Finding the right match for me

[LaurenE]

I'm 32, and really want love in my life. I have a good head on my shoulders. Work a good job, have a sweet, fun personality, dress well and try to look nice, am very caring, and responsible. I even own my own home. I genuinely think I am a good catch. 

But I can't for the life of me, meet someone I connect with at all. I see all my friends who have passed me by and gotten married, and are having kids. They have great connections with their husbands. 

I've dated so many men in the last ten years and there just isn't a sprawling connection.  I don't meet men out in the world often, so I try online dating. I've even found in some instances that men are intimidated by me, think I am too good and too put together for them. I don't feel that way, but they do. Timing has never been right. Other times, I've let guys who are really bad into my life because I seek love. 

My friends all met their spouses online. So I try online dating. 

I keep meeting these horrible men online. They drink excessively, smoke, make bad decisions, are horrible with finances, inconsistent. 

I like them at first and we always go through that honeymoon stage. But then when we really get to know each other, we realize we aren't compatible and I feel a lack of true connection that people talk about. 

We always break up at this point. I am looking for a man who is consistent, reliable, and puts me first. I want genuine connection and to feel comfortable like I can be myself and trust the person. I just haven't found a guy where I really feel that strongly confident in him. 

I want to build a life with someone and have a family. 

This brings me to my next point. Years ago, I started a new job. I met this really nice woman at work. She is my mother's age. We have become extremely close friends. She has all sons. She calls me her daughter now. She loves me like a daughter. Her husband and children like me. I go over her house often and I fit right in. 

Her one son is married, but her daughter in law isn't that nice to her. She prefers to hangout with me, because I am so nice and kind to her. She even told me how her daughter in law is jealous of me. I thought this was funny. 

When we met years ago, she told me that I remind her of her son, Paul. She says when I talk and say my thoughts, I sound just like Paul. Paul and I like similar things, think similarly. 

Years ago she tried to get Paul and I to date. Her husband and she wanted Paul and I to be together. Her husband told Paul to ask me out.  She connected Paul and I, and we became friends. Paul is smart,  attractive, and completely my type. She told me that Paul told her he liked me and thought I was pretty. That he would date me if his life was more together. 

But Paul refused to date me because he was struggling in his life. Paul was in the military for years. Then went to college later. But then struggled to build a career after college. He was in his 30s by this time, around the time when we met. Paul, then had no money, no job, got laid off during covid. His life was a mess. He told his mom as much as he liked me, he didn't want to date, because he felt I was too good for him and he wanted to do it right by taking me out and showering me as a man should.  He couldnt provide for me and he wanted to build a life with someone and be the man to take care of them.  So he refused to take me out or ask me out. We've now been friends for 5 years. 

In this time, I've dated others. All losers that never lasted. Paul hasn't dated anyone. 

A year ago Paul moved far away for a job. A 3 hour plane ride away. He still lives there in a small in-law apartment he rents from someone. He's still trying to get his life together. It's still a bit messy. He struggles with money. 

But he still talks to me all the time. He leaves me sweet voice messages on my phone. Checks in on me. We are friends. He is so kind. So my type. We get along so well.  His mom tells him about me, and she tells me about him. His mom mentions all the time that one day we'll get married. I keep mentioning to both he and his mom that he should move back here. He is open to it, but he needs to get more stable with a career. 

When I talk to Paul, I get all happy, I smile, I'm giddy, he makes me happy. He's intelligent, kind, interesting, cute. 

He's the nicest guy I've ever met. I could see myself with a guy like him. I just planned a weekend getaway with his mom. Now we travel together and are best friends. We get to our destination and she pulls a gift out of her bag for me. Paul heard about our trip and mailed her and I gifts to use for our trip. It was the sweetest thing ever. He thought of her and of me. She mentioned again on our trip that Paul and I getting married someday. 

She thinks we are kindred spirits. She says every time I point out something I like or make comments about something, it sounds just like Paul. 

