recently discovered lies

[AllisonTA]

My MM and I have been together 5+ years. I am single. We met after my very bad breakup. What began as a casual/OMG I truly met my best friend relationship quickly turned into a full blown affair full of love and lots of understanding. We have the advantage of overnight visits, vacations (international), date nights, ect. I even know and socialize with his family, friends and co-workers. How????? I've never asked what he's told his wife but essentially lies. I've never suspected he's lied to me blatantly. There's been many special occasions and family vacations in which he's told me upfront the details of those plans. Even the trip to Paris with just his wife about 3 years ago that def hurt and left a mark. Mostly because the little he's talked about his marriage left me with an impression that they didn't take vacations alone and def do anything that romantic. Naturally I suspected something changed between the 2 and I feared they were rekindling the marriage. But he returned from Paris and things between us continued as normal.
 

Fast forward to the beginning of this  summer which is an extremely hard time for me. His wife is a teacher so summers are when they spend a lot of family time together which includes his and his daughter's birthday, 1 big family vacation and a small end of summer thing at the lake. I literally dread these months so I'm prepared to hear about birthday and vacation plans like he's always told me about in the past years. EXCEPT this year he lied. Painful! For his birthday he said he spent at his Mom's and a couple days later had dinner with his close friends. He actually had a very romantic dinner with his wife, which I found out a couple week's later from her social media. Then he said he was going to Columbia with friends which turned out to be the family vacation. I knew the second he told me about Columbia it was a lie and everything completely changed for me emotionally. The "Columbia" trip was 3 weeks after he told me which is also the SAME week they have taken their family vacation for the past 4 years. The week leading up to "Columbia" he was in a panic trying to make plans to do something special with me bc that's what he likes to do. I hate it and think it's unnecessary. I made myself unavailable and decided not to see him. He even had the nerve to call me on the plane to say he was taking off soon. Without fail the wife posted a pic of him and their boys in Punta Cana 6 hours later.  I was crushed for so many reasons. He tried calling and I didn't answer. He sent messages on social media frantically trying to get in touch with me. After a while I simply responded not to worry about me and sent very short responses after his other attempts to contact me. Now I'm mentally and emotionally a wreck. I hardly ever go on the wife's social media. Just occasionally and very briefly on the lonely nights. I'm going down a rabbit hole cross referencing every post with text messages and I discover the LIES that he's told me. Again he returned from vacation and we went continued like normal. We even took our planned trip together a week later and I wanted to cancel it soooo bad.

Lastly as I was stalking the wife's social media I discovered 3 years ago she start teaching at a school about a mile from where I live, which is also the same neighborhood he works in. Immediately I feel sick. I find all this hard to believe. I think back to all the times he's been parked outside my building over night. Also all the times we've had dates in the neighborhood during the day and night. And all the times he's picked me up and dropped me off. How haven't we been caught?

For the past couple months I've been numb, confused and so full of anxiety. Why start lying to me now? Please please please help!

 

[happyhorizons]

2 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

My MM and I have been together 5+ years. I am single. We met after my very bad breakup. What began as a casual/OMG I truly met my best friend relationship quickly turned into a full blown affair full of love and lots of understanding. We have the advantage of overnight visits, vacations (international), date nights, ect. I even know and socialize with his family, friends and co-workers. How????? I've never asked what he's told his wife but essentially lies. I've never suspected he's lied to me blatantly. There's been many special occasions and family vacations in which he's told me upfront the details of those plans. Even the trip to Paris with just his wife about 3 years ago that def hurt and left a mark. Mostly because the little he's talked about his marriage left me with an impression that they didn't take vacations alone and def do anything that romantic. Naturally I suspected something changed between the 2 and I feared they were rekindling the marriage. But he returned from Paris and things between us continued as normal.
 

