What's the next step for pursuing a semi LDR?

[max3732]

Met this woman on a dating app when I was driving through her area, which is about 4.5 hours away from me. We started talking on the app and she said she comes to my area for work every few months.

When she came down we met up for dinner and it seemed to go pretty well. She was very talkative to the point that the restaurant closed and was so into the conversation I had to remind her to order and they came by to tell us they were closing the restaurant. We went for a walk after that for a while and I had to tell her I needed to head out as she wanted to continue walking after another hour. 

Only problem was at the end of the date I tried to kiss her and got her cheek.

After that I asked for her number and we've been in touch since she's been back home. I didn't text her for 1 day and she sent me a follow up text, so it seems like she's interested, but on the other hand I don't understand why she wouldn't kiss me.

What I'm confused about it aside from texting each other about our days or whatever how do I move things forward since we're both interested in marriage as the ultimate goal? She said the next time she's going to be in my area is in January, so that's a ways off. I'm hoping she's romantically interested, don't know what to do now

[Alpacalia]

Hey Max! Not every woman likes to kiss on the first date, or at least not on a first date with someone they just met. She may want to get to know you a bit more before taking that step. Realistically, you're probably looking at a long-distance situation given the distance between the two of you.

Your best bet may be to continue getting to know her through texting and phone calls until she is back in your area in January. If things seem to be going well, you could make plans to see each other again.

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Hey Max! Not every woman likes to kiss on the first date, or at least not on a first date with someone they just met. She may want to get to know you a bit more before taking that step. Realistically, you're probably looking at a long-distance situation given the distance between the two of you.

I second the above.

Quote

Your best bet may be to continue getting to know her through texting and phone calls until she is back in your area in January. If things seem to be going well, you could make plans to see each other again.

This depends on how feasibly you'd be able to close the distance should things ever get serious. Also, consider how satisfying you'd find this LDR. Given that she visited your area for the last date, how willing are you to visit her area before her return in January?

If reciprocal visits would not be possible for you to maintain, then consider how feasible and satisfying this relationship can really become. Also, if your expectations for physical affection or sex are too premature for her, then even if you invest in the expenses and efforts to visit one another, you'll need to decide how long you'd be willing to keep thing platonic while you actually get to know one another in person.

In general, LDR's don't pan out well without some degree of bonding before the distance occurs AND there's an imminent plan to close the distance. Otherwise, it's just a fantasy pen-pal thing. If you opt to engage that, hopefully you won't shut down more local options by continuing to date women closer to you. It makes no sense to put your life on hold for a relationship that consists of only messaging between rare visits. That's fantasy-building, and it usually turns out to be a waste of time.

[Gaeta]

First question: which one of you would uproot themselves to eliminate the distance?

Personally l would not text and call for 4 months. Really getting to know someone happens when we spend time together.

If you want to pursue this then next move would be to meet in the middle to spend a day together.  A 2 hour drive is reaonable. Organize that for this weekend.

Eventually you'd drive there for a weekend and you have to plan staying in a hotel until she knows you enough to invite you to stay over.

 If 2nd date is a great day for both of you then agree to only date each other because it would be crazy to invest time, gas, hotel on someone that dates around.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

I don't understand why she wouldn't kiss me.

Max, you're not owed a kiss!   As for the reason, she didn't kiss you because either she didn't (yet) feel chemistry or it was too early for her.  

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

What I'm confused about it aside from texting each other about our days or whatever how do I move things forward since we're both interested in marriage as the ultimate goal? She said the next time she's going to be in my area is in January, so that's a ways off. I'm hoping she's romantically interested, don't know what to do now

Whoa slow down!  You're way ahead of yourself and you'll scare off any sensible woman with this desperation.  Get to know her before you even think about moving forward.   

[max3732]

23 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Hey Max! Not every woman likes to kiss on the first date, or at least not on a first date with someone they just met. She may want to get to know you a bit more before taking that step. Realistically, you're probably looking at a long-distance situation given the distance between the two of you.

Your best bet may be to continue getting to know her through texting and phone calls until she is back in your area in January. If things seem to be going well, you could make plans to see each other again.

That's my thought as well. There are places we could meet all along the way. 

