Recently separated after 28 years and wasn't expecting it at all

[Sting-ray5]

Hello.

My name is Shawn, I’m a 46 year old man that’s been married for 20 years and with my wife for 28 years. My wife and I recently separated and I’m am totally lost. I dedicated my life to my family. My job I took because of the hours and it was better because I could be home to get kids from the bus etc. I did almost everything around the house, cooked, cleaned, my own laundry,( wife makes my kids do their own) maintained the house etc.Than all of a sudden she tells me she’s unhappy and wants us to separate. We almost never argued, no emotional or physical abuse, no infidelity EVER, no gambling problems, no drug or alcohol abuse. She just said she still loves me but is not in love with me. She doesn’t want us to see other people while separated. My kids are a mess, we have 4. Oldest is 17 and the youngest is 10. The oldest and youngest are taking it the hardest. She told my 15 year old last night that she doesn’t miss me at all and I’m not coming home anytime soon. It’s only been a week though.  I’m so confused, hurt and lost. I would’ve stepped in front traffic for that woman. She turned 49 years old in June so I don’t know if perimentapause has anything to do with it. I told her I’d do marriage counseling, couples therapy, individual therapy and so on. She wants no parts. But she kinda keeps stringing me along and telling me she doesn’t know exactly what she wants. If anyone has any advice or insight I would really appreciate it.   Also I’ve been talking to my mom and dad, my brother, her mom and dad and her brother through this ordeal. She talked to her mom briefly once. I’m living at my in-laws house for the week because they went on a cruise and offered for me to stay here. 

[Gebidozo]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Unfortunately, cases such as yours aren’t uncommon. You got together with your wife when you were 18 and she was 21. I assume neither of you had much prior experience when you got together at such a young age. I’ve never seen a couple that got together at such a young age and stayed together happily for good. On the contrary, I know several couples who experienced exactly what you’re experiencing. It’s usually the wife that suddenly realizes some uncomfortable truths. There might be some deep-seated emotional, spiritual, intellectual, or sexual incompatibilities that you guys aren’t even aware of.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think you guys have a future now that you’re separated and your wife isn’t in love with you anymore. I don’t think it’s fair that your wife demands you don’t see anyone else. Set yourself free. You aren’t old. I got into my best relationship when I was exactly your age.

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, Shawn k said:

She told my 15 year old last night that she doesn’t miss me at all and I’m not coming home anytime soon.

My heart goes out to you. Did your child tell you this? That's dirty pool, saying that to her child, and I'd discuss boundaries on how she speaks to your children right away. She has no right to use your kids as emotional punching bags.

Why would you be willing to leave your own home? I'd move right back in, and I'd tell her If she wants the separation, she's free to do the leaving. She might be angry about that, but she'd also begrudgingly respect you more.

Seek legal advice immediately. This isn't about filing for divorce, it's about protecting yourself and your children from your wife's narrow agenda. Find out all of your options so that you can operate on real information rather than on emotions alone.

[Sting-ray5]

Thank you for the response.  Hurts like hell to hear we probably aren’t going to make it. I’m sure everyone that has been or will be in my position feels like they were special and had something special.  I literally just spoke to her face to face at my little guys little league game.  I told her about not bashing each other in front of the kids and she still doesn’t want us to date or see other people. I don’t get it. I don’t want to be alone but I guess she just us to finish raising the kids and she’ll die alone one day.  Sounds like a sad existence to me. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me like it was a one-side relationship where you are over-giving. 

What's so special about her? Are you sure this is an equal relationship?

[Sting-ray5]

You are 100% right. She is very attractive and is the bread winner and she’s all I know. I just can’t see myself with anybody else and with having 4 kids I would’ve stayed forever. But maybe this is for the best. My 17 told her the other night that for as long as he can remember daddy has loved her so much and would’ve done anything for her. Yet she didn’t act like she even cared. That’s coming from a 17 year old.  I really think what’s gonna happen in the end is I’m gonna move on, hopefully find someone else that loves and appreciates me and she’ll realize this was the biggest mistake she ever made and it’ll be to late.  But I’m such a nice and loving guy that’s dedicated to his wife and kids I actually worry about that happening to her.  

[basil67]

On 9/22/2024 at 6:34 AM, Shawn k said:

 I told her about not bashing each other in front of the kids and she still doesn’t want us to date or see other people. 

Have you tried standing up to her?   For instance, if she's gone, who you may or may not date is none of her business.   And why are you staying away from the house?  If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to get her own rear end out the door.  

[tzorno]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I know how you feel.  The whole thing just feels surreal and unbelievable.  I'm a bit slanted when it comes to these things so I can only give you advice from the experience I went through.  Your wife checked out.  No matter what you do now or what you offer will make no difference.  She doesn't care.  