Fast forward to the beginning of this  summer which is an extremely hard time for me. His wife is a teacher so summers are when they spend a lot of family time together which includes his and his daughter's birthday, 1 big family vacation and a small end of summer thing at the lake. I literally dread these months so I'm prepared to hear about birthday and vacation plans like he's always told me about in the past years. EXCEPT this year he lied. Painful! For his birthday he said he spent at his Mom's and a couple days later had dinner with his close friends. He actually had a very romantic dinner with his wife, which I found out a couple week's later from her social media. Then he said he was going to Columbia with friends which turned out to be the family vacation. I knew the second he told me about Columbia it was a lie and everything completely changed for me emotionally. The "Columbia" trip was 3 weeks after he told me which is also the SAME week they have taken their family vacation for the past 4 years. The week leading up to "Columbia" he was in a panic trying to make plans to do something special with me bc that's what he likes to do. I hate it and think it's unnecessary. I made myself unavailable and decided not to see him. He even had the nerve to call me on the plane to say he was taking off soon. Without fail the wife posted a pic of him and their boys in Punta Cana 6 hours later.  I was crushed for so many reasons. He tried calling and I didn't answer. He sent messages on social media frantically trying to get in touch with me. After a while I simply responded not to worry about me and sent very short responses after his other attempts to contact me. Now I'm mentally and emotionally a wreck. I hardly ever go on the wife's social media. Just occasionally and very briefly on the lonely nights. I'm going down a rabbit hole cross referencing every post with text messages and I discover the LIES that he's told me. Again he returned from vacation and we went continued like normal. We even took our planned trip together a week later and I wanted to cancel it soooo bad.

Lastly as I was stalking the wife's social media I discovered 3 years ago she start teaching at a school about a mile from where I live, which is also the same neighborhood he works in. Immediately I feel sick. I find all this hard to believe. I think back to all the times he's been parked outside my building over night. Also all the times we've had dates in the neighborhood during the day and night. And all the times he's picked me up and dropped me off. How haven't we been caught?

For the past couple months I've been numb, confused and so full of anxiety. Why start lying to me now? Please please please help!

 

Allison, this seems to be a recipe for disaster both mentally for you. When the trust has eroded what do you really have left in the end?

[BaileyB]

Girl, this man has been lying to you for five years - you have just recently figured that out.

He is conducting two concurrent relationships - one can’t do that without lying to both women every single day…

You are lying to yourself if you don’t acknowledge that he is a happily married man… and he has no plan to change that. He has things exactly as he wants them right now. 

Edited September 23 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

Why start lying to me now?

He's likely been telling you lies all along, Allison. 

It's just that you didn't know it. He's a liar by definition. If he's been lying to his wife this long, you can be sure he's also been lying to you. To believe otherwise is naive, I'm afraid. 

[BaileyB]

What’s your end game Allison? It doesn’t sound like he has plans to leave his wife and family anytime soon. Five years is a very long time to be in a relationship with a man while trolling his wife’s social media for signs of his intentions…

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry, but what exactly did you expect? He’s been lying because that’s what cheaters do. Why are you humiliating yourself by being together with a cheater? He isn’t going to leave his wife. You need to get out of this deceitful, hurtful relationship ASAP.

[happyhorizons]

Allison, you deserve better!!!!

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

Please please please help!

What type of help are you seeking?  You know you're dealing with someone else's husband and not your own. Do you need help on how to navigate this affair or how to come to your senses and walk away.  He sounds like a happily married man, and I would say that your affair contributes to it. Because of you he goes home in a good mood for his wife.  You know they are still having sex at home and on their vacations no matter what he's told you.  So, between you and his wife he's getting all the sex he wants and needs.  I didn't read anywhere where he told you he is planning to leave his wife for you so what do you see happening?  I don't know how old you are, but do you plan to live your life alone and be his mistress in your old age?

[AllisonTA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

What’s your end game Allison? It doesn’t sound like he has plans to leave his wife and family anytime soon. Five years is a very long time to be in a relationship with a man while trolling his wife’s social media for signs of his intentions…

 I want to start by saying I thought this was a judgement free type of platform comprised of OW/OM like myself otherwise I wouldn't have shared but I appreciate your feedback  and what sort of seems like judgement doesn't offend me ... 

