Ghosted After 2 Years

[Leihla_B]

54 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

21 hours ago, RetroR said:

Blocking him doesn't really seem like it'll do anything for me anyway.

1.  It puts you in control of the situation, which is something you need to do.

2. It lets you start the healing process - also something you need to do -- by eliminating the need to keep checking your phone, hoping against hope, that he has reached out. 

Yes, blocking is a strong message to yourself that you can 'see' clearly now, and you're making a definitive decision to move FORward and close that chapter in your life.

It's the opposite of whining and complaining about the guy while holding a secret hope that he'll suddenly step up to come through for you. It's been 2 YEARS. He's not going to leave his wife or his real GF for you. Let go of the fantasy and rehabilitate your mind. You are worth it.

[RetroR]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, sort of. 

The woman in question is over 50. Not a girl by any stretch, but a mature woman with life experience under her belt. She should indeed know better than to hang around for a man who offers only scraps. He has his role in this, absolutely. But it's on her (and you) for not demanding better and dropping someone who is barely interested. 

It's not a very realistic assumption, either. He has had a grand total of 5 dates with you in two years.  I would bet the farm that he has gone out with and had sex with other women in that time.  He doesn't have to have women "lined up" to have explored other options. I think that in fact you should operate under the assumption that you are not the only woman in his orbit. That will help you let go. Never make someone a priority when to them you're only an option. 

To keep you on the back-burner and fluff up his ego. 

What you said doesn't sound too off base, that's for sure.  Maybe he has seen other women, maybe he hasn't.  Maybe he has had sex with others, and maybe not.  Who knows.  I just know my heart hurts and I'm trying to move past this experience.  I have given so much thought to last Friday and how it all went down and the last thing I said to him before he ghosted me, and had I known it at the time, of course I never would've even "gone there" with him.  It started with him asking me if I had any hot dates lately, which I thought was an oddball question.  It hurt my feelings since it was coming from the guy I had had so much hope for the last almost 2 years.  This is when I said, "I guess I should give up any hope of this working out."  Which is when he asked "Why?" and that's when I told him, and received the sound of silence after.  

[Alpacalia]

The thing is, when you were semi-dating, he flaked, stood you up and made loose plans. Flakes, standing people up, and not acknowledging previously made plans *is* ghosting.

Technically, you were already ghosted before, but you gave him another chance. He disappoints you again. You call him out on it and what do you get? For all intents and purposes, he already gave you closure. You felt singled out, used, and inadequate. I understand the special kind of disappointment that comes with things like these. You want to say "I gave you a pass once, you were given an opportunity, I deserved the chance to explain or the last word", but he didn't want to hear it. I'm sorry. 

I do think you need to block him just on account of how ghostly he already was. You need to sever ties because a) you don't know who else he is with or talking to and b) he's not going to turn a new leaf. He's who he is and he hasn't made you one ounce happier in two whole years when my guess is there are 3.5 million potentially amazing guys in 300 mile vicinity you could be with than him. Again, I'm sorry.

[RetroR]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The thing is, when you were semi-dating, he flaked, stood you up and made loose plans. Flakes, standing people up, and not acknowledging previously made plans *is* ghosting.

Technically, you were already ghosted before, but you gave him another chance. He disappoints you again. You call him out on it and what do you get? For all intents and purposes, he already gave you closure. You felt singled out, used, and inadequate. I understand the special kind of disappointment that comes with things like these. You want to say "I gave you a pass once, you were given an opportunity, I deserved the chance to explain or the last word", but he didn't want to hear it. I'm sorry. 

I do think you need to block him just on account of how ghostly he already was. You need to sever ties because a) you don't know who else he is with or talking to and b) he's not going to turn a new leaf. He's who he is and he hasn't made you one ounce happier in two whole years when my guess is there are 3.5 million potentially amazing guys in 300 mile vicinity you could be with than him. Again, I'm sorry.

I know his actions definitely were ghostly, and I was always in limbo with him, and on edge.  Which to me, isn't how I want a relationship.  Somehow, I'd always think he redeemed himself when he'd message a "Good morning, sexy" or "Do I get to see you this weekend?" or some other sexually fueled thoughts he supposedly had about me.  In the past, when I told him I wanted more from him and didn't see this going anywhere, I got an "I understand" at least.  Then we didn't speak for a couple months and he came back around and I wish I didn't even give him a second thought back then or I wouldn't be in the scenario I am in now.  

