Is it okay to reach out to a friend who ghosted you years ago?

[lemonicetea]

So I had this friend I’m going to call Brian. He was someone I knew from high school, but we weren’t super close friends. Later in 2018, I randomly ran into him at a store he was working at. A few months later I coincidentally saw him on OK Cupid so we started hanging out as friends, or at least I always felt it was platonic. Everything was great as far as I could tell.
 

Then in the spring/summer of 2021 there were several incidents of him flaking out on plans because of this, that, and the other. Then he stopped responding to my texts for a couple weeks. When I wished him a happy birthday that October, he sent a text back claiming there was a death in the family, and he was stressed and depressed and didn’t want to drag his friends into it and he promises to reach out when things get better.  I told him I was sorry for his loss and I will give him some space. I sent him a text the following January pretty much just asking how he was doing and that text was never read until April and he never responded. 
 

Now it’s been nearly three years. I wondering if I should try texting him again. Like just one text, and if he doesn’t respond then I’ll let it rest. Also if he tells me to stop contacting him I will respect his wishes. What do you think? 

[Acacia98]

Why do you want to text him?

[MsJayne]

I'd leave re-initiating contact up to him. Your text not even being read until April tells you he's not interested, and not giving even a polite response confirms it. No matter what stuff he has going on in his life, if your friendship meant anything to him he'd at least send a brief acknowledgement. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

Now it’s been nearly three years. I wondering if I should try texting him again. Like just one text, and if he doesn’t respond then I’ll let it rest. Also if he tells me to stop contacting him I will respect his wishes. What do you think? 

He has already basically told you he's not interested in talking to you, with flaking out on plans repeatedly and not responding to your last text.  Why don't you respect his wishes now, instead of chasing him yet again?  

[lemonicetea]

19 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Why do you want to text him?

Honestly I’m kind of lonely right now. I’m working at a new place so I don’t have my “work family” anymore so I’ve been thinking about old friends lately. 

[Leihla_B]

21 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

...we started hanging out as friends, or at least I always felt it was platonic. Everything was great as far as I could tell.

Sounds like at some point it wasn't so great with him. Unless OKCupid has a 'friends only' section, he wasn't on there to seek platonic friendship. He may have stuck around your tunnel vision long enough to confirm that you're never going to view him in any other light, so he just let go.

Contacting at this point would assume that he wants to be your friend again. He's already demonstrated otherwise. That said, you don't really have anything left to lose by reaching out, but I'd reconsider whether you believe it would be fair to him. 

[lemonicetea]

34 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Sounds like at some point it wasn't so great with him. Unless OKCupid has a 'friends only' section, he wasn't on there to seek platonic friendship. He may have stuck around your tunnel vision long enough to confirm that you're never going to view him in any other light, so he just let 

That’s what I’m kind of afraid of. I honestly started to develop feelings for him after a while, but I was scared to ever tell him about it because I have issues with trusting people. I know in all seriousness that nice guys do exist, but I honestly feel like just because somebody acts nice, doesn’t mean they are. Nobody is ever going to up front and honest about being an abuser (I’m not saying my friend was an abuser but you know what I mean).  I feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry, but I keep on trying to get over it by trying to meet more people. 

[stillafool]

I think you should just concentrate on making new friends.  Are any of the people you work with now nice, close to your age and single?  If so, do they go to happy hours or anything that you can join in on?

Edited September 21 by stillafool

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

...I honestly started to develop feelings for him after a while...

Okay, think through what changed in your friendship before he started flaking and canceling. Did you argue? Could something have hurt his feelings?

Quote

...but I was scared to ever tell him about it because I have issues with trusting people.

I know in all seriousness that nice guys do exist, but I honestly feel like just because somebody acts nice, doesn’t mean they are. Nobody is ever going to up front and honest about being an abuser (I’m not saying my friend was an abuser but you know what I mean).  I feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry, but I keep on trying to get over it by trying to meet more people. 

This is the bigger stuff you may want to address before you pour your nostalgia into this one person. In all these years, both during your friendship with this guy plus the years afterward, have you ever formed a romanic relationship with anyone?

I ask becasue you've taken one question about this guy and you've drilled your answer into a very deep spiral. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually good work that deserves your focus. Your estragement with the guy is a byproduct of it, and he may not really be where you want to focus any action right now. Explore your mistrust and fears, and consider whether this guy is the only example you can think of where these may have created a barrier for you.

Are you in therapy, or have you ever been?

[lemonicetea]

37 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Okay, think through what changed in your friendship before he started flaking and canceling. Did you argue? Could something have hurt his feelings?

This is the bigger stuff you may want to address before you pour your nostalgia into this one person. In all these years, both during your friendship with this guy plus the years afterward, have you ever formed a romanic relationship with anyone?

I ask becasue you've taken one question about this guy and you've drilled your answer into a very deep spiral. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually good work that deserves your focus. Your estragement with the guy is a byproduct of it, and he may not really be where you want to focus any action right now. Explore your mistrust and fears, and consider whether this guy is the only example you can think of where these may have created a barrier for you.

Are you in therapy, or have you ever been?

I haven’t formed any romantic relationships with anybody since. I started using Hinge recently and I have only met one person as described here in  this thread. I also got the phone number of another girl who is more like a pen pal to me (she’s married, and we just text each other every now and then platonically). 
 

I have a therapist that I’ve seen every now and then but maybe I should see her again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother reaching out again. 

It isn't going to help you feel less lonely by searching for someone who didn't care to respond before. 

[Foxhall]

Brian doesnt sound very reliable- yet maybe he is/was  depressed. 

there is just a small chance he might actually appreciate you reaching out,

 

most people would not bother but there is something drawing you to him and Id say perhaps take a chance and satisfy your curiosity,

you dont have a lot to lose.

[Georgia46]

It sounds to me as though you may be feeling lonely. 
 

is there anyone you can connect with any friends nearby, or maybe also join a dating site to meet new people?

 

they sound like better options.   
 

Sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees -  but Brian made up an excuse, didn’t read your message for months and it’s been 3 YEARS.     Please don’t contact him again.   
you can make newer and much better *friends* than that. 
 

take care 🤗

 

Edited October 7 by Georgia46