Ghosted After 2 Years

[RetroR]

I’m trying so hard to overcome this and feel like I’m failing. I met a guy through a dating app almost two years ago. It felt like we had a connection almost instantly. He is self employed and runs a successful business and his time is limited which I understand. We’d gone to dinner maybe 5 times over the last two years, and we’d text and many times we had plans and he either flaked, stood me up or made loose plans and then never mentioned anything about them again. Sometimes we’d go a couple days without texting, but he’d always resurface.

The other day, I told him I was losing faith that this would ever materialize in to anything more. He asked “why?” Which made me laugh. I told him I felt he didn’t have time for me and didn’t really care one way or the other if this worked out or not. I expected something back, anything. But two days later, I guess he ghosted me. To say I hurt is an understatement. I know in my heart that our situationship or whatever we had would likely never progress. But I think I got so use to him, and didn’t expect him to just ghost me. I tried texting and calling him, all which have been ignored, so I need to cut my losses and move on. I feel so down in the dumps that he can’t just tell me goodbye or anything, so I have closure. Ghosting me is going against everything he has told me over the years.  But I need to find it within me to accept it and move on. Not sure what I’m asking for by positing here, but maybe just looking for positive feedback on how to heal from this.  I keep hoping he will text me but at this point, I feel it's dead.

Thank you for reading.

[stillafool]

People are cowards these days and hate confrontations.  Sorry he hurt you but he's done you a favor.  Now you are free to find a man who will give you the attention you need and deserve.  You should block him so he can't ever reach you again.  He's sounds like a guy who already has someone.

[RetroR]

Thank you.  I wish he'd just told me rather than do this... I gave him so many chances to tell me he wasn't feeling it and it was always, "Of course I see this working out"...  He is self employed and works long hours which I understand and he totally didn't seem like the type to do this which is why I think it hurts the way it does.  I want to try calling him so badly but know it won't get me anywhere and will just make me look worse.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

I want to try calling him so badly but know it won't get me anywhere and will just make me look worse.

I agree.  He will view it as you chasing after him and you will feel bad and disappointed at his response which probably won't be good.  If he can ghost you after 2 years, I wouldn't put it past him.

[RetroR]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  He will view it as you chasing after him and you will feel bad and disappointed at his response which probably won't be good.  If he can ghost you after 2 years, I wouldn't put it past him.

I think you're right.  I just wish I knew what made him be like, "I can't ever talk to her again"  When I said I felt it wouldn't materialize, it wasn't anything new.  I'd mentioned it before and he was always there to say, "Oh, it will" or some miniscule comment that made me feel a glimmer of hope.  I don't know why he went on for this long only to have it end like this.  If he would've been honest initially, I wouldn't be feeling like crap how I am now.  And honestly, even if he replied, "do not contact me again" I'd feel better.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, RetroR said:

I think you're right.  I just wish I knew what made him be like, "I can't ever talk to her again"  When I said I felt it wouldn't materialize, it wasn't anything new.  I'd mentioned it before and he was always there to say, "Oh, it will" or some miniscule comment that made me feel a glimmer of hope.  I don't know why he went on for this long only to have it end like this.  If he would've been honest initially, I wouldn't be feeling like crap how I am now.  And honestly, even if he replied, "do not contact me again" I'd feel better.

I understand.  Normally when something like this happens with no explanation it's because a 3rd person has come into the picture.  I'm sorry.

[RetroR]

I sent him a text... I just felt I needed to say something.  "I know you likely won't respond and I'll have to respect that.  I just wanted to say how I'll miss you.  I really did like you and felt like there was potential and always hoped I'd get to see you more often.  Hearing from you was the bright spot in my day.  I'm sad it wound up this way but if that's how you want it to end, then I wish you the best"  A part of me regrets it, the other part needed to.  So that's that.  

[Leihla_B]

Unfortunately, it sounds as though the guy already has a primary relationship. You don't mention whether sex was involved, but 5 dates in 2 years isn't even 'dating,' it's propping a placeholder.

You dodged a bullet. I understand it may not feel that way right now, but you'll look back on this and thank yourself for flushing out a fraud of a guy who was never going to offer you anything of value.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, RetroR said:

We’d gone to dinner maybe 5 times over the last two years, and we’d text and many times we had plans and he either flaked, stood me up or made loose plans and then never mentioned anything about them again. Sometimes we’d go a couple days without texting, but he’d always resurface.

Given that this is your dating history with him, I'm at a loss to understand why you thought that there was potential of there being something more.  