I'm still online meeting and talking to guys, but the conversations fade, we don't connect, I am not finding anyone who puts the effort into truly getting to know me. It's so surface level and effortless. Conversations die out quickly and I just feel tired and hopeless. I want to get married and have kids. I just am not meeting the right man. In the back of my mind is that tiny little voice reminding me that Paul is out there and I think I sort of love him. When he leaves me little voice messages, gives me little gifts, I smile and can't wait to hear his voice again. Our families already get along. His mom loves me like a daughter already. He says he would love to get married and build a family someday soon. Once he gets his life together and has more stability.  But he doesn't say anything about building a life with me exactly. But we've never dated, so why would he. We text, talk, send voice messages back and forth. We spent one whole day together when he lived here, but it was at his parents house and they were there too. It wasnt a date. We've spent hours here and there together when I am with his mom. But he engaged me during that time. But again, not even close to a date. His dad kept saying he should hangout at my house with me. But he felt guilty crashing at my house and not being able to take me to dinner or out. His mom said he was open to girls in his area, even tried talking to one girl he saw, but that he hasn't met anyone good either. He isn't really trying to actively date like I am either. 

My friends say I'm foolish. Waiting on a guy who could go out and meet someone else tomorrow. A guy that lives so far away, and may never come back. They are right. I know it's crazy. 

I could use some advice! I'm not liking anyone I meet online. I really like Paul. But he won't date me because his life is messy. I figure, there has to be a reason he still texts me, calls me, sends gifts. Why bother? 

I want to find true love, true conection, true happiness with someone. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

Edited September 17, 2024 by LaurenE

[ShyViolet]

Paul has made it very clear that he's not interested in dating you.  So you need to stop chasing this fantasy of being with him.  If he was interested in you, he would have dated you a long time ago.  The guy is just not into you; accept it.  The fact that's he's nice to you, is still your friend, etc. doesn't change that.  He's being a friend. His parents need to stop meddling and constantly saying that you two should be together.  He's an adult and they don't speak for him.  Clinging to this fantasy of being with someone who is not interested in you is certainly not going to help you get closer to your goal of finding a relationship.

[Gebidozo]

When a man is interested in a woman romantically, he acts. Paul hasn’t acted. He isn’t trying to get together with you. For whatever reasons, he isn’t interested in you romantically. You have to stop thinking about him and become emotionally available to other men.

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, LaurenE said:

I keep meeting these horrible men online. They drink excessively, smoke, make bad decisions, are horrible with finances, inconsistent. 

I like them at first and we always go through that honeymoon stage. But then when we really get to know each other, we realize we aren't compatible and I feel a lack of true connection that people talk about. 

That is where you're wasting your time. 

Online dating is the perfect way to filter who we meet. I could tell from our first conversation if I was dealing with  drinkers, smokers, irresponsible men just by asking them questions about their work, family, kids, etc. No matter how sexy they were, no matter how much I thought him and I connected I never pursued men that did not meet my criteria's.  

Question: Do you have criteria?? People without a plan, without standards, and criteria end up meeting the worse online has to offer.

Paul has never done anything for you. You have zero idea how Paul is in his private life. Your words:  He's still trying to get his life together. It's still a bit messy. Why do you consider this guy datable? I don't see the difference between Paul and the bunch of joe blows you date from online. All mothers think their sons are the salt of the earth, even the losers sons. 

 

[LaurenE]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That is where you're wasting your time. 

Online dating is the perfect way to filter who we meet. I could tell from our first conversation if I was dealing with  drinkers, smokers, irresponsible men just by asking them questions about their work, family, kids, etc. No matter how sexy they were, no matter how much I thought him and I connected I never pursued men that did not meet my criteria's.  

Question: Do you have criteria?? People without a plan, without standards, and criteria end up meeting the worse online has to offer.

Paul has never done anything for you. You have zero idea how Paul is in his private life. Your words:  He's still trying to get his life together. It's still a bit messy. Why do you consider this guy datable? I don't see the difference between Paul and the bunch of joe blows you date from online. All mothers think their sons are the salt of the earth, even the losers sons. 