From my experience and findings, it seem's like some people reach a point (menopause for many) where they look at their lives and believe they haven't done anything but raise children.  They feel entitled to something more than just normalcy.  They picture a Harlequin Romance novel which doesn't exist.  The old 'i'm unhappy' line is all you will ever recieve.  There will be no closure for you.  The questions you have will never be answered.  It sucks, but it's true. 

You say there is no infidelity.  You might want to check into that a bit more.  People just don't do a 180 for no reason.  

Get a lawyer today.  You stated she is the bread winner, so she may end up paying you alimony.  Also you have 4 children, so you are going to be forced to deal with her for years to come.  That's unfortunate as the scab will continue to be ripped open over and over.  No contact is the best way to heal.  

You are going to go through a lot of emotions and I feel horrible for you.  Please just don't stay there long.  I have and it's not the answer.

Best of luck to you and again, i'm sorry you are going through this.  There is nothing harder. 

[Sting-ray5]

Yep she is done. Apparently she told her mom that she just doesn’t wanna be married anymore. I did everything and anything for that woman. I am starting to feel better day by day but I really is surreal. Everyone of my kids has asked me if and when I get my own place can they come and live with me. That least makes me feel better because I must’ve not been THAT BAD to live with. The newest thing is that the kids don’t know how to clean up after themselves because I did everything. I said to her “ you know this was a 50/50 relationship and it’s just as much your fault as it is mine”.  I also told her that I havnt once heard her take any responsibility for this. 

[Leihla_B]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

Have you tried standing up to her?   For instance, if she's gone, who you may or may not date is none of her business.   And why are you staying away from the house?  If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to get her own rear end out the door.  

I second this.

14 hours ago, tzorno said:

Get a lawyer today.  You stated she is the bread winner, so she may end up paying you alimony. 

I second this.

Don't do the hapless compliant guy thing to your own detriment. It won't win her back, and it deprives you of your own home, to which you are perfectly entitled to the degree your attorney has advised--have you consulted one yet? 

You will have plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff later, but you must step up and address the practical stuff now. As in yesterday. Get legal advice--immediately--if not for yourself, then for your kids, who don't deserve to lose your presence in their daily lives.

If wife wants out, tell HER to go.

Edited September 24 by Leihla_B

[Sting-ray5]

No I havnt spoken to an attorney yet. Does anyone know how much it would cost to consult one?  The reason I havnt is because I only have one paycheck in the bank so far. I have my own bank account now but my paycheck from the week before when the bottom fell out the wife said she needed to keep it to pay taxes. She did ask me first if it was ok. Needless to say I’m only working with about 1200 bucks as of now.  Today would’ve been our 20 year wedding anniversary. I’m not calling or texting her. If she wasn’t so cold I would’ve got a card and flowers and dropped them off at the house.  But I’m not doing it now. 

[tzorno]

Hard to say as attorneys vary.  I paid too much thinking it would make a difference.  It didn't.  It got ugly, but it didn't matter as divorce court cases are only buisness transactions.  They don't care if one person is Satan or not.  They are only dividing assets.  Your case is a bit different as she is the bread winner so you will probably end up getting money from her.  The only advice I can give is to try and get some kind of legal counsel as soon as you can to get all your ducks in a row.  The divorce itself is going to cost you.  Be prepared for that.  You'll more than likely be responsible for your lawyer and half the court fees.  It sucks I know.  

Divorce is such a horrible thing.  I feel awful for you.  It takes years to get financially stable again and that's not even mentioning the emotional toll and stress.  Some people do better than others with their feelings.  Some can just turn them off and move on without a hitch.  Others hold on to them for the rest of their lives.  I'm the latter.  I'll always hate my ex-wife for the damage she caused.  That's not a healthy mindset, but that's me.  I hope and pray that you are different and you find true happiness when it's all over.

[Sting-ray5]

Tzorno thank you so much. I’m also afraid getting an attorney is gonna make things way worse but i 100% understand why it’s necessary. I actually am doing pretty good in general as far as life and my emotions are concerned. I’m finally realizing that it really was a one sided relationship and she really did kind of treat me like s***. I miss her negative, nasty attitude less and less everyday. I also am starting to see the positive side of things while I was laying in bed in my new room at my parents house last night. My parents are older and healthy but who knows how much longer I’m gonna have them around. I am getting to spend a lot of quality time with them lately. They also get to see their grandchildren almost everyday now. Plus my younger brother still lives at home and we have sat on the back porch talking for hours lately. We havnt been close in decades. So all in all I think I’m doing alright. .  

[Sting-ray5]

I do have to say I am very worried about the future of my children’s relationship with their mother. She is directing her negativity and anger issues towards them lately. I wish she would talk to a therapist or even her family doctor but totally refuses. She threw me out of her life and now she’s pushing her children away. It’s really sad and a shame. She needs help! Whether is mental, hormonal, depression or all of the above I do still care for her but she won’t listen to me or her mom at all. She just says “ my feelings aren’t important” or “everyone is against me”. I guess you can’t someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. 