[RetroR]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Given that this is your dating history with him, I'm at a loss to understand why you thought that there was potential of there being something more.  

I realize it sounds ridiculous. I really do. I feel like he lead me on so much and gave me a false hope for so long and because I liked him, I stupidly hung on to every word. I understood he was busy but he’s always come back around. I get mad at myself for not being the one who ghosted him instead for all the times he flaked on me or didn’t follow through. I think he told me what I wanted to hear and as naive as I was, a part of me wanted to believe it since it had gone on for so long. 

[RetroR]

7 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Unfortunately, it sounds as though the guy already has a primary relationship. You don't mention whether sex was involved, but 5 dates in 2 years isn't even 'dating,' it's propping a placeholder.

You dodged a bullet. I understand it may not feel that way right now, but you'll look back on this and thank yourself for flushing out a fraud of a guy who was never going to offer you anything of value.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

I’d wondered on more than one occasion if he had someone else. I don’t think he did though. He says he’d been single for a long time (gee, I wonder why!) and just works a lot. I truly don’t think he was the player type. I think if anything, he'd say what sounded good, not realizing that over time, I was having expectations of this turning in to something. He told me what I wanted to hear and while I was naive, I believed a lot of it. Sometimes conversations were sexual, sometimes not. I’d tell him things like how I thought he’d eventually ghost me and he said, “I’m not going to or I would have long ago”. All BS. I wish now I was the one to ghost him after the many times he flaked on me last minute when we had plans. Or when he’d go MiA for a couple days and I assumed the worst. I appreciate you listening to my ramblings. I know I’ll get over it but right now I’m just hurting. 

[stillafool]

Did you ever have sex with this guy?  BTW, telling a woman what you think they want to hear is the sign of a player.  That's what they do.  As you can see he's full of BS.  Did he reply to your text?

[RetroR]

We did once, earlier this year. I’m not sure what his deal is and I know once the smoke clears I’ll feel better bc I won’t always be wondering when and if I’ll ever see or hear from him. Things  never really added up with him. And no. I haven’t heard a word from him:(

Edited September 24 by RetroR

[stillafool]

Just let it go now and decide to move on.  Don't contact him again.  You deserve much better and once you heal from this you will meet a nice guy.  

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

And no. I haven’t heard a word from him:(

In how long? You say he's gone MIA before. How will you respond if you hear from him in a month? How about a year?

You are the one who's been wasting your own time. You could have dated a hundred men between the times you saw him. Geez, I see my distant cousins more often than you ever saw this guy, and you honestly believed that this was a relationship?

Honey, you need to get out more. Start with meetup.org and find a hobby, or use online dating to set up quick meets for coffees a couple of times a week after work. Screen out anyone who won't meet you within a week or two. Build your social life, and consider this experience the tuition you've paid for living in your own head with a fantasy. Head high.

[RetroR]

I told him on Friday how I lost hope that this will ever materialize despite what he's told me, and he asked me, "why?"  I told him.  Then I never heard a word from him again.  I tried reaching out a couple times, all of which have been ignored.  He's gone MIA for a couple days before but always had some BS excuse as to why... stupid me, usually believed him, but I was skeptical.  Everything this fool said did NOT match his actions and did not lead me to believe he'd ghost me.  I've told him before how I feel and he said "I understand" but it kept on.  I feel like a complete jackass, in hindsight.  I would've done anything for this jerk.  When he was working close by, I'd go bring him lunch or cookies or anything just to see him on the job site. Him ghosting me is not how I expected this to end and the fact he doesn't even have the decency to tell me goodbye, is what stings, after stringing me along for so long and telling me he will be more available once work dies down.

  I don't know.  I know I am the one who has been wasting my own time and that I do need to get out more.  I am a full time mom, and getting out and away is hard.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/23/2024 at 6:22 PM, RetroR said:

I gave him so many chances to tell me he wasn't feeling it

Stop doing this. Don't give chances to guys who tell you one thing but show you the opposite. It is up to you to read the writing on the wall and realize it wasn't going anywhere. Five dates in two years? Girl. This wasn't even a situationship. It was a guy who is just not interested. except maybe when he was bored or feeling hungry for attention.  Watch the actions instead of hanging on to meaningless words. 

13 hours ago, RetroR said:

after stringing me along for so long

You were stringing yourself along too, though. I am sure you knew perfectly well on some  level that he wasn't going to offer you the relationship you were after. Should he have been honest abou that? Yes. But you also should be more accountable for your own choice to hang around as long as you did when you were getting barely anything in return. Don't do that to yourself again. Don't do the "Pick Me!!" dance anymore. 

