Need a second chance to fix what I broke after betraying him

[ladyheartbroken]

We've had fights before that resulted in the "I'm done" or "you need to find a place to live" resolution. Each time I was terrified and filled with fear that perhaps this time we won't make up.

Typically we would, and eventually, even if it took a while, we would be back to normal again. 

I screwed up big time. We've been having some unresolved conflict for a while and nothing has been done to try and address these issues so they've been festering. Like anything, relationships require maintenance and if you ignore it it'll fall further and further into disrepair like a car. 

I admit I was wrong for what I did and realized I shouldn't do it for once I pulled the trigger it was done and no taking it back. I have a lot of issues handling my emotions and I really have no one to talk to so there's been times when I was really upset or angry about an interaction with my boyfriend that I would post on social media about it because it was the only way I could vent and be heard and my side of the story validated or helped talk through it without reacting irrationally or impulsively within the relationship. 

That being said I realized the risk was there and finally it happened. Somehow he found out that I had posted online about him and supposedly waited a few days to talk about it and make a decision how to proceed forward which came in the form of a "can we talk for minute?" Conversation after he got home from work and ignored me all day. I knew it wasn't good but we had had a spot on Friday and then again the night before after he got home from work so I assumed it was related to that. 

When we sat down and he told me that he knew what I was saying about him on the internet my body went cold and I blacked out a little bit. The reality was paralyzing. For some reason I had never considered how serious it was what I was doing and how incredibly harmful to the relationship. What was I thinking?? And all fairness and not to defend what I did there have been times when I felt deeply deeply hurt depressed frustrated and helpless and had no one else to talk to. It doesn't excuse what I did but if I had had a better way to address my emotions, if only if I had been able to sit and have a non angry conversation to address when I feel that way rather than feeling like I have to hide it I might not have resorted to this. It literally felt at the time like it was the only thing I could do to keep from going completely insane. 

He told me that we're done and there's no negotiating and he even had a whole written plan on how the stages of this process is going to work and how I'm going to be depressed etc but eventually after emotions settle will work on the logistics of ending this and where I'm going to move to.

I'm absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I don't blame him for feeling how he did I just feel like my whole world has come crashing down and I can't picture my life if that's really ends. Because he told me in the past that we're breaking up I always felt security in that eventually the anger will pass and we go back to normal and go on to have beautiful happy times together that I never imagined if I would have again at the time. 

All I've ever wanted was to have the ability to do something to fix what isn't working and regain his affection and interest. 

I'm so deeply depressed which he indicated isn't his problem and that he's not upsetting me I'm getting myself upset. Our lives together is the only thing I have left in my life. I've lost my entire family and I barely have a career. And even though we've been struggling a lot because of so many things that have happened we've had a lot of changes recently and we were starting to make positive plans for the future together and I was a part of it- and now that's all over. Oh excited and anticipation and daydreaming about the things we were going to be doing in the next couple years it's like being sucker punched. 

He was trying not to cry when he told me we have to break up and he said he does care about me and it upsets him to see me upset right now. We managed to sit and talk for a long time and maybe it's just cuz he had a couple beers but it almost sounded like even though he wouldn't admit it maybe he would be willing to not break up and agree to just let time try to heal things. He told me that he's got nothing left after this, that I want and he's dead on the mat. He said he's not sure he could ever trust me ever again and certainly right now he can't imagine ever loving me again after this. I understand feeling that way and I could imagine how he feels and I don't blame him but we all know that the way you feel at the moment will lessen over time.

I thank him to at least try to let time heal this and rebuild what's been broken. His feel certain that this is unfixable and maybe he's right but we could at least try? 

He said tell me how we fix this because I don't see a way. He told me if I can come up with a good plan on how to move forward from here he's willing to hear it and that he's got nothing but he's going to keep thinking about it. 

I'm hanging on to hope that things will settle down a little and eventually we can start talking again. We didn't talk all day yesterday. He said he needs space and I'm not really sure what that means or how to proceed forward the right way. 

I'm already working on an actionable plan on what we can do or what I can do moving forward but I really don't know specifically what I can do to regain his trust. He's been hurt before because his ex cheated on him and now he's been hurt again by me. I just can't believe how thoughtless I was when I was caught up in my own emotions to do what I did and not be able to connect my actions to real life. 

I got rid of my Facebook account and I feel like that's the first step. I've also committed to seeing a therapist regularly to try to work on myself and my impulsive behaviors and thoughts. I wrote him a heartfelt apology letter which I'm sure he'll just throw away or disregard. I also bought a book with exercises we could try down the road when things cool off a little if he's willing. I'm working on drafting and outline with a plan and promise of what I'll do to make the positive changes we would need for him to be willing to try again- if he's willing. I don't know how to convince him that I actually love him. He believes that I only love the idea of our relationship and the material benefits. He feels I need to go out on my own for a while to see how hard it is to survive on my own. I've been trying very hard to improve on the things he felt was lacking that he was pulling all the weight and I don't do anything. I said maybe I haven't always done these things in the past but I'm trying to do them now. I started paying the electric bill every month. And I've been more dedicated to everyday tasks around the house like making the bed and cleaning the litter boxes without being asked to and taking care of the dishes... I feel like I'm trying really hard. 

I've never cried this much in my life not even with my mom and dad died. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post I feel completely paralyzed emotionally. All I've been doing is sitting in one spot crying. I wish I could just drop dead from a broken heart right now and not have to feel this way anymore or atleast know that we will continue on as a couple and that this isn't over and things will get better again even after this. 

I just feel like there's still a chance of hope that he might be willing to just give it some time and see how it goes I just need a really strong plan to prove that I can be trusted again and then I'm going to make actionable changes.

[stillafool]

How old are you two? I'm sorry this happened but without knowing what you said it's hard for me to comment on your situation.

[MsJayne]

I have to assume you said something derogatory about him if it prompted him to break up with you, so what made you do that? 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/19/2024 at 10:57 PM, ladyheartbroken said:

His feel certain that this is unfixable and maybe he's right but we could at least try? 

At some point, we lose the desire to even try. 

I've been there. I don't mean the circumstances were the same, but I had an ex-boyfriend who couldn't understand why I didn't want to try anymore when I broke up with him. We'd had problems and we'd tried before to improve the relationship. It wasn't working. There was a poimt at which I realized I didn't care anymore if the relationship could maybe get better  - I just wanted to end it. I had lost interest in preserving it and knew I had to let him go. That seems to be where your ex is now. 

On 9/19/2024 at 10:57 PM, ladyheartbroken said:

I don't know how to convince him that I actually love him

He might know deep-down that you love him, but he no longer feels the same way. If I have to guess, problems between you two have  been mounting for a while and this discovery of your social media posts was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a break-up that likely needed to happen, to set both of you free. 

[Leihla_B]

I doubt that sticking around to mope would inspire him. I'd find a room to rent, move out, and let him learn what life is like without me. If BF ends up preferring that, then I've just done myself a favor by moving forward. My room would be by the week or month, so it can be my staging ground for finding a long-term lease and moving my stuff out of storage. If BF ends up wanting to reconcile, then nothing is lost, I can move back in.

Either way, removing myself from the situation would be in my best interests.