[Leihla_B]

Why not just move back into your home, and tell her that if she wants a separation, she's free to leave?

[S2B]

You need to move back in! Otherwise it may be viewed as abandonment of your family.

and yes, see an attorney. Try and get some assets moved to your name only. 
 

you need to know if you get 50% of everything earned since you married. And child and spousal support.

 read the book no more mr nice guy! 
 

I’d bet money your wife does have someone she is very interested in. So much so that she is willing to lose her whole family over this person. Start checking - it could be someone she works with!

either way - take photocopies of tax returns and bank statements/stocks you may have so you have an idea what assets to list and the current state of those. 

has she spent time doing anything out of her usual routine in the past year?

[tzorno]

For legal reasons he should move back in, but my Lord, who want's to walk on those egg shells?.  I kicked my cheating ex wife out and the couple times I had to see her again while she was getting her stuff was bad enough let alone having to see her everyday.

[Sting-ray5]

Sb2 no she hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary as far as routine goes. When she goes out she always has at least one of the kids with her. Tzorno you are 100% right.  I don’t wanna be walking on egg shells at home and deal with that anxiety anymore. Also if she were to leave and I stay at the house i can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my salary alone.  

[S2B]

Move back in and ignore her - focus only on the kids.

and you didn’t think she could be interested in someone she works with? 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, Shawn k said:

...if she were to leave and I stay at the house i can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my salary alone.  

You wouldn't need to. It's the family home where your children live. A court won't assign only one of you the responsibility of maintaining it. 

If she wants the separation, she can leave. Contact your local human services department for a referral to legal aid.

[S2B]

Get the divorce filed. That way she will likely be assigned child and spousal support - and you can get your life and future settled in by adjusting to what you know instead of what you are unsure of.

if that’s what she wants - then give it to her. You can build a new future that way.

[MsJayne]

On 9/24/2024 at 9:23 AM, Shawn k said:

Everyone of my kids has asked me if and when I get my own place can they come and live with me.

Why are you the one who has to get a new place? You're not the one who wants to break up the family and marriage, so why should you be the one to leave? Your kids sound like they're old enough to cope with you working full-time so you can afford the mortgage (?).  

Edited September 27 by MsJayne

[Leihla_B]

On 9/27/2024 at 4:45 AM, MsJayne said:

Why are you the one who has to get a new place? You're not the one who wants to break up the family and marriage, so why should you be the one to leave? Your kids sound like they're old enough to cope with you working full-time so you can afford the mortgage (?).  

This is exactly why legal advice is crucial. Each location is different, so nobody here can tell you the appropriate steps to protect yourself and your children. In some locations, leaving the home is viewed as abandonment, in others, not so. Legal advice is NOT the same thing as filing for divorce. If she has the money, let her take on that expense--but you still need the correct advice.

Contact the human services department of your local hospital or municipality for a referral to legal aid.

[Sting-ray5]

Leihla b thank you very much for the advice. I did contact human resource department and I have one year until it’s considered abandonment in my state. Also as far as her possibly being interested with someone at work. I highly doubt it but I guess anything is possible. It’s just before the original “I’m not happy” talk we had two months ago she got a big promotion at work. So she was in the same store for almost thirty years and now the office she works in is over 20 miles away with a completely new group of people who she didn’t know. Also I have asked a few times if there is someone else or possibly someone that she may be interested in and she convincingly says no everytime. She told her mom the same thing and her mom told me she does believe her. Also is there was someone that she was seeing or even had eyes for why would she be so adamant about us not dating or see other people right now.  I even told her while we were talking about separation the day it became official two weeks ago that even if it’s just someone she has eyes for to just tell me the truth no matter how much it would hurt because at least at that point I would understand why this is happening. Instead I’m stuck not knowing why the hell this happened and am left heartbroken and confused.  She has a very large family and sent out a group text to them last weekend explaining that we separated. When I seen her aunt the other day  she was telling me how confused she even is because I was so good to my wife. She also said the family still loves and supports me and that this isn’t the first time someone in their family split up and they all liked the non-family member person better than the family member. Which was really nice of her to say. 

[Leihla_B]

47 minutes ago, Shawn k said:

I did contact human resource department and I have one year until it’s considered abandonment in my state.

Okay, good. Did you set up an appointment for more advice? For instance, why not refuse to leave the home? Can you negotiate parental sharing of the home, say two weeks each per month, so that your children don't need to be the ones to travel back and forth between parents? Would filing a legal separation be wise, and would it protect you from any further debts she may incur? What are the best steps for you to take to protect yourself financially and in terms of custody and visitation? What kind of terms can you negotiate for support unless and until you find a full time job?

These are the practical things you need to obtain real information about rather than operating on emotions alone. The emotional stuff can be dealt with separately, but you have plenty of time to do that. Practical options are what need your attention now.