How to move on from an ex?

[danguitartart]

Hi everyone,

Recently I posted here for advice as I was thinking of reaching out to my ex:

Those that replied will be glad to hear that I didn't contact her in the end 🙌

However, I'm finding it extremely hard to move on from her - she seems to occupy my thoughts most of the time. I'm keeping myself busy, seeing friends, focusing on my business, going to the gym etc, but I can't stop thinking and wondering about her...despite the fact I know I'm better off out of the relationship?

I've unfollowed her across all socials and have no contact with her whatsoever, but her memory remains.

(For some context, we dated for 5 months and it was intense (both good and bad) and she left me just over 7 weeks ago).

So how the hell do I move on from her once and for all?

Thanks for reading

[Gebidozo]

You move on by reminding yourself that it was a difficult relationship with a controlling, jealous person, and by understanding that you’re now free to find a woman who will treat you better.

Of course her memory remains, and with time, it will weed out the bad, while the good will be treasured and you’ll be thankful to her for the experience. But for now, just remember how she treated you and you’ll feel relief.

[danguitartart]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You move on by reminding yourself that it was a difficult relationship with a controlling, jealous person, and by understanding that you’re now free to find a woman who will treat you better.

Of course her memory remains, and with time, it will weed out the bad, while the good will be treasured and you’ll be thankful to her for the experience. But for now, just remember how she treated you and you’ll feel relief.

Thank you, I really needed to hear this today. My mind keeps focusing on how amazing it was to start with and I miss those feelings, but my intuition told me something was off and my anxiety grew from there. So I need to keep reminding myself of that 🙌

Edited September 21, 2024 by danguitartart

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, danguitartart said:

(For some context, we dated for 5 months and it was intense (both good and bad) and she left me just over 7 weeks ago).

Oh dear! It will take more than 7 weeks to get over someone. Once l dated this man for 5-6 months. It was so intense he was like a drug to me. It took me an entire year to get him out of my head. 

Just continue doing what you're doing. Repeat to yourself it's temporary and she will get out of your head with patience. 

[Georgia46]

Why do we get attached to bad people? 
 

I guess they become a habit and you get used to them.   Sometimes when you are in something you can’t see the bigger picture.  
 

I definitely think you need time though - it   heals most wounds. 
 

take it easy and don’t be too hard on yourself. 😎😎

[ShyViolet]

7 weeks is still very fresh.  It hasn't been long at all since this happened.  Just keep doing what you're doing, live your life, do not even think for a second about contacting her.  And I promise you, months from now, years from now, this will be a distant memory.

[danguitartart]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear! It will take more than 7 weeks to get over someone. Once l dated this man for 5-6 months. It was so intense he was like a drug to me. It took me an entire year to get him out of my head. 

Just continue doing what you're doing. Repeat to yourself it's temporary and she will get out of your head with patience. 

Thank you - it certainly was intense...by far and away the most intense relationship I've ever been involved in, and she was exactly like a drug. In fact, she once joked she was my kryptonite, and she wasn't wrong.

[danguitartart]

24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

7 weeks is still very fresh.  It hasn't been long at all since this happened.  Just keep doing what you're doing, live your life, do not even think for a second about contacting her.  And I promise you, months from now, years from now, this will be a distant memory.

Thanks - you're right, it's not long at all and it still feels raw. I'm planning a solo trip away soon so that'll help to hopefully flush her out of my system 🤞

[danguitartart]

37 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Why do we get attached to bad people? 
 

I guess they become a habit and you get used to them.   Sometimes when you are in something you can’t see the bigger picture.  
 

I definitely think you need time though - it   heals most wounds. 
 

take it easy and don’t be too hard on yourself. 😎😎

Thanks - she wasn't inherently bad but she was controlling and jealous...I did feel like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time. Anyway, I'll try and be gentle with myself, thank you 🙏

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It was so intense he was like a drug to me. It took me an entire year to get him out of my head. 

Great point. Love IS actually a drug effect on the body. It floods a hormone called 'Oxytocin,' and it's a whopper. I heard a doctor describe it as an impact so strong, it's like taking one eyedropper of red fluid from a bottle, releasing it into an olympic sized swimming pool, and watching all the water in the pool turn pink.

Some people fear losing their love after they no longer feel that rush. At some point the body builds a tolerance for the hormone, and the high is reduced. Then over time, the body regulates the hormone back to normal levels.

If we lose the relationship before that happens, we're still riding the 'drug'. But even if we break up after that's normalized, we still have the memories and the emotional loss to contend with, which are grief stresses that can actually raise the hormone levels again. 

