LauraG01 Posted September 23 Share Posted September 23 Hello everyone, So this is my first time posting and I'm truly confused right now. I just found out that my daughter had sex with a family friend who lives one street over from us. She tells me that she is "in love" with him and that he is her boyfriend. The problem is that this boy just turned 18 and just began his first year of college, which I think is too old for her. (She is 14 and just started her first year of high school). I explained to her that he is simply too old for her and she needs to quit seeing him anymore. I also spoke to the boy and explained the same thing to him. I even threatened to tell his parents if it continues. Well, after a short time I noticed them still hanging out together behind my back, and even caught them making out. I told them I was serious and it was 3 strikes and you're out and if I catch them again I would get his parents involved. So far, so good, but I think they still might be meeting in secret, although I haven't caught them yet. I told her she was not allowed to have ANY contact with him anymore since she had lied to me once already. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing and would like some opinions on this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 This guy is putting himself at risk of being charged as a sex offender - something which will have lifelong consequences. You should have told his parents already! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 I would have gone straight to the boy's parents!!! And threaten to call the police!! I would have scrared that little punk out of his pants! I had 2 daughters and l didn't care to be known as the mother from hell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
riversidemf Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 That might push her closer to him. Call the police, get him off the streets, protect the next young girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 No three strikes. Your daughter had a right to grow up with her virginity in tact until she was old enough to make grown-up decisions. I had a friend who was in this exact scenario, except the guy was 19, and she chose not to inform the guy's parents. To me this was tantamount to condoning her daughter being sexually active while she was still a child, turning a blind eye to a creepy predator who was molesting young girls because girls his own age rejected him. In your shoes I'd be 'round at his parents house informing them that their son needs to stop sexually interfering with children or police will be involved. Children need boundaries enforced, particularly as they go through the child-to-adult phase, to protect them from making stupid decisions. Your daughter may be angry at you for a while, but that can be the price for being an effective parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 24 Author Share Posted September 24 Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 4 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. Talk to his parents. Having sex is not part of a 14 year old child's life. Your daughter does not know what she's doing. She thinks it's cool because she sees this through the eyes of an 18 year old guy she's infatuated with. When she grows up she will understand/realize she was *sexually used* and it will affect her self esteem greatly. 18 year old are adults. This young man is an adult. He needs to be explained by his parents that now his actions have consequences and having sex with a minor of 4 years younger could lead to him to have a criminal record that would follow him all his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 24 Author Share Posted September 24 Gaeta, I understand that 18 is legally an "adult" but 18 years old is NOT a grown man. They are a teenager too and I don't think it's the same situation as some 25 year old wanting sex with a child, but I do understand that he is too old to be dating her. I mean, what if the tables were turned and we were talking about an 18 yr old girl and a younger boy. Would you still think it's appropriate to get the police involved? I'm not letting him get away with anything. I told him it was inappropriate and threatened to tell his parents, which would end badly for him. My daughter was not raped, she told me she consented to it and she has liked him for a long time now and was always flirty with him. I know legally it would be considered statutory rape, but imho this situation doesn't seem bad enough to press charges. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 3 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: I mean, what if the tables were turned and we were talking about an 18 yr old girl and a younger boy. Would you still think it's appropriate to get the police involved? Hell yes! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 (edited) 1 hour ago, LauraG01 said: My daughter was not raped, she told me she consented She does not even have the consenting age. Do you know the consenting age where you live? At her age she does not even fully understand the consequences of what she's doing. You seem more worried about him than the consequences on her. Studies show that girls that have sex too early, which is under 16, will develop mental health problems like depression and anxiety. I don't care if the boy is 14 and the girl 18. Absolutely no difference at all. You can't undo what is done but you should put your daughter first, not him. For all you know this boy is probably having sex with other 14 yo or even younger girls and by not talking about it to anyone, like his parents, then he's free to continue using young girls. Edited September 25 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 5 hours ago, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. I