Men's point of view - Friendship

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know

The only apology you owe is to your future self, who's going to be crushed when he gets a new girlfriend and distances himself form you. 

 

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

imo there is a grey area between friendship and in love.

Indeed, that “grey area” is cluttered with women who are settling for a “friendship” with the hope that he will someday decide that she is so wonderful, he really does want to date her again…

You are just putting in time at this point.

This will work until it doesn’t. Someday, one of you will find someone else to date and that’s when this little arrangement will end. As was said above, you are about to learn the long drawn out and hard way that clean breaks are better… but that is entirely your prerogative. 

Edited October 1 by BaileyB

[SunshineSt]

Ok, thank you all, this does not make me feel better. 

I understand what you are saying. But it is not really emphatic. 

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, SunshineSt said:

Ok, thank you all, this does not make me feel better. 

I understand what you are saying. But it is not really emphatic. 

On the contrary, it’s emphatic because we have experience with this kind of thing and know what you’re feeling.

You’re currently entangled in your feelings and are clinging to hope. From the outside, it is clear that it would be better for you to break it off with that guy and move on, because otherwise you’ll be more hurt in the future. 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

Ok, thank you all, this does not make me feel better. 

What could we say to make you feel better? 

[SunshineSt]

Well, now you make me feel very stupid for finding it difficult to quit the friendship with him. You all make it sound very easy. Well, to me, it's not. And therefore I'm trying to see if it works emotionally for me to keep him into my life. As I don't want to end friendships, and yes: I know that he doesn't want more. It doesn't seem like a quilt-friendship from his side.

[NuevoYorko]

Just don't let it mess with your own self-worth when he starts dating and you are no longer in his life, because that is appropriate, under these circumstances.  It would not have anything to do with you.  

As long as you can just take it one day at a time and not expect anything further reaching,  and you don't put your emotions on the line,  what do you have to lose? 

Except I do hope you won't be putting this "friendship" above and ahead of your existing relationships with tried and true friends, your family members, or men with potential to actually date who ARE interested in you "that way."   This guy should be your last priority.

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life 🥺

 

21 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

Thank you, Gaeta. Based on the previous reactions I was a bit scared to share this. I'm such a stupid goat sometimes!!

I now try to start hating him. Telling myself he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe that works?

You don't have to apologize to us, OP.

And you don't have to do anything drastic. You can simply pull back from interacting with him. For example, if you used to initiate communication with him, do less of that. Maybe even stop initiating altogether. Over time, he'll play a less prominent role in your life and you will feel less attached to him.

[Georgia46]

If we’d been dating for 6.5 months and he told me that… I’d be GONE.  I’m not downgrading to your *mate* pal, find some other ones. 
 

weird behaviour OP. 

[SunshineSt]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Just don't let it mess with your own self-worth when he starts dating and you are no longer in his life, because that is appropriate, under these circumstances.  It would not have anything to do with you.  

As long as you can just take it one day at a time and not expect anything further reaching,  and you don't put your emotions on the line,  what do you have to lose? 

Except I do hope you won't be putting this "friendship" above and ahead of your existing relationships with tried and true friends, your family members, or men with potential to actually date who ARE interested in you "that way."   This guy should be your last priority.

I won't. And I will also have other dates. Indeed, I should not put my life on wait for him, and I won't do that.

[SunshineSt]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

 

You don't have to apologize to us, OP.

And you don't have to do anything drastic. You can simply pull back from interacting with him. For example, if you used to initiate communication with him, do less of that. Maybe even stop initiating altogether. Over time, he'll play a less prominent role in your life and you will feel less attached to him.

That sounds like a good strategy, thanks. For now, he is still calling and texting me daily. 

[SunshineSt]

1 hour ago, Georgia46 said:

If we’d been dating for 6.5 months and he told me that… I’d be GONE.  I’m not downgrading to your *mate* pal, find some other ones. 
 

weird behaviour OP. 

Why do you think it's weird behaviour? 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, SunshineSt said:

Why do you think it's weird behaviour? 

It's like being told you don't have the job, but you're free to sit out in the lobby and drink the coffee to watch who else is being interviewed.

You already know the outcome, yet you're hanging around to feed on scraps for no good reason.

Don't you have other friends and family who truly value you and you can invest in rather than living in your head just because the guy texts you?

He's not doing you any favors, he just doesn't know that--or he doesn't care because he likes building an audience. How gracious of him...

[SunshineSt]

32 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

It's like being told you don't have the job, but you're free to sit out in the lobby and drink the coffee to watch who else is being interviewed.

You already know the outcome, yet you're hanging around to feed on scraps for no good reason.

Don't you have other friends and family who truly value you and you can invest in rather than living in your head just because the guy texts you?

He's not doing you any favors, he just doesn't know that--or he doesn't care because he likes building an audience. How gracious of him...