 

As I was writing this,  I did think of that. Paul doesn't have his life together. Paul takes care of himself. He's clean. He's organized. He's smart. I keep meeting guys who drink, smoke, they are dirty, messy, disorganized, unintelligent.  They lie about it too. I dated one guy for a month who finally broke down and told me he smoked in secret and his sister had been the one messaging me, not him, because he was too nervous. He lied. 

I have standards. I want a guy like me. Stable career, stable place to live, responsible with life choices and money, helpful, caring, clean, wants to have a family. Values family. Values being intellectual. Speaks and writes properly. I was messaging one guy, and he wasn't even typing proper sentences. Paul is all those things except stable career. 

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, LaurenE said:

I keep meeting guys who drink, smoke, they are dirty, messy, disorganized, unintelligent.  They lie about it too. I dated one guy for a month who finally broke down and told me he smoked in secret and his sister had been the one messaging me, not him, because he was too nervous. He lied. 

You think Paul is a catch because you keep comparing him to the fishes that swim at the bottom of the barrel. That's how you measure the quality of a man? Paul is an adult man who has no solid job, no stable place to live, no money and this since covid, that was 4 years ago. In 4 years Paul should have gotten back on track. He hasn't. Something is going on with Paul. Paul only has himself to take care so ask yourself WHY after 4 years he's still not back on track. Paul is hiding something, that keeps him in this rut,  but you're turning your eyes and not looking. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, LaurenE said:

I'm 32, and really want love in my life. I have a good head on my shoulders. Work a good job, have a sweet, fun personality, dress well and try to look nice, am very caring, and responsible. I even own my own home. I genuinely think I am a good catch. 

But I can't for the life of me, meet someone I connect with at all. I see all my friends who have passed me by and gotten married, and are having kids. They have great connections with their husbands. 

I've dated so many men in the last ten years and there just isn't a sprawling connection.  I don't meet men out in the world often, so I try online dating. I've even found in some instances that men are intimidated by me, think I am too good and too put together for them. I don't feel that way, but they do. Timing has never been right. Other times, I've let guys who are really bad into my life because I seek love. 

My friends all met their spouses online. So I try online dating. 

I keep meeting these horrible men online. They drink excessively, smoke, make bad decisions, are horrible with finances, inconsistent. 

I like them at first and we always go through that honeymoon stage. But then when we really get to know each other, we realize we aren't compatible and I feel a lack of true connection that people talk about. 

We always break up at this point. I am looking for a man who is consistent, reliable, and puts me first. I want genuine connection and to feel comfortable like I can be myself and trust the person. I just haven't found a guy where I really feel that strongly confident in him. 

I want to build a life with someone and have a family. 

This brings me to my next point. Years ago, I started a new job. I met this really nice woman at work. She is my mother's age. We have become extremely close friends. She has all sons. She calls me her daughter now. She loves me like a daughter. Her husband and children like me. I go over her house often and I fit right in. 

Her one son is married, but her daughter in law isn't that nice to her. She prefers to hangout with me, because I am so nice and kind to her. She even told me how her daughter in law is jealous of me. I thought this was funny. 

When we met years ago, she told me that I remind her of her son, Paul. She says when I talk and say my thoughts, I sound just like Paul. Paul and I like similar things, think similarly. 

Years ago she tried to get Paul and I to date. Her husband and she wanted Paul and I to be together. Her husband told Paul to ask me out.  She connected Paul and I, and we became friends. Paul is smart,  attractive, and completely my type. She told me that Paul told her he liked me and thought I was pretty. That he would date me if his life was more together. 

But Paul refused to date me because he was struggling in his life. Paul was in the military for years. Then went to college later. But then struggled to build a career after college. He was in his 30s by this time, around the time when we met. Paul, then had no money, no job, got laid off during covid. His life was a mess. He told his mom as much as he liked me, he didn't want to date, because he felt I was too good for him and he wanted to do it right by taking me out and showering me as a man should.  He couldnt provide for me and he wanted to build a life with someone and be the man to take care of them.  So he refused to take me out or ask me out. We've now been friends for 5 years. 

