My boyfriend would like a boundary that we don't dance with strangers at weddings. Is he being controlling?

[folklore2093]

 

We had a misunderstanding at a previous wedding that when he quickly went to the restroom, a guy, who neither of us knew and was single (I assume, he was at the wedding by himself and found out later through a group game he was unmarried) approached me while I was sitting down waiting for my boyfriend a, extended his hand to dance, but didn't say anything. This caught me off guard a bit and I thought my boyfriend would be okay with it, as it's normal at Polish weddings (we live in Poland, but he's not Polish, I am) to dance with other guests, even strangers, regardless of relationship status. I wasn't thinking and just acted out of awkwardness and took his hand to dance. The dance didn't last very long and I kept my distance from the guy of about a foot or two and I didn't smile or make eye contact with him. He didn't even look at me or say anything either. The whole dance was awkward and uncomfortable for me. Close to the end of it, I saw my boyfriend sitting down at the table out of the corner of my eye and I looked over to him and just smirked out of awkwardness of the situation, but I could tell he was visibly unhappy about it. Once the dance ended the guy and I just gave a head nod to each other and we went our separate ways. I had to reassure my boyfriend that the whole thing is normal and it was nothing romantic and that I didn't enjoy it. The rest of the night turned out to be fine and the guy never approached me again, probably because he saw us together but never did prior to that song and dance. 

 

Although it was a misunderstanding, I can tell it really affected my boyfriend. He said he would never dance with any other girl who is a stranger to him because if he's there with me, he wants to dance with me. He wants us to have a boundary where we don't dance with strangers at weddings, but to me this is a bit controlling and possessive. There is literally nothing wrong with dancing with someone else. I understand my boyfriend's feelings towards it, but I didn't do anything wrong and it's his problem if he can't accept that it's a normal thing at Polish weddings.

 

So what do you guys think? Can we find a middle ground on this? I'm not willing to sacrifice anything for anybody.

 

TL;DR - Bf wants to have a boundary where we don't dance with other strangers, especially singles, at weddings, but I think he's being controlling and possessive.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

I'm not willing to sacrifice anything for anybody.

Then you should not be in a romantic relationship. 

Romantic relationship = compromising. Especially if you are dating someone of a different culture, religion. You negotiate and you meet in the middle. 

If some dude drags me on the dance floor to dance to Lady Gaga, sure! As long as it does not involve him having his hands on me. 

If I remember your last thread on this subject, what bothered your boyfriend was that this man had his hands on your hips. If it's the only problem you have in your relationship then be glad and tell him from now on you will refuse dances that involves a man touching you. 

Honestly would you be ok with your boyfriend having his 2 hands on another woman's hips?

[folklore2093]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then you should not be in a romantic relationship. 

Romantic relationship = compromising. Especially if you are dating someone of a different culture, religion. You negotiate and you meet in the middle. 

If some dude drags me on the dance floor to dance to Lady Gaga, sure! As long as it does not involve him having his hands on me. 

If I remember your last thread on this subject, what bothered your boyfriend was that this man had his hands on your hips. If it's the only problem you have in your relationship then be glad and tell him from now on you will refuse dances that involves a man touching you. 

Honestly would you be ok with your boyfriend having his 2 hands on another woman's hips?

He only had one hand on my hip and he was holding my other hand with his hand. This is literally how men and women dance with each other.

I won't mind if he dances with other women at weddings

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

I won't mind if he dances with other women at weddings

Even if he danced a slow-dance with his arms around her and her boobs pressed against him?

Dancing with others is a very wide statement. You must have a limit? 

Have you asked your boyfriend what he would consider an ok dance?

[folklore2093]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Even if he danced a slow-dance with his arms around her and her boobs pressed against him?

Dancing with others is a very wide statement. You must have a limit? 

Have you asked your boyfriend what he would consider an ok dance?

If he danced with girls in a club I probably wouldn't be okay with it

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

If he danced with girls in a club I probably wouldn't be okay with it

Ok, so you have your limits, we're going somewhere. 

Now have a discussion together about what is both your limits. There is no difference between a club and a wedding. People get drunk in both. At my wedding my sister in law cheated on her husband with her sister's new boyfriend. 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know if he's being controlling or not, but if it's a boundary that you are strongly not aligned with, then it's probably a clear sign of incompatibility.  

[ShyViolet]

I don't think your boyfriend's request is unreasonable.  I don't think it's fair to call him "controlling" just for this, unless there are other things he does that you haven't shared here that are controlling.  

Why is dancing with other guys at weddings so important to you that you are willing to jeopardize your relationship over it?  You really can't let this one go?

[folklore2093]

25 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think your boyfriend's request is unreasonable.  I don't think it's fair to call him "controlling" just for this, unless there are other things he does that you haven't shared here that are controlling.  

Why is dancing with other guys at weddings so important to you that you are willing to jeopardize your relationship over it?  You really can't let this one go?

The world doesn't revolve around him and there's nothing wrong with dancing with someone else. I'm not desperate to dance with other guys, but if it happens it's not my problem he gets jealous 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

The world doesn't revolve around him and there's nothing wrong with dancing with someone else. I'm not desperate to dance with other guys, but if it happens it's not my problem he gets jealous 

Bingo!  This discussion has brought out your feelings on the matter.    You now have a response for your boyfriend

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

I'm not willing to sacrifice anything for anybody.

 

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anybody.

I know Gaeta said that already, I’m quoting it as truth and re-stating it for emphasis.

 

8 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

I think he's being controlling and possessive.

Not if he gently and respectfully asks you to not dance with other men. It’s just a request for keeping a boundary. For every person, there are boundaries that they don’t want their partner to cross. This is one of his.

