Love bombing?

[Fantasyallure]

I'm 24 and he just recently turned 31. His birthday made a month since we've been entertaining eachother. I met him through a mutual, he came over to my apt and came over every night 4 days in a row, he wouldn't just wake up and immediately leave either he'll stay for a hour or 2 then leave. When we first met we both disclosed we had kids, and he is open about his situation with his 1st babymother, he has another child and that child is 4-6 months old he doesn't say as much about this situation like he does the other. I know first red flag? Throughout all this we are vibing heavy and diving into each other lives, taking shower and baths together! I will say I have intimacy issues as my attachment style is DA/FA. So I'm not ever doing things like this with guys. The sex isn't quite all that good so I wouldn't say it's that either. Fast forward it's the week of or before his birthday and I mention kind of sorta telling him he has to take me to see bettlejuice he says ok lol. It's the day before his bday and he said he will probably come see me if he has time because his family was doing something for him. Next day was his birthday I said happy bday he said thanks. I said send a pic so I can see your outfit and no response from that point on. So I texted "bet f you" ! I know dramatic. He responded his brother had died on his birthday and i apologized and asked if he was fine but no response. 5 days later we hang out and he asks if the movie I want to see has came out, how he feels comfortable with me with everything going on, more about his co-parenting situation. He also said he thinks things are going great then I start spazzing on him out of nowhere which I kind of have a few times. He told me he missed me. I usually don't go on dates with guys, have personal convos it's all uncomfortable to me but then again I've been traumatized. He texted me today and said he enjoys hanging out with me and hopefully I'm free soon. Although it's been a month, I'm just trying to tread lightly here or am I missing red flags of love bombing?

 

[NuevoYorko]

He's hardly love bombing ... there wasn't even one example of that in your entire post.   You might want to take things a little slower yourself, though, since you seem to have doubts about his intentions.

[basil67]

I'm seeing no love from him and certainly no love bombing.   Are you happy with this situation?  I ask because you already have some reasonable concerns

[Gaeta]

I am not seeing any lovebombing. 

Why do you date this guy? You don't enjoy the sex, you have worries about the fact he has a 6 month hold baby he's not talking about, you 'spazz' on him I guess because he frustrates you that much. It doesn't sound like he's making you feel good. 

[Fantasyallure]

15 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

He's hardly love bombing ... there wasn't even one example of that in your entire post.   You might want to take things a little slower yourself, though, since you seem to have doubts about his intentions.

Ok so I do go about expressing to him that I would like to slow down/stop with showering and bathing etc. because it's all him initiating those things. 

[Fantasyallure]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm seeing no love from him and certainly no love bombing.   Are you happy with this situation?  I ask because you already have some reasonable concerns

I am 50/50 i genuinely enjoy our connection together without the sex. I just don't know how to go about asking intentions or just how to move forward to get a better understanding of this

[Fantasyallure]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not seeing any lovebombing. 

Why do you date this guy? You don't enjoy the sex, you have worries about the fact he has a 6 month hold baby he's not talking about, you 'spazz' on him I guess because he frustrates you that much. It doesn't sound like he's making you feel good. 

I emphasized the sex isn't good because I genuinely enjoy the connection without the sex. Like that's not why I'm "hooked" or spazzing . It's the intimate things well to others it's not but to me it is high level intimacy as I'm not use to doing these things with someone. I'm looking for the correct / healthy questions to ask him to get a better understanding of what this is, his situation with his child's mother, and intentions. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Fantasyallure said:

I met him through a mutual, he came over to my apt and came over every night 4 days in a row, he wouldn't just wake up and immediately leave either he'll stay for a hour or 2 then leave.

This makes it sound like the first time he came over you gave him sex and he's been getting it every time he comes over.  I'm not seeing any love bombing just sex and you don't like it.  Why are you having sex with this guy?  Why doesn't he take you out on dates?

Edited September 19, 2024 by stillafool

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

It's the intimate things well to others it's not but to me it is high level intimacy as I'm not use to doing these things with someone.

What intimate things?

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, stillafool said:

This makes it sound like the first time he came over you gave him sex and he's been getting it every time he comes over.  I'm not seeing any love bombing just sex and you don't like it.  Why are you having sex with this guy?

I been knew I was going to have sex with him when he came over lol....... it wasn't talked about or anything but I was that type timing with him so that don't bother me. The sex is good that is just not the thing that is making me confused or making me wanting to decide how to move forward. 

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

What intimate things?