In this time, I've dated others. All losers that never lasted. Paul hasn't dated anyone. 

A year ago Paul moved far away for a job. A 3 hour plane ride away. He still lives there in a small in-law apartment he rents from someone. He's still trying to get his life together. It's still a bit messy. He struggles with money. 

But he still talks to me all the time. He leaves me sweet voice messages on my phone. Checks in on me. We are friends. He is so kind. So my type. We get along so well.  His mom tells him about me, and she tells me about him. His mom mentions all the time that one day we'll get married. I keep mentioning to both he and his mom that he should move back here. He is open to it, but he needs to get more stable with a career. 

When I talk to Paul, I get all happy, I smile, I'm giddy, he makes me happy. He's intelligent, kind, interesting, cute. 

He's the nicest guy I've ever met. I could see myself with a guy like him. I just planned a weekend getaway with his mom. Now we travel together and are best friends. We get to our destination and she pulls a gift out of her bag for me. Paul heard about our trip and mailed her and I gifts to use for our trip. It was the sweetest thing ever. He thought of her and of me. She mentioned again on our trip that Paul and I getting married someday. 

She thinks we are kindred spirits. She says every time I point out something I like or make comments about something, it sounds just like Paul. 

I'm still online meeting and talking to guys, but the conversations fade, we don't connect, I am not finding anyone who puts the effort into truly getting to know me. It's so surface level and effortless. Conversations die out quickly and I just feel tired and hopeless. I want to get married and have kids. I just am not meeting the right man. In the back of my mind is that tiny little voice reminding me that Paul is out there and I think I sort of love him. When he leaves me little voice messages, gives me little gifts, I smile and can't wait to hear his voice again. Our families already get along. His mom loves me like a daughter already. He says he would love to get married and build a family someday soon. Once he gets his life together and has more stability.  But he doesn't say anything about building a life with me exactly. But we've never dated, so why would he. We text, talk, send voice messages back and forth. We spent one whole day together when he lived here, but it was at his parents house and they were there too. It wasnt a date. We've spent hours here and there together when I am with his mom. But he engaged me during that time. But again, not even close to a date. His dad kept saying he should hangout at my house with me. But he felt guilty crashing at my house and not being able to take me to dinner or out. His mom said he was open to girls in his area, even tried talking to one girl he saw, but that he hasn't met anyone good either. He isn't really trying to actively date like I am either. 

My friends say I'm foolish. Waiting on a guy who could go out and meet someone else tomorrow. A guy that lives so far away, and may never come back. They are right. I know it's crazy. 

I could use some advice! I'm not liking anyone I meet online. I really like Paul. But he won't date me because his life is messy. I figure, there has to be a reason he still texts me, calls me, sends gifts. Why bother? 

I want to find true love, true conection, true happiness with someone. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

You are foolish waiting for something that will not come.

 

my question is you are likely not doing something correctly when dating online.  Maybe you seem to pull the same type that just doesn’t fit with you.

[NuevoYorko]

Hm.  This is a story we have heard before.   

As usual, you are pretty much perfect, and it's all the other people around you who are the problems.  

Though we have discussed "Paul" and his mother before, and nothing is different, here are the facts:

If he wanted to date you he'd make a move in that direction.

His life is a mess.  Evidently he has better social skills than the usual guys you date, but that's about the main difference.

The fact that you're so enmeshed with his mother is not a plus.

The guys you find so objectionable who you've been dating - well, that's really weird that you would date people you felt were so beneath you.  Why do you continue to repeat that pattern?

You are fantasizing about this Paul character.   You would have no idea how the two of you would work unless you actually dated and got to know him (aside from his mother's opinion of him) and this is not happening anytime soon.  Again, he has not tried, and he lives far away.

