RandallHare Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 Not only attractive but conventionally attractive ladies... with Euro features... I live in the Philippines where that is kinda rare so it explains why I'm still single at 37... but it's really hard to date women I'm not attracted with... the feelings fizzle very soon... so I just really need to be aware that it's not going to happen... Only exceptions... if you are deep and artistic and we connect on an emotional level... and you're smart and pensive... sounds specific? Yeah, coz that's one specific girl I have in mind... The only thing is, I like pretty babies so 🤷🏼‍♂️ Tell me I'm wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 You can't help who you are attracted to. If you are not attracted to certain women, then it's just the way it is. It doesn't make you shallow or superficial, it's just your personal preference. I wouldn't completely dismiss someone just because they don't fit your physical ideal. I've dated men that haven't fit a physical ideal I had in my head.... and in the end it didn't matter. We had an amazing connection and that's all that mattered. I'm not saying you should date anyone and everyone.... but I just wouldn't completely dismiss someone just because you are not initially attracted to them. The adage "don't judge a book by its cover".... still holds some truth. I for example, was not particularly interested in dating redheads, for instance. Just not my type. But I have found myself attracted to certain redheads. Never say you would never date X because "I'm not attracted to them..." You never know. Attraction can come in all sorts of forms. But, in essence, if you feel that conventionally good looking European women are the only women worth your time... then, well... you might have a problem! There is no way for me to sugar coat that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 41 minutes ago, RandallHare said: Not only attractive but conventionally attractive ladies... with Euro features... I live in the Philippines where that is kinda rare so it explains why I'm still single at 37... but it's really hard to date women I'm not attracted with... the feelings fizzle very soon... so I just really need to be aware that it's not going to happen... Only exceptions... if you are deep and artistic and we connect on an emotional level... and you're smart and pensive... sounds specific? Yeah, coz that's one specific girl I have in mind... The only thing is, I like pretty babies so 🤷🏼‍♂️ Tell me I'm wrong... Yup, you’re wrong. To clarify: you aren’t wrong to prefer that particular type. You aren’t wrong to find European ladies especially attractive. It’s a matter of taste. For example, I find Asian women especially attractive. Where you’re wrong is in confusing your aesthetic preferences with feelings. If you think you can only have feelings for women with a particular set of physical features, it means that you don’t understand yet what real romantic feelings are. Real romantic attraction can occur with your preferred physical type, but it can also happen with someone completely different and even opposite. That doesn’t mean that you should feel obliged to be attracted to and date women with whom you have a good emotional, artistic and intellectual connection, but with whom you just don’t have that “spark” and who don’t attract you physically. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 1 hour ago, RandallHare said: I live in the Philippines where that is kinda rare so it explains why I'm still single at 37 Are you Pilipino? I had a quick look and in 2020 the number of Caucasian in the Philippines were .2% that means yes it's rare. You don't have many choices, you move, or you start thinking outside the box and be open to change what you like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 When you say "wrong", dating only attractive women is not immoral. But the smaller your parameters, the longer you will stay single.  1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 28 Share Posted September 28 You're entitled to set whatever standards you wish for dating. There's nothing unethical or 'wrong' about it. You may not like the small size of your dating pool, but you can decide whether that makes is harder to date or easier to target your person. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 9 hours ago, Leihla_B said: You're entitled to set whatever standards you wish for dating. There's nothing unethical or 'wrong' about it. You may not like the small size of your dating pool, but you can decide whether that makes is harder to date or easier to target your person. Can someone explain to me why some people set such purely physical standards to begin with? It’s not just the OP.  There are so many forum posts with “I wouldn’t date anyone under 5.10 feet tall” or “I wouldn’t date a smoker” or “I wouldn’t date a fat girl”. And the thing is, these aren’t posts by some spoiled womanizers basking in female attention. The OPs usually admit that they’ve been single for too long or virgins for even longer. Why are they being so ridiculously picky in such an unnecessarily superficial way? Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 5 hours ago, Gebidozo said: ...The OPs usually admit that they’ve been single for too long or virgins for even longer. Why are they being so ridiculously picky in such an unnecessarily superficial way? Artificial barriers create a comfy cocoon. I think this scenario can be likened to the unemployed person who would love to have a great job; they just don't want to go through the rigors of finding one. If I want a relationship, I can create an ideal and fantasize about it. I can blow it up to make myself miserable that everyone around me appears to have found what I want. But I hate the idea of dating and the risks of rejection that go along with it. So if I invent a big enough dealbreaker for dating, I can rationalize preventing myself from pursuing the dates. So, here they are, and here they will likely remain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 (edited) 5 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Can someone explain to me why some people set such purely physical standards to begin with? It’s not just the OP.  There are so many forum posts with “I wouldn’t date anyone under 5.10 feet tall” or “I wouldn’t date a smoker” or “I wouldn’t date a fat girl”. And the thing is, these aren’t posts by some spoiled womanizers basking in female attention. The OPs usually admit that they’ve been single for too long or virgins for even longer. Why are they being so ridiculously picky in such an unnecessarily superficial way? There was a thread about a man that was only interested in short/petite/slim women and he couldn't date any woman that wasn't because he just didn't feel attraction. I don't agree that physical attraction is the end all be all but it IS important. Some people just can't feel attraction for someone who doesn't look a certain way. Of course it's superficial but it's a preference and people can't really control what they are attracted to physically. Personal preferences and tastes for physical attributes, just like how some people prefer certain foods or music genres over others. They may not be intentionally superficial, but they have a strong attraction to a certain "type" and it's difficult for them to feel attracted to someone who doesn't fit that mold. Edited September 29 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 You can date anyone you want as long as you're happy to remain single for the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 1 hour ago, Leihla_B said: Artificial barriers create a comfy cocoon. I think this scenario can be likened to the unemployed person who would love to have a great job; they just don't want to go through the rigors of finding one. If I want a relationship, I can create an ideal and fantasize about it. I can blow it up to make myself miserable that everyone around me appears to have found what I want. But I hate the idea of dating and the risks of rejection that go along with it. So if I invent a big enough dealbreaker for dating, I can rationalize preventing myself from pursuing the dates. So, here they are, and here they will likely remain. Thank you for the very lucid explanation, I think I begin to understand this phenomenon better now. I’d totally understand it if it was really about a job. I just never saw dating and romance as a job. Even when I was all sad and miserable because other people had girlfriends while I didn’t (that was in 1997, I think), I wasn’t afraid of rejection and would never associate it with risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Even when I was all sad and miserable because other people had girlfriends while I didn’t (that was in 1997, I think), I wasn’t afraid of rejection and would never associate it with risk. Yep, I understand. That's exactly why you wouldn't associate any of these big superficial dealbreakers with such a fear of rejection that you'd be doing the rejecting first--of nearly everyone--and before you can even get out from the gate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 You should date who you choose to date. That’s your perogative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 8 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Can someone explain to me why some people set such purely physical standards to begin with? It’s not just the OP.  There are so many forum posts with “I wouldn’t date anyone under 5.10 feet tall” or “I wouldn’t date a smoker” To be fair, I wouldn't consider "I wouldn't date a smoker" to be a superficial standard - smokers negatively impact the health of everyone around them, especially people who are living with them. I agree that the other things you mentioned are completely superficial though, but there's no point in asking someone like the OP to date people whom he's not interested in. It's best for everyone involved that he remain single in that situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 37 minutes ago, Els said: To be fair, I wouldn't consider "I wouldn't date a smoker" to be a superficial standard - smokers negatively impact the health of everyone around them, especially people who are living with them. Glad you mentioned this, because I thought of it, too, but I didn't