20 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I second the above.

This depends on how feasibly you'd be able to close the distance should things ever get serious. Also, consider how satisfying you'd find this LDR. Given that she visited your area for the last date, how willing are you to visit her area before her return in January?

If reciprocal visits would not be possible for you to maintain, then consider how feasible and satisfying this relationship can really become. Also, if your expectations for physical affection or sex are too premature for her, then even if you invest in the expenses and efforts to visit one another, you'll need to decide how long you'd be willing to keep thing platonic while you actually get to know one another in person.

In general, LDR's don't pan out well without some degree of bonding before the distance occurs AND there's an imminent plan to close the distance. Otherwise, it's just a fantasy pen-pal thing. If you opt to engage that, hopefully you won't shut down more local options by continuing to date women closer to you. It makes no sense to put your life on hold for a relationship that consists of only messaging between rare visits. That's fantasy-building, and it usually turns out to be a waste of time.

I've never attempted a LDR and had very few relationships in general in my life, so logistically I don't know how to close the distance. I wouldn't mind driving up there for a weekend, but it would obviously be too far to drive to meet her for lunch for an hour and then drive back. She had to visit my area for work and I may have to be in her area again for work at some point so maybe we could meet up then, but it's not like I'm going up there every other week. From the pictures I knew I found her attractive, but in person she seemed even more attractive and I do have needs for physical affection in a relationship. I've been struggling with how to progress with that my whole life. 

If she's only someone I'd see every few months even if we're in contact I'd feel even greater needs than someone I could potentially see a few times a week.

Seems like we're bonding with the texting and hopefully video calls. I definitely am continuing to use the dating apps and talk with women closer to me and will continue to do so unless we have a talk about being exclusive.

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

First question: which one of you would uproot themselves to eliminate the distance?

Personally l would not text and call for 4 months. Really getting to know someone happens when we spend time together.

If you want to pursue this then next move would be to meet in the middle to spend a day together.  A 2 hour drive is reaonable. Organize that for this weekend.

Eventually you'd drive there for a weekend and you have to plan staying in a hotel until she knows you enough to invite you to stay over.

 If 2nd date is a great day for both of you then agree to only date each other because it would be crazy to invest time, gas, hotel on someone that dates around.

That's a great first question. When should we discuss it? I wouldn't want to uproot myself full time, but could spend a short amount of time in her area. We should definitely both drive the 2 hours. There's a really nice place 3.5 hours from me/1.5 hours from her that would be a lot of fun too. Unlike some of the matches I get that are 2.5 hours away with nothing in between us halfway, with this match there are plenty of things everywhere along the drive.

She also said she might be back in my area again before January for work, but doesn't know at this point.  

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Max, you're not owed a kiss!   As for the reason, she didn't kiss you because either she didn't (yet) feel chemistry or it was too early for her.  

Whoa slow down!  You're way ahead of yourself and you'll scare off any sensible woman with this desperation.  Get to know her before you even think about moving forward.   

I guess I have trouble reading women. It seems like things were going about as well as I could expect so I thought for sure she must be feeling the chemistry. Then again all my recent dating failures I've gotten some variation of "great meeting you. You're very smart, kind, and have a lot going for you, but I didn't feel a romantic connection. Good luck". The last few times I got that I wanted to throw my phone at the wall I was so frustrated hearing the same line.

Definitely I'm not thinking of marrying her yet! I just wanted to make it clear on here what my overall intention is with her

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

That's a great first question. When should we discuss it? I wouldn't want to uproot myself full time, but could spend a short amount of time in her area

If someone is accepting to start a relationship with someone 4.5 hours away he/she should be open to relocate otherwise what is the alternative? You stay in a 'dating' phase the rest of your life? Before getting into knowing her, you need to know where she stands on relocating. It's a simple question, tell her:  If you agree to meet someone long distance is it because you are open to relocating if you meet the right man for you?

There is no point in pursuing this if either of you are not open to relocating. Unless like I said you want to date long term for the rest of your life. 

Edited September 26 by Gaeta

[basil67]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

I guess I have trouble reading women. It seems like things were going about as well as I could expect so I thought for sure she must be feeling the chemistry.

