The pain of an ending - need courage

[Aotearoagirl]

First time posting and just desperate to tell my story. I had an affair with a MM. I was in a 17 year marriage unhappy for at least a decade and no sex, cuddles or anything for 10 years. My husband is a decent father but he has taken no interest in our relationship for years. I've tried but he didn't want counselling and wanted to stay as we were for our 2 kids.

I was on a sports tour for 3 weeks with my son as a parent help with other parents when I met the MM. We clicked immediately. At the end of the trip he told me he wanted to continue with me - to see if we could have a long term relationship.  I was flattered, excited and fell hard for him. He was affectionate and caring and gave me everything I was missing. Shortly after we returned from the trip he left his wife and moved out.  He didn't tell her about me but she was suspicious. I had a family trip booked later in the year and we agreed that I would tell my husband I wanted to leave him when we came back from the trip. In the meantime we caught up occasionally and talked and texted daily. This went on for a few months and we got to know each other very well and the depth of our affection grew.

Then we met to go on a forest walk togwther but his wife had tracked his location on his phone and found us there together holding hands.

She went straight home and told his children (28, 19 and 15) about me. The eldest was fairly pragmatic but the other 2 cut him off completely.  He still stuck with me and I told my husband what was going on and we agreed to separate. My MM was open with family and talked to his mum, his daughter and son-in-law, his friends and his brother-in-law about me. We didn't see each other much in this period as he was trying to repair things with his children. 

Three weeks after his kids cut him off they were still not speaking to hum. That was when he texted me and told me it was over. He told me that he loved me but he loved his family more. He just couldn't bear his 2 younger kids not talking to him.  His wife accepted him back and they are having counselling to repair their relationship (she has had multiple affairs too in the past).

Since then he has reached out to me occasionally and I have responded.  We started off friendly and then it got flirty again and then he asked me to send him a picture. 

My husband and I are now separated and I have a new place. I'm not proud of the affair but I can at least be open and honest with my husband now. 

My MM texted me the other day saying that he had agreed in counselling to his wife's request to send me an email - saying that they were working on their relationship and it was going really well, that he had deleted my contact details and he asked that I do the same and not contact him again. He was texting me so I knew the background to the email, and so I didn't worry about receiving it. I was absolutely livid and told him he was a lying s*** and I wanted nothing more to do with him.  I heard nothing from him for over a week, then I caved and messaged him to say I was sorry for lashing out. He called me back immediately and we have reconnected again. I hate myself for that.  He's away with her this weekend but has promised to call me when she goes home on Sunday and his work conference begins. So I know I have gone from being a future life partner to a bit on the side. I am absolutely devastated that I have put myself in this position, but also that he thinks this is okay.

I know what I need to do. I need to cut him off completely because as Maya Angelou says - 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. 

I am just grieving the loss of a future partner who I thought truly loved me and who I was going to have a life with. Leaving my husband has been the right thing for both him and me - so I have no regrets there - except for how I betrayed his trust and didn't have the courage to leave him beforehand - that's on me. I wasn't waiting for a soft landing,  but my MM did show me the affection and love and emotional support that I crave and crystallized for me the fact that I couldn't stay in my marriage.

Anyway - this post is here because I need some encouragement and the strength to cut MM off completely.  What I have now is so far from what I had hoped for, but it does go to show what he is actually made of. I have been stupid to carry on after the initial break up but feeling so weak and damaged at the ending of 2 important relationships. I need to find my courage and self-worth. Thanks for reading my words.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Aotearoagirl said:

my MM did show me the affection and love and emotional support that I crave and crystallized for me the fact that I couldn't stay in my marriage.

Not all relationships are intended to last forever. If this was the purpose of that relationship, he has given you a real gift. 

Now, you need to go out and find the man who is meant to be your life partner - because this MM is not the one. 

He has done what so many men do… things are all well and good until they face the consequence of their actions. It’s not easy for a MM to lose the respect of his children. He has made his choice - you need to accept that and find a way to move on with your life…

[Gebidozo]

Agree with Bailey, this relationship helped you make a difficult, but ultimately good decision. You’re now free from a loveless marriage and from guilt. The relationship has served its purpose and now it’s time to move on.

You appear to be a strong person who sees things as they are. You aren’t deluding yourself and you know what you really want. Stay strong and keep no contact with the MM. Time will pass, and you’ll surely find someone to share freedom and love with.

[Aotearoagirl]

Thank you BaileyB and Gebidozo.

I do think he reminded me how much I was missing out on. I just crave emotional and physical connection and I had that with the MM but it has now become a thin and dank shadow of what I wanted. I feel bereft that I had a marriage where I was told my needs and wants were unimportant and then ended up experiencing exactly the same type of rejection in a parallel relationship that was supposed to be the solution.  It's all my own doing as I got myself into this mess, but I've survived worse than this so I know I can do it, just need to dig out my tiny remaining speck of self-worth and get myself back on track. Thanks for responding and for your insightful and helpful comments!

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Aotearoagirl said:

I feel bereft that I had a marriage where I was told my needs and wants were unimportant and then ended up experiencing exactly the same type of rejection in a parallel relationship that was supposed to be the solution.

As people on this site say, your true love is never going to be found in another woman’s husband. Unfortunately, you learned that lesson the hard way. 

