Girlfriend should pay me rent, assist me with more reasoning?

[bpb2017]

Long time LS user, but this is my first time thread poster after trying to resist an underling problem in my life that has occurred since May '24

My gf and I (I'm in my late 30's, she's in her early 20's) both renters in separate flats in London, we've been together for just over 2 years, it's all great blah blah until recently.

I'm sick and tired of renting, but always put off buying because of the unreasonable prices (friends in the USA, London is comparable to NYC).

In that last 7 years I've moved 4 times despite paying rent on time, and even offering higher rent to avoid having to leave. I want to get a place of my own to avoid a LL hanging over me, a flat that I can decorate without feeling that the expenditure is a waste, and most importantly a place close to where I work.

Long story short, I made an offer for a flat that was accepted and our exchange of contract is in 3 weeks. I'm finally a homeowner, hooray!!

She will be moving in, and I have mentioned to my gf that she would be paying me rent, but she's been EXTREMELY resistant.

My family and friends all agree that she should be paying the equivalent of half of market rent, but she is still under the impression that me buying a place means that she gets to live rent free.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

[basil67]

There is only one answer:  You can make any terms you like....from being reasonable to ridiculous.....and if she doesn't willingly agree to them, she doesn't move in.

 

[Gebidozo]

Asking your own romantic partner to pay rent to you is incredibly unromantic. Do you really want to establish a landlord-tenant relationship with her?

If you feel that she isn’t contributing financially to your relationship, can’t you ask her to contribute in other ways? Did she offer something like that herself? 

If you were planning to live together, why didn’t you simply buy that place together, each contributing whatever amount of money they can?

In any case, if she doesn’t want to pay rent to you, you can’t force her. Just let her live wherever she is living now.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, bpb2017 said:

My family and friends all agree that she should be paying the equivalent of half of market rent,

Geez, she's your girlfriend, give her a break. She's early 20s can she afford that type of rent? and l imagine you will require half everything else? Will she have any money left after that?

Here's what l think. The property is yours and it's unfair she will help you pay that mortgage and you buid equity while she gains nothing. You wanted to be an owner on your own so the mortgage, city taxes, insurances, and repair is all yours.

She should provide to the household proportionally to her earning. She can pay the internet, heating and groceries, if it's reasonnable. She should not be in a worse situation by moving in with you. 

[basil67]

How does the amount of rent you'd be asking compare to what she's currently paying?   What percentage of her income would it be?   Would she also be paying half of utilities and food?

[flitzanu]

i'm half and half on the replies here...

i think it's unreasonable for her to assume she can just live for free with you because you bought a house, or expecting you to handle all finances.

i think it's reasonable to work out financial arrangements for her to offer some type of compensation or assistance for living with you or sharing bills.

 

this is a fine line though and going to be a difficult conversation.  ultimately if you "invited her" it may seem awkward to then start asking for money.

if she invited herself and doesn't want to pay...that's a different story.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

I would dump her and realize that the two of us are at different stages in our lives and therefore are not compatible.  She is obviously looking for someone to take care of her.  Is she living rent free now?

[Leihla_B]

I don't know of any couples where one partner is completely exempt from making a contribution to the household. That's not romantic, it's freeloading.

You may want to check with an attorney in your location. If you charge 'rent' she becomes your tenant, and that can make it difficult to evict her should the two of you break up. Your attorney may suggest an agreement that she contributes to the household x amount toward utilities and other expenses. If she won't agree to that, I'd skip the move-in.

[Gebidozo]

33 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I don't know of any couples where one partner is completely exempt from making a contribution to the household. That's not romantic, it's freeloading.

The unromantic part isn’t his GF not contributing to the household, it’s the OP requesting her to pay rent.

We don’t know the details here. It’s possible that she really just wants to freeload. But then the OP should break up with her, not humiliate her and himself by asking her to be his tenant.

On the other hand, if she volunteered to contribute to the household in other ways (paying for food, cooking, doing housework, etc.), there shouldn’t be a problem.

Another thing that I find a bit odd is her not contributing to the purchase of the house. If they are so serious that they have decided to live together, why not buy a house together? Even if she earns much less than the OP and contributes just a small part of the overall price, it would still be a totally different feeling.