The last sentence is a bit negative. I think he really likes to stay in touch and likes me in a non-romantical way. And of course I have other friends. But I believe the thing with friends is, is that they are not exchangeable. 

I'm trying to keep the friendship and stay open for other opportunities. 

[Leihla_B]

Just now, SunshineSt said:

I'm trying to keep the friendship and stay open for other opportunities. 

Okay, you do that. So what's the problem, then?

[SunshineSt]

Thank you for your extensive reply btw, i appreciate it although it is not easy to hear.

For now, I feel like I want to try this. And probably it is not the wisest thing to do - and you will probably later all say: "TOLD YOU SO!" - but it also doesn't feel good to cut off the contact now and to not try to build up a friendship out of the time we  spent together. And as soon as I notice that I keep myself hanging, I will have to do something about the situation (which will then of course be very difficult, but I have to promise that to myself). My question was more if someone of you have experienced something similar and his behaviour came off as quite confusing to me.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

I won't. And I will also have other dates. Indeed, I should not put my life on wait for him, and I won't do that.

I mentioned earlier about what if one of your new dates turns into a boyfriend but objects to your ex still being a significant part of your life?    If you had a boyfriend who was frequently chatting with, meeting and exchanging pics or snaps with his ex, would you be OK with it?

[SunshineSt]

But isn’t this a question for when that (a boyfriend) is the case? This is not the reality now. I also hope that this future boyfriend will trust me and my loyalty. Although I understand it will lead to questions 
Not sure if this makes a difference but its also not an official ex as we never had a relationship

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

But isn’t this a question for when that (a boyfriend) is the case? This is not the reality now.

I'm more concerned about you and your reaction when he gets a new girlfriend.  I think it's going to be hard on you. I hope you will be involved with another man by the time this happens.  Being his friend, would you have a problem meeting her and being around them?

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

But isn’t this a question for when that (a boyfriend) is the case? This is not the reality now. I also hope that this future boyfriend will trust me and my loyalty. Although I understand it will lead to questions 
Not sure if this makes a difference but its also not an official ex as we never had a relationship

Does he know what you look like without your underpants on?  If so, it makes no difference. 

Your loyalty should be to your new boyfriend, not some guy from your past who you briefly dated

[Gaeta]

44 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

Not sure if this makes a difference but its also not an official ex as we never had a relationship

I must ask, do you have a little bit of dating experience?

I don't know many men who would appreciate their girlfriend being friends with a man she used to have sex with. We see these stories so many times on here. These friendships almost always jeapordize the relationship. It's not a matter of trust, actually it's a matter of respect toward that special someone entering your life.

 

[FredEire]

One of my aunties has an unusual dating history in that most of her exes are still her friend.

The difference is that they were in her friend group first. So they were friends, dated, broke up and went back to being friends.

I think this can work sometimes, but going from strangers to intimate and then downgrading to friends rarely if ever works.

Edited October 1 by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

But I believe the thing with friends is, is that they are not exchangeable. 

Of course friends are exchangeable. When friendship with someone makes you feel bad, or when one of the friends has ulterior motives, people usually choose to stop being friends.

You keep saying that you want to try to be friends with this man, and that he genuinely wants to be friends with you. But the problem is that you don’t. To you this friendship is just a sad compromise that you feel you must make. It’s a substitute to which you reluctantly agree because you can’t get the real thing, romantic relationship with him. You are actually using this friendship as a stepping stone to hope.

Do you think this is healthy and fair to your friend?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

I also hope that this future boyfriend will trust me and my loyalty.

But do you think it would be loyal to your future boyfriend to continue having daily phone calls and one-on-one meetings with a man you used to date?

It’s one thing to be friends with an ex in the sense of having occasional conversations, congratulating each other on birthdays, meeting in groups, and such. But what you’re having now is a very close friendship with a romantic tinge. I don’t think any man you date is going to like this. 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

That sounds like a good strategy, thanks. For now, he is still calling and texting me daily. 

This is way too much for friendship. It would be too much even for a friendship that had always been platonic.

This guy is playing the downgraded relationship game. I don't know whether he's doing it consciously or he's just clueless about how to end a relationship properly and allow each other to move on, but he's pretty much acting like you're still in a relationship minus the emotional responsibility that comes with one.

You need to get too busy for daily phone calls. Tell him, "We'll catch up on the weekend" or something like that. As for the texting, respond once or twice, maybe in the evening when the workday is done. And then shut down the communication until the next day. Over time, reduce it to a much less frequent interval. If he means well and it's just guilt or concern that's keeping him in orbit, he will take the hint and communicate less frequently. He shouldn't complain because at the end of the day, you're just friends. Somewhere along the way, you may want to mention that you're dating someone else (even if you're not). It will help cement the boundaries you're setting up.