This isn't about not being able to read women, it's a lack of understanding chemistry.  To be clear, good conversation does not automatically lead to or equate to chemistry.    

To put it bluntly, do you want to have sex with every person you have a great conversation with?  Of course not!

[max3732]

On 9/26/2024 at 5:37 PM, basil67 said:

This isn't about not being able to read women, it's a lack of understanding chemistry.  To be clear, good conversation does not automatically lead to or equate to chemistry.    

To put it bluntly, do you want to have sex with every person you have a great conversation with?  Of course not!

Obviously not every person, but every woman I meet on a dating app who I know is single, in my general age range and who I've found attractive enough to message I would be open to if we have great conversations. If I'm not interested it's usually because of some kind of deal breaker (like she already has kids, smokes, etc) or there's something else about her that turns me off (like she's rude to servers in the restaurant). 

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Obviously not every person, but every woman I meet on a dating app who I know is single, in my general age range and who I've found attractive enough to message I would be open to if we have great conversations. If I'm not interested it's usually because of some kind of deal breaker (like she already has kids, smokes, etc) or there's something else about her that turns me off (like she's rude to servers in the restaurant). 

OK, so you don't understand it.  But trust me that some people need a bit of time to develop physical attraction before they stick their tongue down someone's throat.  

Have you got a second date lined up?

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I would be open to if we have great conversations

Men and women are different. 

[Gebidozo]

51 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Obviously not every person, but every woman I meet on a dating app who I know is single, in my general age range and who I've found attractive enough to message I would be open to if we have great conversations. If I'm not interested it's usually because of some kind of deal breaker (like she already has kids, smokes, etc) or there's something else about her that turns me off (like she's rude to servers in the restaurant). 

Well, you see, people are different.

For example, I’m a man, just like you. But I definitely wouldn’t want to have sex with every woman I’d find attractive enough to message and have a great conversation with. I once knew this girl who was great - attractive, smart, nice, young, talented, you name it. We could talk for hours. We took walks in a park at 2am. But I just wasn’t attracted to her sexually. So nothing happened between us. And I was (still am) a very horny dog. I was single and open to either casual sex or relationship. But sometimes, there is just no sexual chemistry.

On the other hand, I absolutely don’t understand what sexual attraction has to do with having kids. If people have chemistry and want to have sex with each other, the last thing they think about is who has how many kids. For a long-term relationship, yes, I can understand that to someone it would be a dealbreaker (not to me), but you’re complaining that a girl won’t kiss you and then proceed to clarify that you’d kiss almost anyone, except women who have kids. And that just strikes me as strange.

As for smoking, as a lifelong non-smoker I can understand that the smell can be a turn-off. But trust me, when you are really crazy about a woman everything she does turns you on, including even things you’d normally consider off-putting. My fiancée is a regular smoker. I never thought I’d be enjoying so much standing with a smoking woman at an open window and making silly puns about her being “smoking hot” . Who knows, maybe you’ll also meet a smoker who makes you feel this way.

[Lotsgoingon]

You say she got caught up in the conversation, so you assumed that was interest.

I'm not getting that you were excited about her--beyond that she was immersed in talking to you. 

BTW: someone who talks a lot with enthusiasm is just someone who talks a lot with enthusiasm. In many cases, that can signal romantic interest. But other people just like to talk. 

Edited September 28 by Lotsgoingon

[max3732]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, you see, people are different.

For example, I’m a man, just like you. But I definitely wouldn’t want to have sex with every woman I’d find attractive enough to message and have a great conversation with. I once knew this girl who was great - attractive, smart, nice, young, talented, you name it. We could talk for hours. We took walks in a park at 2am. But I just wasn’t attracted to her sexually. So nothing happened between us. And I was (still am) a very horny dog. I was single and open to either casual sex or relationship. But sometimes, there is just no sexual chemistry.

On the other hand, I absolutely don’t understand what sexual attraction has to do with having kids. If people have chemistry and want to have sex with each other, the last thing they think about is who has how many kids. For a long-term relationship, yes, I can understand that to someone it would be a dealbreaker (not to me), but you’re complaining that a girl won’t kiss you and then proceed to clarify that you’d kiss almost anyone, except women who have kids. And that just strikes me as strange.