want to sidetrack my point with it. But it's a good call. I drink and smoke socially, so of course, I wouldn't rule out someone who does the same thing. However, if I noticed overindulgence in either, I'd be turned off by that. I can perfectly understand why a non-smoker would not want to date me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 3 hours ago, Leihla_B said: Glad you mentioned this, because I thought of it, too, but I didn't want to sidetrack my point with it. But it's a good call. I drink and smoke socially, so of course, I wouldn't rule out someone who does the same thing. However, if I noticed overindulgence in either, I'd be turned off by that. I can perfectly understand why a non-smoker would not want to date me. FWIW, I think that your appraisal of the situation is spot on here. If someone rejects everyone first, they are preventing themselves from being rejected, so to speak. Unfortunately, they are also preventing themselves from having a fulfilling relationship, if that is what they want. In the OP's case, someone mentioned that 0.2% of people in the Philippines are Caucasian. Add that to the fact that maybe 10% of those women fit his conventionally attractive parameters, and 10% of THOSE women would be interested in dating a 37-yo Pinoy who lives with his parents, and we're at a grand total of 0.002%. And we haven't even gotten to the actual important stuff like compatibility in various areas of life, or the willingness to invest time and effort into a LTR, or heck even them being heterosexual, lol. On the bright side, the OP might never need to experience a breakup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RandallHare Posted October 1 Author Share Posted October 1 On 9/29/2024 at 11:53 PM, Alpacalia said: There was a thread about a man that was only interested in short/petite/slim women and he couldn't date any woman that wasn't because he just didn't feel attraction. I don't agree that physical attraction is the end all be all but it IS important. Some people just can't feel attraction for someone who doesn't look a certain way. Of course it's superficial but it's a preference and people can't really control what they are attracted to physically. Personal preferences and tastes for physical attributes, just like how some people prefer certain foods or music genres over others. They may not be intentionally superficial, but they have a strong attraction to a certain "type" and it's difficult for them to feel attracted to someone who doesn't fit that mold. This explains it all, at least for me. I'm actually currently dating a woman who fits my standards physically. The problem is ~ she doesn't seem to be smart enough for my standards. There's no problem that she is a Nursery teacher. It's just that there are certain things that she ought to know by now... like the fact that a certain municipality is located next to a particular city... or the simple things like arithmetic that you ought to know as a child... True, she's pretty and sexy, but I'm also worried that our kids might not perform well in school later on... Disclaimer though, I'm not after pure Caucasians. I'm just after Filipinos with Euro/Caucasian traits because I am one myself. Growing up, that's what my mother has made me think for so long a time. I was in love with a girl with exotic looks back in HS. My mum hated her... so now I just want women who have Caucasian traits because they look good to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 3 hours ago, RandallHare said: This explains it all, at least for me. I'm actually currently dating a woman who fits my standards physically. The problem is ~ she doesn't seem to be smart enough for my standards. There's no problem that she is a Nursery teacher. It's just that there are certain things that she ought to know by now... like the fact that a certain municipality is located next to a particular city... or the simple things like arithmetic that you ought to know as a child... True, she's pretty and sexy, but I'm also worried that our kids might not perform well in school later on... Disclaimer though, I'm not after pure Caucasians. I'm just after Filipinos with Euro/Caucasian traits because I am one myself. Growing up, that's what my mother has made me think for so long a time. I was in love with a girl with exotic looks back in HS. My mum hated her... so now I just want women who have Caucasian traits because they look good to me. Sorry dude, this sounds very shallow and I don’t think you’ll ever be happy if you have such narrow expectations. Who cares whether your woman knows what municipality is located near what city and whether she is good or bad at arithmetics? You need to start thinking about more important stuff, such as shared values and spiritual interests, sexual compatibility, fitting characters, and so on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 4 hours ago, RandallHare said: I'm actually currently dating a woman who fits my standards physically. The problem is ~ she doesn't seem to be smart enough for my standards. There's no problem that she is a Nursery teacher. It's just that there are certain things that she ought to know by now... like