 

I def don't want him to leave his wife and the topic has never been discussed. I don't believe in marriage so I'm not dealing with that guilt. In the beginning I was mostly curious if he still has sex with his wife (yes) an if he'd be able to spend the night sometimes (yes). I continue to stay simply bc I'm comfortable and happy. He's loving and very generous. Spending time with him is mostly never a problem. We socialize and have traveled with his family, friends and coworkers. We go on dates, have long weekends and travel internationally. We actually travel more than they do. I share equally in this fantasy as much as he does. I also want to make clear that I know he's a liar and he's had to lie to both of us a lot for this to go on for 5+ years without her ever being an issue for me. Who knows what she knows and that's not my problem. Also I want to make clear I only stalked her social media during that brief moment of rage. I initially went looking for her page in the beginning bc I was curious what she looked like. And since then I've asked him to show me a pic of her and he did. In fact I make it a habit not to go on her page and seldomly in times of loneliness on our off nights (we as OW have many of those) I looked very briefly just to be nosy not bc I'm looking for signs of his intentions or any validations. Actually seeing him in pics with her helps me compartmentalize him and the A. Also seeing how diff we are physically (and mentally based off the things she posts) oddly relieves me. 

Up until the most recent discovery of the blatant lies our relationship had always been an ease for me mentally and emotionally. It's full of a lot of communication and understanding. Again I know telling lies are inevitable in affairs. It's not the lil lies that he has to tell to keep his ass out of trouble. In fact he loves sharing whatever is on his mind almost to a fault, which is why his lies about his birthday and family vacation this year is very perplexing. He's never lied about that before. He likes calling, FaceTime and shares pics during these times so being honest and open was never an issue. I can't confront him about those particular lies bc everything I know I found snooping on her social media bc he doesn't post any pictures of her on his social media. Ideally I'd like to ask him for the truth and be open like we normally are. And since I prob will never get to ask him I thought writing what I've kept bottled up here on what I thought was a support platform for us diff breed they lable as the OW/OM 😕

[Leihla_B]

27 minutes ago, AllisonTA said:

...I know he's a liar and he's had to lie to both of us a lot for this to go on for 5+ years without her ever being an issue for me. Who knows what she knows and that's not my problem. Also I want to make clear I only stalked her social media during that brief moment of rage.

For 5 years you've had a front row seat to view and comprehend this man's capacity for disloyalty and deceit. On one hand it's not an issue for you, yet on the other, it's caused you rage. You seem okay with the incongruency of that, so I'm not sure whether you have a question about managing both sides of that?

If you believe that disclosing your knowledge of this man's lies would somehow enhance your relationship with him, I'd venture to guess probably not. Your relationship with his dishonesty is complicity. If you turn the table and start to become the one to whom he must answer for his deceit, that will change the nature of your agreement with him. He's been allowed to enjoy experiences with you without the burdens and realities of any impacts on you. You've agreed to this position.

If you raise these things, you will expose your sleuthing to obtain information about his contradictions. Decide whether you're ready to deal with the consequences of that, which may include his choice to end things with you. Might a part of you be ready to prompt that?

If not, then just as you've chosen to vent here, you might find it helpful to work with someone who is objectively trained to guide people through this stuff. This might offer you a sounding board without risks to the relationship you may not yet be ready to let go.

[BaileyB]

 

1 hour ago, AllisonTA said:

I continue to stay simply bc I'm comfortable and happy.

 

7 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

Fast forward to the beginning of this  summer which is an extremely hard time for me. His wife is a teacher so summers are when they spend a lot of family time together which includes his and his daughter's birthday, 1 big family vacation and a small end of summer thing at the lake. I literally dread these months so I'm prepared to hear about birthday and vacation plans like he's always told me about in the past years. EXCEPT this year he lied. Painful! I knew the second he told me about Columbia it was a lie and everything completely changed for me emotionally. I was crushed for so many reasons. Now I'm mentally and emotionally a wreck. I hardly ever go on the wife's social media. Just occasionally and very briefly on the lonely nights.

Lastly as I was stalking the wife's social media I discovered 3 years ago she start teaching at a school about a mile from where I live. Immediately I feel sick. 

For the past couple months I've been numb, confused and so full of anxiety.

Sincerely, are you really happy… your previous post would suggest that you were not entirely happy, even prior to discovering this most recent dishonesty. 