As for smoking, as a lifelong non-smoker I can understand that the smell can be a turn-off. But trust me, when you are really crazy about a woman everything she does turns you on, including even things you’d normally consider off-putting. My fiancée is a regular smoker. I never thought I’d be enjoying so much standing with a smoking woman at an open window and making silly puns about her being “smoking hot” . Who knows, maybe you’ll also meet a smoker who makes you feel this way.

When I say want to have sex for me that means someone I would have sex with if you were in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. That's why I won't go for women who I couldn't see marrying. I'm over 40 and still a virgin, so it's not like I actually would have sex with anyone I found attractive enough to want to have sex with. There is a constant battle within me with my overall goal of marriage and possibly waiting until then with my age and just desire for some kind of physical connection with an attractive woman.

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You say she got caught up in the conversation, so you assumed that was interest.

I'm not getting that you were excited about her--beyond that she was immersed in talking to you. 

BTW: someone who talks a lot with enthusiasm is just someone who talks a lot with enthusiasm. In many cases, that can signal romantic interest. But other people just like to talk. 

Well I was very excited about her for a number of reasons, but also concerned. Like I mentioned she was doing a lot of talking and even though I found her extremely attractive I didn't get nervous and it felt like things flowed really well. Also we had a ton of things in common. Not just the dealbreaker type things, but also a lot of smaller hobbies and interests and I could see a future with her.

The reason for concern was some of her background and relationships with her family growing up and to this day as well as what happened with her ex. Also even though she appears very sweet she seems to have a bit of a rebellious streak to her I'm not sure about. 

[Leihla_B]

On 9/28/2024 at 11:44 AM, max3732 said:

The reason for concern was some of her background and relationships with her family growing up and to this day as well as what happened with her ex. Also even though she appears very sweet she seems to have a bit of a rebellious streak to her I'm not sure about. 

You're over 40. You're not going to meet a woman who has sprung from the womb fully formed without a history. By the time most people reach 40, their histories are messy.

I'd set up some day trips where each of you can drive 2 hours to meet in the middle and dine then walk around. Get to know one another better before putting all this heavy weight on evaluations of suitability or measurements of physical contact.

You've waited over 40 years for sex, you can certainly invest a few day trips to learn more about someone and help her learn more about you. Build trust. If you end up deciding she's not for you, it's still not a wasted exercise. You need the practice.

[max3732]

23 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

You're over 40. You're not going to meet a woman who has sprung from the womb fully formed without a history. By the time most people reach 40, their histories are messy.

I'd set up some day trips where each of you can drive 2 hours to meet in the middle and dine then walk around. Get to know one another better before putting all this heavy weight on evaluations of suitability or measurements of physical contact.

You've waited over 40 years for sex, you can certainly invest a few day trips to learn more about someone and help her learn more about you. Build trust. If you end up deciding she's not for you, it's still not a wasted exercise. You need the practice.

Thanks. I asked if she has any more trips planned soon or has any planned to my area. If not we could meet halfway. We'll see what she says. 

It's funny that most women look better in pictures, but she looks better in person. I don't know why but I found her even more attractive in person. Maybe it's because of the conversation we had or how much we had in common.

I've got a date this Saturday with someone else though so I'm keeping my options open

[Leihla_B]

3 minutes ago, max3732 said:

...we could meet halfway. We'll see what she says. 

...I've got a date this Saturday with someone else though so I'm keeping my options open

Excellent! You can also keep meeting new women on OLD by setting up quick coffee meets to check one another out. Lots of people set up a few of these each week on their way home from work.

EnjOy!

[max3732]

23 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Excellent! You can also keep meeting new women on OLD by setting up quick coffee meets to check one another out. Lots of people set up a few of these each week on their way home from work.

EnjOy!

I'm trying my best to setup dates. The vast majority don't reply on the dating apps.

The one who lives far away replied she would like to meet halfway! So she must have some kind of attraction to drive that distance. If we setup a date I'd like to figure out how to move forward physically as well as connect emotionally

[Leihla_B]

13 minutes ago, max3732 said:

If we setup a date I'd like to figure out how to move forward physically as well as connect emotionally

Lots of women need the emotional connection to come first. They need to feel safe enough with you to trust you, and they need to figure out where they want to stand with you. So stay subtle. Gentle touches to her hand or arm. Think 'romance' rather than 'sex,' and this will guide you to avoid overt and clumsy moves or talk.

