Increasingly selfish behaviour

[joto]

I've been with my partner 4 years and I'm starting to see patterns of behaviour that are making me very uncomfortable. He's quite selfish but in a subtle way in that he will bend over backwards for other people but my needs are ignored and dismissed then when I respond angrily, I'm the guilty party.  The latest example is around work and this is quite frequent. He's a retired police officer and when we met, worked doing delivery driving. I work full time in a school.  He decided he wanted to reduce his days when we moved in together to two a week and found a job working Tues and Thurs for a first aid company in general maintenance.  Slowly he has done his first aid training and helps with patient transport when needed. I was supportive of this but started noticing he was doing more shifts but equally complaining he wasn't getting time to do things round the house or his own hobbies.  When I mentioned this I got an excuse and almost blaming me for organising things for us to do, him having to think about our dog when he takes extra shifts ( we have a dog walker Tues and thurs), him having yo do things like be in for gas servicing etc. 

4 weeks ago I arranged for our landlord to come a survey a fence that needs replacing, for a Monday AM appointment which is 8am to 12 noon arrival. Spoke to partner, put it on the calendar, he added it to his phone. Last night he rang me to say he was on his way home from work. I was mid food so not full of chat. On arrival he asked me what had been wrong on the phone (absolutely nothing I was eating but this is relevant later). He then proceeded to tell me he was going to work on Monday on an 1145 shift which means leaving at 1115. I'm afraid I saw red because I am so sick of his martyr like attitude of 'I have to help them out' but also I knew where this would end. Immediately I started voicing my thoughts, he said I could tell you were in a bad mood on the phone, (I wasn't) and they will just have to come early (as they won't have any other visits to do). My error here was allowing this to make me very angry but its like a flip is switched and not helped by the fact I've had a bad back following an operation last week so am in a bit of pain and off work. He then begins to throw in I try and control his life and he is sick of it which has again been something I hear a lot. I don't. I've spent much of this year home alone when he's either been working or on his bike weekends and fully support it until it is raised this way. Then I am told if I had more friends ( I do) I would feel better.  I've arranged things for us to do as a couple then I am told I spend too much money. Its as if everything I mention he does, with examples, is completely refuted and then swiveled back on to me. I know I'm guilty of getting angry and say things that are unfair but I am tired of not being heard. He even said this morning if you speak to anyone they will tell you how unselfish I am. Thisn is having a huge impact on what was a very fun, happy shared relationship and unfortunately I am just seeing a selfish man who constantly excuses his own behaviour and inability to manage his own time. I have some responsibility in my reaction but he will take no responsibility for his part. 

Any thoughts welcomed!

[Gaeta]

I read your story 2-3 times and you won't like what I have to say. You need to get off of his back. A lot of your words are love-killing. Seems like you get angry all the time + you give your unwanted opinion on his issues. 

So he took a new job and he complains he has less time, why do you need to debate him on that? He's thinking out loud, don't get involved, just listen. Men don't want solutions from us, or being reprimanded like a kid, they just want to vent. You get accused of being controlling not because you don't let him roam around but because you nag. Let him complain, listen with your mouth close, he will find his own solutions.

And this whole thing about being short with him because you were eating...like c'mon! What happened to sorry honey I'm eating or sorry honey my mouth is full? You can't expect courtesy when you don't offer it yourself. 

You absolutely need to take your tone down a notch. You cannot change people but, if you change your attitude he will have no need of being on the defensive with you all the time. 

[Gebidozo]

OP, sorry, but if my partner kept criticizing my choice of working hours in an angry tone, I’d also find it controlling and off-putting.

You’re hurting his ego when you constantly reprimand him, and that forces him to be defensive and pushes him away.

Be gentle and affectionate with him, and you’ll get him to do more for you.

[basil67]

My suggestion is marriage counselling.  With a view to finding balance in meeting each other's needs and improving communication methods

[Leihla_B]

I'd make this about managing myself, not him. My own behaviors are the only things I can control. I'd start with my anger and my tone, and I'd also stop 'organizing' any of HIS time. Leave that up to him, and expect that he may not wish to include you for a while.

You raise spending a lot of time alone, so arrange for things like fence repairs or other tasks on your own time. Organize things for YOU to do, not him. You can later invite him out if he'd like to join you, but be prepared for that to be a 'no' for a while.

Give him back his autonomy and control over his own life. Then, if he complains about anything, you won't feel defensive, and you can be a sympathetic ear instead of a critical one. Ask him if there's anything you can do to help. Be a model of the tone and respect you hope to see from him someday. Either his happiness will improve over time, and he'll be more open to hearing some requests from you rather than 'assignments', OR, he's a guy who won't be happy no matter how much autonomy he has, in which case, you'll need to decide whether the two of you will ever be a compatible team again.