So leave that in the "fantasy" department and if you want to be in a romantic partnership, start doing the work you need to do with YOURSELF and quit spending all your time projecting outwards with your focus on all the things wrong with other people and they way they do things.

Good luck!

[LaurenE]

That's my other big issue. I keep settling for guys who just aren't good. I am not perfect at all. But I have alot going for me and a lot to lose being with the wrong person. I have my struggles,  but they pale in comparison to these guys I'm meeting. I try hard not to judge, to give guys a chance. They lie, they try to impress at first and I fall in, then they aren't that great and I expect more. I feel like I go in with my best foot forward. But I am myself and then they just lose interest. The golden hue wears off. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, LaurenE said:

They lie, they try to impress at first and I fall in, then they aren't that great and I expect more

Talk is cheap. Stop beleiving their words and judge them by their actions.

If you keep meeting the same losers then the problem is your radar. 

There are plenty of good men online, men with good jobs, honest, good values. You said all your friends found their husband online, ask these friends to look at your profile and at how you present yourself.  Ask them to guide you.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, LaurenE said:

and puts me first.

After all the positive things you have to say about yourself, you snuck this one in     When you're in a relationship, it doesn't revolve around you and your needs.  Instead, it's about give and take.  Sometimes you will want different things and so you give and take to find a balance where both of your needs are met.   Yes, this means that sometimes you'll be left at home on a weekend when he goes skiing or golfing with the boys.  And it also means that he'll do things for you which he doesn't particularly want to do.  But mostly, you would expect to be doing things you both like doing

Moving on....with the unsuitable guys who you are meeting (including Paul, who most of us wouldn't even consider) you are the constant.   It's important to look at what you're doing which sees you ending up with these guys.   Could it be that you're spending too long dating them without seeing their actual lifestyle?    Though you know Paul's lifestyle and you're still interested in him despite him very much not having his s*** together

 

Edited September 17, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

After all the positive things you have to say about yourself, you snuck this one in    

 

Not to mention this is so unrealistic, considering that Paul and Alex LaurenE have never dated and as far as I can recall haven't spent significant time together.  So who's to know who would be "put first" in real life situations.  That's what dating is for, really.  To find out about the other person.  

Obviously Paul's mother is crazy about him but she certainly has a bias ... and she also is well aware of the OP's history.  Could be her dream come true that her boy hitches up with a woman who always has a steady income and owns her own home.  That would relieve her concerns about his future.

Seriously, I think it's ok for one person to work and the other one not to if it serves them both well in the relationship.   But, OP is not kindly disposed to ANY of the other deadbeat types she's dated.  This might not pan out differently than they did.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, LaurenE said:

But I have alot going for me and a lot to lose being with the wrong person.

So does everyone else. Also, “wrong person” is just “incompatible person” in most cases. You make it sound like it has to be a “bad person”. Like you are a good, high quality object, and those men are faulty wares. It’s not very pleasant to read your description of your dating troubles. 

 

2 hours ago, LaurenE said:

I have my struggles,  but they pale in comparison to these guys I'm meeting.

You see, I’m a guy and I’m already turned off by this sentence of yours. Nobody wants to date a person who thinks they are better than you. And nobody wants to date a woman who judges them for this and for that while secretly longing for some unrealistically perfect “Paul”.

You want men to treat you well, but how are you treating them? You date them while thinking of your Prince Charming and constantly compare them to him. You judge them for smoking (!) and making bad decisions (?) while moaning over some youthful fantasy of yours. You are emotionally unavailable, and that will never make any man emotionally available to you.