 

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

. If they are so serious that they have decided to live together, why not buy a house together? Even if she earns much less than the OP and contributes just a small part of the overall price, it would still be a totally different feeling.

A good reason would be that she's in her early 20's and he's late 30's.  They aren't married or engaged.   Based on my daughter and her friends who are this age....she's likely a recent grad, with minimal credit rating,  just starting out in her work life,  and desires to travel and party while she's got no children    I would have strongly counselled against this if my daughter wanted to get a joint mortgage in this situation.   

That said, my daughter actually lives with her boyfriend in an apartment he bought and she pays him discounted rent.   She gets cheap rent and he gets extra to pay his mortgage. Even if they break up, it's a win/win

[Gaeta]

On 9/19/2024 at 6:21 PM, bpb2017 said:

My family and friends all agree that she should be paying the equivalent of half of market rent

That's a business deal, not an agreement between a couple. You're not a real estate developer looking to profit here.  Almost sounds like your family is not too found of her.

I own my home. If my bf moves in and l ask him half the market rent then the money he'd give me would exceed my entire monthly mortgage. 

An agreement between 2 people who love each other is supposed to consider the situation of the one the most vulnerable.

Move her in because you want her presence and she can pay utilities and some groceries. Nowadays groceries is so expensive. That way you both have more money.

What's the point of moving her in and all her money goes to you in rent and half of everything else. What type of person wants that for their partner. 

[Gaeta]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

she's likely a recent grad, with minimal credit rating,  just starting out in her work life

Exactly, and a man that's 15+ years older, like OP is, should understand that. He is financially 15+ years ahead of her.

Edited September 21, 2024 by Gaeta

[ShyViolet]

"Half of market rent" sounds a little high.  But it's absolutely ridiculous for her to think that she should get to live at your place for free.  She should be contributing financially, whether that means paying the utility bills and groceries, or some amount of rent.  If she is resistant to that then she shouldn't be moving in, period.

[Leihla_B]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The unromantic part isn’t his GF not contributing to the household, it’s the OP requesting her to pay rent.

We don’t know the details here. It’s possible that she really just wants to freeload. But then the OP should break up with her, not humiliate her and himself by asking her to be his tenant.

I can appreciate the sentiment, but how is being practical about forming a domestic agreement between two fully grown adults 'humiliating'? Maybe he broke some fantasy bubble, but if two people want to live together, they'll need to be able to negotiate terms. And it won't be the last time.

Quote

On the other hand, if she volunteered to contribute to the household in other ways (paying for food, cooking, doing housework, etc.), there shouldn’t be a problem.

She'd need to do all of that while living on her own, anyway. And pay rent.

Quote

Another thing that I find a bit odd is her not contributing to the purchase of the house. If they are so serious that they have decided to live together, why not buy a house together? Even if she earns much less than the OP and contributes just a small part of the overall price, it would still be a totally different feeling.

If they aren't confident enough to marry, that's okay, but then why would it be smart to invest in a property together so prematurely? That doesn't make sense, it makes a mess. 

I can understand wanting a discount on what she's already paying to someone else, but expecting a free ride on a partner's financial burden isn't exactly romantic, either.

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Another thing that I find a bit odd is her not contributing to the purchase of the house. If they are so serious that they have decided to live together, why not buy a house together? 

I'm sorry but this is way off base.  She is in her early 20s and they are not married.  It's not "odd" that they are not buying the house together.  It would be incredibly foolish for the OP to do that.  You don't ever buy a house with someone who you aren't married to or at least in a rock solid relationship with.

[Leihla_B]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would have strongly counselled against this if my daughter wanted to get a joint mortgage in this situation.   

That said, my daughter actually lives with her boyfriend in an apartment he bought and she pays him discounted rent.   She gets cheap rent and he gets extra to pay his mortgage. Even if they break up, it's a win/win

Good point. I can see offering a lower rent than she's paying now or is likely to find on the market, but to say that any expectation of a financial contribution is offensive makes zero sense to me.

Often parents who love their children still charge their adult kids some form of rent There's nothing 'loving' or 'romantic' about expecting only one partner to carry a full financial burden--love is a two way street.

[Gaeta]

I think there are too many missing variables here. Is gf working? Is she earning enough to pay a rent?  Is she currently paying a rent? Has gf offered to pay other expenses?