I do know from personal experience, the guys I've encountered in the local vicinity have been far less than amazing, but maybe someone is out there and they'll appear when I least expect it

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I know his actions definitely were ghostly, and I was always in limbo with him, and on edge.  Which to me, isn't how I want a relationship.  Somehow, I'd always think he redeemed himself when he'd message a "Good morning, sexy" or "Do I get to see you this weekend?" or some other sexually fueled thoughts he supposedly had about me.  In the past, when I told him I wanted more from him and didn't see this going anywhere, I got an "I understand" at least.  Then we didn't speak for a couple months and he came back around and I wish I didn't even give him a second thought back then or I wouldn't be in the scenario I am in now.  

I do know from personal experience, the guys I've encountered in the local vicinity have been far less than amazing, but maybe someone is out there and they'll appear when I least expect it

Good morning sexy, ugh, so cringey lol. 

That would be an automatic turn off but I can see how that would keep you on the hook. 3.5 million was exaggeration aside, but I refuse to believe there are not plenty of options out there if you put in the effort and take the initiative. Unfortunately these are the kind of people who only put in the effort when they feel the need, and usually just a sheep in wolf's clothing.

[RetroR]

That's why I hate myself! lol Usually "good morning sexy" would make me wanna puke... but there was something about him.  I'll never know what, but I felt something.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, RetroR said:

That's why I hate myself! lol Usually "good morning sexy" would make me wanna puke... but there was something about him.  I'll never know what, but I felt something.

 

 

Don't hate yourself. He fulfilled a certain need for you at the time️. Whether it was platonic or sexual, many people have a base need for attention/affection/intimacy/feelings of confidence.

It's okay to acknowledge that he made you feel good in some ways, but also recognize that he was not a good partner for you. He may have provided short term satisfaction, but in the long run, he wasn't fulfilling your needs or treating you with the respect you deserve. That short term satisfaction is what seems to keep people like that on the hook for so long. They give you just enough to keep you wanting more, and then when you try to express your feelings or bring up legitimate concerns, they show their true colors. It can be incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking, but ultimately, it's for the best that he is out of your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, RetroR said:

It hurt my feelings since it was coming from the guy I had had so much hope for the last almost 2 years. 

I have to ask yo,  what exactly was so great about this guy? 

He sent some frilly-sounding texts.  And? 

[RetroR]

lol My friend asked me the same thing.  She told me I'm making him out to be a God, when he really wasn't.

I think I was attracted to him b/c aside from being handsome, he had his life together, a good career, said he wanted a family, at one point complimented me on how he liked how I was close with my family and work ethic, and seemed like we were on the same page in that regard.  He also didn't seem like a player and I trusted that.  Now I don't believe anything he said.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, RetroR said:

He also didn't seem like a player and I trusted that.

Just a side note. Real players always say they want a family and praise women for having traditional values. They always look very dependable and serious and have “deep feelings” and utter mellifluous words. They are hiding behind a mask to lure in naive women who think a guy is “good” because he talks big.

That’s what players do. They work hard to look like they aren’t players. That’s the very definition of a player. Otherwise they wouldn’t be players, they’d just be honest men who like casual sex and aren’t ready for a long-term relationship yet.

I’m not saying that guy is necessarily a player or that every guy who seems solid and says the right things is a player. But as a general rule, try to pay more attention to what men do, not to what they say.

[Alpacalia]

49 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m not saying that guy is necessarily a player or that every guy who seems solid and says the right things is a player. But as a general rule, try to pay more attention to what men do, not to what they say.

I was thinking that. He had player vibe all the way through. The "good morning sexy" texts, the flaking, standing you up, ghosting you the minute you mention your feelings... I mean, these are all red flags. One of the reasons you developed feelings was because he made you think he was open to a relationship. He would flake/stand you up and then come back and pretend it never happened. And I'm willing to bet he'd throw in a charm offensive to keep you hooked. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, RetroR said:

He also didn't seem like a player

I am wondering what your definition of a player is, because that's actually all I can see when you describe his interactions with you. He knew exactly what to do and say to keep you hooked. 

 

 

[RetroR]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I was thinking that. He had player vibe all the way through. The "good morning sexy" texts, the flaking, standing you up, ghosting you the minute you mention your feelings... I mean, these are all red flags. One of the reasons you developed feelings was because he made you think he was open to a relationship. He would flake/stand you up and then come back and pretend it never happened. And I'm willing to bet he'd throw in a charm offensive to keep you hooked. 

Oh yes... definitely red flags all around.  My sister always told me something was off with him, and I saw it, but when I'd ask about his "wife or girlfriend" he'd say "Oh cmon, I don't have either... I told you, you can call me any time"  He'd text me and then go cold and maybe I'd hear from him later and maybe I wouldn't.  That part I hated.  I truly don't think he was the player type as much as it sounds like it on paper.  I know his business was demanding and he was all over with that and worked long hours (which I can confirm first hand).  I just think he decided that I was too much and didn't like me questioning his feelings, even though I feel like anyone would have after all this time of back and forth and flaking and the hot and cold game.  Whatever it is, it stings and I'm still thinking about it, one week later.  I know it'll lessen (and it has) but it's still bothering me.