[LaurenE]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

After all the positive things you have to say about yourself, you snuck this one in     When you're in a relationship, it doesn't revolve around you and your needs.  Instead, it's about give and take.  Sometimes you will want different things and so you give and take to find a balance where both of your needs are met.   Yes, this means that sometimes you'll be left at home on a weekend when he goes skiing or golfing with the boys.  And it also means that he'll do things for you which he doesn't particularly want to do.  But mostly, you would expect to be doing things you both like doing

Moving on....with the unsuitable guys who you are meeting (including Paul, who most of us wouldn't even consider) you are the constant.   It's important to look at what you're doing which sees you ending up with these guys.   Could it be that you're spending too long dating them without seeing their actual lifestyle?    Though you know Paul's lifestyle and you're still interested in him despite him very much not having his s*** together

 

In my past relationships,  it was all me giving and them not budging an inch for me. I gave so much. I did things I didn't always like for them, and I got very little of that reciprocated. I'm willing to love, to do for them, to give. I have guys take advantage of my kindness and my flexibility. My last boyfriend refused to do anything he didn't want to do and only did for himself. He told me he wouldn't change who he was at all. If I wanted to do something he didn't, he suggested I do it with my friends, but I wanted to do it with my boyfriend. An example was a concert I really wanted to see. He refused. Whereas if he asked me to go to things with him, I said yes, because it made him happy and it was us spending time together. A friend of mine goes to WWE wrestling matches with her boyfriend. She doesn't like wrestling. But she goes because he likes it. And he wants her to be with him. He, in turn,  goes and does things with her that she enjoys, such as outings with her family. 

I've never had that with a guy. I date guys and it's good, but the minute stuff becomes inconvenient or hard, they bail on me. I want the guy who gives a little extra just to make me smile. My other friend has a boyfriend who plows snow. We live in Canada so it's snowy. When we have a storm he leaves and is super busy for days. Understandable. It's his job. But he will purposely drive over to her house and write messages in snow to her outside. Its sweet and considerate. It shows he's thinking of her. 

Edited September 18, 2024 by LaurenE

[bpb2017]

 

Your post has a great love story element and I think you're a great writer — normally I'd never read such a long post.

9 hours ago, LaurenE said:

I've dated so many men in the last ten years

Great. Whatever you do, do not say this line to any man

 

9 hours ago, LaurenE said:

My friends all met their spouses online. So I try online dating. 

For many reasons, online dating has become the most realistic way to find dates for anyone under 40. I've found that even in bars and clubs everyone is in friend mode, and then you could match with the same person on a dating app later. Dating has because very app based. You have to stick with it unfortunately.

9 hours ago, LaurenE said:

men are intimidated by me, think I am too good and too put together for them.

Perhaps you're presenting yourself as in-your-face wife material, too soon.

9 hours ago, LaurenE said:

He told his mom as much as he liked me, he didn't want to date, because he felt I was too good for him

What guy would ever turn down a girl that he thought was too good. To me it sounds like this Paul guy is just entertaining his mother, and not actually interesting in you.

9 hours ago, LaurenE said:

I'm still online meeting and talking to guys, but the conversations fade, we don't connect, I am not finding anyone who puts the effort into truly getting to know me. It's so surface level and effortless. Conversations die out quickly and I just feel tired and hopeless. I want to get married and have kids.

Even if you meet the right guy, you wouldn't notice it while you have this Paul fantasy in your head.

[Gaeta]

When we talk about our dating experience and it's all negative, it's always them at fault, nothing good comes our way....it"s time to take a break from dating. You sound bitter and that does not attract the right people.

[LaurenE]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

So does everyone else. Also, “wrong person” is just “incompatible person” in most cases. You make it sound like it has to be a “bad person”. Like you are a good, high quality object, and those men are faulty wares. It’s not very pleasant to read your description of your dating troubles. 

 

You see, I’m a guy and I’m already turned off by this sentence of yours. Nobody wants to date a person who thinks they are better than you. And nobody wants to date a woman who judges them for this and for that while secretly longing for some unrealistically perfect “Paul”.

You want men to treat you well, but how are you treating them? You date them while thinking of your Prince Charming and constantly compare them to him. You judge them for smoking (!) and making bad decisions (?) while moaning over some youthful fantasy of yours. You are emotionally unavailable, and that will never make any man emotionally available to you.

