I think I'm incapable of feeling love

[lovesfool]

I've had a number of posts on this forum over the past few years about my relationship woes. How it generally works out is that if I'm uncertain of their feelings or interest in me, I get very attached and try as hard as I can to keep them as a romantic partner. If they are keenly interested in my I tend to keep them very much at arms length. 

Looking back on the failed pursuits, it was clear that these men were not right for me. I think the initial sexual attraction combined with their aloofness made it seem like they were potential partners but they were far from it.

My last "serious" relationship before my current one lasted 3 months. He was keenly interested in me but I wasn't willing to give up more of my free time to be with him.

The same thing seems to be happening to me again. A guy who is perfect on paper. I enjoy spending time with him, he's smart, good looking, caring and we have so much in common. But I can't get the thought out of my head that he may not be the one. He told me he loved me after 8 months of dating (long distance) and I was not able to say it back. Two more months on I still don't feel anywhere close to saying it.

I think to myself that maybe there's someone else out there that can make me fall in love, but I always dismiss this based on my dating history. I have been on countless dates and very rarely get past the first date. I am extremely picky and have never felt as close to someone as I have with my current boyfriend, but I don't get butterflies thinking about him, or get excited when we are about to meet after being apart for a long time.

I feel like these are red flags for me, but I also think that this is my personality. I don't get excited for anything, like vacations or big events. I also am far from an emotional person. I grew up in a family which never tells each other our feelings, never say "I love you" to each other, never hug. This is normal for me.

This is also what worries me about my current relationship. I am starting to believe that this is as good as I'm going to feel. I will never get the emotional highs other people get and I'm chasing a feeling I will never experience. I also feel that it is unfair on my partner to keep this relationship going if I am never going to feel the same way about him that he does about me. I told him I don't know when I would be able to say "I love you" back but he constantly assures me that he has never felt as cared for before and he seems head over heels in this relationship.

Should I tell my partner how I feel at the risk of losing him? Even if he is understanding of this, am I wasting his time by staying in this relationship? I am really struggling with this at the moment when I know on paper there's nothing wrong with my relationship - I just don't feel in love.

[basil67]

I'm wondering if the distance is part of the issue.  How much can one fall in love with someone when there is infrequent contact?   Just how far away is he?

[ShyViolet]

I must also ask, why are you in a long distance relationship?  How many times have you actually spent time together in person?  How are you supposed to know whether you have chemistry with a person when you are not together in real life regularly?

[Gebidozo]

Saying “I love you” after 8 months of long distance dating would have been perhaps too much even for me, and I’m an extremely emotional person who blurts out his feelings at every opportunity. I wouldn’t worry about not responding with the same words.

What I would worry about is the fact you are already in serious doubts. You said twice that the guy was great on paper. Now, if I were that guy and a woman I liked applied those words to me, that would kill any trace of a romantic connection.

If you aren’t in love and you know that you won’t fall in love with this man, I don’t see how a serious long-term relationship can work here. 

[lovesfool]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering if the distance is part of the issue.  How much can one fall in love with someone when there is infrequent contact?   Just how far away is he?

I'm not that experienced in long distance so I can't answer that question. All I can say is that he fell in love with me. We are maybe an 8 hour flight apart.

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I must also ask, why are you in a long distance relationship?  How many times have you actually spent time together in person?  How are you supposed to know whether you have chemistry with a person when you are not together in real life regularly?

We just fell into a long distance relationship. Crossed paths when we were in the same place and just kept in contact. We have spent maybe a combined full 9 weeks together over a period of almost a year I would guess.

I assume it's not impossible to know if you have chemistry or not in long distance. He is in love with me and there are plenty of stories of long distance relationships working.

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Saying “I love you” after 8 months of long distance dating would have been perhaps too much even for me, and I’m an extremely emotional person who blurts out his feelings at every opportunity. I wouldn’t worry about not responding with the same words.

What I would worry about is the fact you are already in serious doubts. You said twice that the guy was great on paper. Now, if I were that guy and a woman I liked applied those words to me, that would kill any trace of a romantic connection.

If you aren’t in love and you know that you won’t fall in love with this man, I don’t see how a serious long-term relationship can work here. 

I'm not sure I understand. You say that saying "I love you" after 8 months of long distance is a bit too much, but at the same time you say that if I'm not in love with him by now that you don't see how it can work out. Is this not a contradiction? 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm not sure I understand. You say that saying "I love you" after 8 months of long distance is a bit too much, but at the same time you say that if I'm not in love with him by now that you don't see how it can work out. Is this not a contradiction? 

