Found out boyfriend was seeing someone at his company & she still works there. What would you do?

[chocolatelover]

Hi, really seeking someone's advice as I dont actually know what I am feeling here!! 

(sorry long post) - I met my current partner online end of July, it was instant love at first sight and attraction which was amazing, we both felt this straight away. He had been married before, divorced in 2020 and he just mentioned he dated since then on and off and likewise I was with 2 people from 2019 until now. He was married over 15 years and another relationship prior for many years too, he admitted he likes commitment and likes being in a relationship. 

On our first date, literally that night in late July of this year he received a phone call, he kind of laughed it off saying it was the lady that he looks after her dog and she is probably calling about that, I thought hmmm really this late at night?

Now this so called lady is 20 years younger than him, he is 53, he was looking after her dog for her whenever she goes away and there was a picture of her dog in his hallway I noticed which I thought, ok interesting. He said he didnt want work finding out about us at one point but then eventually people know and we become an item. 

On a Saturday evening, he was still looking after this girl's dog, as she is single, and she liked to go away at weekends and had nobody to look after her dog so he took that on even though she has friends/mum etc. Apparently she has a boyfriend now. I still had a strange feeling about her as things were odd about picking up the dog, taking it home etc and he mentioned she had many mental health problems and by the sounds of it he felt sorry for her and she loved how he looked after her.

Moving along a few months later, we are booking air bnb places for this month and noticed he stayed as a couple somewhere in 2022 and in 2023, which I never questioned and actually completely forgot about too. It turns out, he was with someone in that time but he never mentioned it, which I thought was indeed odd. 

Then he said last night, would you like to see my old army photos, to which I was like yes. He comes over with his photo album and I notice there in the 1st page is a young girl sitting next to him and I say is this someone you dated, he literally went mental, like strangely so, as in highly reactive. I said ok this is very odd can you tell me why you are acting this way this isnt the man I know so far? He said well she is 20 years younger, I said ok thats fine and who is she, he said its Anna the lady I look after her dog, the young girl I told you about at my work. I actually didnt know what to say, she called on that night of our 1st date asking him to talk to her, and if there was a chance to talk. I knew something was up. He said they split in May this year 2 months before us, and he tells me he dated a year or two. I find out now she started his company in late 2020, started seeing her early 2021 until May 2024. Thats a long time as far as I can see. He said he did love her. He said he never told anyone at work as it was his business and didnt want this getting out or he got the sack and what others would think of him plus she is 20 years younger. She pursued him apparently and he fell for it as she was crying about something, he hugged her??? *** and that was it, she felt protected and wanted him etc. 

He said he didnt want to tell me for fear of me dumping him early on, I would have liked him to just tell me he saw her and that would have been it, but I had to find out on my own, he then said he told people at work,  but before he said he didnt. 

Now apparently she is now seeing someone, he has told her he isnt taking the dog on anymore but I knew something wasnt right when we dated and she was hovering with messages. She still is at his work as we speak and he tells me she is looking for another job, really I think? I have met her when she picked up her dog, she is very pretty strangely I did feel awkward this was before I found out. 

He is calling me 24/7, begging me to just still be with him as he knows this was wrong how he delivered it and was hoping it would just disappear eventually and never spoken about, things never just not come out or disappear?

So we are meant to be going away this weekend, as treat on me, I have said no I cant and want to be left alone, Im not sure if I am angry/upset or just downright annoyed he wanted to keep this a secret, more than likely because she still works for him. Yes he is her boss! 

I am feeling very confused as I felt I put my heart and soul into this man and its like I am not too sure if he is known for secrets that I will never forget or it comes up again in the future for fear of losing me as he puts it?

Any advice, he is now saying she is pregnant, moving in with this new man she has met, I said hold on, she was messaging you in July/August and you are now telling me she has met someone, pregnant and moving in with him yet last month she was single? 

Thank you for reading such a long message, its greatly appreciated.

x 

 

[Gaeta]

You only started dating 6 weeks ago and now you're discovering he's a liar. Please save yourself future heartaches and drop him. Next thing you'll know is that she's pregnant from him. Really, it's only 6 weeks dating, you are not attached yet, he's still a stranger, just drop him. 

Edited September 19 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

It hasn't even been 2 good months yet and you've already caught him in a lie.  Are you sure she isn't pregnant by him? How old are you?

[chocolatelover]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It hasn't even been 2 good months yet and you've already caught him in a lie.  Are you sure she isn't pregnant by him? How old are you?

He has had the snip, so no it wont be his! 

I am 49, he is 53

[stillafool]

Just now, chocolatelover said:

He has had the snip, so no it wont be his! 

I am 49, he is 53

Well that's good.  Did you ask him if he still has feelings for her?

[chocolatelover]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well that's good.  Did you ask him if he still has feelings for her?

I did yes, he said he no longer does. They only separated 2 months before we met, they were together 3 years, and he loved her, so how you can completely get over someone that quick whilst they are still at work baffles me. I hope i am not over reacting here but I actually dont know what to think or how to trust anymore I truly believed and trusted him. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, chocolatelover said:

I did yes, he said he no longer does. They only separated 2 months before we met, they were together 3 years, and he loved her, so how you can completely get over someone that quick whilst they are still at work baffles me. I hope i am not over reacting here but I actually dont know what to think or how to trust anymore I truly believed and trusted him. 

He isn't over her.  You're his rebound.

[Leihla_B]

He wasn't honest because he knows, even just at face value, his situation(ship) with this woman wouldn't be acceptable for anyone with a shred of self-respect. So he lied to buy himself the time to manipulate you into a bond that would be harder to break once you discovered his secret.

You're not overreacting, you're facing the difficult fact that self-preservation is your only realistic option. Even if you tried to stay with this guy, you'd lose self-respect and you'd sentence yourself to a miserable time of looking over your shoulder and doubting how you can envision a future with someone you can't trust. Is that kind of misery the way you want to live?

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, chocolatelover said:

I did yes, he said he no longer does. They only separated 2 months before we met, they were together 3 years, and he loved her, so how you can completely get over someone that quick whilst they are still at work baffles me. I hope i am not over reacting here but I actually dont know what to think or how to trust anymore I truly believed and trusted him. 

Why do you date him at all? Anyone knows to not date people right out of relationships. I would not touch this man with a 6 foot pole! He's 2 months out of a relationship to a woman he's still catering to. A woman he hide from you. 

Edited September 19 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

At least you are finding this out only 2 months or so of knowing him so it shouldn't be that hard to let him go.

[MsJayne]

He's full of it. Your gut is telling you not to trust him. Go with it. 

[smackie9]

Save yourself...stop seeing him.