the fact that a certain municipality is located next to a particular city... or the simple things like arithmetic that you ought to know as a child... IQ is just one component. There are other forms of intelligence that she may be good with, like Emotional IQ, which is far more important for building a relationship or ability to get out of tricky situations and handle other strategic stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 4 hours ago, RandallHare said: This explains it all, at least for me. I'm actually currently dating a woman who fits my standards physically. The problem is ~ she doesn't seem to be smart enough for my standards. There's no problem that she is a Nursery teacher. It's just that there are certain things that she ought to know by now... like the fact that a certain municipality is located next to a particular city... or the simple things like arithmetic that you ought to know as a child... True, she's pretty and sexy, but I'm also worried that our kids might not perform well in school later on... So are you single or are you exclusively dating this woman? If you somehow managed to get into an exclusive relationship between Friday and today, and this is how you feel about her, then you should obviously let her go. It's not going to turn out well if you already feel lukewarm about her during the honeymoon phase, and she deserves a partner who loves her for who she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 9 hours ago, RandallHare said: I'm actually currently dating a woman who fits my standards physically. The problem is ~ she doesn't seem to be smart enough for my standards. Hah! Okay, so that's quite a trollicious pivot from .002 percent racial and physical criteria to smart enough. Hey, she's a preschool teacher, and you can teach the kid math and civics from kindergarten up. Whatever. EnjOy! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 11 hours ago, RandallHare said:  but I'm also worried that our kids might not perform well in school later on... Kindly, I'd be more worried if your date was like you.  You may have a good IQ, but your EQ isn't so great. (evidenced by the fact you'd be disappointed in a child who may be middle of the class).  If you had a partner with high IQ but low EQ, you may produce a smart child, but that child may well share the type of struggles which have kept you single for so long.  Genetics works best with diversity, two different people bringing different strengths.  And even then, there's no guarantees: I am involved in the disability community and know plenty of people who are smart, accomplished and kind who also have a disabled child. If you are disappointed a kid who's less than what you deem perfect, you'd be best to rethink your ideas of parenthood 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 14 hours ago, RandallHare said: I'm also worried that our kids might not perform well in school later on...  I just realized you actually wrote this, the first time I read your messages my brain probably didn’t register this or I was sure it was a joke. This is such condescending, weirdly patriarchal, peculiarly materialistic, objectifying, infantile, and singularly unattractive thinking, that I hope you’re just goofing around. If not, hopefully you understand that no sane, self-respecting woman in the world will like you if you’re an honest person and share this mindset of yours with her. Please break up with this girl. She needs a kind boyfriend who will genuinely like her for who she is and won’t worry that her kids will be dumb because she is bad at arithmetics.  1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 15 hours ago, RandallHare said: It's just that there are certain things that she ought to know by now... like the fact that a certain municipality is located next to a particular city... or the simple things like arithmetic that you ought to know as a child... Why is knowing what municipality is next to a particular city an important skill? Regarding childhood arithmetic, I'd be surprised if she made it to college without being able to add 56+47. As for more complex stuff, I think you'll find that a lot of people who were quite competent at maths in school have since forgotten it due to lack of use in their daily lives.  Link to post Share on other sites
Author RandallHare Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Why is knowing what municipality is next to a particular city an important skill? Regarding childhood arithmetic, I'd be surprised if she made it to college without being able to add 56+47. As for more complex stuff, I think you'll find that a lot of people who were quite competent at maths in school have since forgotten it due to lack of use in their daily lives.  I think everybody knows that Town XXX is next to City YYY. I can't believe she still doesn't know such a basic information. As for arithmetic, I'm gonna ditch that from now on coz my sister who is a doctor still thinks that December is 3 months away. Okay then. I've always thought you should know that by grade school because it's pretty simple. @_@ Link to post Share on other sites
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