No, it’s not a contradiction. You said you weren’t an emotional person, and in my opinion saying “I love you” that soon under the circumstances is surely way too emotional for you. So you and he don’t seem very compatible in respect. Then you said he is good “on paper” and you don’t see yourself ever falling in love with him. That makes the incompatibility even deeper.

 

[lovesfool]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

No, it’s not a contradiction. You said you weren’t an emotional person, and in my opinion saying “I love you” that soon under the circumstances is surely way too emotional for you. So you and he don’t seem very compatible in respect. Then you said he is good “on paper” and you don’t see yourself ever falling in love with him. That makes the incompatibility even deeper.

 

But you said you thought it was way too early, even for you so that's why I was confused.

Can someone who is not emotional ever be compatible with someone who is?

[Calmandfocused]

Op, you are not incapable of feeling love. You are incapable of making wise decisions for yourself. 
 

You’re stuck in a pattern which you’re well aware of. If you want to break this pattern you’d be wise to do something about it. 
 

 

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Can someone who is not emotional ever be compatible with someone who is?

You are right. Such a distance isn't reasonable or sustainable for a new relationship, but it suits your desire for longing and avoidance. I think you're right about letting this guy off the hook, because no matter how hard he works to resolve the distance, you'll only find him less attractive the closer he gets to the goal. This fantasy attraction has worked well for you while he's far away, but his attempts to connect emotionally and to traverse the distance are turning you off. There are valid reasons for that, so set him free.

You confuse the 'butterflies' you've felt for lousy matches with love or a crush or attraction, but it's anxiety and longing. You associate these feelings with 'a spark' or love. Consider researching trauma bonds and attachment theory. When 'longing' equals love for you, that's your early conditioning, and this renders men who are capable of secure and loving bonds with you as boring and undesirable. 

This kind of early conditioning is common, unconscious, but treatable if you work with a therapist who is trained in attachment rehabilitation (most are). She or he can help you to heal the need for longing while desensitizing and reversing the discomfort, boredom and lack of attraction to secure bonding.

Meanwhile, close the door on the guy who needs to work too hard for a losing battle. You will thank yourself.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Edited September 16 by Leihla_B

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 

I assume it's not impossible to know if you have chemistry or not in long distance. He is in love with me and there are plenty of stories of long distance relationships working.

If you have a specific problem with opening yourself up to a relationship and forming a deep connection with someone, then getting yourself into a long distance relationship was a poor choice.  The relationship is already limited and at a disadvantage no matter what you do.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

But you said you thought it was way too early, even for you so that's why I was confused.

Can someone who is not emotional ever be compatible with someone who is?

Exactly, it would be too early even for me, who is emotional, so it must be way too early for you, who isn’t.

Of course emotional people can’t be compatible with unemotional ones. Unless you mean outward expression, not inner feelings. Expressions of emotions are different for everyone and that can be worked on. But if one of the partners is fundamentally, intrinsically “warm”, and the other “cold”, I don’t see how this can ever work out. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

16 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm not that experienced in long distance so I can't answer that question. All I can say is that he fell in love with me. We are maybe an 8 hour flight apart.

We just fell into a long distance relationship. Crossed paths when we were in the same place and just kept in contact. We have spent maybe a combined full 9 weeks together over a period of almost a year I would guess.

I assume it's not impossible to know if you have chemistry or not in long distance. He is in love with me and there are plenty of stories of long distance relationships working.

I'm not sure I understand. You say that saying "I love you" after 8 months of long distance is a bit too much, but at the same time you say that if I'm not in love with him by now that you don't see how it can work out. Is this not a contradiction? 

If you spent 9 full weeks together and you have regularly talked you should have a good idea if you have commonality in a relationship in compatibility.  Thr one issue is you still have the new car smell so that needs to wear off  so you can see if you work well together in the fullness of real life.

[jasonblackheart01]

I think your the problem in this story.

Have you ever wonder if you love yourself enough to be qualified for these guys?

You keep arms length at these people. Why? aren't you worth it? aren't they worth your time?

Aren't they good enough? Or are you not good enough?

Its either they aren't worth your time or you like them but scared because your not enough?

You cant love someone if you feel cheap to yourself. You cant love someone if you cant love yourself.

Learn to love yourself first, before you start loving others.

That's the first journey of learning how to love someone.