You haven't heard the guys I've dated. I am a quality woman. No harm in being confident in that. I eat well. I workout. I care about my career, my body,my mind, being intellectual. Do I have my dumb moments, sure! I'm funny and silly sometimes. I have my life passions.

The last guy I dated, I went to his apartment after dating for a while and it was so disgusting. He had gnats from filth, he didn't clean, his trash smelled and was overflowing onto the floor, toothbrush was covered in soap scum, his place wreaked of dog pee, and he picked me up in his car and he had a months worth of fast food wrappers in the backseat. He told me he found maggots back there. He left old food out everywhere, had empty alcohol bottles thrown around everywhere, and laughed about getting so drunk one night that he peed himself in his bed. At 30 years old. I didn't know this until I went to his house. We had been dating and going out when we met up prior to this. 

Another guy showed up on the date by Uber, then told me his car had a court ordered breathalyzer in it, because he got a DUI, so he has to Uber everywhere, and proceeded to drink and drink on our date. I even gave him a chance and went on a second date with him. I was trying to be considerate and open that he may be a good person. He showed up to our date hungover. Then he showed me his apartment and it was a shrine to his ex-girlfriend. She moved out and left everything she owned. 

The other guy I dated was polite and nice. But something was just off. I felt uncomfortable physically around him. He made me cringe. He wasn't ugly. It wasn't looks. It was his body language. He made me uncomfortable at times. He acted awkward and tense even holding hands. I gave him a shot still. I didnt judge. Finally after a couple months, he broke down and told me his sister is the one that chatted with me online and is the one who texts me. He doesn't know what to say to me ever.  At first, I thought that was sweet in a way. But then he tells me he is a 32 year old Virgin and was hoping I just threw him on my bed one night and taught him to have sex. We never did it.  And that he just sits in his room and smokes Marijuana all day and night, getting high. And he loves his life. 

Am I not supposed to judge that? Want more for my life? These are just three of many in the last 5 years. 

[bpb2017]

6 minutes ago, LaurenE said:

These are just three of many in the last 5 years. 

All those guys sound like real catches, what's the problem? Kidding🙃

 

Screen your dates before meeting up, or even before you swipe. I'm sure you could have weeded out all those guys way earlier.

If his bio doesn't have a bunch of pictures then ask for socials. If he doesn't use social media then a video call that you cleverly make sure is when he's back home so you can get a glimpse of his place. At the very least have a voice call before any date. Be smart.

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, bpb2017 said:

Screen your dates before meeting up, or even before you swipe. I'm sure you could have weeded out all those guys way earlier.

I was going to say exactly that. It doesn't take 1 month dating to discover a man lives in filth, is alcoholic or a pothead. I don't know how she screens those men. I can tell quite a bit from a first meeting: are his nails clean, what his shoes look like, is his shirt crisp clean. I doubt a man that has maggots in his car and home is someone with great personal hygiene. 

[LaurenE]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was going to say exactly that. It doesn't take 1 month dating to discover a man lives in filth, is alcoholic or a pothead. I don't know how she screens those men. I can tell quite a bit from a first meeting: are his nails clean, what his shoes look like, is his shirt crisp clean. I doubt a man that has maggots in his car and home is someone with great personal hygiene. 

I'm telling you. I ask them questions and they skirt around it and lie. I will say- Oh I hate smoking and it's a huge dealbreaker for me. They will agree like they think that too. So we start going out, and then a month in, they slyly tell me they only smoke once in a while with their guy friends on a guys night out rarely. They it becomes more and more, until it's all the time. 

The guy who eventually came out saying his sister messages me and that he smokes day in and day out, said when I told him smoking is a huge deal-breaker for me, he purposely hid it from me. 

And if I don't go to their place after a month, I wouldn't know they are dirty or disgusting. My last boyfriend was so gross, but showed up on our dates clean and put together. I had no idea until I saw his place. We went out and met out to go on dates. 

 

Edited September 18, 2024 by LaurenE

[Leihla_B]

For all we know, Paul is doing just fine and likes to humor his mother from far away. Regardless of whether he's pulled his life together in 5 years or not, he's not interested in you romantically, no matter how charming he's been from a safe distance or whatever excuses he's fed to you and his mom.