With this most recent lie, it’s more difficult for you to dismiss the fact that he has disrespected you with his dishonesty… it’s more difficult to stay in the happy bubble of “ignorance is bliss.”

I suppose, you need to decide if all the trips and the good times when you are together are worth the deceit, loneliness, anxiety, and disrespect. 

1 hour ago, AllisonTA said:

We socialize and have traveled with his family, friends and coworkers. We go on dates, have long weekends and travel internationally. We actually travel more than they do.

I would suggest that you read about the split-self affair, because that this is called. The thing that surprises me the most here is that somehow his family and his friends are aware of his betrayal and they have kept his secret. That seems unbelievable, that others would not only be complicit in the dishonesty but actually participate in the betrayal of his marriage. To me, that would be a HUGE red flag.

If it’s been five years, you can expect things to continue as they have been unless/until you decide to end it. The above post is very true - your relationship with his dishonesty is complicity. For five years now, this has been the unspoken agreement between the two of you. His married life is not something he chooses to share with you. 

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

For the past couple months I've been numb, confused and so full of anxiety.

Because you're beginning to realise you actually mean very little to him and are second-best. 

5 hours ago, AllisonTA said:

I def don't want him to leave his wife

You def sound like you do  . 

You know he's a liar, you know he's a cheat, you know his moral compass is broken. You're in the phase of realising that you're not special to him and you're disposable. You could either end it or you could stick around even though in your heart you now know you're just a pleasant diversion from the monotony of his married life and will never be anything more. All those birthdays, Summer vacations, Christmases, and other special occasions are never going to be spent with you, and the reason for that is that, no matter what he tells you, he couldn't care less how lonely your end of the arrangement feels. You're saying that you're OK with the status quo, but it's obvious that you're not, no one wants to be second-best. Why continue doing this to yourself? What's going on with your self-esteem that you don't think you deserve better than someone else's crumbs? 

 

 

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You know he's a liar, you know he's a cheat, you know his moral compass is broken. You're in the phase of realising that you're not special to him and you're disposable. You could either end it or you could stick around even though in your heart you now know you're just a pleasant diversion from the monotony of his married life and will never be anything more. All those birthdays, Summer vacations, Christmases, and other special occasions are never going to be spent with you, and the reason for that is that, no matter what he tells you, he couldn't care less how lonely your end of the arrangement feels. You're saying that you're OK with the status quo, but it's obvious that you're not, no one wants to be second-best. Why continue doing this to yourself? What's going on with your self-esteem that you don't think you deserve better than someone else's crumbs? 

I have to agree with MsJayne.  You wouldn't be bothered about her school year ending and summer coming where they spend time together. There'd be no jealousy.  You feel jealousy because you know she comes first no matter how much time he spends with you.  That's only natural when you're in love with a man.  At some point it will end. Either he'll move on to another woman or his wife will find out and there will be a very uncomfortable Discovery Day.  Hopefully you will have ended it yourself before that happens.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would suggest that you read about the split-self affair, because that this is called.

Just reading again about this kind of affair and while certain aspects are true (in that, he has two parallel relationships going), other aspects are really not. There is not much to suggest that he is not happily married, despite what he may say or you may want to assume. He clearly choses to protect his family life by not sharing anything with you. And, after five years you would think if he was unhappily married, he would have made the decision to leave. By all accounts, he has the best of both worlds. The sad truth is - you can’t really say the same Allison. While there may be aspects of this relationship that you enjoy, one can usually only live in the affair bubble for so long my before feelings and expectations begin to take away from the joy of an affair… as they are doing for you now. That usually spells the beginning of the end - how long you chose to suffer through the demise of this relationship is for you to decide.

You came here looking for support and advice - my best advice would be don’t waste too much time in this relationship if it is making you feel anxious, lonely, jealous, and unhappy. This doesn’t get better with time. It’s hard to sit on the sidelines and watch the man you love share his life with another woman. It’s only natural to be consumed with anxiety, jealousy, sadness, and anger in this situation.

Life is too short - don’t waste your time on a man who would simply go on with his life if this relationship was to end tomorrow… 

Not what you wanted to hear, I know. 

