28F talking to a 30M. Mixed Signals or Taking it Slow? Why is he not asking me out? PLEASE HELP

[starashmoon]

I’m a 28F and recently met a guy (30M) on a dating app. I’ve only been in one relationship before, and it took the guy a solid six months of effort to convince me to go out with him. So, I’m not super familiar with boys, dating, or using these apps. In the short time I’ve been on the app, I’ve come across plenty of guys who are super forward - wanting to call or meet up right away - which is why this situation feels confusing.

This guy, though, is different, and I really like him. That’s rare for me, and I feel like my judgment might be clouded because of that.

We matched about two weeks ago, and he initiated the conversation. He messaged me first and showed interest early on, replying quickly and even apologizing when he was late, with valid reasons that made me like him even more.

After a while, we moved off the app and started talking on Snapchat. One thing to note is our work schedules are completely opposite. He works nights, including weekends, while I work a regular 9-5 during the week. We had one great initial conversation where it seemed like we were on the same page about what we were looking for, or at least most of it.

But since then, he hasn’t asked much about me or my interests, and our conversations have mostly turned into random small talk and exchanging snaps. He replies quickly when we do talk and is very sweet about it, but I feel like he’s not putting in much effort beyond that. There are long gaps between our conversations, and he hasn’t really made an effort to get to know me better.

One thing I’ll give him credit for is that he’s very sweet and considerate—though part of me wonders if that’s just him trying to be polite or if he’s actually like that. He could either be straightforward or maybe just a bit distant.

Last weekend, he went to New York (we’re in Canada), and I subtly hinted at meeting up. He said it’s only a matter of time and that we’d definitely plan something once he is back. But now, a week later, he hasn’t mentioned it again, and I’m left feeling confused.

Here’s where I’m torn:

• Maybe he’s not that interested and might be talking to other girls.
• Maybe he wants to take things slow and doesn’t want to come across as pushy or creepy. Or maybe he’s just got a different personality.

I really want to give this a fair shot before deciding to move on, but it’s hard to read him over text since we haven’t had any deeper conversations yet. I’m usually playful and fun, and people respond well to that, but with him, I’m holding back—maybe because I really like him.

What confuses me is that he’s on a dating app, which usually means someone’s looking for something, even if it’s just a casual hookup. But he’s not even trying for that! So, what does he actually want? He doesn’t text often, and it’s driving me a little crazy

I want to meet him to get a better sense of where things stand before deciding what to do. I could ask him about his intentions directly, but I don’t want to push too hard. At the same time, I don’t want to wait around if he’s not serious.

How should I approach this? Is it too soon to ask him if he’s interested, or should I let things unfold naturally? I want to handle this in a mature way, even though I can be a bit emotional and impulsive at times, lol

[basil67]

It doesn't matter what his intentions are or why he's doing things.  What matters is how you feel about it and how patient you are.  

If I were in your shoes and was talking to someone who's hours were opposite mine and had no interest in asking me questions or meeting up in person, I'd move on.  Random snaps, no matter how timely, are worthless in the grand scheme of things.    Further "it's only a matter of time" in response to your suggestion of meeting up would have had me shrug and delete him

 

Edited September 15 by basil67

[Gaeta]

He is NOT interested. Interested men don't disappear. You are making rookie mistakes by thinking he wants you so much but he just cannot express it. When *you* like someone can you stay away? can you ignore their communication? Can you delay meeting them? No. When 2 people are interested in one another there is a pull on both side. 

The mature thing is to move on and find a man that is really interested in you. A man that will setup a date asap, that will look forward to your calls and texts. A man that will want to know everything there is to know about you because these men exist. 

He's sweet & considerate? NO he's not! remember? , he hasn’t asked much about me or my interests,..... random small talk.  I feel like he’s not putting in much effort beyond that. There are long gaps between our conversations, and he hasn’t really made an effort to get to know me better.  That's not being sweet & considerate.

You got caught up in thinking he could be the one, he's not. You need to let go of the fake romance you created in  your head. Do not date those half hearted men! 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/15/2024 at 11:29 PM, starashmoon said:

I subtly hinted at meeting up. He said it’s only a matter of time and that we’d definitely plan something once he is back. But now, a week later, he hasn’t mentioned it again,

I  would personally not continue communicating with him at this point. 

He's quite clearly not as interested as you are, so I would put a stop to all this messaging and see if he initiates anything solid (like a plan to meet) If he doesn't, well, you have you asnwer and will know to quit wasting your time. 

On 9/15/2024 at 11:29 PM, starashmoon said:

but with him, I’m holding back—maybe because I really like him.

How can you really like him when you haven't even met the guy? I get that you like some of the thing he wites, but I would remember that this isn't the same as liking hiim as a person. That part you can't know yet when you have never interacted with hin in real life. I don't say that to be unkind but it might help this sting a bit less. You don't know what he's like, really. He might be lovely or he might be a jackass. 

Either way, I would stop reaching out. He's lukewarm at most. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm wondering how and why you "really like him" when you only have had ONE initial good conversation?   

He's probably dating - that's what people on dating apps do.  You ought to be meeting men and dating also, if you're interested in meeting someone and developing a relationship.

It certainly doesn't sound like it's going to be this guy.  

[Acacia98]

On 9/16/2024 at 12:29 AM, starashmoon said:

 In the short time I’ve been on the app, I’ve come across plenty of guys who are super forward - wanting to call or meet up right away - which is why this situation feels confusing.

I second what everyone else is saying: he isn't that interested. That's your answer. It's not your job to convince him to ask him out. Rather, you should stop communicating with him and make the effort to communicate with others.

Also, in reference to your words quoted above, what you're referring to as being super-forward is actually the behavior of guys who are sincere about wanting to meet you in real life and figure out if you are right for them. You really shouldn't be spending weeks/months texting back and forth before meeting. That just creates a sense of familiarity and emotional attachment when you don't really know the person.

As for the guy who took six months to convince you to go out with him, that wasn't an emotionally healthy thing for him to do. He should have stopped trying the minute you showed ambivalence or reluctance.

I think it would help you to make a general effort to learn what healthy dating and relationships look like. That will make it easier for you to 'read' the people you interact with on dating apps.

Edited September 17 by Acacia98

[jasonblackheart01]

Straightforward is the best way if your confuse. In dating apps, there people called "Collectors". This people treat the dating apps as a game. They collect people like fish and and feed them BS. if the fish is not appetizing, he will not feed it and treat other nice "fish" nicely. In other words, collectors are like fisherman trying to pick the best fish among his fishes. 

What I'm trying to say is, be straightforward even if hurts you, dating apps are full of people who feed people BS. Its better to be truthful than being deceived.

[smackie9]

An interested man doesn't waste time on chatting. He asks you out asap. Keep that in mind instead of "I really like this guy" that makes you sit and wait needlessly. 

[Leihla_B]

He's probably dating someone who also works a night shift.

The thing about 'talking' online is that it's fantasy-building and a waste of your time. Set up quick meets over coffee to check people out on your way home from work. Skip the ones who don't ask you out for a real date afterward.

Use apps as a screening device. Skip anyone who won't meet you within a week or two. They have their own agenda, and it doesn't match yours. 

Edited September 18 by Leihla_B