Getting over the break up and trying to be able love

[ann248]

How can non-Asian girl find love? Most men now prefer Asian girls. They call them with all the best words and give them the best qualities. I feel like I can never find love because I’m not Asian. And it feels like I'm a bit too old for dating, like a leftover woman, almost 27 years old. When men praise Asian women it makes me feel unlovable because I'm not Asian and I can't become Asian. Even though I’m kind, caring, loyal, family-oriented woman and I value my partner, it still feels impossible to be loved. I try to learn new things not to be narrow-minded and to be interesting for my partner. I work, cook, clean and take care of my partner and friends. My ex (29 years old) dumped me around 3,5 months ago because he liked Chinese girls and was obsessed with Asia, and I was completely disgusted by all of that. Since I am not Asian and I don’t like any Asian culture or traditions (including South-East Asia), can I ever be loved?

[NuevoYorko]

You're pretty mixed up.  "Most" men don't prefer Asian women.  

Rather than remain hung up on this erroneous notion of yours,  just move on.  You may benefit from doing some work on your own self to help free you from this kind of thinking.  

[Gaeta]

Are you a non-Asian woman living in an Asian country?

I am friends with a couple Asian women and they have an endless number of Asian female friends who cannot find boyfriends even if they're very pretty and highly educated. No, most men don't prefer Asian women. That's all in your head.

 

[Gebidozo]

As a man who does like Asian women, I’d like to point out some gross errors in your reasoning.

 

2 hours ago, ana248s said:

Most men now prefer Asian girls.

I doubt it, but let’s assume it’s true. Why do you care what “most men” prefer? It’s like saying “most men prefer big boobs”. Maybe so (again, I doubt it) - are you going to get silicon boobs because of that? You are who you are and what you are. If you place your lack of value in your race, it’s humiliating for you and unattractive to men who might be interested in you otherwise.

 

2 hours ago, ana248s said:

And it feels like I'm a bit too old for dating, like a leftover woman, almost 27 years old.

That would have been really insulting if it weren’t so comical. People can date at all ages.

 

2 hours ago, ana248s said:

Even though I’m kind, caring, loyal, family-oriented woman

Try not to praise yourself too much, it’s off-putting.

 

2 hours ago, ana248s said:

My ex (29 years old) dumped me around 3,5 months ago because he liked Chinese girls and was obsessed with Asia, and I was completely disgusted by all of that.

Why? Would you be disgusted if he dumped you for a white or a black girl? What you’re saying sounds pretty racist. If he dumped you for a ginger girl, would you be disgusted by the ginger color? If he dumped you for a plump girl, would you start hating plump girls? He dumped you, period. This happens. Get over it, move on, and find a guy who would like you.

 

 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ana248s said:

And it feels like I'm a bit too old for dating, like a leftover woman, almost 27 years old.

Who put that in your head? It's a very 'Asian' way of thinking. 

People fall in love at ALL ages! I fell in love in my 20s and in my 50s. My grand mother remarried at 75 completely in love with her 2nd husband. One of my brothers found the love of his life at 39 and they started having children early 40s. They're both 45 now with 2 kids, living their best life. 

There is no expiration date on love. It's even stronger and deeper as we grow older.

[ann248]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

As a man who does like Asian women, I’d like to point out some gross errors in your reasoning.

 

I doubt it, but let’s assume it’s true. Why do you care what “most men” prefer? It’s like saying “most men prefer big boobs”. Maybe so (again, I doubt it) - are you going to get silicon boobs because of that? You are who you are and what you are. If you place your lack of value in your race, it’s humiliating for you and unattractive to men who might be interested in you otherwise.

 

That would have been really insulting if it weren’t so comical. People can date at all ages.

 

Try not to praise yourself too much, it’s off-putting.

 

Why? Would you be disgusted if he dumped you for a white or a black girl? What you’re saying sounds pretty racist. If he dumped you for a ginger girl, would you be disgusted by the ginger color? If he dumped you for a plump girl, would you start hating plump girls? He dumped you, period. This happens. Get over it, move on, and find a guy who would like you.

 

 

I lived in Asia for too long and always had that attitude from people that made me feel like I’m not enough comparing to Asian women 

[ann248]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Are you a non-Asian woman living in an Asian country?

I am friends with a couple Asian women and they have an endless number of Asian female friends who cannot find boyfriends even if they're very pretty and highly educated. No, most men don't prefer Asian women. That's all in your head.

