Gaeta Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 9 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: But that is weird. Why would I not be "allowed" to have a platonic friendship with this man? He is not even an ex, right? He is someone I used to date? You can do what ever you wish, we are informing you how it will appear to other men you'd be interested in dating. This guy here is someone you dated and had sex with and your story is recent. You look like someone who can cut her ties to past lovers. How would you feel if it was the other way around. How would you feel if a man you date and wish to develop a serious relationship with, would be texting women he met and had sex with before you? Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 21 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: But that is weird. Why would I not be "allowed" to have a platonic friendship with this man? He is not even an ex, right? He is someone I used to date? Do the two of you share the same school campus and friends? If so, lots of breakups end in friendships, or at least civility, because you're forced to cross paths with one another all the time. But once we graduate, holding onto an ex as a friend tends to force two 'breakups' instead of one, because most adults won't involve themselves with someone who is still involved with an ex beyond shared children. It's thought of as not finishing old business before starting new business. So the friendship either ends broken or phased out when one or the other wants to pursue a romantic relationship. You get to decide what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 Ok, I understand, thank you. And no, I would not appreciate if a man texts to his “ex” the way he is currently texting me. Question remains…. He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 38 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: Ok, I understand, thank you. And no, I would not appreciate if a man texts to his “ex” the way he is currently texting me. Question remains…. He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. There's a difference between building an actual friendship (with lasting potential) versus phasing out someone you legitimately like but not in a romantic way. I think that's a messy way to break off dating. High school and college kids are forced to socialize with exes, but once outside of that bubble, most adults quickly learn the advantages of making a clean break whenever romance is not in the cards. Maybe this guy just hasn't learned that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 (edited) 52 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. Could be many reasons. We answered that. To ease his guilt, to keep a sex partner backup, for attention, to fill a temporary void, etc. It's time wasted to try to figure out people that rejected us. You are in business of finding your happiness and finding a boyfriend, not analyzing the joe blows of this world that will reject you. Edited September 17 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 5 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I do not want to be disappointed another time. Friends do not let each other down, right? Friends don't want to let each other down. Friends also introduce their significant others to each other also. Would you be disappointed or let down if he introduced you to his new girl? 5 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Also, I haven't shown him any sadness. We have seen each other for a drink and I was one and all smile. No difficult questions, I did not make him feel guilty. I have shown him that I was ok with the situation. So why would he then need to ease his own guilt? Did you feel any sadness and were hiding it from him or did you actually not feel sadness? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 1 hour ago, SunshineSt said: Question remains…. He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. This is a question you need to ask him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 50 minutes ago, stillafool said: Friends don't want to let each other down. Friends also introduce their significant others to each other also. Would you be disappointed or let down if he introduced you to his new girl? Did you feel any sadness and were hiding it from him or did you actually not feel sadness? Yes of course I felt sadness. But I kept my head high and didn’t show it to him. He immediately said that he wants to keep me in his life, so I thought, let’s see what that means Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 2 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Ok, I understand, thank you. And no, I would not appreciate if a man texts to his “ex” the way he is currently texting me. Question remains…. He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. You've been broken up for one month and you dated him a brief few months before that. I sure would not call what's going on now "building" a friendship. He probably likes you just fine, only not romantically- as he says, but I would probably wait until you have 6 months of his "building" behind you before you start hanging any expectations on this friendship. Your comment about how "friends don't let each other down" tells me that you have some whopping expectations of this one. Frankly - friendships take work. Most adults are busy with their jobs, school, families, established friendships, hobbies. Somebody who dumped you is not going to be prioritizing a friendship with you, especially since your time of actually being connected was short. As someone posted, however, if you're both in the same friend group or see each other at work all the time or in classes, you might actually become real friends of a sort and do things together. It will not continue when he meets someone he's feeling romantically towards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 6 hours ago, SunshineSt said: No difficult questions, I did not make him feel guilty. I have shown him that I was ok with the situation. So why would he then need to ease his own guilt Because he's not stupid. He surely knows this wasn't a mutual decision and that even though you didn't show it, you fel hurt and sad. You don't have to be showing emotion or pulling a guilt trip for him to feel badly for dumping you. 6 hours ago, SunshineSt said: And I do not hope that we let each other down as soon as new dates get involved. I do not want to be