Husband exchanging sexual messages with IG model

[Flowers_xx]

Just feeling a little lost and looking for some perspective on my situation as I am not sure where to begin. My partner and I have been together for 11 years and have a child together, with another on the way. We have, in the past, had arguments about him messaging Only Fans models and writing cringy sexual remarks on their public social media.

 

Recently, I saw a number of notifications pop up on his phone from “missxxx” (not her real name) sending him Instagram messages and since I could not stop thinking about it, later went to look at his computer and went down a rabbit hole reading their exchanges that have been going on for at least a year.

 

This woman is a random influencer on the other side of the world with 25,000 followers that looks like a supermodel and for whatever reason, she is messaging and following him too, it’s not just one sided.

They were sending each other explicit memes sometimes with commentary about positions they like, him talking about how he is so frustrated he uses a fleshlight and her responding with 🤤🤤, discussing their past sexual experiences, etc. Then, he is responding to tons of her stories turning everything into an innuendo, etc. He’d also made a few comments like “I’ve been thinking of visiting (her city)” - I don’t see that realistically he would/could with another kid on the way. 

 

At one point, she asked him if he’d ever wondered what sex would be like with her and he said “sorry I’m happily married”. He has referenced me throughout his messages but I don’t think that excuses how sexual all of their conversations were. 

 

They speak objectively about what they both like, never about them doing things together. Not sure if that counts for anything. After that interaction, she told him that she was surprised he was happily married given all his messages and he should stop making things sexual, and he told her it was a misunderstanding. 

 

After this, their conversations were about mundane topics, but I still don’t see the need for him to message her multiple times a week? It was at this point that I found the messages and was extremely angry, he apologised and said it was a misunderstanding, they were just silly sex jokes, etc. 

 

I have been angry ever since but being now heavily pregnant it’s not easy to just leave. I was thinking about the situation the other day and checked his Instagram again and after a couple of months of stopping and talking to her about her dog and other nonsense, he is back to sending her sexual stuff. It is just childish silly jokes but inappropriate I would say. 

 

E.g. both of them joking and sending silly tiktoks about how much they watch porn. She sent him a video that said “when I start talking to him as if I wasn’t just touching myself to him” and he ignored it, but then he sent more silly sex jokes about people with porn addictions. 

 

I haven’t brought this up again yet. I don’t really know what to do. She is not local and he does not know here in real life, but what is the purpose of constantly messaging her about sex. 

 

[basil67]

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. 

Sounds like he's hooked on this and it's unlikely he'll stop if you ask him to.  Or he might stop for a bit and go back to it.  I feel you've got some big decisions to make

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Flowers_xx said:

what is the purpose of constantly messaging her about sex. 

What’s the purpose of having a husband if he is messaging inappropriately with other women online? 

I’m sorry, I truly am… this is a terrible thing to discover at any time in your life, particularly when you are expecting a child. 

But, I agree with basil, if the past is any predictor of the future, he will continue with this behavior despite his promises to stop. He doesn’t seem to be able to stop. And my worry would be, how and when does this potentially escalate. No need to make any decisions now, as this has been going on for a long time… that said, I think you have some hard decisions to make. 

Best wishes. 

[Gaeta]

Stop feeling lost and start feeling mad. Give him an ultimatum to start talking to a therapist concerning this addiction. If not you will visit a lawyer to talk about your options.

This behavior is highly disrespectful of you, especially now that you're pregnant and feeling vulnerable.

[Gebidozo]

Sounds to me that your husband has some deep-seated sexual dissatisfactions. The most alarming part is that he continued the sexual conversations after having apologized and promising to not do that again. He is playing with fire. He might be suffering from an addiction that he is unable to control on his own. Please make it clear to him that this has to stop now and for good. If he can’t do it without the help of a therapist, then he should go see one.

[happyhorizons]

It seems your husband is “searching” for something new or something that is not getting now.

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It seems your husband is “searching” for something new or something that is not getting now.

His wife is likely too busy cooking his meals and caring for his children to discuss his favorite positions and other sexual fantasies. 

He is “searching” for something alright - an escape, a fantasy, some excitement, validation. That has everything to do with him - it doesn’t necessarily reflect on his marriage or his wife. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Give him an ultimatum to start talking to a therapist concerning this addiction. If not you will visit a lawyer to talk about your options.

This. 

What he is doing is downright awful. It is not just "jokes" with a stranger about sex and it's frankly appalling that he tried to minimize that way. I don't think he is going to stop, OP. He doesn't take you seriously and doesn't much care how this hurts you or how much this risks blowing up his kids' lives. 

Please keep this in mind