[lovesfool]

I do "love myself". I don't have any confidence issues or anything in my life that would constitute trauma that I would need to work on. I had gone to a therapist before but I didn't find it to be useful at all.

When I Google articles or read discussion forms on people not feeling the spark in relationships there is a lot of commentary on the spark being an illusion and that it can largely be infatuation. They say that there is no real definition and if the person is meeting all your needs as a partner then that is love.

I just really worry about ending things just based on this idea of love from TV and movies. I'm approaching 40 and have many years experience in dating men. I feel like I'm just chasing the idea of a perfect boyfriend instead of just looking at the man in front of me.

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I feel like I'm just chasing the idea of a perfect boyfriend instead of just looking at the man in front of me.

The problem is, he's not in front of you, he's thousands of miles away. Do you and he have a realistic and imminent plan to close that distance and be together? 

[FredEire]

On 9/15/2024 at 5:34 PM, lovesfool said:

I've had a number of posts on this forum over the past few years about my relationship woes. How it generally works out is that if I'm uncertain of their feelings or interest in me, I get very attached and try as hard as I can to keep them as a romantic partner. If they are keenly interested in my I tend to keep them very much at arms length. 

Looking back on the failed pursuits, it was clear that these men were not right for me. I think the initial sexual attraction combined with their aloofness made it seem like they were potential partners but they were far from it.

My last "serious" relationship before my current one lasted 3 months. He was keenly interested in me but I wasn't willing to give up more of my free time to be with him.

The same thing seems to be happening to me again. A guy who is perfect on paper. I enjoy spending time with him, he's smart, good looking, caring and we have so much in common. But I can't get the thought out of my head that he may not be the one. He told me he loved me after 8 months of dating (long distance) and I was not able to say it back. Two more months on I still don't feel anywhere close to saying it.

I think to myself that maybe there's someone else out there that can make me fall in love, but I always dismiss this based on my dating history. I have been on countless dates and very rarely get past the first date. I am extremely picky and have never felt as close to someone as I have with my current boyfriend, but I don't get butterflies thinking about him, or get excited when we are about to meet after being apart for a long time.

I feel like these are red flags for me, but I also think that this is my personality. I don't get excited for anything, like vacations or big events. I also am far from an emotional person. I grew up in a family which never tells each other our feelings, never say "I love you" to each other, never hug. This is normal for me.

This is also what worries me about my current relationship. I am starting to believe that this is as good as I'm going to feel. I will never get the emotional highs other people get and I'm chasing a feeling I will never experience. I also feel that it is unfair on my partner to keep this relationship going if I am never going to feel the same way about him that he does about me. I told him I don't know when I would be able to say "I love you" back but he constantly assures me that he has never felt as cared for before and he seems head over heels in this relationship.

Should I tell my partner how I feel at the risk of losing him? Even if he is understanding of this, am I wasting his time by staying in this relationship? I am really struggling with this at the moment when I know on paper there's nothing wrong with my relationship - I just don't feel in love.

Tell me about it, if it makes you feel any better you're not alone in this.

I think usually you're uncertain about their interest because actually they're not all that interested, most of the time they at best see you as someone to date for a while or good for some sex and that's it, but it's frustrating and that drive to win them over gives you that "love" feeling.

On the other hand someone who's all in and engaged and not in any way flaky or flighty doesn't give you that same kind of "project" to prove yourself to them... boring!

I see very similar stuff written by a lot of people on these boards and hear it from a lot of people in real life. "Love yourself first" and "work on yourself" is usually the standard advice but as someone who came from a fairly loveless family growing up s***'s really hard, it's not like just flicking a switch. Sometimes the advice sounds a lot like telling someone with depression, "just try and cheer up", a fairly dismissive way to describe something that's in reality years and years of intensive therapy.

I do wonder sometimes how people with the same issues eventually work it out. I sympathise with the statement about the right person "on paper", maybe people sometimes go for those people they know in theory would be great for them even if they don't have the same feelings they might have for someone unavailable and half-interested. But then if your heart is not open to them you end up being half-interested yourself, which obviously isn't fair to your partner who is pouring their heart into the relationship.

It's a tough one, I wish I could tell you I had the answer but as I said you're far from unique for someone in this day and age dating in their 20s and 30s, if that's any comfort at all.

[stillafool]

I don't think everyone needs to or has to be partnered in life.  If you find yourself struggling to feel something for someone you don't need to be with them.  It would be better to be alone than faking it with someone.   That's not fair to them.