Walk Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 It was New Years eve. 11:30pm. And I drove sedately to one of the campus parking lots that overlooks downtown. Two years ago, the man that would become so significant to me later, had briefly mentioned that he used to watch the fireworks on new years eve from there. But this was now... and I parked my car several spaces over from a dark blue van, and shut the engine off. I thought the van was empty, and then saw the dark haired woman glance over at my car. Our eyes met briefly, before I quickly turned my head away. I hadn't wanted to be around other people, but I could ignore them. I heard the quiet ticking of the engine cooling as I stared out the windshield. Bare tree's partially blocked the view, but past these, the city lights sparkled and danced below me. Headlights flowed smoothly from street to street, and I wondered where they were going so close to midnight. Were they alone too? Did they care what the day meant? Or was it simply another night to them, slightly different yet nothing had changed? His words were still fresh in my memory. The stinging harshness, the accusations... the force of his anger palatible in the small room. I had cried, my eyes red and puffy as fresh tears wet my cheeks and dripped from my chin. His face was contorted with anger and fear. I huddled inside myself as he talked, his voice raised but not to the level of shouting. Words washed over me, inflicting pain as they passed through my body. I didn't move, didn't flinch, I pulled the anger in like a sponge and absorbed it. *** I checked the clock on the dash. I wanted to mark the end of this day. Feel the weight of an entire year settle around my shoulders and embrace me. The vibrating feelings of anger and pain had finally settled into a cold numbness. The words he'd said rattled through my mind like dice thrown against a craps table. A phrase that would roll to a stop to be examined and then slid quickly away. 11:42. I took in the time like I did the rest of my surroundings. The images shifted and coelesqued in front of me, knowing what they were, but feeling it wasn't a part of my world. Far removed from who and where I was. I remembered two years ago, new years eve... And I lay on the rough tan carpeting of a single room I rented. Listening to the radio for the final countdown to the new year as I wrote in my journal. In the corner of the room, blankets were layed out in the shape of a bed. A lamp spread soft light over the small area. Next to me my yellow lab lay sleeping, and I ran my fingers through his thick, soft coat. I felt him sigh under my hand, and I returned to my thoughts and journals. A year in which I had finally grasped control of my life and my dreams. Had torn them back and taken control of my life. I searched for the reasons, an explanation of where I had gone wrong. Why I had needed to destroy everything in order to gain the one thing I cherished more then all. Why I had been forced into that position in the first place... Once satisfied I had a small grasp of understanding, I turned toward what I wanted now. Did I understand and know where I was going? Because no ship can safetly make it without crashing if the course is unknown. *** 11:58pm. I felt the tears track down my cheeks as the chill invaded my body. I felt the dissappointment course through me as I realized I was making the same mistakes as I had been before. Seeing my life as a whole and connecting the pieces... I felt my thoughts calm and take on a new shape as understanding dawned. 11:59pm. I had no fear of being alone. I feared living a continual cycle of repeated mistakes. The realization flowed through me as I watched the first big firework shoot high into the night sky. I had chosen to give my heart to him, and I would not let him control me through it. The fear and pain I carried ebbed from my body, and I watched the blackness as it was broken by purple and white streaks of light. I sat alone wondering if I made the right decisions. The yellow lab I had loved like my child was cold and buried beneath layers of dirt. My fractured back had healed but I carried with me the continual pain, and the realization that I'm not invincible. And I knew that a single second could suddenly erase everything I owned and wipe it away. Yet, I had something no one could take. And I clung to that with a fierce determination. I have fought hard to be the person I have wanted to be. Pushing forward when I wanted to quit, finding strength to force myself forward while the voices are shouting that I'm a failure, to give up, to give in. Hearing the outside world giving the same message, "you cannot win". But I won't give up. And I won't let others force their beliefs down my throat. I am wise, and I will make the best decision I can. And if I fail, I will forgive myself and start again. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Awww honey. Have a big hug from me. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 I have been the man in your horrible situation. Loading those insults and stinging phrases into his pump action semi automatic insult mouth. Shooting the love out of her. Feeling that anger and frustration rising. Boiling through the top of my head. Trying to tear the fabric of the world apart with my screaming mind. Seeing the fear and pain I am causing, and both exalting in it and loathing myself. An unstoppable torrent of hatred. Unable to see the difference between the red lights and the green lights. Seeing those eyes that once shone with love grow dull and distant. Acting like a samurai warrior who has lost his sword and is trying to kill himself with a penknife. I have been that man Walk. I still am I guess. Why have I done these things? I think because at the time I did not have any other language to use, I was communicating with a limited set of words and emotions, limited by my own inability to learn new ones. We do learn new ways if we see that what we do is not working. Of course that only happens if we accept it ourselves. I know the kind of man I want to be, I am not him yet.... Far away there in the sunshine are my aspirations, I may not reach them. but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they may lead. Louisa May Alcott Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walk Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 Awww honey. Have a big hug from me. Thank you RR!! It's all good though. I'm actually very happy this happened. Re-evaluating your life and your goals is always beneficial. And what better time then the start of a new year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walk Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 I have been that man Walk. I still am I guess. Why have I done these things? I think because at the time I did not have any other language to use, I was communicating with a limited set of words and emotions, limited by my own inability to learn new ones. No Witabix, you are no longer that man. You acknowledge your flaws, your weakness, and you strive to over come them. That in itself is an amazing feat, and shows a sense of character that I wish more people would strive to emulate. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I sat and sobbed reading that! You should think about writing books Walk! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Very moving and wonderfully written. And a great sentiment to boot! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Thank you RR!! My pleasure It's all good though. I'm actually very happy this happened. Re-evaluating your life and your goals is always beneficial. Same here. 2005 may have started badly for me, but it was a great year of getting my life back on track. Go girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walk Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 Thank you for the compliments!! I sat and sobbed reading that! You should think about writing books Walk! I do write... short stories mainly, and some freelance work... Just started a new novel, but I've been floundering a bit with the ending. Thanks for the compliment. Maybe someday soon you'll see my name up there next to Stephen King or Nora Roberts. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Maybe someday soon you'll see my name up there next to Stephen King So your style would be "Stephen King writes about relationships ending"? Scary! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Wow you have such a way with words and I felt all that you felt as I was reading... I commend you and your strength! Another hug to you. And yah, Stephen King better watch out! He has some competition now! Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I always thought I was afraid of being alone, but you're right, it's the fear of making the same mistakes over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walk Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 So your style would be "Stephen King writes about relationships ending"? That might explain the looks of fear my ex gives me when I bump into him. ha ha... Wow you have such a way with words and I felt all that you felt as I was reading... Thank you. I think that's about the best compliment a writer can get. But I was really hoping to inspire, not depress. Not sure if I accomplished that. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 But I was really hoping to inspire, not depress. Not sure if I accomplished that. Errr, no. But it was well written and moving. And now that you've had our feedback, you should be able to recalibrate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walk Posted January 6, 2006 Author Share Posted January 6, 2006 11:58pm. I felt the tears track down my cheeks as the chill invaded my body. I felt the dissappointment course through me as I realized I was making the same mistakes as I had been before. Seeing my life as a whole and connecting the pieces... I felt my thoughts calm and take on a new shape as understanding dawned. 11:59pm. My life would begin again. I would be like the pheonix, rising from the ashes of a mishapen relationship. I reached down and pulled the whiskey bottle from beneath my seat. Taking a long slug, I felt the liquid heating my chest. When the bottle was nearly gone, I started the engine and headed back home. I found him sitting in front of the nicotine stained computer, leaning casually back in the oversized chair. His back was too me as I entered the spare bedroom. "You really hurt me." I said as I stood in the middle of the room. He didn't respond, only pausing briefly in his game. "I want payment for that." I continued. "Oh yea.." he said calmly. "What do you have in mind?" "You'll see." I quickly looped the rope around his chest and arms, and secured the knot before he had a chance to react. His arms bulged as he strained against the rope. "This isn't funny Walk, let me go." His voice sounded strained. "I will." I wondered if he could hear the laugh I was trying to surpress. "NOW!" He yelled. His voice booming off of the bare walls. I wrapped more rope around his large shoulders and across his waist as he twisted futily against his bonds. The duck tape was on the shelf next to him and I carefully taped his wrists to the arms of the chair as I dodged nimbly away from his grasping fingers. "We can talk." his voice sounding caught between fear and anger. Did he think he could placate me, confuse my thinking so I'd let him free? I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips. Tonight would signify a new beginning, and it started here. "Okay... I'll talk." As I unbuttened his pants and pulled down his zipper. "How about all the times you made me feel like crap. Lets start there..." I suggested. (This is the dirty sex scene were I take advantage of him sexually, over and over, while he's tied to the chair, but never let him come. Doesn't King always have some sort of erotic lit part that's sick and twisted?) Skip to ending. I pushed his chair aside as I rearranged my clothes. "Well, I'm satsified." I said. "Sorry I didn't let you come, but you didn't deserve it." I grinned at him as I smoothed my shirt over my flat stomach. "I'm going to pack my things now, and hit the road. I hope you have a great life." I gathered a few belongings, grabbed the keys to the brand new sports car and threw open the front door. Life was looking good in the yellow haze of the city lights. I tossed my belongs in the car, turned the key, and heard the engine purr to life. Today marked the beginning of life that I held the controls to. The tires squeeled as I stomped hard on the gas, and steered out of the drive. This is edited from what it originally read... I'm sexually frustrated today.. Plus, I got scared people would be offended, or think I'd actually hurt someone. It's all make believe.. ok? NOT REAL. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 Haven't you forgotten the bit where he comes back from the grave to haunt your underwear closet? Your smalls will never be the same again... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 Thank you. I think that's about the best compliment a writer can get. But I was really hoping to inspire, not depress. Not sure if I accomplished that. It is positive and honestly, when I read what you wrote it made me realize that I need ALOT of improvement in my writing skills. I think I better stick to photography! You did inspire me, not depress me, don't worry. I think a good writer is someone who can make the reader feel. You did that! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 (This is the dirty sex scene were I take advantage of him sexually, over and over, while he's tied to the chair, but never let him come. Doesn't King always have some sort of erotic lit part that's sick and twisted?) I would have left a pair of clubs with a note saying, be thankful you still have use of your knees! hehehe! *I am doing make-believe too everybody...No offense!* Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 Jesus Creepers!!!!!!! I got a cold shiver when you got into that new sports car!!!!!!!!! Hahhahahhaa I love it babe you are the best! What a writer!!!!!!! I feel humble to know you! Link to post Share on other sites
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