get that, you don't want to humiliate her and make it worse. But his folks do need to be told, four years age difference might seem nothing to an immature young guy and he may have genuine feelings for your daughter, but he needs to learn about boundaries and women's rights because I doubt very much that it was your daughter who pressured for sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 You need stronger boundaries, Mom. Your daughter doesn't take you seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 25 Author Share Posted September 25 Thank to everyone for their honest feedback. I guess I really do need to tell his parents now to ensure it won't happen again. I know them fairly well and I'm sure they'll take care of it. I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 6 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: Thank to everyone for their honest feedback. I guess I really do need to tell his parents now to ensure it won't happen again. I know them fairly well and I'm sure they'll take care of it. I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. Where I live, there is no crime of two kids around 14-15 having sex together because they are peers. The problem is when an 18yo is with a much younger person. Do you understand the creep factor? The equation is 'half your age, plus 7' This situation fails the test Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 1 hour ago, LauraG01 said: This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. With all due respect no, it's not the same. The power balance between two 15 year old is not the same as between a 14 yo and 18 yo. There is a reason why there are laws managing this. *it happens all the time* should not be what you base your reasonning on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 13 hours ago, LauraG01 said: This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. I'm frankly quite astonished at your mindset on this. You seem remarkably unbothered that your very young daughter is already sexuallly active. You also seem to defer to this young lady's reasoning rather than your own better judgment as an adult. Does the tail usually wag the dog like this between you and her? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 On 9/25/2024 at 6:46 PM, LauraG01 said: I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. It's really strange the way you are minimizing this and playing it off like it's no big deal. Without strong boundaries teaching her right from wrong she is likely to end up another teen pregnancy statistic. Be a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 On 9/24/2024 at 6:48 PM, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. What about your daughter's life being ruined if she gets pregnant at age 14? Is your daughter at least educated about birth control? At this point she's already sexually active and there's probably no going back from that. It's essential that she have access to birth control and be educated about what safe sex is. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 (edited) One of my coworkers raised three boys. One day at lunch, she told the story of her oldest son who asked to study with his friend who was a girl. She said yes but only if they keep the door to the room open. He said - “what do you think is going to happen mom? Do you think we are going to make a baby.” She did everything “right.” She is an amazing parent, they educated their kids about sex and had open and honest conversations… He became a parent at the age of 15. He raised that child, with the child’s mother and the support of his parents. It changed the course of his life… It demonstrated to me that it can happen to anyone. This young man was well parented, and it still happened. I would tell his parents Immediately. And then, I would be setting some pretty strict boundaries for your daughter. Another friend recently experienced something similar with her daughter. They removed the door to her room because she was lying to them and secretly communicating with the boy. My friend took her phone - she was only allowed to use her phone in the presence of her parents and they monitored the communications on her phone. They got very serious, very quickly. I would encourage you to do the same. Edited October 12 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 (edited) On 9/25/2024 at 5:46 PM, LauraG01 said: I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. This is exactly why you should not trust your daughter - she is not demonstrating good judgment. It’s not fine. Are you aware that the prefrontal cortex which allows adolescents to make decisions and demonstrate impulse control does not fully develop until a young adult is 25 years of age? At fourteen, her brain is not even close to fully developed. She does not have the maturity or the life experience to predict the consequences of her decisions. You do - that’s why it’s your job to guide her and keep her safe - even if that is from herself. On 9/25/2024 at 5:46 PM, LauraG01 said: This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. Not many of my friends were having sex at 14-15 years of age. Let’s not try to normalize something that is actually illegal. It doesn’t matter that she was “attracted to him.” They are teenagers - they are walking hormones at this age. Of course they are attracted to each other - that’s a no brainer. You don’t have to have a degree in child development to know that they are basically all hormones with a developing brain and no life experience. Are you trying to be her friend or her parent? Because - I’m sure that she has friends. What she needs is a parent. Edited October 12 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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