Save those cookies and share them with someone who actually appreciates you. 

[RetroR]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Stop doing this. Don't give chances to guys who tell you one thing but show you the opposite. It is up to you to read the writing on the wall and realize it wasn't going anywhere. Five dates in two years? Girl. This wasn't even a situationship. It was a guy who is just not interested. except maybe when he was bored or feeling hungry for attention.  Watch the actions instead of hanging on to meaningless words. 

You were stringing yourself along too, though. I am sure you knew perfectly well on some  level that he wasn't going to offer you the relationship you were after. Should he have been honest abou that? Yes. But you also should be more accountable for your own choice to hang around as long as you did when you were getting barely anything in return. Don't do that to yourself again. Don't do the "Pick Me!!" dance anymore. 

Save those cookies and share them with someone who actually appreciates you. 

Everything you said, I agree with, completely.  He just always told me he felt chemistry, and would text me "good morning sexy" or "good morning beautiful" pretty consistently, and we'd talk a little, and I felt like we had a connection... but of course the lack of effort on his part wasn't appealing and very discouraging.  I now kick myself HARD for tolerating it the way I did and for how long I did.  There was a time about a year and a half ago I told him how I felt and I wanted more than he was giving and he said he understood and we didn't talk for a couple months.  Then he reached out and said he missed talking to me and I replied and it started all over again.  We then went out a few days later for dinner and I thought maybe it would be different.  We'd text and sometimes he'd be slow to reply, but always did.  When it came to going out or making plans, that's where it failed.  As I said, he'd mention plans, then they'd never get mentioned again.  Or he'd text a half hour before we were supposed to meet for dinner and say he got stuck working late, but could still do something but it wouldn't be until 11pm or some BS along those lines.  But he was always there, and I guess oddly, that's what I miss.  And how after ALL THIS, he doesn't have the basic human decency to tell me he's done or to F off or anything.

[Alpacalia]

He's just very hot and cold. If a man mentions plans to see you - and doesn't nail it down - he's not actually planning to do so.  A man who likes you will actually make a PLAN.  So what it boils down to is: he gets lonely or bored, and he enjoys flirting with you when he does.  He got his kicks in and is now bored with you. And you know, you have to take some responsibility, here - for letting him burn those options into you by your terrible choices.  You should have dropped him like a dead log dead over a year ago, and certainly after he ''no called/no showed'' you, and certainly after 2 years of nearly nothing from him.  Every text, every word, you seized upon and held onto like a dog with a bone, and your lack of boundaries resulted in your mental and emotional PUNISHMENT.  Poetic Justice.  Yep.  Don't EVER let someone treat you in such a cavalier and careless way.  Learn to REALLY like yourself, so much, before you like others.  

[RetroR]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He's just very hot and cold. If a man mentions plans to see you - and doesn't nail it down - he's not actually planning to do so.  A man who likes you will actually make a PLAN.  So what it boils down to is: he gets lonely or bored, and he enjoys flirting with you when he does.  He got his kicks in and is now bored with you. And you know, you have to take some responsibility, here - for letting him burn those options into you by your terrible choices.  You should have dropped him like a dead log dead over a year ago, and certainly after he ''no called/no showed'' you, and certainly after 2 years of nearly nothing from him.  Every text, every word, you seized upon and held onto like a dog with a bone, and your lack of boundaries resulted in your mental and emotional PUNISHMENT.  Poetic Justice.  Yep.  Don't EVER let someone treat you in such a cavalier and careless way.  Learn to REALLY like yourself, so much, before you like others.  

VERY hot and cold.  My favorite was, "Do I get to see you this weekend?" and then nothing ever happened.  It sure feels crappy to think I was used and only around for his enjoyment when he felt like it.  Not sure why I felt it was genuine, but I did, and that's what makes me mad.  Usually I will NOT tolerate this crap from anyone.  How I'm feeling now is my own fault, and I will have to deal with it.  I know in time I will see him for what he truly is, and hopefully learn a hard lesson to not waste my time or keep giving someone rope only to find out later, I'm hanging my own self with it.

[Leihla_B]

37 minutes ago, RetroR said:

... It sure feels crappy to think I was used and only around for his enjoyment when he felt like it.  Not sure why I felt it was genuine, but I did, and that's what makes me mad.  Usually I will NOT tolerate this crap from anyone. 

Instead of stoking blame and inflating the importance of this, why not just minimize it down to exactly what it was? Texting. That's it. Not even a quarterly date. Everything else you chose to project onto this guy was merely a fantasy you built inside your own head. The advantage of owning that is not self-flagellation, but rather, the power to reduce this down to a blip on your radar.