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, max3732 said:

if we setup a date I'd like to figure out how to move forward physically as well as connect emotionally

You have not met her yet and you're already thinking of how to move forward physically?? Hold your horses a little! Leave the moving forward physically for the following dates. You first meet to see if you have some type of mutual connection.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You have not met her yet and you're already thinking of how to move forward physically?? Hold your horses a little! Leave the moving forward physically for the following dates. You first meet to see if you have some type of mutual connection.

We've been texting for a month and we met when she came to my area. She's even sent some more pictures of herself (g rated). How many dates would you suggest waiting before I try to move forward at all?

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

Lots of women need the emotional connection to come first. They need to feel safe enough with you to trust you, and they need to figure out where they want to stand with you. So stay subtle. Gentle touches to her hand or arm. Think 'romance' rather than 'sex,' and this will guide you to avoid overt and clumsy moves or talk.

What about trying to hold her hand as we're walking? I'm trying to figure out what kind of date and what would be romantic

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

What about trying to hold her hand as we're walking? I'm trying to figure out what kind of date and what would be romantic

Not as a 'plan,' that's manipulative. I'm trying to tell you not to run an agenda on her for a physical relationship before you've each bonded well enough to learn whether that's even feasible for her.

Any attempt to pull that off prematurely will be forced and likely land awkwardly. Aren't you interested in getting to know her as a person rather than a sex opportunity? If not, you'll likely sink yourself and turn her off--she's not stupid.

If you are interested in actually getting to know her, then forget about forcing anything and 'allow' the romance that builds between the two of you to guide you organically. That could take a few dates, or it could surprise you sooner by showing up in a perfect moment.

Putting your cart before she has even presented a horse is a dumb move. Relax, enjoy the vibe, and learn how to READ IT before you kill it with an agenda.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

Not as a 'plan,' that's manipulative. I'm trying to tell you not to run an agenda on her for a physical relationship before you've each bonded well enough to learn whether that's even feasible for her.

Any attempt to pull that off prematurely will be forced and likely land awkwardly. Aren't you interested in getting to know her as a person rather than a sex opportunity? If not, you'll likely sink yourself and turn her off--she's not stupid.

If you are interested in actually getting to know her, then forget about forcing anything and 'allow' the romance that builds between the two of you to guide you organically. That could take a few dates, or it could surprise you sooner by showing up in a perfect moment.

Putting your cart before she has even presented a horse is a dumb move. Relax, enjoy the vibe, and learn how to READ IT before you kill it with an agenda.

It's definitely not some plan on my part. I am willing to wait until marriage until having sex so the idea of using her as a sex opportunity couldn't be further from the truth. I just want to know how to build romance and connection with her (or in general) with someone to progress things in a relationship.

I've gotten so many rejections over the years with the "you're a great guy, but I wasn't feeling a romantic connection" that I don't want her to see me as just a friend or a brother.

When we were walking along at night and our arms were bumping into each other I wish I could have taken her hand or kissed her, but I don't know what's appropriate on a 1st date. Now if she actually shows up for a 2nd date I don't want to blow any chances to connect with her

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

...our arms were bumping into each other I wish I could have taken her hand or kissed her, but I don't know what's appropriate on a 1st date.

Hands or linking arms, yes. Going in for a kiss, no. Not on a first date, and it didn't sound like an appropriate time while walking, anyway.

Think of any touching this early to be a gentlemanly confirmation of safety rather than a come-on. Hands or arms while walking, touching her back while opening a door, touching her shoulders or back to stabilize her if standing around a bar or in a crowd. Reaching across a table to touch her hand while listenting or speaking is also nice.

Moving straight in for a kiss is rarely appropriate during mid-date, although you can attempt a gentle one when saying goodnight. She may turn to give you a cheek. If so, just go with that. If she allows the lips, stay gentle, linger a bit, and see whether she welcomes a deeper kiss or closes and pulls back. Either way, go with that.