and you're getting nothing. She will stay with you because you are her security blanket but she will be looking elsewhere at the same time for another b/f. I know what you're going through too because I'm in the same spot. I don't think you have to go the "no contact" route, but I would certainly make sure you aren't available for these long chats. YOU ARE BEING USED! She's prob not doing it out of meaness (it's just comfortable for her) but it will never make her see the value you have as something other than a friend. Give her the gift of missing you and see what happens. Good luck!

 

I think this is an excellent piece of advice.

 

I am now in this stage. Just last week I opened up to my female friend and she said she only appreciates having me as a friend. I really thought that this girl liked me. She wants to see me so much and spends a ton of time with me.

 

Can you please advice what I can do in this situation?

 

Also, what exactly do the terms "emotional support" and "security blanket" mean?

 

PS: This girl doesn't discuss her dating life or guy problems with me.

[ro_amor25]

so what?, tell her even though she is already involved with someone

 

 

i say go for it man!!! thats the only way you can find out whats going to happen next! you cant keep living your life full of "what if(s)"...tell her...if she rejects you then you can move on with your life rather than waiting for something that might not come!! if you love her then take a chance!!

[JCD]

Move on with your life and find another girl to spend time with. This one isn't worth your time. It's nothing more than drama at this point and who wants that?

[conostar]

lol, thanks 'ro amor25', she knows now. Am impressed you read all that though.

 

I think you are right tennen, it was kind of like that when she was with this guy, i seemed to provide a lot of emotional support while he was being a prat. apparently she even told him once that i had been more of a boyfriend to her that he had. and like you said i think she lets it carry on cos it is comfortable for her, not for any malicious reasons.

 

so, as she is now going away think i will tone it down a bit. question though, if she asks me why i am not in touch so often, cos it will not take long for her to notice,seeing as we talk pretty much every day, should i say the truth, that is hurts too much, and that i still have feelings for her, too hard etc..., or should i just leave it.

 

thanks for all the advice guys, seems to be a common problem with quite afew people!

[conostar]

am a bit confused really, she changes between hot and cold. late last night, she phoned me just to tell me about her night out and what she had been doing. she doesnt usually do that :-s

[Yamaha]

if she asks me why i am not in touch so often, cos it will not take long for her to notice,seeing as we talk pretty much every day, should i say the truth, that is hurts too much, and that i still have feelings for her, too hard etc..., or should i just leave it.

 

If she calls just tell her your busy and don't have alot of time to talk. Don't tell her you still have feelings for her but let her think you have an active social life. Talk to her but keep it short and don't give her many details of your life. I wouldn't do this in the hopes of her seeing the light and wanting more with you but do it because you can't go on just being a good friend to someone that your in love with.

 

If she ever decides she would like more with you let it be her decision but don't wait and hope for it.

[midori]

Hi guys,

 

I don't often chime in on discussion threads -- I'm usually too busy doing behind the scenes stuff, but when I saw this discussion I thought of a couple of things from my own experience that might be relevant.

 

It's a very difficult situation to be in, conostar, and you definitely have my sympathies. It's also a difficult situation for a woman to be in, although I don't think I would equate the two -- you're probably feeling worse about it than she is. But as a woman who has had male friends do this to me over the years, I can tell you how I felt at times.

 

Someone else mentioned how they recently encountered anger from the object of their affection/friend. It might seem like an unreasonable response, but I've had the same reaction at times, and the reason is that I felt like my so-called friend was flying under false colors: he hadn't had the courage to admit from the start that he liked me, so instead he pretended to just like me as a friend -- when all along he had a different agenda. I felt manipulated; my friend had not been honest with me from the start. I felt like I was being asked to account for the fact that I clearly liked him as a friend, so why not more?

 

If a guy whom I don't find attractive comes on to me, I politely but firmly decline. It's awkward but I know what to do. I'm very careful about not leading men on. It's a matter of my honor: to give false signals of interest is unfair and unkind. But what to do when it's a friend? I hadn't led them on because I didn't know they were interested. I couldn't just give them a polite indication of disinterest. We had a more intimate relationship, and thus it would be an intimate and much more significant rejection. I don't like to hurt people, that's why I'm very careful not to send false signals. But when a friend is interested in you, it's not possible for people to save face and walk away with white lies or honest but kind dismissals.

 

Your friend knows that she's hurting and disapointing you. No one wants to do that to a friend, but she has been forced into that position. That's not going to make her happy.

 

Finally, when this has happened to me I've been upset because I knew that the friendship was over, and it was often a friendship that had come to mean a lot to me. That's a meaningful loss, even if the hurt she feels isn't as strong as the hurt you feel.

 

I agree with the advice to radically decrease contact. You've got to have the space to get over the rejection, and you may be dealing with someone who doesn't know how to handle herself so as to minimize the hurt she must inevitably give you. Is she calling you a lot in order to kind of convince you that she still likes you as a friend, and friendship is a great thing? There could be any number of reasons why she's behaving as she is, including the fact that she's about to go overseas for a year and won't want to leave with hard feelings.

 

But the reality is that you've finally shown your hand, and didn't get the response you were hoping for. To keep trying to play that hand isn't going to help you at all. I'd walk away -- with no harsh words and nothing but kindness towards her. She did not put you in this situation -- you did. And now you're hurting, and that sucks. So take care of yourself. You can either tell her upfront that you need time to yourself, or you can convey the need for distance by holding her at arm's length. But if she asks you, be honest. Don't pretend to feel things you don't feel, or that you don't feel things that you do. She might not be handling this well but it'll be impossible for either of you to handle it well if you're not being honest with her.

 

Good luck!

[conostar]

cheers for the input, and thanks for taking the time to get through all this. is nice to know the people working on this are not mindless drones :-p.

I am not sure why she calls me often, maybe it is for the reason you gave. i know i have to step back, i have tried a couple of times, but i miss her loads and i give up after a couple of days. so will take her going away as a opportunity to get some proper distance, and if she comments on it, will just tell her the truth. i dont think i have imagined the possibility that she liked me though, as even my friends thought that we would get together at somepoint. anyway, she obviously doesn't. so will try and move on :-)

thanks everyone. will give a few updates at some point. hope this thread has helped other people, by telling them exactly what NOT to do.

[Quinch]

Sorry it didn't work out for you conostar. All I can say is, if you really do like this girl and want her in your life then do your best to be the best friend you can be. She will appreciate it and, if she's as wonderful as you make out, she will be there for you. Sometimes a good friendship can be the best relationship you will ever have because they really are forever.

[ro_amor25]

cheers for the input, and thanks for taking the time to get through all this. is nice to know the people working on this are not mindless drones :-p.

I am not sure why she calls me often, maybe it is for the reason you gave. i know i have to step back, i have tried a couple of times, but i miss her loads and i give up after a couple of days. so will take her going away as a opportunity to get some proper distance, and if she comments on it, will just tell her the truth. i dont think i have imagined the possibility that she liked me though, as even my friends thought that we would get together at somepoint. anyway, she obviously doesn't. so will try and move on :-)

thanks everyone. will give a few updates at some point. hope this thread has helped other people, by telling them exactly what NOT to do.

 

i think she is calling you because she miss you! im in a similiar situation as you right now...have friend you im inlove with but she has a bf...and A-hole if i might add...anyways we talk almost the whole day even when she's in school we still send each other txt messeges....i was in philippines by the way...anyways we talk and spent a lot of time together if shes not in school shes with me...no that i move back in the US i dont call her as much it hurts man.... i know how you feel...to see the woman you love with another guy.....she keep asking me why i dont call anymore....

 

well sorry it dint work out for you man!!