 

Yeah, used to live and study there because my mom wanted me to. I was told many times about the age and ethnicity thing, like it can be the reason why a girl would be considered a leftover 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, ann248 said:

Yeah, used to live and study there because my mom wanted me to. I was told many times about the age and ethnicity thing, like it can be the reason why a girl would be considered a leftover 

So now do you live in a western country?

[ann248]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So now do you live in a western country?

Yes. 

[ann248]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who put that in your head? It's a very 'Asian' way of thinking. 

People fall in love at ALL ages! I fell in love in my 20s and in my 50s. My grand mother remarried at 75 completely in love with her 2nd husband. One of my brothers found the love of his life at 39 and they started having children early 40s. They're both 45 now with 2 kids, living their best life. 

There is no expiration date on love. It's even stronger and deeper as we grow older.

That sounds encouraging!

[ann248]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You're pretty mixed up.  "Most" men don't prefer Asian women.  

Rather than remain hung up on this erroneous notion of yours,  just move on.  You may benefit from doing some work on your own self to help free you from this kind of thinking.  

Maybe I just lack relationship experience, I only dated once (this recent relationship)

[ann248]

30 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why? Would you be disgusted if he dumped you for a white or a black girl? What you’re saying sounds pretty racist. If he dumped you for a ginger girl, would you be disgusted by the ginger color? If he dumped you for a plump girl, would you start hating plump girls? He dumped you, period. This happens. Get over it, move on, and find a guy who would like you

No no I meant that I’m disgusted of his obsession with Asia. I clearly told him that I’m not into that culture/language/cuisine/etc and he was okay with that. And later he started kinda “forcing” me to like it by saying something like “why don’t you like it? Look at me I like it” and that’s why I got completely disgusted of the fact that he doesn’t care about the fact that my interests are different and praises other women only because of their race

[ann248]

37 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I doubt it, but let’s assume it’s true. Why do you care what “most men” prefer? It’s like saying “most men prefer big boobs”. Maybe so (again, I doubt it) - are you going to get silicon boobs because of that? You are who you are and what you are. If you place your lack of value in your race, it’s humiliating for you and unattractive to men who might be interested in you otherwise.

It’s probably my biggest problem in relationships, choosing a strategy of deserving love from others, basically trying to be “the best one for him” kinda girl, so I won’t be cheated on or dumped. But I felt like no matter how much you try to develop or learn something, someone else would be considered better because of her boob size or ethnicity or height or eye color

[ann248]

40 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Try not to praise yourself too much, it’s off-putting.

Didn’t mean to praise myself, I was just saying that all of those things that Asian women can give men, white women are also able to give, because I felt worse than them because of my race

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, ann248 said:

Didn’t mean to praise myself, I was just saying that all of those things that Asian women can give men, white women are also able to give, because I felt worse than them because of my race

How long did you date him? Now is time to deprogram yourself.  Sounds like he did a good job at destroying your self-worth. 

There is love for everyone out there, no matter your origins, color, culture. NO ONE is better than another because of their origin. Your boyfriend had an attraction toward Asian women so he should have gone straight to dating one instead of trying to turn you into one. He was not a good man to date. 

A good boyfriend is a man that elevates you and celebrates you for who you are!

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, ann248 said:

Yeah, used to live and study there because my mom wanted me to. I was told many times about the age and ethnicity thing, like it can be the reason why a girl would be considered a leftover 

Well, I've heard the opposite from every woman I've known who's lived as a minority in any part of the world, so this mentality doesn't serve you.

You dodged a guy who isn't right for you. There are millions more guys in the world. Most people are NOT our match. Keep dating new guys until you find the right one.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ann248 said:

I lived in Asia for too long and always had that attitude from people that made me feel like I’m not enough comparing to Asian women 

I’ve been living in Asia for 20 years. I’m going to be blunt and politically incorrect now, but hopefully this will help you solve the problem.

I do like Asian women, but there is no point in denying that some Western men have an Asian fetish because, well, Asian women are small and they make those men feel big.

Also, many Asian women are very conservative and they make the perfect bait for insecure, incel-ish Western guys that are happy to find a match for their materialistic, objectifying attitude and mercantile mentality. 

In other words, some Western men like Asian women because they feel more validated by them, more “manly”. Such men are generally not worth dating anyway. They lack confidence and resort to outdated gender stereotypes to gain it.