Showering, bathing together, and just convos we have. I usually only have casual sex relationship with guys. So I don't really do the sleepovers, diving into eachother personal life and things of that sort. I leave intimacy out of my relationships so this is confusing me a bit. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

I been knew I was going to have sex with him when he came over lol....... it wasn't talked about or anything but I was that type timing with him so that don't bother me. The sex is good that is just not the thing that is making me confused or making me wanting to decide how to move forward. 

  "The sex isn't quite all that good" is what you said in your opening post now you are back tracking.  Is it or isn't it?  What is making you confused?

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, stillafool said:

  "The sex isn't quite all that good" is what you said in your opening post now you are back tracking.  Is it or isn't it?  What is making you confused?

Bruh the sex isn't the focus is what I'm tryna get yall to understand that is not why I'm hooked on the guy or tripping on him. It's the things outside of sex. It's not good to me I've had 10x better, the connection makes it good yes. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Showering, bathing together, and just convos we have. I usually only have casual sex relationship with guys. So I don't really do the sleepovers, diving into eachother personal life and things of that sort. I leave intimacy out of my relationships so this is confusing me a bit. 

Do you like it or not?  Why don't you want to be taken out on dates with him?  Are you just looking for sex?

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, stillafool said:

Do you like it or not?  Why don't you want to be taken out on dates with him?  Are you just looking for sex?

I'm DA/FA so this is all confusing to me and I don't have many healthy relationships. I'm in therapy now for this. I like it but it scares me and it's confusing so the way I am I would either detach or just ghost him. 

[Gaeta]

What do you want from him?

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

Just take it a step at a time and see where it goes. Don't over ANALYZE things so much and if you are enjoying yourself then that is what matters most.  

Ok my aunt told me the same thing I'm over analyzing things. Idk it's so confusing 😭. It's this just what some people do so early on?! 

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What do you want from him?

At the moment how I feel now I would like it to be more then just enjoying eachothers time and sex and conversation not dating putting a title on us but courting me type things I guess? More than sex....  but like a guy will do for a woman he wants right? So he doesn't want to court me and take me out so why ASK a man to take me on a date? So I've been jumping between saying something to him as to why I'm stepping away or just ghosting him. I'm just confused and all around 🫠

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

At the moment how I feel now I would like it to be more then just enjoying eachothers time and sex and conversation not dating putting a title on us but courting me type things I guess? More than sex....  but like a guy will do for a woman he wants right?

And you don't feel that's what he's doing?

[Fantasyallure]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

It’s definitely understandable (over analyzing). Let yourself have fun and see where things go as long you feel comfortable. You deserve to be happy and enjoy yourself.

Thank you, I'm learning I'm trying. 

[Fantasyallure]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

And you don't feel that's what he's doing?

I'm not sure.. that's why I'm here lost and confused 

[Alpacalia]

No, it's not lovebombing...It's two people having casual sex.

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

No, it's not lovebombing...It's two people having casual sex.

Oh this not casual to me. Casual is we have sex we orgasm and then you leave and we go on about our day 😂. 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Oh this not casual to me. Casual is we have sex we orgasm and then you leave and we go on about our day 😂. 

That is not necessarily true. A man can be affectionate and it's still casual sex for him. Does he take you out? Does he invest in you with more than just sex? Do you go on actual dates? Do you spend quality time together? If the answer is no to most of these then I would say it's not indicative of a deeper emotional connection or pursuit of a serious relationship... but if you're both okay with a casual hook-up arrangement then that's fine too. 

[Fantasyallure]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That is not necessarily true. A man can be affectionate and it's still casual sex for him. Does he take you out? Does he invest in you with more than just sex? Do you go on actual dates? Do you spend quality time together? If the answer is no to most of these then I would say it's not indicative of a deeper emotional connection or pursuit of a serious relationship... but if you're both okay with a casual hook-up arrangement then that's fine too. 

He doesn't that why I'm confused why we adding in all the extra stuff which he initiates like showering together, baths and conversations EL OH EL . I don't do stuff like this with people I have sex with. Soooooo I've been telling myself for a day or 2 now to ghost him. Because yeah let me stop lying to myself and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. If we having sex that's all we doing idc to know about your kids and your private life or anything. I don't do that we having sex and cuddling and bonding with no intentions. Leave me be. Nut and go. So should I just ghost him or tell him like this isn't my type situation? But then I feel like I'm self sabotaging because we are compatible out the sex which we both have acknowledged out loud. But I think I would like to explore the going on dates thing with him but obv he doesn't? But I think maybe that's as far as it will get? He enjoys my company and sex. Do I owe him that explain why I'm good and departing ? Or do I just depart? And I did ask him about his infant child's mother lastnight 

Edited September 19, 2024 by Fantasyallure