 

[Els]

If you're a person in your late 30s wanting to live with your bf/gf who is nearly half your age, I think common sense dictates that they will not be able to afford to pay for 50% of a place that YOU choose (not sure about London, but where I live, market rent is equivalent to mortgage). It's strange that everyone you know seems to be recommending this... are they perhaps under the illusion that you are dating a woman close to your own age?

Anyway, it seems like the solution is that she continues renting her own place (so she can choose her own budget) and you two can live separately. FWIW, I'd never agree to the terms that you're describing. If I'm going to be paying 50% of the costs, I'm going to be making at least 50% of the decision on what those costs are and where I'll be living. Paying for 50% of a place that a partner chooses unilaterally without my input (AND gets equity on while I don't) would be frankly insane.

Edited September 21, 2024 by Els

[MsJayne]

You're asking for a whole lot of trouble by moving her in unless you take steps to ensure she can never claim ownership of any part of your property, part of which is having a tenancy agreement with her. Very unromantic, but not as unromantic as the sh**fight that could start when she matures and gets bored with her father-figure, (because that's what middle-aged men are to young women, no matter how attractive you are), and decides that she's paid for a portion of your property. Unless you're planning to marry this girl I'd tread very carefully. You don't want to end up being that person who lost property because of stupid relationship decisions. 

[basil67]

Looks like OP has closed their account

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I can appreciate the sentiment, but how is being practical about forming a domestic agreement between two fully grown adults 'humiliating'? Maybe he broke some fantasy bubble, but if two people want to live together, they'll need to be able to negotiate terms. And it won't be the last time.

Of course, but negotiating terms can be done in a manner different from “I bought this house, now you pay me full rent”.

7 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I can understand wanting a discount on what she's already paying to someone else, but expecting a free ride on a partner's financial burden isn't exactly romantic, either.

Of course it isn’t romantic, it’s a cause for breaking up.

I wouldn’t be with a woman who wants free rides from me in the first place. But once I’m sure the woman isn’t like that, why ask her to pay rent? If she is financially honest and decent and respectful, she’d find her own way to contribute. I wouldn’t even worry about that.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm sorry but this is way off base.  She is in her early 20s and they are not married.  It's not "odd" that they are not buying the house together.  It would be incredibly foolish for the OP to do that.  You don't ever buy a house with someone who you aren't married to or at least in a rock solid relationship with.

They were planning to live together in a house that belongs to one of the partners. Why would they do that if they weren’t planning to be married as well? I’m 48 and I’m still renting, if I bought a house and let a woman live in it, it would mean one thing, I’m going to stay with this woman forever.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

They were planning to live together in a house that belongs to one of the partners. Why would they do that if they weren’t planning to be married as well? I’m 48 and I’m still renting, if I bought a house and let a woman live in it, it would mean one thing, I’m going to stay with this woman forever.

I lived (rent free) in the house my husband owned jointly with his sisters.  There was certainly no discussion of marriage at this point - it was far too early for that.We did later buy a house together when we had been together long enough to know that we were a permanent item

Meanwhile, our daughter has been living with her boyfriend in his apartment (paying reduced rent) and they are starting to talk engagement.  

We all operate on different timelines and that's OK

Edited September 21, 2024 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

They were planning to live together in a house that belongs to one of the partners. Why would they do that if they weren’t planning to be married as well? I’m 48 and I’m still renting, if I bought a house and let a woman live in it, it would mean one thing, I’m going to stay with this woman forever.

You've never heard of a couple living together without being engaged or necessarily planning to get married?  It is something that people do all the time.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You've never heard of a couple living together without being engaged or necessarily planning to get married?  It is something that people do all the time.

Not in a house that one of the partners actually bought, no. I thought if the OP asked his GF to move in with him in a house that actually belongs to him, it is an equivalent of engagement or marriage. I’m engaged, and I’m still renting and we have no plans to buy a house right now. It’s just a huge step. It would eat up all my life’s savings, too. 

Maybe it’s a cultural difference, I’ve been living in East Asia for such a long time that I’ve become used to this concept - buy your own house = ready to get married and have kids. Nobody here lives in their own houses alone or with short-term partners. You either live with your parents in their house, live in your own house with your wife and kids, or rent.