If you intend to stay in this relationship, I would say buck-up, respect his decision to keep his marriage private and accept the fact that dishonesty is inherent in the nature of the relationship. It’s illogical to expect honesty from a man that you know to be incredibly dishonest. For your own sanity, stop trolling her social media. Enjoy the good times and find something to keep you busy while he is enjoying his family life. And be very weary of the friends and family who know about your existence - if they are willing to lie and betray his spouse and the mother of his children in this way, just imagine what they would do to his affair partner… They are not to be trusted any more than your MM. The fact that you spend time with them does not legitimize your relationship, the fact that he travels more with you than he does with his spouse  does not mean that he loves you more… for all you know, his wife can’t travel because of work obligations, or because their child is in school, or because she is caring for an elderly parent, or because they have a dog! The fact that he is carrying on like a teenager, staying over at your house and presumably spending her rightful family income to travel with his affair partner does not reflect favourably on either of you. That’s not judgment, it’s just truth.

Edited September 24 by BaileyB

[Tullyseptember]

Who does his Family think you are?  A friend?  I'm curious how you can interact with Friends and Family and this not get back to his wife!

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And be very weary of the friends and family who know about your existence - if they are willing to lie and betray his spouse and the mother of his children in this way, just imagine what they would do to his affair partner… They are not to be trusted any more than your MM. The fact that you spend time with them does not legitimize your relationship, the fact that he travels more with you than he does with his spouse  does not mean that he loves you more… for all you know, his wife can’t travel because of work obligations, or because their child is in school, or because she is caring for an elderly parent, or because they have a dog! The fact that he is carrying on like a teenager, staying over at your house and presumably spending her rightful family income to travel with his affair partner does not reflect favourably on either of you. That’s not judgment, it’s just truth.

^This, don't be fooled.  Even though his these friends of his accept your presence doesn't mean they aren't talking badly about you behind your back. You can't trust them.

[Whaatamidoing]

This really bubbled up some old emotions for me, reading through your story. It sounds to me you did what I did, in the beginning while he was purposely making time for you, it eased the pangs of jealousy, there was a feeling of levelling up, if he mentioned his wife or told you the truth BUT then booked a meal/holiday/night away with you, you felt on the same level and the the balance of affections/attention was equal.

Sadly I don't think the balance can be kept up for long, i.e if the affair goes into 2, 3 years+ it becomes more of a challenge for him to maintain. Looking back on my time, it was those times when he was unable to which then turned into couldn't be bothered to get the balance right that I slowly realised that I wasn't as 'cool' with the whole thing as I thought I was. I become more jealous and angry every day. 

The discovery of lies would probably be tolerable if you felt the time he giving you was equal to what he was giving her. I have been where you are and its being stubborn, you wrote that you really didnt want to go away with him but you did it any way. What did you get from that? other than one up on the wife for the Paris trip? 

I really understand where you are but a step back to evaluate what this whole thing really is would probably help you. I wasn't in the slightest bit competitive until my MM used to play us off against each other. Now I look back, he definitely used to tell me things about what he was doing with his wife so the I would try and impress him more, in the end it was just me being an idiot, trying too hard and not getting anything back from him at all.

I may be totally off the mark here but I can see such similarities to where I was and no doubt so many women who look at each others stories for validation. 

[smackie9]

Why not have honest communication with him...tell him he doesn't have to lie about anything. The reality is, he loves his wife and his life with his family so that's pretty clear. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less. This is an arrangement you both agreed on, and with any arrangement there should be rules put in place to avoid any confusion, or any need for deceit. Time to reevaluate, and have some clear communication to get things back on an even keel.

[S2B]

FIVE years you’ve chosen to waste on a guy who’s married and lies to both women!

think about this - you deserve SO much better! 

if he’s having an affair with you - he will lie! And he also would do it TO YOU once you end up with him. 

like I said, you deserve better. So does his wife!

[Carlston]

He didn't just start lying to you NOW lol.

He's either getting sloppy and careless or you're getting smarter. 

 

 

[Leihla_B]

On 10/25/2024 at 4:17 AM, Carlston said:

He didn't just start lying to you NOW lol.

He's either getting sloppy and careless or you're getting smarter. 

Saying so much with so little is a talent for the truth.