disappointed another time. Friends do not let each other down, right? You don't seem to have a very realistic perception of what such "friendships" entail. They are generally fleeting and only last as long as you both parties remain single. He doesn't owe you anything (just as you don't owe him anything), even as a friend. It's doubtful that he will have much interest in keeping this friendship going when he meets the next woman he dates. Just trying to be real with you so you aren't blind-sided when he fades out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 4 hours ago, SunshineSt said: But that is weird. Why would I not be "allowed" to have a platonic friendship with this man? He is not even an ex, right? He is someone I used to date? If I had interest in you and we dated some and you ended it I would not remain friends with you. if friends before we dated- takeCA break but probably return to friendship if the break up wasn’t over something offensive if you got along and dated and after six months or so felt this isn’t going anywhere duevto fundamental differences I could still be friends after a break. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 2 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Yes of course I felt sadness. But I kept my head high and didn’t show it to him. He immediately said that he wants to keep me in his life, so I thought, let’s see what that means Then you weren't being your authentic self. What good does it do you to hide your pain just to be in the presence of a man who has rejected you? You say that "He immediately said that he wants to keep me in his life", but what do you want now? Do you still want to be in his life after he rejected you and if so, where do you see this going? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 6 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Yes of course I felt sadness. But I kept my head high and didn’t show it to him. He immediately said that he wants to keep me in his life, so I thought, let’s see what that means It’s easier to say what that does not mean. Whatever his reasons are, he isn’t interested in you romantically. He has rejected you. A “friendship” with him won’t change that. It looks like you’re still grasping at straws here. You’re too emotionally invested into this “friendship”. When he gets together with another girl, it’s going to hurt much more than if you were having no contact with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Well...it means that...a friend. He clearly stated that he like you...as a friend so he want friendship. Nothing complicated in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 Is it so easy for men to switch from romantic to platonic? thank you for your answers, which have been very clear. Now I need to bring him the news, which is not easy of course.. :( Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Just now, SunshineSt said: Is it so easy for men to switch from romantic to platonic? oh no, it just means he never felt romantic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 Well, he gave me very different signs. The way he looked at me, it was not just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 A lot of women in your position would take the friendship offer in hopes that by hanging around he will start to fall for her, and they will become a couple. That rarely if ever happens and I hope you don't waste your time and emotions doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 @SunshineSt: This is your interpretation. And when we like someone we're not a good judge at 'interpreting'. The facts are he never expressed having any other feelings than friendship for you in 6.5 months that means these feelings did not exist in him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 I don’t want to do that to myself. The only way a friendship would work if I go on with my life and date others. But to me it actually is weird: this step from romantic to platonic. It makes me a bit insecure currently. I don’t know what to reply to his texts, when to reply to his texts, etc… Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: @SunshineSt: This is your interpretation. And when we like someone we're not a good judge at 'interpreting'. The facts are he never expressed having any other feelings than friendship for you in 6.5 months that means these feelings did not exist in him. Couldn’t it be more than friendship, but not enough for a relationship? I don’t think the world is black white Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 1 minute ago, SunshineSt said: I don’t know what to reply to his texts, when to reply to his texts, etc… I would reply that after giving it some thought I realize I am much more disappointed than I let on and to recover from this disappointment I need some time to myself. He can huff and puff all he wants, you're the one hurting, not him. Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 1 minute ago, SunshineSt said: I don’t want to do that to myself. The only way a friendship would work if I go on with my life and date others. But to me it actually is weird: this step from romantic to platonic. It makes me a bit insecure currently. I don’t know what to reply to his texts, when to reply to his texts, etc… Clearly you want your relationship with this guy to move to more than friends. You just can't let go. Its not weird for romance to move to platonic if the feelings is mutual friendship, in your case, you want more than that which he don't which is the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 1 minute ago, SunshineSt said: I don’t think the world is black white The world is not black & white but men are. Men are very simple when it comes to romantic feelings - They feel it or they don't. When they feel it it's usually pretty fast. We women have more complex feelings so we think men are like us. They're not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: The world is not black & white but men are. Men are very simple when it comes to romantic feelings - They feel it or they don't. When they feel it it's usually pretty fast. We women have more complex feelings so we think men are like us. They're not. I’m not sure. He has been hurt in his previous relationship. I have been hurt as well. We are not 20 anymore. It didn’t sound weird to me that he needed time. I need time as well Link to post Share on other sites
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