OP, my heart goes out to you. This is not some mental deficiency is you, it's grief. It might be helpful to carve out a specific time of day with your memories. It's helpful if you can cry during this time to release the hormones. This can also help you to push grief aside the rest of the day to focus on other things. It also helps to have a list you want to accomplish so that your mind can move over to that list during or after your grief time.

You'll find yourself needing less and less grief time as you become more invested and focused on your list.

Edited September 21, 2024 by Leihla_B

[danguitartart]

4 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Great point. Love IS actually a drug effect on the body. It floods a hormone called 'Oxytocin,' and it's a whopper. I heard a doctor describe it as an impact so strong, it's like taking one eyedropper of red fluid from a bottle, releasing it into an olympic sized swimming pool, and watching all the water in the pool turn pink.

Some people fear losing their love after they no longer feel that rush. At some point the body builds a tolerance for the hormone, and the high is reduced. Then over time, the body regulates the hormone back to normal levels.

If we lose the relationship before that happens, we're still riding the 'drug'. But even if we break up after that's normalized, we still have the memories and the emotional loss to contend with, which are grief stresses that can actually raise the hormone levels again. 

OP, my heart goes out to you. This is not some mental deficiency is you, it's grief. It might be helpful to carve out a specific time of day with your memories. It's helpful if you can cry during this time to release the hormones. This can also help you to push grief aside the rest of the day to focus on other things. It also helps to have a list you want to accomplish so that your mind can move over to that list during or after your grief time.

You'll find yourself needing less and less grief time as you become more invested and focused on your list.

Thanks for this - it's weird, I haven't really grieved for this relationship as it was so intense and suffocating, and it was a relief initially when it ended, but maybe I need to. I've been married twice before and my therapist feels that I'm not properly over those relationships, let alone my ex. I took a lot of baggage into the relationship but so did she, but she refused to acknowledge it. 

 

Anyway, I have a few things I'd like to achieve in the next year or so, so I'll focus on that 🙏

[Leihla_B]

37 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

...my therapist feels that I'm not properly over those relationships, let alone my ex. 

Yep, most of us carry around at least some remnants of our old stuff. Some are better at purging them than others. Some good boo-hoos with a tissue box helps. I think that's why lots of us like sad movies. They can get things started.

It's great if we had parents that told us to have a good cry instead of to stop crying, but that's pretty rare. I can say this, the best purges I've ever had start out to be about one thing, but if I can stay with it, I can feel like I'm crying for all the tears I've ever cried, or all the times I never cried. The release is fabulous!

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, danguitartart said:

I'm not properly over those relationships, let alone my ex. 

My dude, sometimes I feel a pang when I think about a couple of relationships I had that literally lasted a few months each and ended almost 30 years ago.

Like the others said, 7 weeks is nothing, take some time to heal and don’t worry, this is totally normal. 

There is a difference between not being over a relationship in the sense of still wanting to be with that person and being emotionally unavailable to other people, and “not being over” in the sense of occasionally being sad and have those little pangs in the heart when you go deep into your memory. Eventually you’ll be over her in the first, real sense, but maybe never in the second, and that’s okay.

Edited September 22, 2024 by Gebidozo

[danguitartart]

14 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Yep, most of us carry around at least some remnants of our old stuff. Some are better at purging them than others. Some good boo-hoos with a tissue box helps. I think that's why lots of us like sad movies. They can get things started.

It's great if we had parents that told us to have a good cry instead of to stop crying, but that's pretty rare. I can say this, the best purges I've ever had start out to be about one thing, but if I can stay with it, I can feel like I'm crying for all the tears I've ever cried, or all the times I never cried. The release is fabulous!

I'm on anti-anxiety meds at the moment (Citalopram) and I wonder if that's numbing / masking my emotions? I'd like to come off them as my main source of anxiety was my relationship, so obviously that's no longer an issue 🤣 Seriously though, I haven't cried properly in a while so I'm sure a purge would do me good... 

[danguitartart]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My dude, sometimes I feel a pang when I think about a couple of relationships I had that literally lasted a few months each and ended almost 30 years ago.

Like the others said, 7 weeks is nothing, take some time to heal and don’t worry, this is totally normal. 

There is a difference between not being over a relationship in the sense of still wanting to be with that person and being emotionally unavailable to other people, and “not being over” in the sense of occasionally being sad and have those little pangs in the heart when you go deep into your memory. Eventually you’ll be over her in the first, real sense, but maybe never in the second, and that’s okay.

For me I think there's a lot going on with this, and it's really uncovered some deep wounds I need to address. No, her behaviour wasn't great at all but I had my moments, so I need to look at that. Also, I miss the excitement, lust and validation she gave me, and I've never felt that so intensely before. I almost craved the excitement even though the drama was causing me anxiety. I know there's a lot to unpick there...