Chin up, life goes on… I would take the lesson here and leave the rest. My best advice is - sad as it is that things didn’t work out the way you had hoped, don’t waste too much time grieving. Get some counselling if you think that would help, find your joy again, and when you are ready… do out and find the love that is meant for you. 

[Leihla_B]

6 hours ago, Aotearoagirl said:

...just need to dig out my tiny remaining speck of self-worth and get myself back on track.

Despite appearances, this wasn't the loss of your self-worth, it was your trick to get it back. Could you have persuaded yourself to separate any other way?

The MM was your tool. Now he's someone else's, and you know to stop using him. You have so much self exploration and potential joy to look forward to. The great romance will come, but not until you've climbed high enough to gain the right perspective on disloyalty. It was useful for what both you and MM needed at the time, but if you engage it any further, you'll burn yourself. You'll harm the future potential that you just can't see yet. Climb high, and take a look.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/20/2024 at 9:18 PM, Aotearoagirl said:

So I know I have gone from being a future life partner to a bit on the side.

With respect, I don't think you were ever a future life partner. 

He might have talked a big talk, but his actions betray his true feelings. He didn't want to end his marriage to be with you, and he likely never really intended to. It's just that you didn't know that until now. 

So in other words? This guy was never the solution. It was rather naive to believe otherwise, yes but you did put an end to an unhappy marriage. You are free now. It will take time to heal from it all, but a big part of that will be letting go of the fantasy that this affair was ever going to amount to more. 

[Aotearoagirl]

 

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With respect, I don't think you were ever a future life partner. 

Honestly, that hurt to hear Expat, but I think you're right.  We had a little fantasy but we were in our own little bubble and it probably wouldn't have survived in the real world.  But I wanted to believe in it so badly because it seemed to deliver everything I was looking for.

His wife has now gone home - so as expected he messaged me late last night after his conference evening function had ended - it simply read 'Are you awake?'.  It was the first time I had heard from him for nearly a week.  He was probably drunk/had been drinking too.   I looked at that message about 50 times and came so close to replying - the usual pattern would be giving in and talking to him for the evening or sending flirty texts.   Instead I actually came here to the forum and re-read the comments on my post from those of you who have been kind enough to reply.  I also played Lizzo''s song 'Truth Hurts' on repeat for about an hour which also really helped!

I have sent him a message this morning telling him that I don't want to hear from him again.  He hasn't replied but that's not a real surprise because I've probably spoilt his fun and he's feeling a bit sorry for himself,.  But I am feeling pretty good and I want to say thank you to you all. 

[happyhorizons]

You are going to be so much better off in the long run. Be strong and look forward to new beginnings 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Aotearoagirl said:

I have sent him a message this morning telling him that I don't want to hear from him again.  He hasn't replied but that's not a real surprise because I've probably spoilt his fun and he's feeling a bit sorry for himself,.  But I am feeling pretty good and I want to say thank you to you all. 

Excellent work! Your whole future awaits. No need to waste another minute distracted by someone who can't offer you anything beyond flattery and 'ick.' 

Head high.

[happyhorizons]

7 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Excellent work! Your whole future awaits. No need to waste another minute distracted by someone who can't offer you anything beyond flattery and 'ick.' 

Head high.

This ^ is great advice…..

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Aotearoagirl said:

I have sent him a message this morning telling him that I don't want to hear from him again.  He hasn't replied but that's not a real surprise because I've probably spoilt his fun and he's feeling a bit sorry for himself,. 

Good for you. 

A lot of married cheaters use their affairs as a crutch to prop up their marriage. Meaning, the marriage has problems but their side-action makes things at home more tolerable because they're still having their fun and excitement elsewhere. But when reality hits and the crutch no longer wants to play along, they are stuck with their lot. Let him deal with it. 

7 hours ago, Aotearoagirl said:

Honestly, that hurt to hear Expat, but I think you're right.  We had a little fantasy but we were in our own little bubble and it probably wouldn't have survived in the real world. 

And this is important to remember. Many people caught up in affairs think this is the relationship they've been yearning for, but really, it's a very premature assumption because it doesn't exist as a real relatiosnhip. It exists in the vacuum of secrecy and stolen moments, not out in the open and with the daily challenges that real relationships natrually face. Affairs don't lend the opportunity to know what it's really like to be together day after day, what it's like when you actually get to know each other. They often fall apart for a reason, largely because the other person is not what one party expected, or it's simply boring and lacklustre once the "thrill" of those stolen moments  is gone. When the other person is always around and available, it often loses its appeal. 

Keep going without him. It's going to feel liberating once the sting wears off and you can go on your merry way. 

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Affairs don't lend the opportunity to know what it's really like to be together day after day, what it's like when you actually get to know each other. They often fall apart for a reason, largely because the other person is not what one party expected, or it's simply boring and lacklustre once the "thrill" of those stolen moments  is gone.

Yes, and one significant burst of that bubble is fallout with one's children. It didn't go well with MM's kids, and we don't know how OP's would respond.

When parents split up, that knocks the entire foundation out from underneath a child. Their whole stable world, which they've counted on their entire life, has been usurped, and they need lots of time to adjust to a new normal. Some never do. If you add a new lover to the mix prematurely, it compounds the problem by sending the message that their secure relationship with their parent is far less important to the parent than they could have imagined. It's a gut punch.