[RetroR]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am wondering what your definition of a player is, because that's actually all I can see when you describe his interactions with you. He knew exactly what to do and say to keep you hooked. 

 

 

As I said, I understand how he comes across as a player.  On paper he looks like it and I'm not being all naive by saying this, but I truly don't think that was his story.  I think I wanted more than he did and when I questioned him, he decided it wasn't for him.  That's all I can conclude.  It's sad, and I'm still upset by it one week later, but I feel it has lessened to some degree.  I'm not crying like I was a few days ago, but it's hard because while he'd play the hot and cold game, he'd still come around, which I miss for some reason.

[Leihla_B]

16 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I just think he decided that I was too much and didn't like me questioning his feelings, even though I feel like anyone would have after all this time of back and forth and flaking and the hot and cold game. 

Uhm....no. Anyone wouldn't stick around long enough to put up with any of that crap in the first place.

I think you're confusing real players with the douchebags who like to come off as players. Real players won't let you find out that they are players. They have enough women around them to risk losing one or two here and there. So they'll 'punish' any attempt to learn where they stand by cutting you off. If you accept them back and pretend along with them that nothing happened, you've confirmed that you're too hooked and grateful to respect yourself, and they have free reign to mistreat you even more.

There's a part of you waiting for his contact again. He knows you'll lap that up and have learned your lesson to never question him again. This is evident in your repeated statements that you regret raising your question. The tiny part of you that sees clearly is still overrun by your desire to keep feeding on his breadcrumbs. That's why you won't block him.

[RetroR]

1 minute ago, Leihla_B said:

Uhm....no. Anyone wouldn't stick around long enough to put up with any of that crap in the first place.

I think you're confusing real players with the douchebags who like to come off as players. Real players won't let you find out that they are players. They have enough women around them to risk losing one or two here and there. So they'll 'punish' any attempt to learn where they stand by cutting you off. If you accept them back and pretend along with them that nothing happened, you've confirmed that you're too hooked and grateful to respect yourself, and they have free reign to mistreat you even more.

There's a part of you waiting for his contact again. He knows you'll lap that up and have learned your lesson to never question him again. This is evident in your repeated statements that you regret raising your question. The tiny part of you that sees clearly is still overrun by your desire to keep feeding on his breadcrumbs. That's why you won't block him.

I think about this.  Earlier this week, I would've died to hear from him again, stupidly.  Now that the dust has settled and I am seeing it more clearly, I'm thinking anything he says wouldn't be good enough to justify treating me how he's treated me.  His behavior has been disrespectful and rude.  A part of me wonders if he will come back around with an, "I miss talking to you" text like he did before and the other part thinks he won't because he closed the door this time.  Either way, unless something catastrophic happened in his life, I can't see me running back for another round.  It hurts too much and I know I deserve a HELL of a lot more respect than this.

[Leihla_B]

15 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I think about this.  Earlier this week, I would've died to hear from him again, stupidly.  Now that the dust has settled and I am seeing it more clearly, I'm thinking anything he says wouldn't be good enough to justify treating me how he's treated me.  His behavior has been disrespectful and rude.  A part of me wonders if he will come back around with an, "I miss talking to you" text like he did before and the other part thinks he won't because he closed the door this time.  Either way, unless something catastrophic happened in his life, I can't see me running back for another round.  It hurts too much and I know I deserve a HELL of a lot more respect than this.

Okay, then why not block him?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

Oh yes... definitely red flags all around.  My sister always told me something was off with him, and I saw it, but when I'd ask about his "wife or girlfriend" he'd say "Oh cmon, I don't have either... I told you, you can call me any time"  He'd text me and then go cold and maybe I'd hear from him later and maybe I wouldn't.  That part I hated.  I truly don't think he was the player type as much as it sounds like it on paper.  I know his business was demanding and he was all over with that and worked long hours (which I can confirm first hand).  I just think he decided that I was too much and didn't like me questioning his feelings, even though I feel like anyone would have after all this time of back and forth and flaking and the hot and cold game.  Whatever it is, it stings and I'm still thinking about it, one week later.  I know it'll lessen (and it has) but it's still bothering me.

I ended things with someone that I went on 4 dates with within a month. It had been three weeks since we last saw each other (granted, I was ill) but he hadn’t asked me out on another date yet. I became impatient and decided to take action.

I basically sent him a dear john note, and that was the last I heard from him. I wanted him so badly to make a move so that I could somehow justify my strong feelings for him. He later added me to a SM account. Then I deleted him. It didn't matter if he reached out because I would not have responded. I never got closure.