I'm not saying any of this to be cruel, but your crush on this guy may be your biggest barrier to finding simpatico with someone else.

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker?

[happyhorizons]

23 hours ago, LaurenE said:

I'm telling you. I ask them questions and they skirt around it and lie. I will say- Oh I hate smoking and it's a huge dealbreaker for me. They will agree like they think that too. So we start going out, and then a month in, they slyly tell me they only smoke once in a while with their guy friends on a guys night out rarely. They it becomes more and more, until it's all the time. 

The guy who eventually came out saying his sister messages me and that he smokes day in and day out, said when I told him smoking is a huge deal-breaker for me, he purposely hid it from me. 

And if I don't go to their place after a month, I wouldn't know they are dirty or disgusting. My last boyfriend was so gross, but showed up on our dates clean and put together. I had no idea until I saw his place. We went out and met out to go on dates. 

 

You certainly do not need to compromise on what you both want and need in a partner. I tend to agree with your opinions on “bad” habits not being appealing. Do what makes you happy and the most comfortable. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 9/17/2024 at 6:49 PM, LaurenE said:

In my past relationships,  it was all me giving and them not budging an inch for me. I gave so much. I did things I didn't always like for them, and I got very little of that reciprocated. I'm willing to love, to do for them, to give. I have guys take advantage of my kindness and my flexibility. My last boyfriend refused to do anything he didn't want to do and only did for himself. He told me he wouldn't change who he was at all.

The million dollar question:  WHY on Earth do you continue to date this type of guy?   WHY do you bother with relationships like that?  Many of us were here for your last "boyfriend" debacle.   You spent pages upon pages detailing how he done you wrong and sure as shootin' you were right there ready for more of the same the next day.  And the next.  And the next.  Until he was gone of his own accord.  

I have an inkling of why you select this type of guy as a boyfriend and then stick with it.  

I think it's important for you to feel superior to others.

Am I on to something here?

 

[NuevoYorko]

On 9/18/2024 at 6:30 AM, LaurenE said:

I'm telling you. I ask them questions and they skirt around it and lie. I will say- Oh I hate smoking and it's a huge dealbreaker for me. They will agree like they think that too. So we start going out, and then a month in, they slyly tell me they only smoke once in a while with their guy friends on a guys night out rarely.

Confused:  Didn't you say smoking is a "huge dealbreaker" for you?  So why did you hang in there after you found out not only that he's a smoker, but he lied?

This is very hard to understand.

You don't seem to take any accountability for your own choices at all.

 

[Gebidozo]

On 9/18/2024 at 10:16 AM, LaurenE said:

I am a quality woman.

What are you, a ware that needs advertising? Has no one ever told you how off-putting this kind of bragging was?

 

On 9/18/2024 at 10:16 AM, LaurenE said:

Do I have my dumb moments, sure! I'm funny and silly sometimes.

Of course, even your flaws are actually quirky and attractive🙄 No wonder men are intimidated by you, you’re just so perfect…

 

On 9/18/2024 at 10:16 AM, LaurenE said:

I gave him a shot still. I didnt judge.

That, there, is your problem. You think yourself better than those men and you don’t even like them, but for some inexplicable reasons give them “shots”. What does this have to do with judging? You should be with men to whom you are attracted, period. Rejecting a man for whatever reason is not judgmental. Thinking yourself perfect, moaning over some unattainable “Paul” and thinking of people in terms of “quality” is.

 

On 9/18/2024 at 10:16 AM, LaurenE said:

Am I not supposed to judge that? Want more for my life?

Of course you aren’t supposed to judge that. You’re supposed to stop dating those weird men. This has absolutely nothing to do with judging them. This is not a race for moral perfection. It’s dating. It’s about attraction and compatibility, not about comparing people and figuring out who’s better.

Edited September 21, 2024 by Gebidozo