Everyone needs to burst our own fantasy bubbles now and then. We've had practice with celebrity crushes or crushes on classmates or teachers or bosses that were never realistic. It's not tragic, and it doesn't make you a freak. But nobody else can put this in perspective FOR you, so you must make that decision yourself.

Quote

How I'm feeling now is my own fault, and I will have to deal with it.  I know in time I will see him for what he truly is, and hopefully learn a hard lesson to not waste my time or keep giving someone rope only to find out later, I'm hanging my own self with it.

How much time do you need to recognize what you can already see clearly right now? This guy didn't pull off some giant bamboozle, he barely raised a finger to text. We each get to decide how impactful something 'must' be, and instead of reeling from dis-illusion-ment over something that never got off the ground, you can decide, instead, that you've been prompted to take your confidence back and manage a bigger project--your social life and a care network for help in raising your child.

You can do this. Write more if it helps, but instead of ruminating and drilling a deeper hole to climb out of, consider discussing ways that you can reach out to friends, family, community, and fellow moms to lift yourself UP. That goober never stepped up to earn your trust, and he never deserved your attention in the first place. So focus productively, and you will feel so much better a lot faster. Head high.

Edited September 25 by Leihla_B

[RetroR]

8 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Instead of stoking blame and inflating the importance of this, why not just minimize it down to exactly what it was? Texting. That's it. Not even a quarterly date. Everything else you chose to project onto this guy was merely a fantasy you built inside your own head. The advantage of owning that is not self-flagellation, but rather, the power to recognize that you can reduce this down to a blip on your radar.

I know.  It was a text "relationship" full of empty words, promises and things I wanted to hear.  I think I miss knowing someone is thinking of me... as awful as it sounds.  I found him physically so attractive.  I liked that he had his ish together and didn't seem like a player.  He seemed like he had a good heart and this was the last thing I expected from him.  I have to find a way out of this and tell myself he isn't worth it and stop obsessing about the what could've beens and the what if's and how I wish I didn't say how I Was feeling because then he'd probably still be around.  Sooner or later I suppose he'd do this to me if he had it in him in the first place.  

 

 

 

[Leihla_B]

2 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I know.  It was a text "relationship" full of empty words, promises and things I wanted to hear. 

Good observation. But... then you launch into rumination about the qualities you projected onto some stranger.

He didn't own anything worthwhile to share with you. You wasted two YEARS waiting for him to step up and offer you something, but he barely lifted a finger to feed your fantasy.

YOU built that monster with hardly any help from him. You can UNbuild it, but not by dwelling on it.

It makes no sense to fault yourself for saying one 'real' thing to him. It was your first step toward reality, sister. Yes, you disrupted your ability to keep fooling yourself, and for that, you should be grateful rather than disappointed. Kiss your hands, high-five your mirror, play uplifting videos and start making plans for all the fun things you will do once you break your solitary confinement and start LIVING.

Start by contacting the human services department of your local hospital for a referral to support for single mothers. Use meetup.org for parenting groups. Review local web sites for events, clubs, churches, civic groups--anything that might spark an interest in moving one baby step forward. Make a list of goals. Break those into small steps. Start taking one or two steps a day toward socialization. Do it for your child if not for yourself.

[RetroR]

12 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Good observation. But... then you launch into rumination about the qualities you projected onto some stranger.

Exactly.  And anytime he said anything I wanted to hear, or what sounded good, it made me think, "Okay, maybe there is potential"  And he said he saw me as potential too.  Like why bother?  Anytime I'd tell him he always flakes or that I thought he was over it, he'd be like "Oh, whatever!"  Man, hindsight is a bi*c*!  He had previously told me his phone was broken one weekend and all this other crap, which I thought okay, maybe so... but then it was like weird excuse after weird excuse.  "I was in the tractor all day" or "I went 4 wheeling on the trails and didn't have reception" or, "I thought you were asleep so I didn't text you"  A part of me is waiting for a text from him with some excuse but the other part of me knows this isn't healthy and likely won't happen and I need to move on for my own sanity.  I so appreciate your positive and helpful words.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

VERY hot and cold.  My favorite was, "Do I get to see you this weekend?" and then nothing ever happened. 

Okay but that was a que not to take him seriously. I'm all for hope but 2 years is enough time to know whether a person is truly interested or not. And it wasn't for you. Harsh, but true. On such evidence, don't give it any more hope. It's pointless and you'll never win. Sorry