Now, there is another aspect, the physical one. And this is just something you’ll have to accept. Asian women are very cute. They are, for example, totally my type physically. But that doesn’t mean they are everyone’s type. Luckily, different men like very different women.

[ann248]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Now, there is another aspect, the physical one. And this is just something you’ll have to accept. Asian women are very cute. They are, for example, totally my type physically. But that doesn’t mean they are everyone’s type. Luckily, different men like very different women.

(Mistakenly quoted 2 times) That’s the thing! My ex was always calling me those words that men would usually call Asian women. Like “petite”, “cute” , “adorable” and I felt happy about it until I realized it’s just his yellow fever (I lived in China for a long time and could speak Chinese) and I’m interesting to him only because he projects his “Asian dreams” on me. That’s why i always felt like I’m completely unlovable because of my race and I’m just a projection of his weird fetish. I hated living in Asia because I was forced to and study there and I always met people who would put down white/western/slavic women with exactly the same positive qualities that Asian girls had. Like if a girl is loyal and caring and she’s white the guy won’t date her. But if she’s all the same but Asian, she’ll have a queue of boyfriends. And the girls (at least Chinese ones) I met there were completely the opposite of those “best qualities” that men give them. That’s why I had a feeling that I have to “become Chinese” to deserve love 

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Now, there is another aspect, the physical one. And this is just something you’ll have to accept. Asian women are very cute. They are, for example, totally my type physically. But that doesn’t mean they are everyone’s type. Luckily, different men like very different women.

[ann248]

28 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

You dodged a guy who isn't right for you. There are millions more guys in the world. Most people are NOT our match. Keep dating new guys until you find the right one.

Thanks! Hopefully next time I will choose my partner wisely 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

And this is just something you’ll have to accept. Asian women are very cute

Said the man that likes Asian women lol. Like you said they are cute for those who likes them, they are not cute to all men. 

[ann248]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

There is love for everyone out there, no matter your origins, color, culture. NO ONE is better than another because of their origin. Your boyfriend had an attraction toward Asian women so he should have gone straight to dating one instead of trying to turn you into one. He was not a good man to date. 

Yep, I need to work on respecting myself a bit more. He couldn’t get an Asian girl (he told me that) and I was the “last option” and since I lived in Asia, I was kind of a “temporary replacement”

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, ann248 said:

white/western/slavic women

Are you of slavic heritage? Well, you will find an equal amount of men that would walk through fire to date a slavic woman. 

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, ann248 said:

It’s probably my biggest problem in relationships, choosing a strategy of deserving love from others, basically trying to be “the best one for him” kinda girl, so I won’t be cheated on or dumped.

It’s great that you’re aware of that. You obviously can’t “deserve love”. This is not a competition where you score a certain amount of points and then you win. We get dumped even when we’re being really good. You can’t control other people’s feelings. You can only try to always be the best version of yourself, and accept that people can still leave you even if you are.

You’ve only had one serious relationship with some immature guy who was dumb enough to try to force you to like what he liked. He isn’t a good representative of the male gender by a long shot.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Said the man that likes Asian women lol. Like you said they are cute for those who likes them, they are not cute to all men. 

Obviously not to all. I just wanted to point out that if a man likes the physical type of Asian women, there is nothing wrong with that per se, and the OP has to accept that she is just not that type.

I felt that the OP was trying to find a way to “be more Asian”, similarly to how some women are obsessed with having bigger breasts because “that’s what men like”. To which I would say, yes, many (by far not all) men find big breasts attractive, but instead of trying to compete with them find a man who likes your breasts, regardless of anything else.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, ann248 said:

Like if a girl is loyal and caring and she’s white the guy won’t date her. But if she’s all the same but Asian, she’ll have a queue of boyfriends. And the girls (at least Chinese ones) I met there were completely the opposite of those “best qualities” that men give them. That’s why I had a feeling that I have to “become Chinese” to deserve love 

I hear you. It is a widespread phenomenon in this part of the world. You aren’t the first white woman to complain about it. People who have never lived in East Asia might simply not be aware of the extent of the “yellow fever”. I can understand your frustration.

However, what I don’t understand is why you seem to think that if you are loyal and caring you will automatically get a “queue of boyfriends”. Why are you so concerned about the length of this “queue”? All you need is one man who loves you and whom you love. So what if there are a lot of superficial, insecure, dumb guys with an Asian fetish? You need quality, not quantity. Stop worrying about what men supposedly like and think of relationships in terms of personal connection and compatibility, not in terms of a sports competition.