Edited September 19 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

54 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

The world doesn't revolve around him and there's nothing wrong with dancing with someone else. I'm not desperate to dance with other guys, but if it happens it's not my problem he gets jealous 

So you are unwilling to make a small sacrifice for your romantic partner and will continue doing something that you know makes him feel bad just out of principle? I don’t think it’s a good mindset for a relationship.

[Gaeta]

 

Are you the same person playing both side of this story?

[folklore2093]

Just now, Gaeta said:

 

Are you the same person playing both side of this story?

No and I was aware he made this post a long time ago and we had a big fight about it. I've already told him about my post on here too.

I'm trying to understand who you align more with. First you say he's wrong on his post, but now you're calling me the bad partner simply because I don't see anything wrong with dancing with other people?

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

I'm trying to understand who you align more with. First you say he's wrong on his post, but now you're calling me the bad partner simply because I don't see anything wrong with dancing with other people?

This is not a war between good and evil where you pick sides. There are two separate issues here: his jealousy and your unwillingness to compromise. In his thread, we were trying to make him stop feeling jealous. In yours, we’re trying to make you be more flexible and kind to him.

Edited September 19 by Gebidozo

[folklore2093]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

This is not a war between good and evil where you pick sides. There are two separate issues here: his jealousy and your unwillingness to compromise. In his thread, we were trying to make him stop feeling jealous. In yours, we’re trying to make you be more flexible and kind to him.

Well I didn't do anything wrong

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

First you say he's wrong on his post, but now you're calling me the bad partner simply because I don't see anything wrong with dancing with other people?

I told him, and many others told him he was over reacting. He sounded very upset and obsessed and spoke about his desire to go up the dance floor to seperate you. That's why he was called controlling at some point in his thread.

This is more complexed than he's wrong you're right. You 2 need to explain to each other what makes you uncomfortable and you meet in the middle because that's what partners do. 

You need to pick your battle. If he is never controlling, if he's a good loving responsible boyfriend what's the big deal in compromising?

And yes EVEN if you did nothing wrong! This is not about wrong or right, it's about being in a relationship and making compromise because we love our partner.

[basil67]

This is your boyfriend's boundary, so it really comes down to you making a choice of either being able to dance with friends and family at a wedding vs staying in a relationship with him.  I suggest you make this choice by also considering the other pros and cons of being with him.   

If this is the only thing he's every asked of you and he's generally a great boyfriend, it's probably worth going along with his wishes.   But if there is a laundry list of annoying things he does and he tries to control other parts of your life, then you could well be better off without him

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

Well I didn't do anything wrong

Do you want to be right, or do you want him?

Edited September 19 by Gebidozo

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

I wasn't thinking and just acted out of awkwardness and took his hand to dance. The dance didn't last very long and I kept my distance from the guy of about a foot or two and I didn't smile or make eye contact with him. He didn't even look at me or say anything either. The whole dance was awkward and uncomfortable for me. Close to the end of it, I saw my boyfriend sitting down at the table out of the corner of my eye and I looked over to him and just smirked out of awkwardness of the situation, but I could tell he was visibly unhappy about it. Once the dance ended the guy and I just gave a head nod to each other and we went our separate ways. I had to reassure my boyfriend that the whole thing is normal and it was nothing romantic and that I didn't enjoy it. 

I can totally understand the idea of the dancing thing being cultural and something you don't want to sacrifice. But from the bit above, it's clear you didn't enjoy the dance and were relieved when it came to an end. Is that a cultural thing too? Are you obligated to dance when someone asks you to, even if you hate the experience? I would like to understand why you danced with the stranger if you really didn't want to. Is it possible that this particular aspect of your culture doesn't actually appeal to you? If that's the case, then surely you can avoid dancing with strangers at weddings without feeling controlled?

If, on the other hand, this aspect of your culture is a meaningful one you don't want to let go of and if you've already seen your boyfriend respond negatively to other aspects of Polish culture that you value, you are likely to be incompatible.

People are different, and so are their cultures. Some people actually come from cultures where it is not acceptable to shake the hand of someone of the opposite gender in greeting. It's important for people who are dating outside their cultures to realize that sometimes such differences can be navigated, and sometimes they can't. These things are not a simple matter of right and wrong. In fact, both people could be right but incompatible.

Edited September 19 by Acacia98

[folklore2093]

54 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I would like to understand why you danced with the stranger if you really didn't want to

I just wasn't thinking and was caught off guard and didn't know how to react 

[folklore2093]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Do you want to be right, or do you want him?

Obviously I want to be with him, but I still won't sacrifice anything for anyone, not even him

[Acacia98]

24 minutes ago, folklore2093 said:

Obviously I want to be with him, but I still won't sacrifice anything for anyone, not even him

What exactly do you mean by that? Some kind of sacrifice is inevitable when two people try to make a life together. It doesn't have to be this particular sacrifice that he's asking for. It could be something like rearranging your schedule so that you can spend enough time together. Are you saying that you would never do even that?

And why on earth do you have such an absolute stance on the matter?

Also, you're not being completely honest with yourself. You sacrificed your comfort to accommodate the random stranger at the wedding by agreeing to dance with him. 

Edited September 19 by Acacia98

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

Obviously I want to be with him, but I still won't sacrifice anything for anyone, not even him

Is this attitude of yours cultural? 

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, folklore2093 said:

Obviously I want to be with him, but I still won't sacrifice anything for anyone, not even him

What does this even mean?  We all sacrifice sometimes in a relationship, whether it's over something small like what to eat for dinner or something larger.

In this case, unless you go to a great many weddings and, when you do, your bf is not at your side, it would seem that you could easily make this "sacrifice" if your bf is important to you.

Would you be ok with him getting up and seeking out a woman to dance with at the next wedding?