Sometimes that's the part that keeps us a bit stuck so that we can't move on.

I know you want closure but unlike his promises, he’s not a man of his words.

It sounds like his actions were never in alignment with his words, and now you have a chance to do better with someone who will have both aligned.

That sting is the ending of a habit, nothing more.  Your desires don't create men like him as if they won't tell you or show you in other ways, that they are interested.  

You manifested a mirage...

He was in your orbit to have lessons with.

You wanting it to have turned into more, wanting your feelings to be validated (he wanted this on purpose, but also workload demands which he took advantage of, and he was the expert at it, sadly,  on his part, he knew how your emotions would play out).

... wanting him to care, to choose you differently than what he was doing.  But his character issue doesn't just disappear.  You know you shouldn't accept breadcrumbs but there are more sneaky crumbs that you need to learn to protect yourself against.

The unfinished and lack of a goodbye that echoes in that void, you'll somehow have to navigate that and use one option below:

Don't wait for it - create your own closure.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, RetroR said:

On paper he looks like it and I'm not being all naive by saying this, but I truly don't think that was his story. 

Retro, he was doing it to you. 

That's what you don't seem to realize here. It's you he was playing, what with these cringey texts and flakiness and dropping in and out whenever he felt like it. That's not a man who's just busy with work. That's a dude with other options he's entertaining while keeping you at his disposal when it suited him. 

 

[RetroR]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Retro, he was doing it to you. 

That's what you don't seem to realize here. It's you he was playing, what with these cringey texts and flakiness and dropping in and out whenever he felt like it. That's not a man who's just busy with work. That's a dude with other options he's entertaining while keeping you at his disposal when it suited him. 

 

Well call me naive then 😁

[RetroR]

18 minutes ago, RetroR said:

Well call me naive then 😁

I'm sitting here thinking of every excuse he fed me the last couple of years.  From he fell asleep, went to bed early, didn't text because he thought I'd be asleep, he worked late, was out 4 wheeling on trails and got home late, no cell service, conference calls, his phone died and he didn't have a charger, his phone died and he needed a new one, had to go help his aunt with something, grandma died, had to go help uncle with his home project, his aunt had to borrow his truck b/c she was picking up a mattress, the list goes on.  It's humorous.  I understand life happens and things come up now and again.  But this was ridiculous.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I am exhausted just reading that list. 

A man who wants to be with and wants to call you you wouldn't ever need a laundry list of excuses like that to feed you. I am quite astonished you have continued talking to this guy after all this time, let alone wanted to date him. 

I wouldn't be able to stand him. 

[RetroR]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I am exhausted just reading that list. 

A man who wants to be with and wants to call you you wouldn't ever need a laundry list of excuses like that to feed you. I am quite astonished you have continued talking to this guy after all this time, let alone wanted to date him. 

I wouldn't be able to stand him. 

I am now feeling differently about him, finally.  Normally I would give up... but there was something about him that kept me hooked and I hate it.  If he wanted to be with me, he could've found an hour every now and again to go get dinner or whatever it may be.

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, RetroR said:

I am now feeling differently about him, finally.  Normally I would give up... but there was something about him that kept me hooked and I hate it.  If he wanted to be with me, he could've found an hour every now and again to go get dinner or whatever it may be.

Of course, he could have, and that's the whole point. Two YEARS of this, and your BS meter never stepped up to move you out of your own way?

Missing calls is one thing, but why was it okay with you that he never bothered to date you? How many hours of travel away did this guy live?

[RetroR]

6 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Of course, he could have, and that's the whole point. Two YEARS of this, and your BS meter never stepped up to move you out of your own way?

Missing calls is one thing, but why was it okay with you that he never bothered to date you? How many hours of travel away did this guy live?

He lived about an hour away, give or take, but worked in the area often.  Which is when I'd go see him sometimes and say hi and bring him something to eat.  There were many times where he said he'd come by after work if I was around and then I never heard from him again that night.  Just two weeks ago, I hadn't heard from him all day.  I text him a couple times and nothing.  I called him, nothing.  He called me back a few minutes later and said he was on the tractor all day but not ignoring me.  We talked for a bit and he asked if I'd be around a little later and he'd call me back.  I said I'd be free in about an hour or so.  Never heard from him.  Never heard all night, or all weekend.  I text him Monday and was like, "Are you alive?" and that was another instance of when he gave me the whole, "I'm alive, I was out on the trail with my uncle in his Jeep yesterday.  We got home late"  I didn't reply, but thought okay, thanks for never calling me back in an hour like you said and for going ghost on Saturday too, and then Sunday.  I know this was a long time coming and I'm just as stupid for holding on to a glimmer of hope.